Authors note: Finally have Internet again. Here is a laid back chapter between Matt and Mello and in the next chapter you will get to read Mello's own personal journal entries. Anyway, please read, review and enjoy.

Bittersweet friendship

"Matt?" Mello began his eyes still closed. He wasn't used to hanging upside down on a couch playing videogames but Matt was. The red head had asked him if he wanted to play and truthfully he didn't but the idea that the red head would finally talk to him was too appealing. He could faintly hear the boy beside him, completely engrossed, muttering under his breath while he managed to steer the car with precision. "Matt, I'm talking to you."

The red head nodded, "I know. You need less talking and more driving. You suck at this." He mumbled something else but it was lost in the string of curses from Matt hitting the wall on a tight corner that Mello had rammed him into. "That's bullshit."

The blond sighed placing the controller on his stomach and crossed his fingers. "Matt, I wanted to say that I'm sorry." He whispered though he wasn't sure of the red head could hear him over the sound of the television. Apparently he did because he shrugged lightly but took good measure to reach up and pull his goggles over his eyes before continuing the game on his own. "I mean it Matt. I shouldn't have gone through your stuff but I was worried about you."

He glanced sideways but shrugged again. "I don't know why. My computer had nothing to do with you worrying about me. Remember, you went through it because somehow I mentioned that you were inside of it. We live together Mello. There's bound to be something in there about you." His face twisted awkwardly before he abruptly pulled himself up and turning properly on the couch. "I don't go through your shit Mello, if I did you'd probably attempt to beat me into a stupor. The minute you touch something that isn't yours you feel that if you apologize everything should go back to being okay. It's not."

The blond nodded, "I deserve that. I know that I do but Matt you had been keeping that journal for years."

"I know. I was the one writing inside of it Mello. I remember every last one of the entries in there from childhood to yesterday." He glanced down at his own hands. "You had no right to go through my journal Mello. You found out things that you shouldn't have."

Mello didn't move. Instead he turned his face away. He couldn't dare say that he was sorry again. Matt clearly wasn't going to let that change anything. What did he want? He had already admitted that he was wrong in the situation and as far as Mello was concerned that should have even happened. Matt shouldn't have been writing about him inside that stupid journal but nothing could be changed now.

"I found out that you go in my room when I'm not home and sleep." He mumbled seriously closing his eyes again. "I found out that when I leave you don't think that I'm going to come back. I guess I deserve that. I found out that you used your nerdy Internet friends to find me after I left Wammy house. I found out that when I was away you used to dream about me. I found out that you knew where I was for almost six months but was too scared to actually speak to me so you kept your distance. I found out that you left before finals at Wammy house and therefore you were never placed. I found out that…"

"You found out that since we were kids I've been in love with you." He whispered coldly. Mello opened his eyes to find Matt staring ahead into the television that was paused from the game. "That I spent my days following behind the only person that decided to give me consideration and care. The only person that worried about me and in return I worried about you. When you left me Mello, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know where to go or where I belonged." He clutched his gloved hand, "But now that we live together I found out that I'll never be anything more than your hacker friend and I accepted that. You wouldn't want some weirdo like me. If anything you'd want someone like you." His voice remained low as he continued on. "But you still come back to me and you look after me when I'm not me. It's only to be expected because I'm your friend. You're a good friend Mello."

Mello glanced over but Matt still hadn't moved. "Matt, you know what I'm going to say. I really…"

"Can't." He replied for him before shrugging. "I've known that for years but it doesn't mean that my feelings for you will go away. It's just awkward now." He sighed running his fingers through his hair. "I don't think that it's best for us both to be here anymore. I've been thinking since yesterday that I should…"

The blond glared, "Don't you dare say that you're going to move out just because I found out that you have a crush on me." He downplayed it for his own good. "I've known for years that you liked me Matt. Well, actually I just assumed that you liked me I wasn't too sure about it but…" His voice trailed off but he continued to stare at the red head who looked him over for a while. "If I didn't allow it to change our friendship why would you?" He questioned watching the others gaze wander.

He shook his head slowly, "You don't understand. You were never meant to know Mello." The red head almost looked caged when he turned heading down the hallway. "If you never knew then you couldn't turn me down. I…" He stopped clenching his fist. "I'm not saying that we shouldn't be friends anymore, I'm simply saying that maybe it isn't best that we live together any longer."

Mello strutted forward before grabbing the other by the shoulders, "I'm basically rolling over for you right now and you're still managing to piss me off. I'm saying that I want you to stay here…with me." He blinked a second. "I don't want you to get the wrong meaning behind that but we're mates. Where the hell would you be if you weren't here with me? Matt, you can barely walk outside the door for more than ten minutes without needing help. Don't make me beg. As far as I'm concerned I already am. Matt, please." He watched the red head look away. "I said I was sorry. I said I wouldn't do it again. I said that I would ignore your feelings."

Matt shoved the other, "That's the fucking problem. If I'm here with you Mello I'll never be able to…" He stared at the other for several seconds. "You don't understand, do you?" He watched blue eyes narrow on him before laughing quietly to himself. "You don't understand how I feel everyday we're together Mello. I don't think that you ever will. Look, I'll think about what you're asking from me but I don't think I'll be able to stay here with the knowledge that you know everything that's gone through my mind for the last decade."

The blond frowned, "If I let you read my journal will you stay?" He asked seriously as Matt just stared at him. "You didn't think you were the only person writing down their most intimate thoughts, right?" He questioned as the red head shrugged. "We all had our moments and Roger said that the best way to get it out completely was to write it down. You did, I did and so did everyone else. If I let you read my own journal will you calm the fuck down and stay?" He watched the red head slowly nod at him. "Good, I'll bring it."

He watched the other begin down the hallway, "Don't fuck with me Mello. You can't go in there and rip out pages because you don't want me seeing them."

He held a hand up, "I know. I read everything about you, I guess the least I could do was return the favour."