23:35 – Tuesday, January 17th 2012
To: anonymous (at) world academy w . edu
From: your lucky (at) world academy w . edu
Message:
…Dude, you're totally a junior. I think it's hilarious/adorable how you're still trying to pretend you aren't.
I also used my amazing powers of deduction to figure out that you're probably a native English speaker, probably British, and you're totally bffs with Elizaveta. How's THAT for playing the detective game! I guess, what I'm trying to say is: bring it, Sherlock.
Speaking of gay (lol Get it! 'Cause Sherlock and Watson are so gay!) I know you're not doing the "gentleman" thing to get the girls, so don't pretend it's like part of your "game" or something. I don't think trying to be a gentleman is so bad (actually I'd like to see how it works in the 21st century), I just meant it's pretty gay to go around calling yourself that.
BUT before you get all indignant on me: that's just what I thought at first. But after I wrote it and then read your reply, I thought about it – and I realized two things.
1. You obviously don't go around calling yourself a gentleman in real life otherwise I would have heard people ripping the hell out of "that guy who calls himself a gentleman." So actually, you're not being gay in the lame way, after all. It's just one of those secret things you only tell me (*proud face*), so I'm sorry for betraying your trust like that and making fun of you. I feel like a dick.
And then I thought: maybe you're like me. The codename you chose is something you aspire to be, but you think people would tease you if you said it out loud, so you keep it a secret. Even though it's something that influences you a lot.
So I'm sorry for being a hypocrite, too. For calling you gay in the lame way, when actually I do the same thing you do. I just didn't realize at first because you use a different word to me. But "gentleman" or "hero" – it's all the same. It doesn't matter what it is, it's something that we both work for to try and make us the people we want to be. (The people Alfred and Arthur might actually like?)
So I guess now would be a good time to explain my 'hero' codename. (I'd assume you would get pissed off at me for deviating from the chronological order of the email, but you did it first, so obviously it's fine.)
My hero obsession isn't about the celebrity heroes. I admit that it used to be, back in freshman year and junior high. And before that it was superheroes. I've always had a fascination with heroes, I guess. They're just…well they're the best people aren't they? HEROES. What's better than that? I always wanted to be a hero. I'm sure everyone does, but I was really determined. I actively tried. A lot. My parents have so many stories…
Superhero would be my first choice, because then you get to save the day over and over AND have awesome powers. I gotta admit, I still hold out some hope of getting into a radioactive accident one day and mutating some super strength or the ability to fly. Or both! *fingers crossed*
But by junior high I started to realize that while I wait around to have my fateful run in with some nuclear waste, celebrities were the next best thing. Looking back, I feel dumb, but it's not that strange I guess. Everyone loves actors. We confuse them for the people they play on screen, and because they're chosen to be those amazing roles we think they must be awesome people themselves. But really it's just their job. I see that now. It's easy to think they're different when they're the people we read about, and hear about, and talk about like they're mythical creatures, above us mere mortals. It's kinda fascinating and sad, don't you think? Why is our culture like that? It's so weird.
So junior high I put the superhero thing on the top shelf, and tried to make myself a hero through popularity. I was convinced I already was a hero, or at least "hero material" – I just needed everyone else to acknowledge it. I.e. become famous. Just at school for now, but one day as a big time Hollywood actor or a sports legend or something, with the whole world adoring me. Like Superman, but without the powers. Although I fully intended to rescue some kids from a burning building one day and be a hero AND a celebrity. That would be awesome.
As I worked on the popularity thing I began to lose sight of the difference between a real hero and a school hero. I forgot that being a hero, in the real sense of the word, meant doing something of value. Superheroes were famous, so I thought being a celebrity was the same thing. And I found popularity easy for me, so I thought it meant I was a natural born hero. People liked me, I was great at sports, I sat with the cool kids at lunch…and I went around calling myself a hero because of that. Classic example of gay in the lame way. God, what an idiot I was! But everyone seemed to think it was funny and they joined in calling me a hero. It was my 'thing.' So I believed it was true.
But then someone important to me, someone whose opinion I really valued, gave me a metaphorical slap in the face. I was pissed off at first, but after thinking about what he said, I realized how stupid I had been acting.
