Chapter Eleven

Calleigh feels Arianna still beneath the hand she has placed on Xavier, the very slight movement of her chest now gone. She senses the doctor behind her and turns to watch him switch off the monitors, for the first time noticing they had been silenced long before so the alarms would not disturb them. He confirms she has gone before he notes the time and motions to the nurse to remove the tubes and wires from Arianna. Calleigh lifts Xavier so they can do so before settling him back on her chest once they are done. The doctor places a hand on Eric's shoulder with a grave "I truly am sorry for your loss" before he turns and leaves the room, the nurse following him out, "we'll give you some time alone" said over her shoulder.

Eric knows the moment Arianna has passed. Even if he had not been holding her hand and felt her grip relax within his own he would have known she was gone, he felt it in his heart, sensed she was no longer part of his world. He thought he was all cried out, that there would be no more tears when she finally went, but he was wrong. A silent stream of tears slide unheeded down his cheeks. If he was with anyone else he would have hidden them, but not with Calleigh, he doesn't want to hide anything from her and he knows he doesn't have to, he is not ashamed for her to see him cry. The presence of the nurse and doctor go completely unnoticed by him, as do the doctor's grip on his shoulder and their words as they leave the room, it is only Calleigh's warm hand placed on his arm that draw his eyes up from where they have been staring at his legs, his tears dripping dark splotches onto his jeans.

The sight of him quietly breaking before her is too much for her. She does not realise she is crying as well until he reaches out and softly wipes her own tears away.

"Oh baby" is all she can manage. She goes to him, sliding from her chair to his lap, his arms reaching around her and pulling her closer. She wraps her own arms around him and buries her face in his neck, her tears sliding along his skin and down onto his shirt. He places a gentle kiss to her hair before resting his head on hers, his own tears falling into her blonde locks.

For a long time they sit like that, lost in their embrace allowing their grief to wash over them. They are not the violent sobs of earlier, but simply almost silent tears, continuously falling from both of them. They take their comfort from each other, holding tightly to the other, their bodies pressed as firmly together as possible. Eventually their tears subside, Eric is surprised when he realises his tears end long before Calleigh's. Calleigh hardly ever cries, not that she ever lets anyone see anyway. While he is sorry that he is partly responsible for her current tears, having bought this all into her life, he is quietly happy that she is allowing him to see her like this, allowing herself to let go and cry not just in front of him but in his arms, her actions telling him more than her words ever could. He gently rubs soothing circles on her back, his other hand stroking through her hair. She snuggles in tighter; he doesn't even think that is possible, squeezing him tightly before mimicking his actions on his back with both her hands. Placing a light kiss on his neck she shifts to look up at him, the sight of her red eyes brimming with unshed tears causing a few of his own to slip out and roll down his cheeks. She leans up and kisses them away before settling back into his embrace, not wanting to give up the comfort she feels in his arms. He is glad she doesn't move, he wouldn't have let her go if she had tried.

They continue to sit entwined together until a soft knocking draws their attention to the door. The nurse enters the room and softly tells them it is time to take Arianna. They look at her in astonishment as they realise it has been over an hour since she has passed. Eric reaches out and grabs Arianna's hand, he is not ready for them to take her, but Calleigh reaches and places her hand between theirs, palm up and their fingers laced together before pulling his hand back to her body, cradling their joined hands against her chest.

"You have to let her go Eric. It's time" she tells him before placing soft kisses against his jaw. She feels him nod against her, the stubble on his face grazing her cheek, but the shuddering of his chest tells her how hard this is for him. The nurse motions for the two orderlies in the hall to come in before reaching over the bed and picking up a now sleeping Xavier. She looks at the couple sitting together, the question in her eyes answered when Calleigh nods her head and motions with their entwined hands for her to bring the baby to them.

The nurse hands her the baby and she breaks her hold on Eric to lay him against her chest before again taking Eric's hand in her own and resting them on the baby's back. Her actions draw his attention to the baby in her arms and she is grateful for this as the orderlies silently wheel the bed out of the room almost unnoticed by him. The nurse comes to their side, placing a hand on each of their shoulders until they both look up at her.

