*Bear with me: long story, but worth it!
Warning:
Sexual References and Utter Insanity

The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Yuuta
OR
The Worst Thing That Ever Happened to Nakamura Keisuke ('cause there's really no difference)


~oOoOo~


"Yuuta, go." said Kamio, since he couldn't think of a better transition at the moment. Which is fair enough, I suppose, since he was supposed to be wasted anyway.

"Yeah, go, GO!" trilled Kirihara. "And let's skip the foreplay this time. I have a feeling this is going to be a long story."

"Be reasonable, Kirihara, there's no possible way that you could know that," said Choutarou logically.

Choutarou got an Asahi dumped on his head.

"Kirihara's right," said Yuuta, clearing his throat. "Let's just get to it. I'm going to tell you a story about a young man who made some very poor decisions."

"Oh, God, you're not talking about yourself, are you?" asked Kamio.

Yuuta frowned. "No."

"Well good, 'cuz I hate it when people talk about themselves in third person."

"Then I wouldn't recommend Lord of the Rings." Said Yuuta. "But that's for later. No tangents this time."

Yuuta cleared his throat again. "Nakamura injured me repeatedly throughout elementary school, but when he dared to insult me before the one I loved, I vowed revenge. He, of course, would have no idea. Sharp though he may be with words or actions, his mind was unalterably dull and my bland smile would reveal nothing."

"......"

"....Who's Nakamura? What did he do?" Shinji ventured cautiously.

Yuuta sighed heavily. "It was years ago........."

***

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXXxXxXxXxXxXxX

***

........Ten year old Yuuta had no worries on his mind save for his imminent graduation from fifth grade: the ultimate honor and coming of age. He was carefree, high-spirited and trusting young boy, untainted by the coarse realities of adulthood. How was he to know, when mounting the bus to return home that fateful Wednesday afternoon that all that was about to change forever?

Nakamura Keisuke sat at the back of the bus, surrounded by clouds of friends and giggling girls, whom he charmed with his suave, sixth graders wit. With an innate grace to his stature and a pleasant soccer athlete's build, he was the envy of all the boys in his year and the heartthrob of all the girls, save for one, the one he really wanted...Mayuri Yasukawa. Every so often he would glance at her, sitting at the front of the bus, and run a hand through his hair after making a joke at another boy's expense, hoping she had noticed. In a word: an asshole.

Yuuta had learned from living with his brother that it was best to avoid the big kids altogether. They never brought anything but trouble. And anyhow, his own crush Kazuko Sato rode this bus and if possible, he didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of her.

Easier said than done.

Nakamura was growing frustrated and desperate when Mayuri would still pay him no attention. He started to flirt with one of the girls near him in an attempt to make her jealous.

"Yo, hands off," one of his friends said, leaning over to separate Keisuke from the blushing girl. "You can have anyone; she's mine."

"Oh yeah, tough guy?" Asked Nakamura, sensing a good opportunity for a fight. "And whatcha going to do about it?"

In response, his friend grabbed Nakamura's hat off his head and held it out of reach and they began to fight, but not seriously, for possession. They both stopped when the bus driver shouted at them to, and Nakamura's hat had fallen to the ground. He ducked down to get it. Then he saw it.

Lying on the floor of the bus, semi pasted there actually, was a thin, rubber thing that looked like the finger of a rubber glove that had been separated from the rest.

Nakamura's heart pounded in excitement. He quickly pointed it out to his friends and a plan formed in his head, which he whispered into their ears. They laughed and slapped him high five.

"God, it looks used!" One of his friends whispered gleefully.

Here was his chance! This would crack even Mayuri up! All he needed was…..

Nakamura cast his eyes about the bus for a victim and his gaze landed on little Yuuta, sitting all alone six rows in front of him, quietly staring out the window.

Nakamura straightened up. "YO, KID!" he called. "You, with the "x" on your head!"

Realizing he was the one being called, Yuuta turned around slowly in fear. Why was this big kid calling him out?

But Nakamura wore a good natured grin. "Come here!" He called, beckoning young Yuuta. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you! I just want to offer you a good proposition!"

