Chapter 11: How to Heal
That night Spencer stood in Chloe's kitchen, music playing out of the radio as he moved around, preparing dinner. Chloe was in the shower as she attempted to clean her wounds again according to the doctor's directions. He kept the radio low to hear if she was in pain but so far not a sound except for the water hitting the tub could be heard.
Spencer was relieved that this morning they'd gotten that conversation over with but now was the time to put that loosely discussed plan into action. He had no idea, really, how to help her heal after what had happened. Sure, he himself had been held hostage before, but that was different. He hadn't been raped or cut. His addiction had presented a different type of challenge but with Chloe helping him and always being able, no matter what time it was, to answer her phone and talk him out of his desire for the drug he'd been able to attend sobriety meetings and continue on with his life almost on the exact same path as it had been on before.
This was different and if he was honest with himself, it was scarier. Addiction was one thing. A personal violation was another. Chloe had always been what most people would probably call a prude but Spencer knew the truth, she had respect for herself and her body. Spencer wasn't sure about every part of Chloe's life but he knew his own life with her well enough to know that what happened to her was more than just an attack, it was a fear she'd always had.
"Chloe, why are you wearing that old, huge t-shirt?" Spencer asked, as he leaned on Chloe's door frame.
"What's wrong with my t-shirt?"
Spencer smiled softly. "Chlo, you have a body under there, one I'd like to show off when we go out and make the upperclassmen hate themselves after snubbing you. But no one will see how beautiful you are if you hide under huge shirts with your hair in your face."
"You sound like my grandmother..." she said, tossing a sweat shirt back onto the bed before turning to face him. "Maybe you're right though. This is a date after all," she said smiling softly.
Spencer nodded, smiling. He had on dark jeans and a button down shirt. It was Chloe's birthday and he'd been planning their date for weeks. She sighed.
"What kind of place are we going to?" She asked, knowing he wouldn't tell her exactly where, she'd been asking him for the last week without an answer.
"It's nice but not a fancy place. Just a bit dressy."
Chloe nodded. "Ten minutes?" She requested. Spencer nodded and moved into the room sitting in her desk chair. She went to her closet, grabbed the article of clothing she wanted and rushed to her bathroom, shutting it softly behind her. Spencer waiting patiently as she changed and when Chloe re-emerged his jaw dropped slightly. The dress she'd put on was simple, all black, but with the fabric hugging every curve she looked, for lack of any better word, sexy. She smiled shyly and walked over to her closet, putting her former outfit in the hamper and grabbing a pair of simple heels.
She grabbed a purse and tossed her basics into it before smiling and turning to Spencer.
"Better?" she asked, a light blush reaching her cheeks.
Spencer could only nod. He wanted tonight to be special. He had a plan, after all.
Chloe smiled and walked over to Spencer, standing close to him. "Ready to go?"
He nodded and turned, walking out of the dorm with Chloe, everyone in the hall turning to watch as the young pair walked by them. All eyes on Chloe.
Once at the restaurant just off campus Spencer and Chloe sat reading the menus and he could tell she was feeling uncomfortable from her body language. "What's wrong Chloe?" Spencer asked, reaching out and taking her hand in his.
"Everyone's staring."
Spencer used his other hand to push the menu away from her face. "They're staring because of the fact that you're gorgeous and up until now they didn't know that because you hide behind your brain and baggy clothes."
Chloe shrugged. "And you don't hide behind your brain?"
Spencer laughed. "Chloe, I'm a skinny shrimp there is nothing to look at."
Chloe shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Spencer…" she said, her voice low, wavering a little.
"Chloe I didn't ask you out to make you uncomfortable tonight. I asked you out so that we could have time together and if everyone else gets a chance to see how amazing you are physically as well as brilliant it's a bonus. Especially since they can eat their hearts out seeing us together and knowing they can't have you."
Chloe laughed and relaxed a little. "Why can't they have me?"
Spencer kissed Chloe's knuckles lightly. "That's an easy question—because I don't want to share you with anyone."
Chloe blinked. "Simple answer to give but harder to explain. So can you explain the meaning in that to me?"
Spencer sighed. It was his turn to be uncomfortable. "Chloe, we're best friends, we click when we're together, we've been out together a few times…I just…I wanted you to know that I'm not going to see anyone else." Spencer took a deep breath the laughed self-deprecatingly, "Not that anyone else would be interested in me. I just want it to be us, but if you don't want to be a couple and just be friends I can do that too. I just want to know what you want."
Chloe stared at him from across the table. "Spencer are you…asking me to be your girlfriend?"