He made me realize celebrities aren't real heroes. Or rather, he made me remember. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I think he was so hard on me because he knew I was smarter than to fall for the celebrity worship like everyone else – and maybe he thought I had the potential to be a proper hero. Anyway, he helped me get back on the right track. (Other people had told me all this stuff before, but when it came from this guy, I kind of took a bit more notice.)
Because maybe popularity makes you a cultural icon, but that's not the kind of hero I want to be. I wanted to be someone who actually did something worthwhile/awesome. Whether it was actively saving lives or just working to make the world a better place day by day, that's what a real hero is all about. It was about that time I also began to realize that superheroes aren't the only worthwhile kind of heroes out there. It's easy to think they're the only heroes that matter because their brand of heroics is so obvious. They stop evil and save lives. But there's hundreds of ways to be a hero in everyday life. It's not exaggerated, idealistic comic book style heroics, but it makes a difference to people in real life, which is always worth working for. I'd never been satisfied with my options before, and the idea of having to face a future in boring reality, with no superpowers where I couldn't help anyone. But after that lecture I began to see what kind of a difference I could make to people's lives with what I already had to offer, and realized the real world might not be so bad after all.
So ever since then, I stopped really caring about being popular. Which is why I can watch Alfred's golden circle lifestyle the way I do. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that I wanted it and now I don't.
So I try and live a real hero's life these days. It's kind of small-time stuff for now (I'm a part-time hero? Is that a thing?) but when I get out of world academy, and finish college…Well, I don't know. But I want to work for people. Every effort I make is going to help someone. Everyday will be full and tiring and I'll go to bed satisfied knowing I've made a difference to another human being. What more could I do with my life than helping people, you know? There's nothing more worthwhile than that. Even if you don't know the person, and you forget about it, they won't forget the time someone helped them when they were in need, and maybe they can pass it on.
I don't know what I should be, though. A cop or a firefighter or a scientist or a doctor or a (non corrupt) politician or a lawyer…I can't wait to find something, though! I'm excited for my future.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I mean, apart from a gentleman. You're great at that already – keeping my secrets and stuff like this. And even though you don't seem to get along with Alfred too well I'm sure he'd think so too, if all that first impressions prejudice stuff didn't get in the way.
Speaking of, I mean I'm not so close with Alfred, but I don't want you to think that he hates you. It seems like you believe that because you got off on the wrong foot he has some grudge against you. But I doubt it, dude. You seem so nice, why would he still dislike you just because you got cranky at him when you first met? Also, he just seems like an easy-going guy in general, so I don't think he could manage to hold a grudge that long.
I just really hate to imagine you feeling down all these years because you think the guy you like hates you. I mean maybe Alfred doesn't like you back like that, but I really really don't like the thought of you letting yourself believe that he hates you. Nobody could hate you. Even though you think you think you're aggressive and mean to people, I'm sure people can tell that you're fundamentally a good person – so even if people are intimidated by you, I'm sure you don't have as many enemies as you think.
So please stop thinking like that, okay? I'm sure it isn't true. Maybe you're too shy now to go up and try and make friends with Alfred after all this time, but just please believe me. There's no way he could hate you, if he ever did in the first place.
You know, I gotta admit, for a while I was thinking "So the Gentleman is someone Alfred doesn't get along with...so it might be pretty easy to figure out who he is, since Alfred pretty much gets along with everybody." But then I realized how stupid that was. How vain of someone who's safely in the popular crowd.
Because Alfred must have trodden on a lot of poor, awkward, hopeful teens in freshman year to get popular. And I bet there's a lot of people outside the golden circle who dislike him, and he just never notices them. Even if someone is mean to him, he probably ignores it and moves on.
But they have every right to hold a grudge – the way he treated some people in freshman year, when all he cared about was becoming popular. I don't think he realized it, but he ended up having to make a lot of people look bad to make himself look better in comparison. Now I hate Alfred's stupid popularity even more, because it hurt people, without him even knowing or caring at the time.
I know you said you don't like me thinking Alfred is a douche just because he's popular. I guess I don't really think that. I hate how his popularity (which has taken on a life of its own, I think we both agree) has affected other people – either they got stepped on in his climb to the top, or they worship him mindlessly, or it's the girls who get hurt when he turns them down. Not all of these things are his fault, and even the things that are, I believe that one day he will be mature enough to realize his mistakes, and he'll feel bad about it.