Yuuta hesitated. But he knew that however much it sounded like a request, it wasn't. He had no choice. Leaving his backpack behind, he made his way to the back of the bus. Nakamura's friends parted so that Yuuta could sit next to Nakamura. Nakamura slung his arm around the younger boy in a friendly way. "It's your lucky day, pal!" he said in a loud, carrying voice so that Mayuri would hear. "I'm willing to offer you a prize if you do a very simple little task!"

All of Nakamura's friends snickered.

"What's the task?" Asked Yuuta uncertainly.

"Oh it's easy!" said Nakamura. He bent over and signaled for Yuuta to do the same. When they both had a view of underneath the bus seats, Nakamura pointed to the white rubbery thing. "Just touch that." He said. "I'll pay you 20 yen."

"Just to touch it?" asked Yuuta incredulously.

"Yeah, sure!" said Nakamura, while his friends looked like they were trying very hard not to laugh again. "You know what? I'll even up it—if you put that thing on your index finger, I'll pay you 100 yen."

"Are you serious?" Yuuta couldn't believe it. This guy would pay him 100 yen just to put a detached piece of a glove onto his finger? This was too much!

Figuring that he could impress Kazuko with his daring, Yuuta grinned and said, "Sure thing!"

He reached down and ripped the glove finger off the floor. I can't believe he's throwing away money like this. What a dumbass. He thought. Yuuta put it on his finger. He lifted his hand to show the boys. They roared with laughter.

So did all the other sixth graders on the bus. Only Yuuta and the other fifth graders looked confused.

"....What's so funny?" Yuuta asked finally.

"Oh......nothing.....absolutely......nothing!" Gasped Nakamura, wiping tears from his eyes as he laughed. "It's......just......that.....the.....thing......on.....your....finger...."

"What about it?" asked Yuuta defensively.

"It's a condom!" Cried Nakamura and they all burst into fresh peals of laughter.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Yuuta walked home alone. He didn't know what a condom was, but he had gathered from the laughter that it was bad. He had taken the rubber thing off immediately and demanded his money. But the bastard wouldn't pay up! Yuuta had argued with him so long that he had missed his stop and then he had had to get off at the next one and walk an extra mile to get home. That bastard… Yuuta thought. That double crossing bastard…How dare he make fun of me like that in front of Kazuko……I wonder what a condom is…?

Yuuta asked his mother that when he arrived at home. She took him on his lap and they had a long talk.

That night, dinner was an awkward affair. Yuuta's mother seemed quite disturbed by Yuuta's question, while Syuusuke looked a cross between amused and furious. Neither Yuuta's father nor Yumiko was home. Yuuta's mother softly suggested to Yuuta that he go and speak to Nakamura before school the next day, and try to sort out the matter pleasantly, without bad feelings. Syuusuke looked like he didn't think much of this proposal.

After dinner, Yuuta's mother left the kitchen, asking the boys to clean up. Yuuta moodily removed the dishes from the table and brought them to the sink, where Syuusuke washed them. They worked quietly for about ten minutes. Then when the job was done and Yuuta turned to leave, he felt Syuusuke grab his elbow. "Don't you want dessert?" He asked, holding out a box of ice cream. Yuuta nodded and they sat together.

Syuusuke seemed to know that Yuuta was silently fuming and waited calmly for an outburst. When Yuuta didn't speak however, he ventured to ask how Yuuta's day was. When Yuuta still didn't answer, Syuusuke inquired as to the good health of Keisuke Nakamura. That was it.

"I hate him!" Yuuta burst out. "He's completely ruining my life! He's a bully and he teases me and embarrasses me in front of my friends! And he's convinced he's so cool! All he ever does is make my life suck!"

"You know...." said Syuusuke thoughtfully, taking a bite of his ice cream. "All those problems could be solved by simply killing him."

"....."

"....."

"....."

"....."

"You have problems!" Yuuta screeched and exited the kitchen, leaving his ice cream behind.

Syuusuke frowned. "Was it something I said?" He wondered aloud.