"This room is yours for the time being, definitely for the rest of the night. We have a few spare rooms at the moment so we are hoping we will be able to keep it aside for you until Xavier is ready to go home in a couple of days. Is there anything we can bring you to make you more comfortable? Did you want a bed bought back in?"

"No" they both answer quickly. "The armchairs are fine" Eric finishes. "Thanks" Calleigh adds with a small smile. With a nod of her head the nurse goes to the door, pausing before she exists,

"Don't hesitate to ask for anything you need. We are all here for you."

They sit together silently, their thoughts wandering but still very much focused on each other and the child in their arms until Calleigh feels Eric wriggle beneath her, the uncomfortable chair finally getting too much to bear. Even so, he still resists Calleigh's attempts to move, holding her firmly in his lap for another five minutes until she pulls free and stands, walking around the room with the sleeping baby in her arms. He stands also, his legs buckling slightly as the feeling returns. He paces around, willing the shooting pains to stop. Eventually they do and he walks up behind Calleigh, pulling her back firmly against his chest, his arms tightening around her middle. He looks over her shoulder at the sleeping child still snuggled against her chest before his eyes wander over to the large empty space in front of them. The place Arianna's bed had been before but was now tragically bare and he feels the overwhelming loss build up.

"She's really gone. She's left me, left us" he chokes out, raising one hand from her waist to rest with hers on the baby's back.

"I know baby. I'm so sorry. It's not fair."

"No it's not. She should still be h..here.. holding her s..." he stops his voice breaking, his arm falling back to her waist, pulling her even tighter against him. She feels his sobs and tries to turn in his arms but he keeps them firmly around her waist, holding her in place, not loosening even slightly to let her turn. So instead she turns just her head and places gentle kisses on his cheek, resting her head against his, closing her eyes and just standing with him, allowing him to cry against her. Xavier starts to wriggle slightly in her arms and she knows he will wake soon, she strokes her fingers along his spine lulling him back into a deeper slumber, buying Eric a little more time to grieve.

Finally she feels him still against her back, his breath warm against her cheek, slowing and evening out. His hand once again rises to the baby's back, covering her own, his fingers joining hers as they trace across the soft cotton of the romper.

"She's really gone and it's just us now. We are all he has. We're on our own. Just the three of us."

He feels her tense against him and mentally kicks himself. He knows she is still struggling with accepting a role in Xavier's life and he doesn't want to push her, but with everything that has happened and his lack of sleep, his mouth is moving faster than his brain and it just slips out. But he is mad too, can't she see what a gift this child is and how great she already is with him, how she could be the perfect mother for him. Sure he would give anything to change what has happened and not have to step up and become Xavier's fulltime papi, because that would mean Arianna would still be with them and not dead. But he would not change Xavier for the world and is proud to be his papi. He just wishes Calleigh would get over all the crap she is fighting and step up with him. He wants her by his side as he raises this little boy, not because it would make it easier on him to have someone but because she is perfect and already more of a mother than most women he knows and not only does she deserve to have this wonderful little boy in her life, but Xavier deserves nothing less than her. Eric knows that he will never find anyone other than Calleigh, no one else will ever measure up and he will not accept anything less for himself or Xavier.

Calleigh tenses at Eric's words. She quickly tries to hide it but she knows he has felt it. It's not that she doesn't want to be in Xavier's life, it's that she knows she will mess it up and hurt him, in her eyes its inevitable. While Arianna was still holding on she could push the doubts aside by focusing on her and what she was going through, what she was losing, but Eric's words make her realise that with Arianna now gone, it is time for Calleigh to step up beside Eric and it panics her. She feels first the regret coming from Eric at his words but it quickly changes to anger. She doesn't blame him, her fears have caused them heartache before, been the reason for so much lost time between them, her biggest regret in life. She will do anything to not have this conversation with him now, he has just lost someone important to him, and he doesn't need to battle her demons and fears as well. She feels him taking deep breaths, attempting to quash his anger, his arms tightening painfully around her. He loosens them immediately at the sound of her gasp.

"Sorry" he mutters into her hair.

"That's fine."

"No, it's not. I hurt you. I never want to hurt you. It's just..."