And actually I do agree with you about him: I think he can be better than all that celebrity stuff, too. We're not bffs or anything, but I know him well enough to know he could be more. I think maybe for a while he got a little wrapped up in the golden circle stuff and let himself think he was as great as everyone said he was. But I believe he's the kind of guy who will grow out of it and make something of himself. So I don't hate him, or think badly of him, don't worry.
Anyway, I have totally gone off on a huge tangent in this message. I'm really sorry! Jesus, I've already typed so much and I haven't even started answering your stuff yet! Sorry! This is gonna take forever to read. You don't have to reply to everything (especially the emo stuff) I'm just venting I guess.
So, let's get this email back on track! So…uh…where was I before I derailed? Let's see…
Oh, right! Kiku.
Yeah, you're probably right about him. From what I know of the guy, he doesn't swear or get angry. Like, ever. You know Hercu…God, I ALWAYS go to call him Hercules, but that's not his name. So anyway, you know Heracles? They're pretty good friends, and Hercules was worried Kiku was bottling everything up inside and one day he'd snap and things would get really ugly. So to try and help Kiku stop that from happening really badly in the future, Hercules tried to make him angry in a controlled environment and whatever, to get out some of that pent-up frustration he thought was in there. It was hilarious – seeing a laid-back guy like Hercules try and piss off a zen guy like Kiku. It took them weeks to get anywhere. And it turns out the thing that got Kiku most angry was me calling Heracles Hercules so much – and even then it was just like Kiku having a little eyebrow twitch, not all out yelling or anything.
Besides, I can't help it! Heracles/Hercules – they just sound the same. And wouldn't you love to have an awesome nickname like Hercules? That movie is hilarious and Disney just plain rules. I don't know why Kiku was so annoyed. (Well, annoyed by Kiku standards, which is barely anything.)
The thing about Kiku is that he balances Alfred out. It's not like they're so opposite that it's really clashing and difficult – they sort of equalize each other. Where Kiku is naturally so quiet and calm that his life might get kinda boring, Alfred can swoop in and help him have fun – even if it's just by proxy. And whilst Alfred goes all out of control with his popularity, knowing someone as down to earth as Kiku must help keep him grounded and not get too carried away. I think they make a good pair.
And as for you and Alfred, I'm sure if it weren't for that rough start, you guys would make a great pair, too. Even if it was just as friends. You guys really do have the whole 'opposite' thing going on – the super nice and popular jock who likes science and the cranky/secret-softy outcast who likes the arts. You might not balance or complement each other like Alfred and Kiku, but…I don't know, it just sounds like you would challenge each other. You're both so different that I'm sure you would be able to give each other different opinions and viewpoints and make each other think about things in a whole new way. It sounds like a relationship everyone should have in their lives.
That, and it sounds like the stuff sitcoms are made of, which is always good.
So anyway, you're clearly not Kiku. But I've come up with a new guess about your identity: Lukas! You know that Norwegian guy? I mean, personally I don't think it seems like he has a crush on Alfred – but I find it hard imagining any guy having a crush on him, so I'll just ignore that part.
But other than that, I think it really works. He acts all calm all the time, but he's always frowning like he's trying real hard at it. Just like you! And it looks like if you got to know him he'd be really aggressive, but not in a really mean way. Just like you! (Also, I've seen how he treats Mathias, so I know for a fact he can be aggressive. But I can't figure out if he actually hates Mathias or not…) He doesn't seem to have a huge, normal social life, but he does have some really close friends. Just like you! I know for a fact that he has at least one brother, though I think he's adopted or…well, I'm not sure how it works, but anyway. I know he likes mythology and stuff, so he would possibly be a fan of lit studies. Just like you! He's not a native English speaker, but everyone here speaks English really well. I thought you were a native speaker because in one of your other emails you were ragging on me about needing spell-check to use my own language, and you made it sound like you didn't need it for your language, i.e. also English. But maybe I was mistaken.
Soooo…Hi, Lukas! How's it going? XP (Just kidding.) (Buuut if you are Lukas, I know you're kinda friends with Arthur, so tell me everything you know about him! …And I mean that in a non-stalker way…God, please don't tell Arthur I ever said "tell me everything you know about him!" I would straight up die. You don't want me to die, do you?)
I think I just derailed the message again. Jesus, what is wrong with me today!