XxX

After giving the matter some thought, Yuuta opted to take his mother's advice over Syuusuke's. He angrily brushed his hair in the mirror and straightened his collar the next morning, and made up his mind to walk to Nakamura's house before school started, intending, if nothing else, to at least get an apology. After looking up Nakamura's address in the directory, he stormed across town to the house. This wasn't his ideal way of solving things, but he had to try negotiations.

He only had to knock once on the door before it was opened by a tall woman, who looked down at him curiously.

"...Are you an X-man?" she asked.

"What? No. Why?" Answered a completely nonplussed Yuuta.

She pointed to his forehead.

Yuuta sighed loudly in frustration. "I want to speak to Keisuke. I'm a friend of his. Is he home?"

"Yes....he's just getting ready." She said, looking confused and retreating for a moment to call up the staircase to Nakamura. She invited Yuuta in, but he declined, preferring to stand on the deck. When he finally came out, he looked only mildly surprised to see Yuuta standing there, fuming.

"Can I help you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. You can give me my lousy money."

"Money?" Nakamura furrowed his brow like he was trying to remember something. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't owe you."

"Yes, you do!" Yuuta seethed. "You forced me to touch a condom yesterday. I at least want the money you promised me!"

Nakamura frowned. "I'm really sorry bud, but no can do. You see, yesterday I went to the arcade after school and I spent all the money. I've got nothing to give you."

"You—" Yuuta mouthed wordlessly in fury at the older boy.

But then Nakamura's eyes lit up, as if with inspiration.

"However," he continued, "I've gotta, say, I feel really bad about the way things spanned out. I really do."

"You do?" Yuuta looked at him suspiciously.

"Yeah man. That was really mean of me. I feel terrible. I'd like to make it up to you. Hang on a sec." He disappeared into his house for a few minutes and returned holding two long, rectangular bright green boxes with smiley faces on them.

"What's this?" asked Yuuta, scrutinizing the boxes that looked very cheerful and inviting.

"Just some treats. Cookies." He replied. "My apologies. Please accept them."

"Well, okay." Said Yuuta moodily, putting them into his backpack. "You won't do anything like that again?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He replied, smiling.

"Well, thanks man." Said Yuuta, suddenly feeling much happier.

"Sure thing." Nakamura smiled. Then he pointed over Yuuta's shoulder. "By the way, you just missed the bus."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXxXx

Yuuta was in good spirits when he finally reached school, though he had had to walk because Nakamura said there wasn't enough space in his car. At least he had apologized. And now Yuuta had cookies!

He opened his backpack during recess to look at the cookies and wondered if he should eat them now. But then he saw Kazuko pass with one of her friends, running toward the swings, and he had a better idea. Taking one of the boxes out of his backpack, he cautiously approached the lovely Kazuko and cleared his throat to make his presence known. She turned out and said, "Oh, hi Yuuta-kun!" in a friendly way. Yuuta's heart lightened. She wasn't fazed by what had happened yesterday.

"H-hey Sato-san...I um....I got these cookies this morning as a gift and I was wondering if you'd like some!" He said it in a rush, blushing furiously.

"Really, Yuuta-kun? That's so nice of you! Isn't it, Aki?" She asked her friend.

"You both can have some!" Said Yuuta immediately, fumbling with the box. "In fact, all of your friends can!"

"Thank you so much!" she said, shooting him a dazzling smile as he tore the box open. The cookies were individually wrapped, in silver packaging, each with a different colored smiley face on them.

"They must be really yummy!" commented Aki happily.

As Yuuta began to dole them out, other girls noticed and came over and he ended up giving cookies to all of them, much to their delight.

"Thank you, Yuuta-kun!" they chorused.

"Anytime." He felt like his heart was swelling with joy.

Just then, the bell rang and he bade them farewell and scampered off to get his backpack and return to his own class.

XxXxXx

That evening, Yuuta arrived home feeling elated. The memory of Kazuko's smiling face did not fade easily. Maybe that Nakamura had done something right for once. Feeling contented, Yuuta flopped down on the couch and reached for the cookie box, realizing he hadn't tried them himself. He had given so many away, only a couple were left. He was sure his mother wouldn't mind if he ate just one before dinner. He pulled one packet out of the box and unwrapped it.

