I had to start putting everything behind me. All of the bad things, they are in the past and that is where they will stay. All I can do now is learn from it.
Flashback
"Rise and shine bird boy." Ugh I hate the morning after almost dying…it is always so painful. "I said wake up man, Bruce brought the boys by and they want to see you." Wally said and pulled my covers basically off my body. Great now I get to add on two hyperactive kids to my already splitting head ache. Not to mention I had an overbearing father and obnoxious friends to add into the mix.
Today was going to suck. Simple conclusion.
"Man I told you GET UP!" I was able to deliver a firm kick to the speedster's stomach and then turn onto my back and look at him in the eyes with distain. "Hey don't think almost dying is an excuse to get out of seeing these boys." Well aren't we a comedian? "I'm just saying they deserve to know that you are alright, especially after what they have been through the past few days. You and Bruce offered them a home and then all of the sudden you are taken away from them by the same man who killed their father, if there was any time these kids needed reassurance that there is good in the world…it's now." God I hate it when he was right. Reluctantly I got up and started to get dressed. To my embarrassment Wally had to help me with a few things because the pain was a little too much to handle while getting ready for the day. He assured me that it was no problem but I couldn't help but feel like a burden. I always felt that way when I was injured. I was human, and I know Artemis is too but she is almost never injured because she deals with long distance types of fighting. It was just…sad. I mean I am supposed to be the Boy Wonder! Not the Boy Blunder like Joker calls me.
"Dude. Are you still with me?"
"What?" I asked.
"I said, come on man lets go to the kitchen." Holding onto Wally's arm for support we made our way to the kitchen. Being the stubborn person I am, I made sure to let go of his arm that way the boys and the others could not see me in such a vulnerable state. It is stupid I know but I just couldn't admit to them even by the way that I carried myself, that I was defeated. After all a Bat is never bested.
"DICKIE!" Tim cried with his arms in the air as he ran at me. Thank god that he was all smiles but I found myself looking for Jason. Luckily I found him standing next to Bruce peering out from behind his leg. It wasn't like Jason to be so shy and that worried me.
"Hey buddy how are you?" I said picking up Timmy into my arms and walking over to Bruce and Jason.
"I'm okay. I still miss daddy and I was worried about you but now it is okay because you are back." Tim nuzzled his head into my neck and sighed.
"Well I am happy that you are okay." When I got to Bruce I pulled a chair out to sit on that way I didn't physically exhaust myself in front of everyone. "Hey Jason why don't you come out here for a second." By now Jason had a firm hold on Bruce's pants and it seemed he would not be leaving his spot anytime soon. "Buddy what is wrong?" I asked with pure concern in my voice. His big green eyes looked away from me and to the floor. "Why won't you tell me?"
"Because he is to scared." Tim said and Jason shot a death glare to his younger brother.
"Tim what are you talking about?" I asked.
"Don't say a word you little ankle bitter!" Jason yelled but still remained behind Bruce's leg. I wanted to laugh at the terminology that the kid was using but I knew now was not the time and place for that reaction.
"Jason I promise I won't judge you. What went down the past few days is scary stuff; you have no reason to be ashamed if you are afraid of something." I was trying my best to sound like Bruce when he was comforting me, but I have a feeling I failed.
"No." Was all the Jason would say and then he buried himself deeper into Bruce.
"He is afraid that you are going to leave again." Tim said with a smile and then stuck his tongue out at his older brother.
"SHUT UP!" I heard Jason yell but his face was nowhere to be seen.
"What do you mean he is afraid of me leaving? Jay what is wrong?" This worried me, would he be afraid every time that I went on a mission? What exactly did he mean by leaving anyway?
"Daddy just left and Jay doesn't want you or Bruce to go too. He is scared that since Joker got Daddy then he will get you too." By the time Tim was done his face was buried into my shoulder and his voice went from happy to completely miserable. "We just got you Dickie; we don't want you to leave."
"Jay is that true? Is that what you are afraid of?" Jason slowly started to move away from Bruce's leg but only so one of his eyes was visible to the group. That one green eye was a sea of complex emotions that should not belong to a small child. The battle between fear and anger was evident in the crease of his brow.