Next up on the schedule: The Gentleman agrees that The Hero cannot follow his own "be yourself" advice. I guess you're right: I have to lead by example. I'm kinda brave and I want to be a hero and all, so I should take the first step. If I stop worrying about peer pressure, it might encourage other people to do the same. And I really think we'd all be better off like that. And you're totally right, we all have little secrets like my love of science, so I shouldn't think it's the end of the world to tell people. Besides, my love of science makes me who I am. If I think people would reject me if they knew about it, it makes it seem like I have really low self esteem. I mean, being humble is one thing, but everyone should be confident about who they are.
Except I can't go blurting out how much I love physics now, because then you'll know I'm The Hero! God, this is complicated. You messed everything up, Gentleman!
I suck at lit studies. Well, suck is a strong word. I guess I just don't like it, so I don't try so hard. I can still pass with little studying, but my parents sure aren't happy at such a mediocre grade in that subject, just 'cause I don't feel like working at it.
What I want to know is: how come we're not allowed to study comic books and manga? That's literature, too! And it's like the evolution of storytelling through pictures, which is ancient – so it's gotta be important! Plus, the stories are way better than some of the shit we have to read. Is it necessary for them to pick out only the most boring books from round the world? Is that where the hard work comes in- 'cause trying to finish such boring stuff is as hard as trying to work out difficult equations in math and do complicated experiments in science?
You don't really seem like a graphic novel kinda guy…I mean, you seem more nerdy(smart) than geeky(the new cool), like me. I love all that geek stuff. …Not that I tell everyone about it, though…
And just for the record: I knew you were being sarcastic about wanting to hear about my weekend. Does that make you a triple-moron for not recognising a sarcastic reply to a sarcastic comment?
Thanks for what you said about me. "Idealistic, naïve and hopelessly romantic" – those things don't sound so bad to me. It's better than being 'stupid and oblivious' that's for sure. I actually kinda like that someone thinks those things about me. It's the way a friend would see you. So even though you don't know me in real life, you can see good things about me. That's encouraging.
And idealistic and naïve and hopelessly romantic is what my favourite superheroes are like, pretty much! So maybe I can be the superhero, and you can be my sidekick who keeps me in line and helps me when I'm too naïve and I fall into stupid traps because I trust people too much. Our comic pretty much writes itself, huh!
Or, maybe you wouldn't be my sidekick. You probably wouldn't like that. We would make a great team though, right?
I'm glad you told me all that stuff – you know, about the Hobbit and your dinner and seeing Ludwig and Feliciano together (totally agree – what the fuck?) There's stuff I want to tell people too, but it's kinda dumb or pointless so I never end up telling anyone 'cause they'll think it's stupid.
Like when I'm alone in my room, I lip-sync along to my iPod. I get really into it, and do loads of facial expressions and act all dramatic like I'm singing on stage. I used to do it at home but my family made fun of me. And then I accidentally did it in front of some of my friends (like my real friends) and they laughed and said it was something preteen girls do, and I felt dumb. I mean, I can't be the only one, and one day I'm gonna find someone else who does it and shove it in everyone's face!
I prefer baseball to football. I mean, I like watching both of them, but I'd rather play baseball. But when I was trying to be all popular in junior high, football was the way to go, so I joined the team. And now I'm kinda stuck. I love my teammates and everything and it's fun and all, but my dad expects me to carry on football in college but I just don't care anymore.
And this is an Arthur thing, but talking about Hercules earlier reminded me of it. I just wanna take Arthur home and watch Disney movies with him, ya know? I don't know if you imagine doing stuff with Alfred (I mean not doing that kinda thing, but like dates and stuff), but I hope it doesn't sound too strange that I've thought about it. I can't explain it. I just wanna go back to my place, cuddle up on the sofa, and share all those movies I loved when I was a kid with him. I frickin' love Disney. Always have, always will. I still find the movies funny and exciting and I wanna watch those love stories with Arthur because that's how I feel about him and I don't know how to say it, but Disney can show him for me.
How's that for being a preteen girl. I guess gaydar doesn't really exist otherwise people would be able to figure me out in a second.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna go round asking everyone else if they're gay just to find you. Like you said, you probably wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. Also, I like my privacy in this area, so I'll respect everyone else's. But I was kinda surprized when you said Alfred looks like he might want to experiment. How can you tell that about him? What does that look like? Are other people seeing something that I don't when they look at him?
