Chapter 11: The Adventures of Batman and What's Her Name

Meg was driving the babies home from preschool in Zack's old beat up Cadillac. Tilly, CJ, and Stewie sat in their seats quietly, while Maddie was bouncing up and down in her seat in excitement.

"Hurry up, mom!" said Maddie, "We have to get home before it's too late!"

"Too late for what?" asked Meg.

"Crap, it's happening!" said Maddie as she looked at the clock on the dashboard.

"What's happening?" asked Meg, "What are you talking about?"

"At home!" shouted Maddie, "No time to explain! Just step on it!"

Meg then hits the gas on the car and zoomed off. They then speed past a police car. The siren then goes off and he begins chase.

"The cops..." said Tilly.

"I better pull over," said Meg.

"You can't!" said Maddie, "Dad, Grandpa, and the others NEED us! NOW!!"

Meg then speeds off even faster, making sharp turns as the cop car is speeding behind them.

"He's gaining on us!" said CJ.

"Hang on, kids!" said Meg as she saw a train track.

She then speeds past the tracks. The cop car then attempts to speed past them as well, but gets hit by a speeding train. The car then parks in front of the driveway and the passengers run out of the car and into the house.

"What took you guys so long?" asked Peter.

"Did we make it in time?" asked Maddie.

"Sure did," said Zack, "Grab some popcorn and have a seat."

Maddie then gets on the couch as Zack turns on the HD TV to the 60's Batman show.

"Wait... You made me rush through traffic and almost had me arrested over Batman?" asked Meg, "BATMAN?"

"But, mom, I love this show!" said Maddie, "I've never missed an episode!"

"Yeah, Meg, pull up a chair and watch Batman!" said Chris.

"You what I should pull up?" asked Meg as she walked up to Chris and pulled up his shirt. Zack then threw up on the floor.

"Christ, Meg!" said Zack, "You just made me toss the best damn ham and cheese sandwich I ever ate!"

"Thought I forgot about that, didn't I?" asked Meg.

"Ow... my self esteem," said Chris.

"Since when did you start watching Batman?" asked Lois.

"Since Adam West told me he was on it," said Maddie, "He's so awesome as Batman!"

"Anyway, Maddie," said Meg, "Do you know what day tomorrow will be?"

"Yeah," said Maddie, "Saturday."

"No, Maddie. Tomorrow's a very special day," said Zack, "A VERY special one. Do you know what it is?"

"Oh my gosh! You're right!" said Maddie, "Tomorrow's the Batman marathon! Oh, I'm so psyched! I'm gonna go call Olivia!"

Maddie then runs into the kitchen, leaving everybody else alone. Meg then sadly sighs.

"What's the matter, Meg?" asked Zack, "Aren't you excited about tomorrow?"

"I am," said Meg, "It's just... She doesn't seem to know or care."

"And that's what's going to make the surprise that more special," said Lois.

"Exactly what is tomorrow?" asked Brian.

"Tomorrow is Maddie's birthday," said Meg, "The day my baby finally turns 1."

"Question," said Brian, "If Maddie's turning one, why are you still 17 and Zack's still 20? That doesn't make sense."

"You know what else doesn't make sense?" asked Zack, "A talking dog."

"Touche..." said Brian.

"Anyway, Zack and I have come up with a cool act for the party," said Peter.

"Peter is going to pound nine inch nails up my nose with a hammer," said Zack.

"Isn't that dangerous?" asked Meg.

"Nah, I saw a guy on TV do it once," said Zack, "It's perfectly safe. Allow me to demonstrate. Peter?"

"One nail in the snouser coming up," said Peter.

"Honey, I'm sure Maddie will be very happy once she sees what you've done," said Lois, "Just seeing her smile should make it all worth while."

"Thanks, mom," said Meg, "I hope you're right."

"OW!! SON OF BITCH!!" screamed Zack, "WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS? AND THIS IS ONLY A 4 INCHER, TOO!!"

Meanwhile upstairs, Maddie is on the phone with Olivia.

