Chapter 10:

His hot breath is all over me. Puffs of air are hitting my face as he moves. Fast. Hard. It hurts. It hurts so much. His nails are clawing into the flesh at my sides. My own hands are moving over the cold floor in search of something to grab on to. They find nothing. So I just drag my fingertips on the hard floor, making them bleed. But anything to distract me ever so slightly from the other pain.

The sound. The sound is horrible. Flesh slamming together. Over and over. Mixed with the sound of grunting, and a few whimpers that I can't keep inside. He's looking at me. I can feel it. I can feel the violet gaze of his eyes. The gaze that tells you that you are nothing. Nothing at all. That you are disgusting, worthless, a little shit. That no one cares about you. So I keep my eyes squeezed shut. Desperate not to let our eyes meet. I know that he doesn't like when I do that. I've heard it multiple times. But right now he doesn't seem to care. The Demon. Pain. Pain. Over and over. When will it end this time?

Suddenly his mouth slam onto mine, and when I try to jerk away he bites my lip. Hard. I can taste blood. And there's no way I can conceal the whine I let out at that. The Demon starts to laugh. Laugh at me. That horrible, horrible laugh. As far from a laugh that you can actually get. So devoid of emotion. Nails bite even harder at my sides. Raking down, drawing skin away with them. The tears finally starts pouring out of my eyes. The tears that I just know that he was waiting for.

.-.-.-.

Just one more hour. One more hour trapped in this fucking room and then I can be alone for days. Just a little while left.

A little while that feels like forever. Gah. Stupid, stupid old woman. Talking and talking. Shut the fuck up. Stupid bastard sitting next to me actually taking notes. At least I can just ask him to show them to later in case I miss something. Though, of course, I never miss anything. Especially not everything that the teacher has said in the last five minutes while I've been thinking about other stuff.

I look a little closer at the paper that the bastard is taking his notes on, just to make sure that I have, in fact, not missed anything. But as I look closer at the paper all I can see is… drawings, doodles. Seriously? That's what he's looking so concentrated at? And it's not even normal fucking doodles, oh no, of course not. This is a bastard we are talking about. Or in this case, maybe I should say a turtle tomato bastard with a love for shading things. The whole page is filled with drawings of tomatoes, sometimes of people sitting on tomatoes. A couple of turtles, all with their names written next to them. Oh my god. Is this the guy who I apparently have managed to befriend? Great job, Lovino. I try to look a closer at the picture he's currently drawing, possibly leaning a little closer to him in the process. It's not like he'll notice, judging by how absorbed he looks with his work.

It seems to be a human, or some scary overly manga- like human at least. I think that it's supposed to be a guy, but the huge eyes and eye-lashes are making me doubt. In the midst of me contemplating the character's gender, Antonio flicks his hand and draws a single stray hair sticking out of the side of the characters head. What? That looks kind of like… me? I mean there's no way that I'd ever look that ridiculous and that un-manly, but other than that… Why the fuck would the Bastard ever draw me, though? That's just messed up.

Just when I try to look even closer at the picture, to see if it's really a drawing of me, Antonio turns up his head to look at me. Which leads our faces to come way too close for my liking. Damn those eyes are green. I quickly lean back to my own side of the table and look to the opposite side of the room. Fuck. It's not like we were that close to each other. It was still a couple of inches between us. But still too close. I don't like it.

And yet I glance back at Antonio again for a second. He seems just as concentrated on his picture as he was before. Biting his lip as he concentrates, leaning even closer to his paper. Stop it Lovino. I turn my gaze away, again, and look towards the teacher again. The crazy lady is now holding a whole bunch of papers.

"Alright, so I have looked through the papers of how much you've written on your essay this far. They are all fine, but I've left some comments on each of them on stuff that you can improve and think about when you continue to write." The teacher says, before she starts walking around handing back papers to people.

After she's put mine and Antonio's paper on our desk I pick it up and poke the weird doodling bastard's arm. With my pencil of course.

"Huh?" Antonio looks up at me again, seeming confused.

"We've gotten back our fucking essay, apparently there's like feedback or something written on it. Weren't you listening to the lesson? Bastard." I glare at the bastardo and scoot the paper towards his side of the table.