Your childhood friends sound nice. I mean, you didn't tell me about their personalities, but just the fact that they let you know they're there for you no matter what – it's really great. It sounds like you're a team and you've always got each other's backs. It's awesome that you can be kind of a loner at school but still feel confident and comfortable with yourself, just from knowing they're there if you need them. You sound like a really strong and mature person. I know I need people praising me and paying attention to me 24/7 or I feel like I'm doing something wrong…
YOU like to get drunk? I can't imagine it, but God I hope it's true. I bet you're a riot when you've been drinking.
My brother is…invaluable to me. (Okay, I admit, I used the thesaurus for that one – but it's like what you said about the "insert non-girly adjective" thing. I read you loud and clear on that one. How hard is it talking about emo stuff like this without sounding like a complete idiot?)
Anyway: my brother. Nobody ever really notices him so they can't see how great he really is, but I'm glad I get to be his brother and be really close to him so that I can see it. He's one of the best people in the world, I'm sure of it. I look up to him so much, and the reason I can be the person I am is because of him. And people seem to like me, so they should be grateful to him for making it possible.
I'm glad your brothers have started to be nicer. I'm sure they never really hated you, it's just the sibling rivalry thing. Are they younger or older? Using my epic detective skills, I'd guess they're probably older – and the reason they've started to be nicer is because they've grown out of teasing you and stuff. (Am I right?) Besides, I'm sure you could be an asshole right back to them – you seem like you can give as well as you take, so I'm not gonna feel too sorry for you just yet.
I totally don't ditch my best friends at school just to help myself be popular. It's just for me…well, my social life at school is different my social life outside of school. At school it's part of the job: working to be one of the cool kids is just the same as working at lessons. It even comes with its own extra-curricular activities: going to parties, making appearances at the right places and stuff. And the cool kids aren't exactly friends, they're more like "colleagues" since we're all working at the same job trying to be cool.
My real friends don't care about being popular, so at school I let them have fun and be themselves while I get on with my work at being cool. There's no point me dragging them into this stupid world of unnecessary childish drama just because I stupidly care about looking cool. They're better off without it, I can tell you that much. So they're just not involved in the circle of people I hang out with at school. But they know I'm not abandoning them just to look cool – we just hang out with different crowds at school so I don't see them as much. I'll totally say hi to them and talk to them in class or during frees or whatever. I just don't eat lunch with them and stuff.
Outside of school though – I mean when I'm not putting in the time with the cool kids – I hang out with my real friends in our dorms. And I finally get to relax and be myself. They know they're really invaluable to me, too.
Oh, so you didn't fall in love with Alfred at first sight? Suuuuure, Gentleman. I totally believe you. (That would be sarcasm, in case you missed it again.)
Deny it all you want, but I can tell. Because you're like me. Not in everything, but in this thing: the love situation. Liking someone you can't have, since the day you met, from your hiding place in the closet. There's no need to be embarrassed about it. Sure, it sucks that you like someone impossible for even longer, but it's still really romantic. Love at first is a good thing. I think you need to watch more Disney.
And don't worry, I totally get you on the watching someone in a non-stalker way. That's how I got to notice how Arthur actually isn't the mean old dragon everyone thinks he is. (He's like the one in Shrek! But a boy.)
But I'm kinda curious, what did you see about Alfred? You keep telling me there's more than meets the eye and you don't like him for the popularity – but you keep avoiding the real answer. What did he do that made you think he was such a good guy? It's alright, you can tell me. I won't think you're a crazy stalker for paying attention to him, because we're both in the same position. And they sound like the kind of things I want to know – so I can work on those qualities in myself so I can be a better person, too. You're a smart guy, and anything that impresses you so much has to be worth picking up for myself. Because then maybe Arthur would be impressed by me, like you are with Alfred. So you'd really be helping me out if you told me.
You think Alfred doesn't like being popular, he just got stuck in that "world"? Wow, I don't think anyone else would imagine that about him. But you know what, maybe it's true. If it's the same for me, maybe it's the same for Alfred. Maybe he realized how stupid it was and got tired, but still does it just because it makes the world at school go round and it's better than being unpopular. It's easy to get comfortable being popular, and be scared of the alternative.
