It had been a little over a week since the Organization's original plans had failed. Isa had thought of it as his end. Waking up with Axel beside him made those thoughts seem like distant memories of nightmares best left forgotten.
Axel was paler than Isa. His red hair intensified in color when Isa focused his gaze on Axel's neck, right where his hairline met milky skin. Isa could see the outlines of Axel's ribs on his back when he inhaled, and he watched them slowly disappear as he exhaled. Axel was skinnier than him. Isa could count the vertebrae from the top of Axel's spine down to the middle of his back where he had to run a finger to keep counting until they became visible again at his lower back. He ran his fingers further down and lingered right above the dimples, wishing that he had the courage to kiss down the trail he made with his fingers. His hand brushed against the white covers that covered them both up to their hips, and he wondered if Axel was still asleep.
Isa didn't usually sleep in his bed. The scentless covers were easier to ignore when he pretended that this bedroom didn't exist, but he had been persuaded into using it again. Agreeing to it had granted him this sight that he eagerly soaked in. He moved in close enough to feel Axel's body heat but stayed far enough to not brush up against him.
Axel had been in a bad mood lately. He sighed a lot. Ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his eyes. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes, and he looked away from Isa far more often than Isa liked. Isa wasn't sure what to do about it.
The plan of getting Roxas back had failed, but according to their sources, the real Keyblade-wielder was killing Heartless fervently. Their plans were moving along in ways that were better than they could have imagined. They would soon get their hearts back. They wouldn't be confined to this colorless world and Fate would right her wrongs and have the Man on the Moon bind Isa and Lea together.
Isa tried to cheer Axel up by whispering things that had made Axel happy before; I trust you. I'll always remember you. But Axel's veil of sadness only seemed to be lifted whenever they laid tangled in bed. Isa's voice was only a comfort when he gasped for Axel through sobbing moans that he desperately tried to hold back as Axel buried his fingers into his hips in a bruising grip to angle him for every thrust. Isa's touches were only enough when his nails either dug into Axel's shoulders or arms as Isa arched his back with a shudder and let one last choked moan out.
It wasn't ideal. Isa wanted Axel to tell him what was weighing him down. Isa wanted to be Axel's support and protection, not just stress release. It was a vicious cycle that frightened Isa. The more Axel gave him the more he wanted, and the voice at the back of his head kept reminding him that he should be happy that Axel saw a function in him at all.
Isa closed his eyes. There was still time before they had to leave. He smiled. He had something that would make Axel happy again. It was something he had wanted to tell him the night before, but it had slipped his mind.
"Axel," Isa began softly, looking up at Axel's back as he heard Axel's breathing change from calm and soft breaths to a deep sigh and then nothing. "...I'd like to see the clock tower today."
Axel shifted in bed and sat up to look at Isa.
"I'm not grounded anymore?" His eyes were wide with surprise. Axel had been confined within this world for less than two weeks, but to him it seemed like it had been eternities even though he at least got to spend some time in the virtual Twilight Town.
Isa sat up and gave Axel a quick nod.
"I convinced Xemnas that you'd be of better use doing missions with the others."
"So I'll be going on a mission today? Outside?"
"Only in the morning. Don't loiter around after you've finished your work. We'll leave for Twilight Town as soon as you come back. That leaves us with an hour or so to watch the sun set." Isa leaned in for a quick kiss but stayed close when Axel brushed his hair back and tilted his head back up to leave a trail of soft kisses from his lips and down to his chin.
"And Xemnas is in Hollow Bastion?"
"He will be. Why?"
"Just wondering."
Axel smiled as he sat back. Isa frowned slightly at the sad look in Axel's eyes. It didn't seem like Axel would explain, but Isa wanted to know, and he reached for Axel's wrist and kept him from leaving the bed.
"We should get ready for work," Axel said and pulled his arm back slightly.
"Why are you sad? I thought you'd be happy to hear that your punishment has been lifted."
"I am. I am happy. Really." Axel sighed and looked down at the side of the bed before he could look back at Isa. He reached for Isa with his other hand, and with a gentle tug at the back of Isa's head, he brought Isa closer to run his arms around him. "I'm sorry, Isa. I tried. Whatever happens, know that I tried."
Isa's breath hitched in his throat at hearing Axel say his real name. At that moment, it was Lea holding him, sheltering Isa from the world around them, and Isa wanted to call out for him like he had done so many times before without any results. He wanted to say "I'm here. I'm here, Lea." but his throat seemed to have closed up with a thick lump that made his eyes water and sting with the saltiness of it.
Their eyes met when Axel pulled back slowly. He seemed to be searching for someone in Isa's eyes. His apology had been to someone else. To someone Axel thought he couldn't see or hear but that was sitting right there in front of him, caught in the violent torrents of cold water, screaming for rescue in a world where his voice couldn't travel far.
"Let's get ready for work. We have a busy day today."