"Oh, no, sorry, I was kinda busy drawing." Antonio says with a maybe slightly embarrassed smile before taking up the papers and flipping through the pages, reading what seems to be little comments on different parts of the text. Maybe I should have read it before giving it to him. Now I won't know how we've done this far before that slow-ass moron has finished reading. Damn it. He always takes at least twice as long to read things as I do.

"Okay, well, it seems to be okay at least so that's good!" The Bastard says when he, finally, has finished reading and pushed the papers back to me.

"There's got to be something wrong?" I pick up the papers and start reading through them myself. Hm. There are not too many comments I guess… Why? Why are you just leaving a comment that says freaking "explain" or "elaborate"? How the flying fuck am I supposed to get what exactly you want me to do? Am I supposed to explain what Stalin ate for breakfast? I'm terribly fucking sorry but I don't know that. Am I supposed to elaborate on how the Berlin wall was built, stone by stone? Dio. Okay Lovino, focus now. Stop talking to yourself. Blah, blah, blah. Good work, try to think about this and that and… Who the fuck cares?

"She's probably just copied all of these comments on everyone's works and not actually read through a single one…" I mumble after I've finished reading and instead start scraping my nail into the table.

"Heh, maybe." Antonio laughs. So he actually got the joke. That's something new. Bastard always looks completely clueless when one of his stupid friends, or I, are joking. Looking around, my eyes zooms in on Antonio's notebook again. Right. That damn picture that no way in hell can be of me. What am I supposed to do? It's not like I can just ignore it. I have to fucking know. Ehm… Just be smooth. Because that's something that you're good at.

"Eh… Bastard, what… What the fuck have you drawn in your notebook?"

Antonio looks very confused for a second before he lights up and reaches for the book. "You mean these ones?"

I roll my eyes. "No, the other ones."

"But these are the only ones I drew today?" That. That genuine confusion in his eyes. It's fucking priceless. You almost want to take a picture of it. Not that I actually like his face. It's just that motherfucking expression.

"Of course I meant those freaking drawings, damn it! It was just so obvious; it was your question that was stupid."

"Oh. I just wanted to make sure." Come on, Lovino, you can do it. Resist the urge to facepalm. There you go. "Anyways, you can look at them if you want. I mostly just doodle random things. Like my turtles, but I never manage to get them as cute as they actually are… "

"And this?" I interrupt, taking the notebook from him and poking at the picture of the… scary manga thing.

"Which one?" Don't lean so close bastard. You can see perfectly fine from where you were before. I don't need your face right next to mine. "Ah, yeah, sometimes I draw my friends too, so today I drew you. Hey that kind of rhymed!"

"But- but why? What fucking interest do you have in drawing me?" I say, choosing to ignore the Bastard's last comment. Why does he need to draw a picture of me? Is he going to show it to someone? Why? I don't like this. I never let anyone take pictures of me anymore. Gilbert the Stupid tried on Halloween and I chased him for half an hour to delete it. If anyone has a picture of me… They have some kind of power. What if someone sees it? Someone who wants to hurt me?

Okay fucking calm down, you moron.

This is a drawing, a damn drawing of you looking like a retarded manga character. No one would ever recognize you. Come on. You are not serious this time. Fucking stop it. You are not some paranoid old man who can't do shit. No freaking way. Everything is fine. An idiot of a friend of yours drew you. There's nothing more to it.

"I dunno, I just felt like it. I wanted to see if I could do it I guess…" Oh Antonio, the master of straight, concrete answers.

"Whatever, I don't like it. Erase it." It's still an ugly fucking picture. Or well, no, I guess that it kind of is drawn quite nicely. But it's of me. Then it's automatically ugly.

"No! I like it, I don't want to erase it." Pouting works when you're five Bastard, not fifteen (and no I never fucking pout!).

Stop it, god damn.

Oh hell no, puppy dog eyes won't work. Puppies don't even have green eyes do they? Maybe they do… It doesn't matter.

"Fuck it, fine. Keep the stupid picture. It's not like I care."

Antonio flashes a smile and seems to just about to say something when the bell rings. Yes. Fucking yes. No more morons until Monday.

I put my un-used notebook back in my bag and run out of the classroom, not bothering to say goodbye to Antonio. It's not like that matters anyway.