Then he screamed.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning, Yuuta stormed to Nakamura's house. Again. Nakamura answered the door this time. Probably he had been expecting him.

"Why Yuuta!" he said in mock-surprise. "To what do I owe this—

"Cut the crap!" Yuuta shouted. "What the hell is the meaning of this?"

Yuuta opened his backpack and pulled out the remaining cookie package. He tore it open and brandished what was inside for Nakamura to see, holding it between his thumb and forefinger.

It wasn't a cookie. It was a condom.

"Whoa there, Yuuta, what are you insinuating?" Said Nakamura, taking a step back.

"You bastard!" Yuuta cried. "How could you do this?! I handed these out to all the girls at school!"

"You did?" Nakamura dissolved into laughter, clutching the door frame for support. "Oh man, I'm sorry.......I thought you would notice the label...!"

"What!?" Yuuta turned the box over, and sure enough, there was a cream-colored box labeled, "Directions for Use".

"I HATE YOUR GUTS!" Yuuta bellowed. "YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT? I HAD TO CALL EVERY SINGLE GIRL THAT I GAVE A COOKIE TO, INCLUDING SATO-SAN AND APOLOGIZE INDIVIDUALLY!"

"Why didn't you tell them what happened?" asked Nakamura, still chuckling.

"WHY WOULD I?" he screamed. "IT'S BAD ENOUGH AS IT IS!"

"I can't believe this." Said Nakamura. "I could never have planned this out so well. You're even stupider than I thought."

"I'll get you for this, Nakamura! I swear it!" Yuuta ground his teeth.

"Okay, okay, but one thing first." He said.

"What?"

He pointed over Yuuta's shoulder.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

It goes without saying that Yuuta missed the bus again that day and had to walk to school alone.

But what he did at home one week later was most uncharacteristic.

Rather than his normal veg-out routine, Yuuta went straight to his room and locked the door. He didn't bother turning on the light, but lit the lamp on his desk and sat down at it with a piece of paper and a pen.

Yuuta's head was pounding with rage and humiliation, but he tried to clear away those thoughts. He needed a cool head for what he was about to do. Yuuta sucked in a deep breath and let it go in a whoosh.

Since the condom-cookie incident, Yuuta had been obsessively seeking out Nakamura's weaknesses, hoping to discover something that would help him get revenge. He went over a mental checklist of the things he had come up. Initially, the only thing on the list had been Mayuri Yasukawa.

But over the past week, something had happened. Yuuta had been out at the pool on Sunday with his mother and he had seen something that he probably shouldn't have.

Yuuta had gone into the changing rooms after swimming and had taken a shower. As he was shampooing his hair, however, someone whom he recognized came to the shower areas as well. Need we say who it was?

Nakamura had made some snide comments regarding Yuuta's scrawny body and then had proceeded to shower himself. And then Yuuta noticed it.....as the older boy was washing..... Something on Nakamura's body that had potential to be humiliating…

Yuuta stilled his shaking hand and lifted his pen.

Dear Keisuke-kun, he wrote

This is Mayuri. I'm writing to tell you that I hate your guts. I hate your guts because you are lame and mean and also really really pathetic. You should get a life instead of always torturing little kids. And by the way, I've heard from a reliable source that you are uncircumcised. Ew. That's disgusting. Never talk to me again. I don't care if you're some sort of popular soccer-boy-hot-shot. I don't want to see you trying to impress me ever again, you uncircumcised, pathetic loser.

Sincerely,

Mayuri

Yuuta lifted his pen. Yes. That seemed like a good letter. It was straightforward and he thought it seemed very believable. Mayuri could have easily written this.

Yuuta grinned evilly. Nakamura would be broken hearted and mortified after receiving this letter from the one he loved. He threw back his head and laughed, before folding up the letter and putting it inside an envelope. He would sneak this to Nakamura tomorrow. And then they would see who the loser was.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

By the looks of things, Nakamura received the letter around lunchtime. Yuuta had planted it in his backpack far before that, on the morning bus ride, but Nakamura had not retrieved it until midday.