"Are you sure this is gonna work?" asked Olivia.

"Of course it will," said Maddie, "I KNOW that tomorrow's my birthday."

"So why are you pretending that you don't?" asked Olivia.

"Because they'll feel guilty and give me MORE presents," said Maddie, "They might even give me some money. I'll cut you in on the deal."

"So nobody else knows about this?" asked Olivia, "Not even Stewie or your cousins?"

"Nobody!" said Maddie, "They're more clueless than Aunt Jillian was when we got "stuck" on the escalator."

Flashback

Maddie is with Jillian at the mall on the escalator when the power suddenly goes out.

"Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "The escalator's not moving! We're stuck! WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE!"

"Aunt Jillian, we can walk," said Maddie, "It's just like the stairs."

"Walking on an escalator?" asked Jillian, "HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!"

"Ugh, I'm glad I'm not a blonde," said Maddie, "Wait a minute... I AM!!"

Maddie's head then explodes for no apparent reason.

"Maddie, stop making that face!" said Jillian, "That's not nice!"

End Flashback.

The next morning Maddie wakes up in her room/Tilly's lab greeted by the sight of metal walls.

"This place looks like the freakin' Technodrome," said Maddie, "Oh well, better claim my prizes!"

Maddie then takes out a super soaker and sneaks into her parents' bedroom. She then leaps into the room and sprays their bed with the soaker.

"SURPRISE!!" she shouted as she then lifted the covers... to find nobody there, "Huh? C'mon! I spent 5 hours in the sewers getting this water! Oh well, maybe I can get grandma and grandpa."

She then pumps up her supersoaker and sneaks into the master bedroom. She then squirts water on Peter and Lois' bed. She then flips off the covers to find that nobody's there either.

"What the hell?" asked Maddie as she walked into the living room, "Alright, you all got me! Surprise, everybody."

Nobody is there. Maddie then looks around the house in panic. Into the kitchen, in the bathrooms, in the backyard... Nobody... nothing...

"Where is everybody?" asked Maddie, "Maybe somebody outside knows."

Maddie had already went to Olivia's and Bertram's houses, but nobody's there. Right now, she is looking through Mrs. Lockheart's windows to see that nobody is in there.

"Cripes, I can't even find Mrs. Lockheart!" said Maddie, "That isn't even possible. I mean, you could see her boobs from space!"

Cutaway

On a space shuttle, a bunch of astronauts are looking at the Earth from space.

"Hey look!" said an astronaut, "The great wall of China."

"Yeah? Well I see John Travolta's driveway," said another astronaut.

"Well I see the Arctic ice pack!" said another.

"Yeah, well I can see Mrs. Lockheart's boobs!" said one.

"Really?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I see them too."

"How can she walk with those?"

End Cutaway

"And grandpa is the WORST hide n seek player on Earth," continued Maddie.

Flashback

Maddie is playing hide and seek and is "it". She's at home base, counting down.

"Nine, ten! Ready or not, here I come!" said Maddie as she ran down the park a little.

"She'll never find me here," said Peter as he was standing in broad daylight and had a black bar covering his eyes.

End Flashback

"Well, there's only one person who can help me find them, now," said Maddie, "Adam West!"

Later at Adam West's manner, Maddie is looking for Adam West when she sees a sign that gets her attention.

"One way," said Maddie, "That must be where Mr. West is!"

She then quickly runs into the area... And then quickly runs out as her clothes are all tattered and torn.

"Okay, maybe not," said Maddie.

"Mickie?" asked Adam West as he opened his front door, "What are you doing here?"

"It's Maddie!" said Maddie, "And it's my family. They're missing."

"A missing family, eh?" asked West, "That IS a tragedy indeed. But why should I help you?"

"Because you're Batman!" said Maddie.

"I... WAS Batman," said Adam West, "I hung up my cape and cowl years ago. The days where I fought crime from evil doers are over."

"But... why?" asked Maddie.

"You see... by season 3, the ratings were beginning to fall," said West, "As such my show was canceled, and I was just too ashamed to wear the cape and cowl. From that day forward, I had become Adam West. I just don't deserve to be called Batman anymore."