And that's crazy – you're the first person I've ever heard say they felt sorry for Alfred. Most people would think you're insane, but I kind of agree. Actually, I totally agree. Even when it comes to turning down the girls, I feel sorry for him. Hurting people like that (and so often) can't be fun. And sure, he doesn't have to say no, but he must have his reasons. Maybe he has a girlfriend back home or something. Or maybe he just plays around with the girls at school in secret without actually dating anyone. I've heard rumours about both, so nobody else finds it that strange that he doesn't usually pay attention to his fangirls too much.
But yeah, Arthur's position is definitely worse. I don't feel sorry for him the same way I feel sorry for Alfred. With Alfred it's kind of a shame, but you gotta admit he brought it on himself. With Arthur though it's more like I feel angry because his situation sucks and he has no control over it. He only ever tried to be a normal student, but life/his brothers wouldn't let that happen. I bet he's looking forward to his fresh start at college. It makes me sad, because I wish he could have enjoyed his time here as much as I did. Having a crush on him has made everyday exciting for me, and I wish he could have had something like that, to make every day something to look forward to even if he doesn't have lots of friends and people pick on him sometimes. I wish the time we were at school together could have been as important to him as it was to me so that he'll always remember the academy happily, and maybe remember me sometimes too – but I'm just glad he'll get to start over and make the most of his life at college.
Dude, no worries about what you said about Arthur. I know it's not like you to go around hating on someone for no reason, so I don't think you do it all the time. And I know exactly what it's like to just blindly believe what everyone tells you about someone, so you just assumed Arthur was as unlikeable as everyone said he was because you didn't know any different.
But yeah, it's your and everyone else's loss. 'Cause he's amazing. Everyone jumps to conclusions about him because of all the stories they've heard and because he's kind of rough on the outside. But nobody takes the time to get to know him or take a closer look at him. I wish I could start an "Arthur Kirkland awareness campaign" and make everyone see how great he is – but that probably wouldn't go down well.
Oh my God can you imagine? I would have to take the campaign idea to him first, since he's student council president. "Yo, Artie. I want to start an awareness campaign at school to teach kids about a topic very close to my heart: you."
…Jesus, that line needs to be in a movie! Who do I talk to about this? I'm gonna be a millionaire! (I mean, if Arthur doesn't kill me for saying it first XD )
I totally agree about his brothers being dicks. God, I would love to beat the shit out of them if I ever got the chance! They must have all moved out of their family home by now and don't get to pick on him so much anymore except at holidays. And it's not really fair of me to beat them up for something they did when they were kids. But still, I want to. So bad. I'm sure Arthur doesn't need me to fight his battles for him, and his parents might not like me so much for beating up their other sons, and it's really none of my business anyway, but…I just really think of this as a damsel in distress situation and that is the fundamental call to arms for a superhero. Poor Arthur must have been like Cinderella at home.
And yeah, I'm sure he has friends, too. He's just not the same kind of social most teenagers are, so it's hard to tell.
Yep, I did the whole 'falling in love at first sight' thing with Arthur back on day one of freshman year. And yep, even despite what people said about him. It's weird – I mean I heard the stories his brothers passed down about him and I knew they were true, but they didn't make me think he was lame. It was just some embarrassing stuff he did when he was younger. We all have stories like that – he was just unfortunate that total strangers found out about his, courtesy of his jackass brothers. I actually found the stories all cute and funny.
So I didn't think Arthur was uncool. In fact I just…wanted to orbit around the guy. I couldn't get enough of him.
But the more I talked to him, the meaner he was to me. At first I didn't get why, and I was hurt because I was so fascinated by him, but he didn't seem to like me. So I tried to forget how much I liked him and started being mean back. That made him be even meaner to me, and then me be even meaner to him – and because I was getting popular that made all the cool kids not like him for even more reasons…and now here we are.
But now I know why he didn't like me at the start. He hated me 'cause I was a bully. You're totally right. I was horrible to him.
I didn't see it at the time because I wasn't doing it to be mean. I didn't realize I was picking on him, and I didn't realize other people were either. I thought it was all just a joke. Just some teasing about those embarrassing stories going round about him. Like you would tease any friend about that stuff. I was just doing it to make everyone else laugh and like me, not because I thought Arthur was lame. It didn't even occur to me that other people might think he wasn't cool, because he was to me.
