Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the dialogue - they belong to the wonderful Julie Kagawa. I'm just playing with them a little bit ;)
Leaving is the Hardest Thing
"We have to go after the scepter," Meghan says, turning to Puck and I roll my eyes. Of course she'd take any opportunity to stay here despite the dangers she faces. "Ash can't do it by himself," really? Is that really what she thinks, that I can't do this alone? "We can help-"
"No, you can't," I interrupt her little speech. I can't believe I'm going to tell her this because it's not going to end well. But, if it stops her from following me… "Not this time. You'd be no use to me, Meghan, not with your magic sealed-" the shocked look on both Meghan and Goodfellow's faces makes me stop, my stomach twisting with guilt. Puck gathers himself first and steps forward, his eyes glinting dangerously.
"Sealed? You put a binding on her?"
"I didn't," honestly, does he think that little of me? "Mab did. When she first came to Winter. Mab was afraid her power would be too great, so she sealed her magic to protect the court." Not that I agreed with her – I'd seen first hand how little knowledge Meghan has of her powers. One day, yes, they would be great but only if she practised and honed her skills and, if I get my way, she'll go back to the human world, far away from all of this.
"And you knew!" Meghan says. Here it comes. "You knew about the seal, and you didn't bother to tell me." I force nonchalance and shrug my shoulders, even though guilt is making my stomach churn.
"Mab ordered us not to. Besides, what difference would it make? I can't do anything about it." Meghan turns to face Puck again and that's like a knife to the stomach because I've let her down. In so many ways, I've let her down and hid things from her. I did it to protect her as best I could, but I've still kept important things from her. Goodfellow hasn't, not really. And the look he's giving me right now tells me he knows it – and he's relishing the fact.
"Can you break it?" Meghan asks Puck.
"Sorry Princess. Only Mab or someone of equal power, can remove a binding once it's been placed. That makes your choice Oberon, or Mab herself."
"All the more reason for you to get to Summer," I say, pushing myself off the pillar I've been leaning against, wincing as I pull at my injuries. One look at Meghan's face tells me that I've left a visible…mark on the pillar.
"Where are you going?" Meghan asks, worry clouding her voice and some of the guilt I feel disappears slightly. Maybe she doesn't hate me quite as much as I thought she did, if she's worried that I won't come back. I shouldn't even be thinking like that – she needs to leave and go to Summer at the very least. I sheathe my sword, keeping my eyes on the floor to avoid looking at her. If I look at her right now, what's left of my very fragile willpower will shatter and I'll never be able to leave her.
"There's a spring a few yards behind this tower," I tell her as I make my way towards the door. "Unless either of you object, I'm going to bathe." I really needed to do something about my leg at the very least and the water should help soothe it slightly.
"But you're coming back, right?" No. Tell her no – say goodbye now and let Goodfellow take over. You have bigger things to be worrying about than the half-human Summer Princess. I sigh.
"I'm not going anywhere tonight," I'm an idiot. An actual idiot. I gesture towards the back wall. "There's a trunk with blankets and supplies in that corner. Make yourselves comfortable. I think we're all going to be spending the night here." Yipee. I force myself to walk out of the door and I'm glad to see I've still got some level of control left in me as I head towards the spring. I quickly shed my clothes and boots and ease myself into the frigid water, wincing as my open wounds sting as I sink down. I lean my head against the rocks and close my eyes. Being here is hard, much harder than I thought it would be. Being here with Ariella's look-a-like is ten thousand times harder.
Since I've already proved that my self-control is at an all time low, I finally let my thoughts head back to the tavern room. To that last, tantalising kiss that will haunt me for the rest of my days. When Ariella died, I swore that I would never love again, because the consequences of having that love, even for a brief time, is too painful. And then Meghan arrived. And I let her in because it was too difficult to refuse her. And now, not only am I paying the price but Meghan is too. She didn't know any better than to fall in love with me – humans are well known for their intense emotions. But I know better and now I have to watch Meghan suffer the consequences of my actions. And she doesn't deserve that. Neither of my loves deserved what happened to them.
I open my eyes and look out over the dark, snow covered landscape. My home, the place that I know better than anything in this world, is now closed off to me. Because I fell in love. I think back on my answer to the bar tender's question earlier. Is she worth it? Despite everything that's happened today, I wouldn't change anything. Not a single thing – and that thought scares me slightly. I pull myself from the water and quickly dress again, knowing the water will have helped my injuries from the battle earlier. I steel myself at the door of the cottage, preparing myself for Meghan's pleas for me to stay, or to at least take me with her. What I actually walk in on, is something that I could have never imagined. As I cross the threshold, my eyes immediately find Meghan…and Puck. Their foreheads pressed together as Puck leans even closer to Meghan, their lips millimetres from touching. I don't know if Meghan has heard me come in, but she pulls away and, while that should improve the hollow feeling in my stomach, the look of shock on her face tells me everything. I close myself off to them both in a last ditch attempt to hide how much seeing them like that hurt, but I know that Meghan caught it. Puck turns, following Meghan's gaze.