"I don't believe this," said Maddie, "The REAL Batman wouldn't let a cancellation keep him from being Batman! You're right. You DON'T deserve to be called Batman!"

"Well DUH!" said West, "I believe I already covered that."

"Whatever," said Maddie as she left the house.

Adam West then looks over and sees his old Batman costume hanging on the wall. He then begins to think to himself and smiles.

"That costume would look even better in the den!" he said as he pulled down his costume, "Wait, that wasn't the message was it?"

Meanwhile outside as Maddie sets foot out of West Manor, she gets grabbed by 3 men in ski masks.

"Hey look!" said one the men, "It's that little Murdock kid."

"Hey, ain't her great grandparents them rich Pewtershmidts?" asked another.

"How much do you think her great grandparents will pay to get her back?" asked another.

"Let me go, creep!" she said as she bit the one holding her in the arm.

"OW!!" he shouted as he let go.

Maddie then tries to run away, but is then grabbed by her neck.

"You made a big mistake, kid!" said one man as he pulled out a gun.

At that moment, a couple of headlights pull up in front of them, blinding the three masked men. The car is then revealed to be the Batmobile and out steps Batman himself!

"So the freak in the mask wants to play, huh?" asked one masked man as he grabbed a crowbar and ran up to Batman. He was then given a kick to the mid section.

POW!

A guy then pulls out his gun, but Batman punches him in the jaw.

BIFF!

Another tries to run at Batman, but misses and runs smackdab into a wall.

MISS!

Batman then ties up the men to a lamp post as Maddie runs up to him.

"Wow, Mr. West!" said Maddie, "That was so cool!"

"Please, Holly," said Adam West, "Call me, Batman."

"The Batman is back in business!" said Maddie.

"Not quite," said West as he pulled out a small Robin costume, "I still need a sidekick. Know anybody who'd like to be Batman's sidekick?"

"I sure do!" said Maddie.

"You... You do?" asked West sadly as he twiddled his thumbs, "Cause I was hoping that, well, maybe you'd be my sidekick and..."

"No, that's who I meant!" said Maddie, "Me!"

"Oh," said West, "I knew that! To the batcave! There I can help you find Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Zack, Jillian, Tilly, CJ and everyone else you hold dear."

"Wait wait wait," said Maddie, "You can remember their names but not mine?"

"Of course I remember your name, Tina," said West.

"Maddie," said Maddie.

"Felicia," said West.

"MADDIE!" shouted Maddie.

"Bob," said West.

"AAAARRRGGGHH!!" screamed Maddie in frustration as she began pulling on her hair.

Much later in the Batcave, Maddie is dressed up a Robin the boy, er, I mean girl wonder. Adam West was fiddling around with the bat computer for a bit.

"So what are you doing on the bat computer, Batman?" asked Maddie, "Are you using it to deduce the possible suspects? Looking at recent criminal actions? Looking up on some police reports? Getting a message from the Commissioner?"

"Um, no. I'm getting rid of all my porn on here," said West as he Dragged and dropped a folder titled Hawt Pr0n into the recycle bin, "You are a minor after all."

"...Oh."

"But speaking of suspects," said Adam, "Did you find ANYBODY you knew?"

"None," said Maddie, "All my friends and family have gone missing. It's weird."

"Weird indeed," said West, "Do you know anybody who holds a grudge?"

"Well, there's this guy that hates my grandpa," said Maddie, "I think his name was James Woods."

"Ah, James Woods," said West, "The actor who's last name, Woods, is a homophone for Would and would is the past meaning of will which means that he will not kidnap somebody because that is of the future, but would which means that he had already done it and thus meaning that he HAS done it!"

"He would, wouldn't he?" asked Maddie.

"Woods would, indeed. There is no time to lose. Quickly, Robin!" said West as he opened a nearby door.

OPEN!

"To the Batmobile!" he continued as he and Maddie dashed to the batmobile and zoomed off.