But that's so naïve. Of course all that teasing hurt him. Of course it wasn't just a joke. Of course people were laughing at him, not with him. Even though I wasn't doing it to be mean, it looked like I was, because that's what everyone else was doing. I know I said I didn't think many people fought with Alfred so it would be easy to figure out who you are, but to Arthur I could be anybody, because I treated him just as badly as everyone else. To him, I'd just look like any of those other bullies who were mean to him in freshman year. No matter why I was doing it, how innocent and ignorant my intentions, it wouldn't have mattered to Arthur: I was still being horrible to him. So he was horrible back, to defend himself. He had every right not to like me and I was stupid for thinking he was being a dick for no reason.
I'll feel bad about it to the day I die, I swear. And yeah, maybe he's mostly gotten over it, but it was still wrong of me, and I feel terrible. I always will. I'm gonna find a way to make it up to him one day. I don't know how, but one day I want to do something nice and useful for him to help him out (be his hero, I guess) even if he doesn't know it's me. It won't make us even, but I have to do something for him!
So yeah, I was a bully. I get that now. I never meant for it to be like that – I thought he knew we were all just kidding around but…if I were in his position of course I'd think exactly what he thought. What else is there to think? I wouldn't be able to handle it as well as he did either. I'm sure I'd be a mess and begging to change schools and traumatized for my entire life. He's so brave.
But anyway, despite all the awkwardness and misunderstood antagonism between us, I can't believe it took me so long to realize I had a crush on him! It was a frickin' nightmare, honestly! I was a total tool. I fell in love at first sight, but didn't get it because people said he was lame and I'd never liked a guy before. So it didn't click that I wanted to run in circles round him because I liked him like that. My heart pounded whenever he was there, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I got excited just from hearing people say his name, I craved his attention – and I didn't know why! I didn't even wonder why I felt those things! I didn't think about it. How could I have not known! God, what an idiot!
Gym classes were the goddam worst! Still are, actually. That was when it was hardest to ignore how I was really feeling about him. I mean, I didn't watch him change or anything, but I couldn't help noticing his little shorts. His goddam little fucking shorts. I'm sure they are the reason I eventually figured out I was attracted to him. Just why are his gym shorts shorter than everybody else's? Seriously! It's criminal! To this day – two and a half years of being at the academy – and he still wears gym shorts that look like they come out of a wet dream. I mean, they don't make the girls wear gym clothes that look that erotic, because there'd be a scandal. So why does Arthur get to parade around with his long perfect legs and little tight shorts giving everybody a total hard on?
Okay, maybe not everybody, but even one person is too many. Especially when it's me. Fuck those little shorts!
So, that's just getting way too graphic and I'm sure you're plenty disturbed now. But at least maybe now you won't feel embarrassed about telling me the things you notice about Alfred that no one else does. 'Cause my 2 and a half year old short shorts fetish has gotta be more awkward than anything you could say about Alfred.
Besides, you said you were in the creeper club too. Yay! I think we should get hoodies with a logo and our codenames on.
Say, that reminds me of something I wanted to ask! What are you wearing? I won't ask about your normal personal style in case that's too much of a give away, but just tell me what you're wearing right now so I have something to picture. As for me, I'm sitting here in my dorm room wearing jeans but no socks (I like to go barefoot/I'm too lazy to find some) and my hella comfy red hoodie with yellow stripes across the chest. I don't wear it out too much with the cool crowd, but it's a hoodie of choice when relaxing around my room or with friends.
Oh, and don't try getting away with saying "I'm wearing my school uniform." Totally doesn't count.
I'm sorry for belittling your feelings and telling you to move on too. It's not that easy huh? I guess we'll just both have to accept that we each like someone the other person doesn't understand, and nothing either of us (or anyone else) can say will change that. For better or worse (my bet's on the second one) this is just it for us.
And yeah, I'm totally romantic. If you hadn't clued in from the "I wanna watch Disney movies with Arthur~" thing. And I know you are, too, so don't try to hide it. Come on: a literature studies guy must have all sorts of crazy romantic daydreams floating around his head!
Dude…This email is nearly 7 THOUSAND words long! What is this? I don't even…I can't remember the last time I ever wrote this much. This is like 4 huge essays all rolled into one. I legitimately can't believe how long I've been typing.
I should really stop before this gets any longer and you can never be bothered to read it. I'm really sorry it's so long. Just write back with whatever, you don't have to go through and reply to every paragraph like we usually do.
Have a great Wednesday! (Personally, they're my favourite 'cause I get to see Arthur the most on Wednesdays!)
TTYL
The Hero