Axel smiled again, but all Isa could see was the sadness in his eyes as another small voice in the back of Isa's head kept screaming for Lea to notice him; I'm here. Why can't you see me?
~o~
When the clock on the wall let out a soft tune to let everyone know that it was eight in evening, Isa crossed his arms, holding his notepad close to his chest. Almost everyone had reported back. Everyone but Axel.
Isa had thought of simply walking through a portal of darkness and see where he'd end up. He knew how to open one, but he had never used them himself. Saïx had, but Isa was afraid that the portals of darkness were like the rain. Maybe he had to be wearing an armor to last longer in darkness. Demyx had given him a strange look as he said that it was easy to use them. All you had to do was to think of the place where you wanted to go, but Isa was uncertain if it would work to just think "Take me to wherever Axel is."
He reached his hand out to see thorns of darkness play at his gloved fingertips as he prepared to open a portal of darkness to go to the world he had sent Axel to. Maybe he needed help. Easy missions could quickly turn into something unexpected and dangerous.
"Chuckles! Conference." Xigbar stood by the doorway at the other end of the room and stared at Isa with his one good eye.
"I'm not finished with work yet."
"Yeah, you are. Conference, now."
Isa didn't get to say anything else. In the blink of an eye, he had gone from standing in the lounge to sitting by the conference table in the room of mirrors. Xemnas was already there, waiting for his subordinates.
"Sir, I haven't collected all the mission reports yet. I'm still waiting for one more." Isa was quick to explain when Xemnas stared at him with the same strange amusement Isa had seen in Xigbar just seconds before.
"You'll have to do an awful lot of waiting, Saïx." Xemnas said.
"Ah, Chuckles, you have a knack for messing things up, don't ya?" Xigbar said with a smirk.
"What do you mean?" Isa's voice was steady, but his grip around his notepad tightened. He remembered a similar situation that had started off with a phrase like that. It made something turn in Isa's stomach, but he kept his calm and quickly glanced at Xemnas to try to figure out if maybe he should be afraid.
"Well," Xigbar began with a condescending tone. "It strikes me as a little weird that Axel would disappear from under our noses at the one time our surveillance is at its weakest. Is that something you let slip, Chuckles? What else did he find out about?"
"...disappeared?"
Xigbar laughed out loud at the sudden and subtle look of shock on Isa's face.
"That explains a lot. I was wondering why you two were suddenly joined at the hip. We already knew that you don't work well when Axel's hanging a carrot in front of you, but you've surpassed yourself this time, Chuckles." Xigbar laughed again.
"What do you mean disappeared?" Isa asked again, his voice stern to hide the growing panic inside. "You said that Axel had served his punishment and that it was alright to send him back on missions."
"We didn't make him disappear." Xemnas said, unmoved by it all.
"That would be a little counterproductive on our part, considering how few of us there's left, don't you think?" Xigbar leaned forward in his seat. "No, Chuckles, by the looks of it, this is something much more fun. Axel disappeared out of own free will, and since we can't find him, he must've run as fast as his legs could carry him. That two-timing son of a gun had it all planed out. He used you to escape. And you can right me if I'm wrong, Chuckles, but I'm gonna bet that all he had to do was squeeze you right to have all the beans spilling everywhere."
"No...he, Axel went on a mission to Halloween Town. I think I must have miscalculated the amount of Heartless." Isa looked up at both Xemnas and Xigbar, ignoring the sudden sting in his chest as he felt black dust stir up and pounce against his rib cage. "This must be a mistake. I'll find him, and I'll bring him back."
"And you think you can waste everyone's time like that?" Xigbar asked, frowning with distaste.
"You said it yourself, Xigbar. There are very few of us left. I'll bring Axel back." Isa turned his attention to Xemnas. "Sir, I'll think of a plan. Please, entrust this to me."
"Very well. Don't let this interfere with anything else."
"I won't, sir."
Isa was out of the room of mirrors and in a long hallway in the blink of an eye. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls slowly, suctioned upward by the ceiling to reveal blank surfaces. Isa walked forward. This wasn't a place he recognized, but it wasn't the first time he had been pulled out of what he knew and into foreign places. It wasn't the first time he was left behind. It wasn't his first time alone, and yet, he felt a fracture grow across his chest with the threat of turning into a rift. It had happened before, but this time it wasn't his armor crumbling.
We've been through this. Pull yourself together.
Moving forward had become a reflex. It wasn't an instinct for survival, it wasn't fear, it just was.
Isa wished for it to be no more. Only then would he stop moving forward without aim; only then could he stop long enough to dig into his chest and remove the insistent storm of black dust that was turning into an ocean of black waves crashing against the illusion of a heart with the gentle thumps.
He held a hand out against the wall to keep his balance. This wasn't like any other storm he had pulled through. It wasn't just grains cutting through his insides. It wasn't just pebbles trying to crush through his lungs and ribs. This storm had a target. It came with the comforting feeling Isa had come to relate with security blankets when a part of him was kept away from a reality only his armor could handle, and it came with excruciating pain as the waves crashed against the walls of the veins surrounding his chest and spread like a wildfire down his arms and legs.