The two sneak into James Woods' house which, for the sake of this fic, is located in Quahog and not in Hollywood so don't bother pointing that out.

"Now we find James Woods and rescue my family," asked Maddie.

"Remember to stay sharp, Robin," said West, "You're only an infant so it's best that you try to stay focused and not be distracted by any- Wait, what is this? A piece of candy!"

West and Maddie then begin following a trail of candy while eating them.

"And another," said West, "And another! And another! And another! And another!"

"GREAT GOTHAM, BATMAN! IT'S A TRAP!!" shouted Maddie, but it was too late as a large wooden crate fell over them.

"Now I've got you, Griffin!" said James Woods as he then ran to the box and opened it up a little to notice it was empty, "What the hell?"

"Looking for us?" asked West.

"Wait, you're not Griffin!" said Woods, "And how did you escape?"

"It's a good thing I always carry my box escaping spray in my utility belt," said West.

"Well let's see you escape THIS!" said Woods as he pressed a button and a five guardsmen ran into the room, "Sic 'em, boys!"

The guardsmen then run up towards Maddie and West with clubs and tasers. West ducks a taser and socks him in the kisser.

BAM!

One takes a swing at Maddie, but she jumps and kicks him in the face.

BORK!

West delivers a punch to the stomach.

ZIFF!

A guardsman tries to taser West, but West sidesteps and the guard tasers Chuck Norris(who just so happened to be there) by mistake. Chuck then gives the guard a roundhouse kick.

NORRIS'D!

Maddie then punches a guard in the nuts.

NUT CRUNCH!

After they defeat all the guards, they try to approach Woods, but he then pulls out a gun.

"Don't make me use this!" he said.

"HUMPING HOOKERS, BATMAN! REESE'S PIECES!" shouted Maddie.

"Ooh! A piece of candy!" said Woods as he bent down and was then tackled and disarmed by the dynamic duo.

"Spill it, Woods!" said West.

"Spill what?" asked Woods.

"Where's my family?" asked Maddie.

"I'LL TELL YOU NOTHING YOU LITTLE PINT SIZED PEE HAIRED BITCH!" shouted Woods.

"...Wow... Um... I guess the only way I can respond to that is by doing... um... this," said Maddie as she broke one of Woods' leg with a bat, "NOW TELL ME WHERE MY PARENTS ARE, ASSHOLE!"

"I DON'T KNOW!!" shouted Woods in pain.

"What was that? You wanted another broken leg?" asked Maddie as she broke his other leg, "YOU BETTER START TALKING!!"

"Robin, no!" said West as he took the bat away, "That is no way to interrogate somebody like Woods."

"It certainly is not," said Woods.

"Because a gun is more effective," said West as he handed Maddie a gun who pointed it to Woods' head, "Now start talking, Woods."

"Look, I don't know! I swear!" begged Woods, "I SWEAR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SHOOT!"

"I should let her shoot you here and now for having anything to with Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and thus helping an attempt at blemishing a great video game franchise," said West, "But I'm in a merciful mood, so I won't."

"Wait," said Maddie, "I remember somebody else who has a grudge against my family. Mel Gibson! My grandma told me that they tried to kill her and grandpa because of some priest movie or something."

"So he does, indeed," said West, "Then perhaps we should pay Mr. Gibson a visit."

"Yes, Mel Gibson did it!" said Woods, "Go kill him instead!"

"So what do we do about Woods, then?" asked Maddie.

"Don't worry about him," said West, "I'll let some top men handle him."

"Who?" asked Maddie.

"Top... men," said West.

We cut to a huge warehouse full of a bunch of boxes and blah blah blah. You've already seen this scene twice(Thrice if you watched Raiders of the Lost Arc) so I'm not gonna describe it in full detail. Anyway, later at Mel Gibson's Quahog home, Maddie and West are sneaking around the house.

"Let's find Gibson and make him talk," said West as he then tripped an alarm which made a cloud of smoke go out.

"Jumping jellyfish, Batman!" coughed Maddie, "It's a trap!"

"Knockout gas!" coughed West.