Spencer nodded, his eyes falling to his lap where his hands were knotted together nervously. He couldn't look at her. He'd hoped this conversation would have been at the end of the night. He didn't know what to do now that all the cards were on the table at the very beginning.
Her hands slid over his and he looked up, shocked. He hadn't even noticed her stand up. "Are you sure this is what you want?" she asked.
Spencer nodded.
Chloe kissed him.
Spencer could still feel the butterflies in his stomach when he thought of that night. He had been so nervous. Now he was nervous for another reason altogether. How could he show her he still loved her without pressuring her?
Spencer may be a profiler but he couldn't profile this situation and relationship properly. He couldn't figure out how to resolve the situation.
He needed help.
So, he did the only logical thing he could think of. He called for backup.
The next morning Spencer was with Chloe in the kitchen cooking breakfast when his phone beeped.
'Finally,' he thought as he fished the phone out of his pocket and checked the text message.
PG: Hey Junion G Man, sorry I missed your call, I was with Kevin last night… :-)
SR: It's okay. Garcia I need help. How do I make sure Chloe knows that I care about her without pushing her in any way? I don't want to scare her, especially after what happened.
Spencer pocketed his phone and went back to cooking.
"Anything important?" Chloe asked, smiling at Spencer as she danced around him to get a paper towel.
"Garcia. She's just checking in. She says hello."
Chloe smiled brightly. "Tell her hi for me. Do they need you back for a case?"
"No, she just doesn't know what to do when I'm not there to be picked on. Morgan uses all his geek jokes on her."
Chloe smiled. "I liked your team. Are you sure there isn't a case? Isn't there always a case?"
Spencer shook his head and flipped the pancake. "Nope. They're reviewing cases now so there will be one soon but for now I'm all yours."
Chloe nodded and went back to the eggs she was preparing.
Her silence to that statement worried him.
His phone beeped.
PG: Have you tried just talking to her?
SR: I don't know if I can. We have talked about it already but…this feels different. It's emotions and relationships. That comes with added pressure…
PG: OHHHHHH… Uhhhh…. I don't know what to tell you my darling Dr. Reid. My only suggestion is to talk to her about it, even if you bring it up slowly. There is no other way to get the answers and decisions made without talking it out.
SR: It will be awkward.
PG: You're the king of awkward, sweetie. And she loves you anyway. Don't worry. Just be you. She loves you for a reason.
SR: Thanks.
PG: Anytime lover boy.
Spencer laughed and put his phone away again, taking the pancake off the pan and adding more batter. Sometimes, Penelope pointed out the simplest things in the best way that made sense. Sometimes, he knew, he just needed to hear it from someone else.
Now, he just had to be brave enough to talk to Chloe about it.
It was times like this Spencer wished he was like the other men on his team. Strong like Morgan, wise like Rossi, brave like Hotch. Instead he was thin, naive, awkward Spencer Reid. Who couldn't even talk to the girl he loved about something that needed to be talked about because he was afraid.
"Hey Chloe," Spencer said, hating how his voice cracked a little. She paused in her movements. His unsteady voice already gave him away to her.
"Yeah?" She kept her back to him.
"Are you okay with everything? With me being here?"
She stayed silent. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…after everything that happened, are you okay with me being here? We're usually very different when we're together and I just wanted to make sure you knew I didn't, that I don't…expect anything or want anything." Silence. "I mean I love you and I care about you and what happened hasn't changed those feelings or how I think of you at all but I don't want you thinking that I'm only staying here longer for any reason other than supporting you after what happened."
She turned the burner off and turned to look at him. "I know that Spencer."
He took a breath. "Good."
"I know what happened wouldn't change your feelings but, I don't know, maybe it changed mine."
Now it was his turn to be silent. To stare. "What do you mean?"
"Spencer…you and I have always been a pair, a couple, whatever. I can't be that with you anymore, not now."
"I know, that's why I wanted to be sure you knew I didn't expect that."
"Than what do you expect Spencer? That you being here would make me all better?"
He looked at her, hearing the annoyance in her voice. She was upset and, worst of all, he had no idea what he'd done to make her that way.
"No, I just didn't want you to try and get back to normal on your own, I didn't like the idea of you being here alone at night after what happened."
Chloe sighed. "Spencer, I can't be relying on you. There is no normal after what happened to me."
He blinked, he had never heard her talk like this. She wasn't trying to be positive, she wasn't accepting his help, she was mad at him.
He turned the stove top off. "So what do you want me to do?" He asked. "Leave?"
"Yes."
Spencer's heart stopped.