"Oh hey prince," he says casually. "I forgot you were here. Sorry 'bout that." Yeah right. He didn't forget I was here and we both know it. In the same way we both know how Meghan and I feel about each other. I can feel Meghan's gaze but I ignore her. I can't talk to her, not after what's just happened. I might be…cold sometimes, but that doesn't mean things like that don't hurt me at all. Speaking of being cold, my next words to Goodfellow are like ice shards.
"I want you gone by morning. I want you out of my territory, you and the princess both. According to the law, I could kill you where you stand for trespassing. If I see either of you in Tir Na Nog again, I won't be so lenient."
"Jeez, don't get your panties in a twist, Your Highness. We'll be happy to leave, right princess?"
"Yeah," Meghan whispers and my heart twists at how forlorn she sounds. I know, deep down, that she loves me and what almost happened with Puck was probably – no definitely – not her doing. Either way, it's time for me to make my intentions clear. They need to go. Now. Before I do something really idiotic like go back on my word and take her with me. I catch her eye briefly and I have to fight to keep the cold, stoic mask on my face. I look away, concentrating on the dead iron fey that are in piles around the room. Working quickly, I move them outside, slipping into the mindset that I usually have when I'm in the palace – a state of not feeling pain or hurt – just focusing on the task at hand. When that was done, we all sat in silence for a while before I couldn't take being in the same room as Meghan and not even looking at her anymore. I stand abruptly, telling them that I was going to scout around and made my exit. I walk quickly towards the forest and lean against a tree, letting the cool night breeze ruffle my hair.
I know that I could very well walk back in there to find Puck and Meghan going for it but, somehow, I know that I won't. Meghan seemed genuinely shocked at what happened, like she wasn't expecting it and, you can say what you want about Goodfellow, he knows when to push and when to not. He's pushed enough for one night, he's not quite stupid enough to do it again. I don't know how long I stayed out there but, when I eventually gathered myself together and went back in, both Meghan and Puck were asleep. At least, Puck was going from the snores emanating from his general direction. Meghan was just a lump underneath the blankets, so it was hard to tell whether she was awake or not. A part of me hoped she was asleep, so that I could just leave without having to say goodbye to her. I'm that much of a coward. I stand in the middle of the room, toying with the idea of going over to Meghan and waking her up and just leaving right now, but I'm distracted by a hazy light coming from behind me. I swallow against the lump in my throat as I slowly turn around to face what's happening behind me. Small glowing lights started to form together, creating the image of Ariella, as she was the last time she was here. I watch her for a moment as she dances over the flowers as if she didn't have a care in the world, before I have to close my eyes to the scene in front of me. I stand there like that, knowing she's in front of me and, finally, I open my eyes again, looking right into her face as she reaches for me. The happiness and life emanating just from this illusion is heartbreaking.
"Is that…Ariella?" I turn around so fast that I might have pulled a muscle. Dammit, of course Meghan's not asleep. Of course she had to see this – this one moment that I have left, that I can come and watch if I choose to do so. Not that that happens as much anymore, but once upon a time, I was here almost every night if I wasn't drinking myself into a stupor. I can't stop her now – there's no point. I sigh and turn away again, following Ariella's memory as she continues to dance around me.
"No. It isn't. Not in the way you think."
"Her ghost?" I shake my head.
"Not even that. There is no afterlife for us. We have no souls with which to haunt the world. This is…just a memory. She was always happy here. The flowers…remember." Meghan is silent for a moment and I'm glad. I'm glad she understands that I can't…won't talk about this anymore than I have to. We stand there in silence, watching my old love dance and smile in a way that she will never do again. Eventually, I manage to tell her what she needs to know.
"I'm leaving," I tell her quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace that has descended upon us. I turn to face her, stunned to find tears already streaking down her face though I don't know why. She didn't know Ariella and she knows I'm leaving her with Goodfellow, so why would she be crying so much? A few tears I expected but this? I force myself to continue. "Have Goodfellow take you home. It isn't safe here any longer."
"I won't see you again, will I?" She whispers and I shake my head once.
"I wasn't fair to you," I tell her. "I knew the laws, better than anyone. I knew it would end…like this. I ignored my better judgment, and for that, I'm sorry. But, after tonight, we'll be enemies. Your father and my queen will be at war. If I see you again, I might kill you." My eyes narrow, and my voice turns cold. She needs to understand this. She needs to know what will happen if she comes looking for me. "For real this time, Meghan." I turn so that out of one eye I can see Ariella and out of the other I can see Meghan. Two beautiful girls that had the misfortune to fall in love with me. I couldn't save one – but I can save the other. "Go home princess," I murmur. "Go home, and forget. You don't belong here." You don't belong with me I add in my head. This time, I do walk out of the door and I don't look back, despite my heart clenching as the sound of Meghan quietly sobbing floats out of the otherwise quiet cottage. Still, I don't look back and I don't stop. Leaving her behind will always be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, but, if it saves her from sharing Ariella's fate, I will suffer this. At least this way, she will get to live her life and, I can watch from the side lines. It's not what I want, but at least she'll be alive. And right now, that's all that matters to me.
I'm not dead! Shocker, I know! I hope you like this one - it's a little short but it's been a while since I've done one of these so I'm easing myself back into it. Let me know what you think guys xxx