"Quick, Batman!" coughed Maddie, "Use your Anti knockout gas spray!"

"No good," coughed West, "can't... stay... awake... or... stop... pausing... after... every... word... that... comes... out... of... my... mouth..."

"Down I go..." said Maddie weakly as she fell unconscious.

"You're... supposed... to... pause... like... this... after... every..." said West before he too fell unconscious.

Much later, West and Maddie find themselves tied to chairs inside Mel Gibson's private screening room.

"It appears that we're trapped in a theater of some sort," said West, "No matter, I've gotten myself out of tighter spots."

"I wouldn't count on it, Mr. West!" said Gibson as he entered the room.

"Gibson!" said Maddie.

"You two shouldn't have been sneaking around in my house!" said Gibson, "And you! You're that Griffin couples' grandchild. I'm only going to ask once: Where is my film?"

"I'll never talk!" said Maddie, "...Because I don't have a damn clue."

"Alright then," said Gibson, "Maybe you'll change your mind once I force you to sit through one of my action movies."

"That doesn't sound so bad," said Maddie.

"...Apocalypto!" said Gibson.

"OH MY GOD, NOOOOO!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs.

"You'll never get away with this, Gibson!" shouted West.

"Oh I already have," said Gibson smugly, "And I have your precious utility belt so don't even think about using your anti rope spray or your anti theater gum spray or your anti movie stopping spray or your theater escaping spray or your... Anti Mel Gibson spray? What DON'T you carry in this thing?"

"Tolerance... for ignorant washed up actors like you!" said West.

"I'll see you when the movie's done," said Gibson as he turned on the movie and left the room.

"Argh! No! Urg!" strained West.

"Holy moving pictures, Batman!" strained Maddie, "The movie! It's weakening us!"

"No, Robin!" said West, "It's that this movie is on so many levels of suckage that it's making us sick to our stomachs!"

"Oh the horror!" said Maddie.

Will Batman and Robin be able to escape Mel Gibson's theater and save themselves from the ever agonizing Apocolypto? And what about Robin? Will she ever see her family again? And will she even live to be able to ever see her family again? Find out when you tune in next time on Family Guy... RIGHT NOW!

"Without my utility belt, we're doomed!" said West.

"Maybe not!" said Maddie as she was struggling, "I'm almost free!"

"How dare you defy me!" said West, "Now sit still and be doomed with me!"

"Holy PG-13 expletive, Batman! I'm free!" said Maddie as her ropes fell.

"Good, now untie me!" said West as Maddie then untied him. West then ran to the projection booth and smashed up the projector, "That was a close one."

"Awful," said Maddie, "Gibson's depiction of Mayan civilization is just downright shameful!"

"We'll worry about that later," said West, "Gibson will be coming back any moment. Shh! Here he comes!"

Mel Gibson then opens the door to his private theater.

"So are you gonna talk or- GAH!" he shouted as Maddie and West grabbed him.

"No, you'll be the one to talk, so start talking," said West.

"About what?" asked Gibson.

"I dunno. Uh...," thought West, "What's your shoe size? What's your favorite color? Do you like evening strolls in the park? Now answer!"

"No, we have to ask him something important!" said Maddie, "Where's my family?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said Gibson.

"Remember in Lethal Weapon where you played a suicidal cop?" asked Maddie.

"What about it?" asked Gibson.

"Well I want to help," said Maddie as she pointed a gun.

"LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" begged Gibson.

"Man, he doesn't know anything either!" said Maddie.

"Anyone else you know?" asked West.

"Well, there's Ernie the giant chicken," said Maddie, "Then there's Lobster and then my great grandpa, but they're gone too!"

"That's odd indeed," said West, "Let's go, Robin."

Later, Maddie and West in the Batmobile wearing their civilian clothing. West then notices that Maddie is a little sad.

"Why the long face, Kelly?" asked West, "Did you see how we nabbed those bad guys?"

"All that work and we didn't find my family," said Maddie, "Mr. West, I'm scared."

"Don't worry, Tanya," said West, "We'll find your family. I promise."