"Have you thought of what you'll do when you get Axel back here?" Xigbar asked from down the hallway. "You think just bringing him back will keep him from escaping? You're not worth sticking around for."
Isa kept walking, but he wasn't fast enough to get away from Xigbar.
"What is it, Chuckles? Are you feeling a little under the weather?" Xigbar grinned. "What's making the kangaroo kick around in there, Chuckles? Is it because he used you or is it because he abandoned you without a second thought?"
Isa had his hands around Xigbar's neck faster than he thought he could react. He pushed Xigbar against the wall, hard enough for the impeccable blank surface to crack. The pained grunt from Xigbar made the black waves move easier through Isa's veins as he let out a breath of slight relief. He could feel his eyes sting, but he thought that maybe it was because he hadn't blinked in a while − not that he would anytime soon. He wanted to see his fingers sink into Xigbar's throat. He wanted to hear Xigbar's windpipe crush under his grip, and wipe that sneer off his face.
"That's right, Chuckles. Get angrier. Don't fight it. You'll feel better soon."
Xigbar managed to hit Isa at the side of his head with his elbow. Isa stumbled away, releasing his grip around Xigbar's throat. The raging storm blinded Isa for a short moment, but he quickly regained his composure just in time to jump away from the shots Xigbar fired at him from a distance.
"What did Axel promise this time that made you drop your guard? He promised you something, didn't he?" Xigbar laughed as he teleported away from Isa. "You must've known, Chuckles. He wasn't going to keep his promise to you. You're a disposable tool. You pulled him under and made his life hell. Who would want to be remembered by someone like you?"
Isa wanted it to be anger, he wanted it to be hate; but it was the hurt that stung in his fingertips that made his claymore materialize. He remembered the last time he had used his weapon, and he remembered it breaking and becoming one of the many things that had failed him when he needed protection.
"You're still hanging on, Chuckles. Just let go."
Isa swung his claymore, feeling like his skin was about to tear and release raw emotions that he wasn't ready to handle. His weapon caught in the wall. Isa used his momentum to jump forward and past Xigbar. The claymore was still caught in the wall, but as Isa hurried down the hall, it disappeared, leaving nothing but cracks in the blank surface.
The surroundings shifted around him. The blank hallway pulled back the wallpaper from above and used it to turn into the hallway Isa had only seen once before. The ping of the elevator at the end of the hallway summoned the familiar door to the closest thing to home. Isa stumbled into his room and pulled down the zipper of his black coat. He thought of rummaging the kitchen for a knife to cut off all the parts of him that were infected by the storm of black dust. He could see it in the veins on his arms and his legs.
It became a matter of now or never.
He was still in control.
He was still sane.
And it was his sanity that made him stop the sharp blade mere inches from his skin.
It wasn't survival instinct.
It was fear.
What if I'm empty after all?
"Saïx..." Isa sobbed. He was trembling, terrified by the sheer force of the storm that raged inside him with the threat of drowning him once and for all. "Please, Saïx...anyone...save me...please..."
His armor reached around him, locking their arms over Isa's chest. Isa stopped struggling, ready for the familiar feeling of being covered by dark blankets and being pulled into a place where he could sleep, but this was nothing like it. His armor put his hand over Isa's mouth and nose as the black waves washed over them, pulling them into strong currents.
Hold your breath. Don't let the bubbles escape.
Isa did as he was told. He closed his eyes tightly when he could see the dark depths push toward the surface with thorns similar to those he had seen lick his hands whenever he summoned something. The thorns were around his ankles, trying to pull him down, but the currents were too strong, and they were swept away .
Isa felt his exterior melt. His skin was on fire, but he could only focus on holding his breath. The hold around him fell through and into him as he was caught in a cold torrent. Isa merged with his armor. The line he had drawn between himself and the fury Saïx had contained, was erased and molded into his new foundation. He had to open his eyes when his corneas radiated a searing light that threatened to burn his eyelids.
The chaotic darkness around him stopped swirling. It left a space of ocean between him and it. The currents faded. Isa was still holding his hand over his mouth and nose, and he let his hand fall to his side as he looked up toward the surface where he saw a whale swim past and take with it his last ounce of sympathy.
~o~
Saïx was kept under surveillance. His anger made him unstable, they said. He had to be taught ways of keeping it under wraps. Xigbar told him to pretend that it was all a charade; a practice before the real deal. "Save it up for the one battle that matters." Saïx didn't pay him much attention. He was settling into indifference to soothe the anger that bubbled underneath his skin like a constant reminder of the power he held. Hatred had filled his ribcage and kept the storm at bay, and to think that he had spent such a long time struggling against something that was strangely liberating.
He had caught glimpses of this state before. Most of the employees had, and it made them tread on eggshells around him now. They knew that if his restraint broke, he wouldn't stop until someone was dead.