"No. I don't care about you Grayson." My brain made the automatic translation to "Of course that is what I am afraid of! Why won't you help me?"
"Well that sucks because I care about you and if you are afraid then I will do everything that I can to help you. So either you talk to me of your own free will or I get the team to bring you over here and I force it out of you. Which is it going to be?" A small amount of terror flashed through his eyes but he quickly regained his composure.
"I have no idea what you are talking about." The resolve in his voice wavered only the slightest, but only Bruce and Connor seem to notice besides me.
"Okay then option B it is. Bruce will you excuse us please?"
"You may not hurt him." Bruce said.
"Scouts honor."
"Dickie you're not a scout." Tim yelled.
"That is the point kiddo." Wally said picking Tim up out of my arms and walking to the other side of the room knowing that soon Jason would be occupying that space.
Jason looked almost lost once Bruce forcibly removed the child from his leg and left the room. I almost felt bad for him, but then I remembered why we were doing this. After a few seconds I looked at Connor and he went to go get Jason from the corner that he backed himself into. "You wouldn't." He growled at the clone.
"I don't think you know exactly what I will do so that is an uninformed statement." By the time Connor was done talking he already had the boy in his arms.
"Dick this is ridiculous! Tell him to let me go this instant!" I really wanted to laugh at him, but I controlled myself knowing that he would flip out if I did.
"If you came over here nicely then he wouldn't have had to carry you now would he?" I retorted with some amusement seeping through in my voice. Seeing the boy fruitlessly struggle against the clone of Superman was just a tad bit hilarious.
Connor walked over and literally dropped the young child in my lap with a grunt and then left to go stand next to his girlfriend. Instead of the struggling that I had imagined Jason stay put contently on my lap. Now if any behavior was unheard of by the boy then it was defiantly cooperation, so our current position made entirely no sense to me. "Well?" Jason sighed with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"What?" I asked.
"Well aren't you going to try and get me to open up about my feelings and then do some other mushy junk like hug me or something?" The fact that he was attempting to sound disgusted was funny because I knew on the inside that is all the child really wanted from me. The knowledge that he wasn't alone in the world and that I wasn't going to leave him was all he could ever want from me. And that hug that he pretended to hate so much was confirmation of that love that I was promising.
"Is that what you want me to do? Because if it is then we could do that." Jason looked up at me with a glare. "How do you feel Jay Bird?" The glare hardened. "Hey don't get mad at me, you are the one that decided this course of action."
"It was sarcasm." Jason growled.
"Well your sarcasm backfired because it gave me an idea. So you may now proceed to spill your guts." I could almost hear the inner struggle that was going on in Jason's head. On one hand he didn't want to admit to what he felt was a major weakness, but on the other he didn't want to carry around the burden emotionally isolating yourself comes with. "I promise I will do everything that I can to help you, but I can't do that if you won't tell me what is wrong."
"Sometimes I hate you Grayson." I knew that meant that I was winning. "But it is going to sound so stupid!" Jason whined.
"Hey kiddo nothing you are going to say can be that stupid, after all we can compare it to what Baywatch says over here and then you will look like a freakin genius." Artemis said with a smirk on her face. Wally's mouth dropped from the insult and Tim let out a high pitched laugh at the speedster's expense. Jay intern allowed a small smile to grace his lips. I couldn't decide if it was from the comment or if it was because he got to hear his brother laugh again.
"It hurts." Jason whispered but this time everyone heard him.
"What hurts Jay?" I asked.
"My dad's death, you being kidnapped. All of that stuff hurts and I am tired of the pain. I don't want to hurt anymore Dick. I don't want to." Tears were starting to pool in those deep green eyes. Anger coursed through my veins, burning with the need for vengeance. This must be how Bruce feels anytime that I get hurt, passion and hatred flowing through your body all at once, and having to fight every instinct that you have that calls for extreme measures to be met. "How do you make that hurt go away?" Jason asked.
"You don't." I whispered back.
Pure shock made its way onto all of the faces in the room besides my own. Jason by far was the hardest to look at but I knew that I had to. "What do you mean you don't? Do I have to live with this forever?" Jason yelled at me and let a few of those pooling tears fall from his eyes.