"I know and I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like this. I'm scared. I love you so much. And Xavier ...he's not a bad thing but...he's...what if..." she stumbles, finding it hard to put her thoughts into words. At the feel of a soft kiss pressed to the back of her head she finds the strength to continue, only to be interrupted by a loud squawk from the baby in her arms.

He feels her relax in his arms, her relief at the interruption evident. He chuckles into her hair.

"Saved by the baby. Perfect timing there little man."

"No Eric. I want to have this conversation with you. I want so much to do the right thing here, I'm just struggling to figure out exactly what that is."

Sighing he pulls away from her, Xavier's protests getting louder by the minute. He heads for the door. "I'll go see about a bottle" he tells her, pausing with a hand on the door to turn and look at her. "We'll finish this later."

She doesn't answer, merely nods her head and offers him a small smile. As he starts to turn back she motions towards the Thermos and with a chuckle he picks it up, looking sadly at the soggy sandwiches and stale muffins, his stomach grumbling longingly even at their sorry state. She grins at the noise and follows his eyes.

"Why don't you see what you can find us to eat? Probably not much at this time of night but there must be something better than that."

"Sure, I'll be back soon" he replies as he leaves the room. She starts to walk around the room again, stretching her legs and attempting to calm her nerves. Xavier's crying settles with her movements, but he continues to wriggle and softly voice his protests at having to wait so long for his bottle. The feel of the baby in her arms is so right it scares her and the way she has fallen straight back into it with Eric, even though it is exactly what she wanted, alarms her. Here they are, having only each other to lean on and she can feel herself getting deeper and deeper drawn in and she is still not sure if she is even capable of being what Eric and Xavier need. Watching what Eric is going through losing Arianna is heartbreaking and she cannot bear the thought of causing the same pain in him if she was to settle in with them only to find she isn't cut out for the whole family thing and have to leave them. Wouldn't it be better to leave them now before she has the chance to mess it up, before Xavier bonds with her and she gets in any deeper with Eric and then her leaving them will hurt them even more? Before her leaving will hurt her, break her heart?

At a soft sigh from the baby in her arms she looks down at him and finds herself completely lost in the big brown eyes staring back at her and she realises she is already in too deep. If she was to leave now her heart wouldn't just break, it would shatter, not to mention what it would do to Eric if she were to walk out now. But it is not her and Eric she needs to consider, it's Xavier. She was ready to try again with Eric and risk her heart once more, although she was hoping there would be no risk involved, they had both grown a lot over the last year, but Xavier changes it all. She is not sure if she has what it takes to be a mother to him, and that is what she would be if she stayed with them. And what if she does stay and try and it doesn't work out, it would kill her to leave Eric but they are adults and would be going in to this with their eyes open, Xavier is an innocent child who would suffer just because she is too selfish to walk away now before she messes it up. But what if she doesn't mess it up? What if, with Eric by her side, she is able to overcome her fears and misgivings and love them both wholeheartedly and be the partner and mother they deserve? Doesn't she finally deserve the chance to make it happen?

A noise at the door causes her to turn, bouncing a very upset baby in her arms, attempting to settle his cries. Expecting Eric or a nurse to bring her a bottle she is surprised when instead a girl of no more than twelve skips in, the baby's bottle in her hand.

"Hey, I'm Emmy. They asked me to give this to you" she sings, offering the bottle to a slightly shocked Calleigh.

"Where did you come from? It's what, two in the morning. Why are you running around a hospital at this time of night?" she finally responds accepting the bottle from the girl's outstretched hand.

"Oh, my mom's having a baby. She's in a room down the hall. I went for a walk cause we've been here for hours and they said it will still be ages yet."

"Should you be wandering around like this?" she asks, patting the back of the howling baby.