"Lovino!" I've just gotten out of the school and started walking home when I hear someone scream at me. Turning around I see that it is, no surprise, Antonio who's running towards me. What the fuck does the bastard want this time? Have I forgotten something in the classroom? I don't think so… But it's possible in my hurry to get away I guess.

"Lovino… you can't just run away like that, I need to say goodbye to you." Antonio says when he has finally reached me. Standing with his hands on his knees and breathing hard. Bastard needs to get in shape.

"Why? It's just a fucking weekend." Pretty much… Well… Less than a week at least.

"But still." Stop whining. "I'm going to miss you."

What. Fucking, no you won't. You'll hang out with your family and the perverts all week. You won't miss me. There's no reason for you to. You should be happy not having my glares on you for a little while. Stupid bastard. What should I say now? Ehm. Just snort and look away. Good enough…

"Can I hug you?"

"Wh- wha- wh- what?!" What. The. Actual. Fuck. Hug me? Why would he think that he has any right at all to hug me? No one has the right to hug me. I've told him that I don't want him to touch me. I mean he's dense as fuck, but does he have a memory problem as well? On the other hand, I kind of did let him hug me on Halloween. But… It was all his fault. I didn't want to. No. He can't hug me.

But why not? You're friends apparently, there's nothing wrong with hugging a friend is there? You'll seem more weird if you don't hug him.

I… no. I just don't want to.

"Lovino?" The flying piece of Bastard pokes my shoulder.

"No." I burst out. "No you can't hug me."

"Oh. Well, bye I guess..." Antonio says before turning around and walking away in the opposite direction from me. Shit. Is he actually sad? No. Right? He shouldn't be sad just 'cause I didn't want to hug him.

Okay he actually looks kind of sad. Ehm. Maybe I should… No. Or? Just to hell with it.

"Tonio!" Wait what did I just call him? "Wait..."

Well he can turn around quickly at least. "What is it Lovino?"

I wait until he has come closer again. I'm not going to say this loud, or twice. "You… You can fucking hug me I guess. But just this damn time!"

"Really?" Just fucking do it bastard before I change my mind. My silence actually seems to answer for him, because he comes even closer and puts both of his arms around me. I feel myself twitch and my heart rate speeds up a bit. Stupid brain thinking everything is scary. The tingling feeling where his hands are… that has nothing to do with anything. At all. God damn it.

Should I hug him back? Maybe. Hesitantly I put my hands on his back as well. Okay, maybe that Bastard is kind of fit after all. After a way too long while, Antonio pulls back and I quickly take away my hands from him as well.

"Okay, good bye for real this time Lovino." Antonio says, ruffling my hair, stupid bastard destroying it, and walking away. Smiling this time. Stupid bastard. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That smile does not make me feel happy. No. I promptly turn around and start walking again.

.-.-.-.-.

We're swinging, Feliciano and I, going higher and higher on the rusty, old swings on the playground. Feli is laughing, or well, more like giggling as he looks up at the sky. His hair is flying all around him, curl bouncing and the wind catching on to his clothes. Someone should be filming him. He'd make the perfect happy little child in some stupid movie. Always so perfect.

The scene changes. I'm still on the same playground, and I can see the swings just a couple of steps away. But now I'm sitting in the sandbox instead and I can't see Feli anymore. For some reason it's not really bugging me. I'm sure that that air-head is around here somewhere. My shoes are filled with that God damned sand, making me wiggle my feet around and wondering if maybe I should empty them.

Just when I'm about to take off my first shoe I hear what sounds like laughing coming from behind me. It sounds like Feli. What the fuck has he now found to laugh at? I turn around and see Feli standing next to some other boy, who's wearing all black, including his weird ugly hat, and has a very serious expression on his face. Despite the kid's completely stuck-up posture, Feli is giggling clutching the other's arm. I continue to stare at them, as they talk and even Mr. Stuck-up smiles a couple of times. Feli just works that way on everyone I suppose.

But after I've sat there for maybe twenty minutes Feli's new… friend or whatever, pats Feli on the head before walking away to a woman who I assume is his mother standing a short distance away. Feli then comes jumping towards me and sits down next to me in the sand.

"Ciao fratello", he says when he has gotten comfortable leaning against my shoulder. I don't really have the heart to push him away right now. It depends on how he continues this conversation, or preferably, not continues it.

"What is it?"

"Ve, did you see the boy I talked with?"