"You learn from it." I said. "The pain never goes away, it dulls with time and love by family and friends but it never completely leaves you. You just have to learn from the pain." Bruce had told me the same thing after my parents had died but I never understood until now. I also had something to learn.
End Flashback
"How would you know? How could you possibly tell me that it dulls and that I have to learn from it? What do you know Grayson?" Jason yelled and jumped from my lap but I was able to grab his arm and pull him toward me. The struggle that I had expected earlier was taking place now, his body contorted as a means to get away but I held my grip and he was unable to escape. "LET ME GO! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"
"Except that I know exactly how you feel." I now had a hold of his shoulders and forced him to look me in the eyes. "Jason my life has been anything but easy, so don't you say I know nothing about what you are going through. Both of my parents were taken from me in the exact same day and worse, I had to watch. How do you think it feels when you make eye contact with your mother as she is falling to her death and her last words are your name? She was pleading for me to save her and I was powerless to do anything. Believe me Jay I know how you feel." I could feel the eyes of the team on me, I could feel the pity radiating off of them.
"Oh really? How do I feel Dick?" His doubt stung, but I knew that he was giving me a chance to prove myself to him.
"You're angry, furious actually because you know not only that someone took them from you but also that you are never getting them back. That realization kills you inside but you can't let it show because if you do then people start to pity you. And that makes you even angrier because the very idea of pity makes you want to scream. And then your rational side is telling you to remain calm because that is what your parents would want. Then there is the responsibility you feel for Tim, I mean after all you are his older brother and only living relative so it is reasonable to believe that now you have to stay strong and provide for him. But the stress of it all is just building inside of you and eventually the pressure is going to be too much and then you will explode, only making matters worse than what they already were." By the time I was finished Jason was wide eyed and the tears were falling down his pale face without meaning to stop. I think he was shocked that I was actually able to fathom all of the emotions that were flying around and battling for dominance in his heart. "Jay please let me help you."
"You said that we just have to learn….how can you help me?" Jason asked.
"Bruce taught me, let me teach you. I know how to let things go." Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because Jason's face became red with pure rage.
"LET THINGS GO? You want me to let go my father's MURDER? Please tell me how I am supposed to let go my father being killed in cold blood and then a day later watching you taken from us twice and one of those times being my fault?" Jason yet again tried to pull from my grip but I brought him back into a hug.
"I know it is hard, believe the thirst for vengeance is hard to push away, but you have to move on. Do you really think your father would want you to remain angry all your life? Would he want his death to push you into the darkness? Or would he want it to define you in a way that brought you closer to justice? I knew your dad Jay, I don't think he would want you to let this hinder you. What happened is in the past, and that is where it will remain because you can't do anything about that, but you can shape your future." Wally let Tim from his hands and the small boy ran over to his brother and I and gave a us as big as a hug he could manage. "Oh and one more thing." Jason looked up at me with curious eyes. "If you ever try and blame yourself for what went down at City Hall again I will make sure Bruce grounds you for at least a week and I will lecture you myself on the stupidity of that comment. " My voice was so stern, sort of like Bruce's when he is upset with me. "I will not have you blaming yourself over something you had no control over. Do you understand?"
"Yeah Grayson I got it."
"Good." I said with a smile of victory.
"That goes for you to then Richard." Turning I saw Bruce entering.
"What are you talking about?" I didn't blame myself for what went down at City Hall; no one really could have prevented what happened.
"You are not allowed to blame yourself for events you had no control over. Yes I know that you have made considerable progress with the loss of your parents but I also know you regret not being able to save them. Richard you must also understand that a mere nine year old would not have been able to save them in the position you were in, even if you had the skills of Robin at the time." I let out a sigh knowing that he was right. I still do blame myself for being too small and too weak to save my parents.
"You're right. I guess us three are just going to have to learn how to do it together." I said with a smile.
"Really?" Tim's eyes brightened up.
"Really." I confirmed with a nod of my head.
"I guess it won't be so bad if Grayson has to do it too."
Looking at Bruce we shared a message. This family thing just might work out.
A/N: I'm so sorry I have taken so long to update. I tried to make it longer than normal to make up for it. If anyone has ideas of where they want this to go then feel free to share through a review or private message. Thanks guys you are amazing!