"Yeah. I'm fine'" she replies, ignoring the child's wails. "This is like the fourth time I've stayed with my mom. I'm the oldest of seven, soon eight and cause I'm the oldest she lets me come with her now. I didn't like it the first time, it was gross, but now I love being here. I get a bit bored with the waiting though and so I go for walks around the ward. The nurses give me jobs to do to keep me busy and out of their hair. Nurse Rogers is my favourite. She reminds me of my nanna, and she always has special treats for me. She's the one who sent me in here. She has your husband at the desk signing some paperwork. He said to tell you he would be in soon. Nurse Rogers said she bought some extra spaghetti in with her tonight that she is gonna take him to the staff room to get once they are done with the paperwork, or something like that. He was arguing with her about the food, but she told him to stop being stubborn and let her help him, she's happy to do it. She's funny Nurse Rogers, a bit bossy sometimes but she always looks out for me when we're here. Hey, you're not doing that right. He won't feed if you do it like that. Here let me show you. He your first I guess? He's all worked up, must have left him too long to give him the bottle. Here just squeeze a bit of the milk on his lips and see if he'll start drinking. No, lift his head back up a bit; you've got him at a funny angle. Here let me show you."

Calleigh just stares at the girl through her monologue, unable to keep up with her bouncing energy she is slow to process what she is saying and the girl almost has Xavier out of her arms before Calleigh realises what is going on.

"No, don't take him...just show me...tell me what to do...he's not been like this before...what do I do?" she pleads, pulling the screaming baby tighter against her, desperately trying to calm him as she offers him the bottle.

"Sure" the girl replies "here sit in this chair. Now just squeeze some of the milk out onto his lips. No, stop, just a couple of drops. He'll lick it and then should search for the bottle. There you go, he's sucking a bit now."

"Yeah, but listen to him, he's still complaining. He's wriggling and pushing the bottle away. He's not happy. What's wrong with him?" she begs, getting flustered as everything she tries doesn't help. Xavier is getting more worked up by the second, his little body hot and sweaty as his sobs tear at her heart.

"They normally just eat and sleep when they're this little. He sure is upset about something. Try rocking him a bit and keep offering the bottle."

"That's making him worse" she cries as Xavier's protests once again become unbearably loud. "Hush Xavier" she pleads "I'm trying. I don't know what you want."

"Hey, don't worry; he's just out of sorts. We'll settle him."

"No, clearly I can't. He doesn't want me; I don't know what I'm doing. Here, you take him" she all but pushes the child into the young girl's arms.

"Hey, wait ma'am" the girl protests, panicking at the woman having a meltdown in front of her.

"No, you're fine. Look, he's already quietening down with you. I'll send his dad right in."

"He's not quietening, he has the hiccups" the girl proclaims. "Here, you take him back, I'll go get your husband for you" she says, trying to hand the baby back to Calleigh.

Calleigh puts her hands up, not letting the girl get close.

"No, I can't do this, I'm sorry" she whispers as she runs for the door, but she doesn't get far, Eric is standing there, blocking her exit.

He could hear Xavier's cries as he headed back to the room, two steaming plates of Spaghetti in his hands, thermos under his arm. He hurried to get to the door, dumping the plates on the nurse's desk as he passed so he could get in the room quicker. Something wasn't right in there, he had a horrible feeling and Xavier's cries were making it worse. As he got to the door he could hear Calleigh's panicked voice and that of the young girl, pleading with her. He rushed to open the door, catching Calleigh's last words as she runs to exit the room. He looks straight to her face, the desperation and fear in her eyes chilling him, and the panic he sees on her face spreads to his own.

"Calleigh, don't" he pleads.

"Don't what Eric" she retorts, and before he knows it her mask is back up, her features composed and clear, and that frightens him more than the panic. He can see what she is doing, she is hiding it from him, putting her walls back up, getting ready to run.

"Don't hide from me. Don't run"

"What don't you want me to hide? The fact I am way out of my depth. Have no idea what I am doing. Can't even calm a brand new baby who is only interested in food and sleep? Or the fact that a twelve year old girl has managed to do in two minutes what I couldn't do in twenty?" she finishes with a sad laugh as they both look at the girl in question holding a now quiet Xavier, happily suckling on his bottle. Sensing their eyes on her, she looks up and smiles.

"Hey, he seems to be ok now. Oh and he needs a new diaper, this one is really wet."

"Or the fact I didn't even think to check his diaper. Probably the most basic thing that would have just saved him half an hour of distress" she whispers, her eyes now eerily blank.

"I'm sorry Eric. I'm not cut out for this. I don't think I can do it" she breathes as she runs out the door, a sob echoing after her into the silent room.