"Yes, he looked stupid."

"Fratello! That's mean." Feli lifts his head of my shoulder and gives me his best puppy dog eyes. Which are very good.

"Whatever. Who is it? Why were you talking to him?"

"He's the boy who just moved in on our street. Ve, you know when we saw really large truck? I was talking to him because he's really nice. We've talked before and he always tells me such interesting stories…"

"Yeah, yeah I don't care. Stop babbling already!"

"But- but, it was you who asked me about it. Wouldn't it be weirder if I didn't answer?"

"Stop trying to play smart Feli, you're not, damn it."

"Ve, fratello is mad at me again…" Feli whispers, seemingly to himself, still cuddling into my shoulder. I just sigh at him.

We've sat there for a couple of minutes when Feli starts poking at my side. Which kind of tickles, something I'm dead-set on never letting anyone knowing. Luckily I'm quite good at keeping my scowl in place.

"What is it, Feli?" I ask, only to make him stop.

"You know that boy from earlier?"

"Yes, what about him now?"

"I think I might… be in love with him. And he likes me too. So he's my boyfriend now. Isn't that great?"

"HE IS YOUR WHAT? He can't be your fucking boyfriend!"

"Why not fratello? I get really happy when I'm with him. And when he touches me I get all happy and I get like… butterflies in my stomach and I really like hugging him. He even kissed my cheek yesterday. Why would there be anything wrong with it? The only problem is that, ve… I don't think he knows that I'm a boy too. He calls me his girlfriend. I don't really mind it, but it's odd is all."

"You… you can't fucking let him call you a girl! You're not! What the fuck is his name?" What the hell? Who is that boy? How the fuck can Feli even believe that he has fallen in love with a boy? It's not right.

"Ve… eh… I… I don't quite… remember."

"What, bastard, you gotta be fucking kidding me, damn it!"

I wake up gasping and hitting my head in the wall when I sit up. What the heck was that? It feels familiar, as if it was a fucking memory and not just some random dream. But that doesn't make any sense.

Because what would that mean? That my little brother, that Feli, was… gay? No. The kid always acted a little bit gay… but… still. I mean I don't think that it should be illegal to be gay or anything, I'm not some damn homophobe, but I'd rather not me associated with it. I mean watching that Brit and the stupid-ass American make out is gross, but it's their choice. I just wouldn't really be friends with them. And Gilbert and Matthew… they're not actually dating are they? They're just really odd friends. Yeah. That's it. And Feli was just, like, six there or something. It doesn't mean anything. I don't remember ever hearing him talk about that other boy again. So there's no problem. At all.

Why the fuck am I even trying to rationalize this to myself? It doesn't matter now. What time is it? I turn my head and look at my alarm clock standing on the nightstand next to me. Five thirty. God fucking damn it. That's the worst time of all to wake up. There's no way I can fall asleep again, but I still have to lie here for over an hour before I can get up without Grandpa getting mad at me for waking him up.

Damn it. I roll around, trying to get into a comfortable position. Rolling into my blanket in fifty different ways. Placing my pillows under and on top of me in different ways. Lying in every position imaginable. Nothing works, of course. It's too hot and too cold and just not right.

I can't get the freaking things that Feli said out of my head. 'I get really happy when I'm with him. And when he touches me I get all happy and I get like… butterflies in my stomach and I really like hugging him. He even kissed my cheek yesterday. Why would there be anything wrong with it?' Stop. Stop repeating it.

That is actually a quite good description of how it feels when Antonio hugs… No. Stop it. Right there. You are not thinking that sentence.

But he was really warm. I didn't want him to stop the hug.

What are you talking about? Of course you wanted him to fucking stop hugging you. You know what Lovino. You're ending this… internal conversation… right here.

The rest of the break is spent in some kind of daze where I'm refusing to even let myself think. Grandpa spent the whole Thanksgiving dinner looking like he was about to cry, while I simple stared out the window looking at the streetlights. The Bastard tried texting me a couple of times, probably about something stupid, but I refused to even read them. I don't care about him.

AN: Finally got around to finish this chapter. Hm. I don't really have anything to say about it except that the views on homosexuality that I've written in this chapter in no way are my opinions and I kind of feel like a horrible person for writing it. Just so y'all know it. Well then, otherwise I hope you enjoyed the chapter!