"But what if we don't?" asked Maddie as she began to cry, "What if I never see them again? I'll miss mom and dad and Stewie and Uncle Chris and Aunt Jillian and Tilly and CJ and grandma and grandpa... yes I'd even miss butt chin. And today's my birthday."

"Your birthday?" asked West.

"I don't want presents anymore," said Maddie, "I just want my family back."

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!" said West as he parked the car in front of Chuckie Cheese's.

"I don't feel like going here," said Maddie.

"Oh I'm sure you'll love it!" said West, "There's a giant rat in there."

Maddie and Wet walked into the Chuckie Cheese's and to their surprise it was dark. Suddenly, the lights came on and there was Maddie's family and friends.

"SURPRISE!" everybody shouts as confetti fell from the ceiling.

"Happy Birthday, Maddie!" said Meg.

"Mom! Dad!" said Maddie as she ran to Zack and Meg. Her parents hug her back as her eyes are filled with seemingly endless tears.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Meg in confusion, "Don't you like the surprise?"

"Yeah, what's the matter, squirt?" asked Zack, "Don't you like all the presents?"

"Who cares about the presents?" cried Maddie, "I thought you were all kidnapped and we went through town looking for you and-"

"It's okay, sweetie," said Meg, "I guess we did TOO good of a job hiding."

"Well, if you don't want the presents, I'm sure there are some very needy children who do," said Lois.

"You wish!" said Maddie, "Those kids are so selfish anyway! Always needing things!"

"That's my grandkid!" said Peter proudly.

"So did you have fun with Batman?" asked Meg.

"I sure did- Wait, how did you know?" asked Maddie.

"It was part of the surprise!" said Brian.

"Yeah, Adam West agreed to take you on an adventure for your birthday!" said Stewie.

"Oh, so this was all set up!" said Maddie.

"That's right, Melissa!" said West, "Happy Birthday!"

"Awesome!" said Maddie, "I also liked how you let Mel Gibson and James Wood in on it."

"Um... We didn't tell those guys anything," said Peter.

"...Uh oh..." said Maddie.

Suddenly, a beaten up James Woods and Mel Gibson burst through the door along with Joe Swanson.

"There they are officer!" said Gibson.

"Arrest that baby and that madman you call a mayor!" said Woods.

"Maddie, would you care to explain?" asked Joe.

"What's going on, Maddie?" asked Meg as she crossed her arms.

Maddie then began to start fake crying.

"THEY TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY!" she sobbed.

"They WHAT?!" shouted Zack.

"YOU SICK PERVERTED BASTARDS!" shouted Meg angrily, "YOU'RE THE ONES WHO NEED TO BE ARRESTED! NOT HER!"

"What?" asked Gibson, "But she's lying!"

"She's faking it!" shouted Woods, "SHE BROKE MY FREAKING LEGS WITH A BAT!!"

"Tell it to the judge!" said Joe as he cuffed them and escorted them of the area, "You children touchers make me sick! Don't forget to save me some cake."

"Speaking of which, does anybody want cake?" asked Mrs. Lockheart as she held the cake... which was also pressed onto her, um, rather large chest.

"...Yes, please!" said Peter as he and all the other men stared, "And I want to lick the frosting..."

"Do you want to stay for the party, Mr. West?" asked Lois.

"Please?" asked Maddie.

"I'm sorry Maddie, but I have to go," said West, "For crime does not take a vacation and as such, heroes can't either."

"Thank you for bringing my daughter back," said Meg.

"It was my pleasure, Meg," said West, "And Carmen, I bid you farewell and a Happy Batman Birthday!"

"Goodbye, Mr. West," said Maddie as she waved goodbye to Adam West.

West then runs out of the Chuckie Cheese's and into the Batmobile. He then revs up his car and prepares to drive off into the sunset... But crashes right through the wall of the restaurant, shocking all of the guests.

"Okay, that was a bad idea," said West as he hopped out of the car, "Well as long as I'm here, can Stacey and I play in the ball pit?"

End Chapter.