Yuuta knew what had happened though, because when he was getting ready to exit the afternoon bus at his stop and he felt a tugging at the back of his jacket. Turning, he saw that Nakamura had a fistful of his jacket in a clamp.

"Stay here." Said Nakamura simply.

Not really caring, Yuuta shrugged and sat down. Probably heartbroken Nakamura needed someone to vent to.

Nakamura dismissed his friends with a wave of his hand.

"What's up, Nakamura?" Yuuta blurted out, unable to restrain himself. "Did you have a good day? I mean, was it excellent? Or did something really bad happen?"

Nakamura smiled mysteriously at these words. Strangely encouraged by his silence, Yuuta continued,

"I hope you had a good day. I mean to say—I hope you didn't have a bad day. Like, I hope you didn't get a letter from your crush saying she doesn't like you because you're uncircumcised or anything. Because that would be totally humiliating."

"It would, wouldn't it?" Commented Nakamura, leaning forward in his seat. "I think I would feel pretty sad if that happened."

Yuuta burst. "You're such a loser!" he cried. "Sitting here, whining about your lost love! You must have been so embarrassed."

"Embarrassed doesn't even begin to cover it. I was absolutely desolate." Oozed Nakamura.

"You had it coming, you bullying sycophant! Oh, and by the way, I sent that letter!" Yuuta cried.

"Yeah, I pretty much knew that from the beginning." Said Nakamura calmly, reclining in his seat.

"What!?" Yuuta was momentarily speechless. "What do you mean?"

"That's actually why I wanted to talk with you. I'm here to give it back." He rummaged through his backpack and produced the letter, handing it over to Yuuta.

"This is impossible!" Yuuta spluttered, unable to accept the letter or the truth. "How could you have known it was me?"

"Dude, it's written on the back of your report card." Said Nakamura, turning it over.

Yuuta said nothing, but slapped his forehead. Drat! How could I have forgotten to write it on a fresh sheet of paper!? He mentally berated himself. Another failed plan.

"It was a nice try." Continued Nakamura. "But way too early to beat me."

Yuuta snatched the letter back, blood pulsing in his temples. "This.....isn't over.....," he breathed.

"I figured." He said. "Do try not to be so pathetic next time, though."

"That was unfair!" Yuuta howled. "You won by default because I was thwarted by one of my two weaknesses: transsexuals and fresh sheets of paper!"

Nakamura chuckled menacingly. "I look forward to future attempts." He said.

"You—you....." Yuuta was shaking badly.

"And by the way," he added, "you've now missed not only your stop, but the one after it and the one after that."

XxXxXxXxXxXx

It took Yuuta three hours to walk home.

He collapsed on his doorstep, too exhausted to even knock, but with a resolve that had never been stronger. It was on. Keisuke Nakamura was going down.

Eventually, when Yuuta's mother came outside to get the mail, she noticed her son curled up on the porch, fast asleep, and carried him in.

The next day was Saturday, so everyone slept in. Yuuta woke, surprised to find himself in his own bed and comfortable. Blinking blearily, he rolled over to one side and appreciated the sparkling sunlight pouring in through the window. There was a slight breeze and a cloudless sky. The tree outside his window waved their merry arms at him. Shimmering green and gold and red and orange......and purple and blue.

Wait.

Yuuta sat up. Since when did trees have blue leaves?

XxX

Yuuta stood on his front porch, clasping the side railing for support and trying not to vomit as he surveyed his yard.

No, he had not been teepee-ed. He had not even been egg-ed.

He had been condom-ed.

There were condoms of every color decorating his entire yard, from end to end. Horrible and moist, swaying in the lovely morning breeze, draped over the bushes, trees, mailbox, flowerbeds......

Yuuta thought he was going to puke. He ventured out into the yard a little further and saw a message written on the path to his house:

AND NEXT TIME, KEEP YOUR STATIONERY KIT WHERE IT BELONGS.

There it was. He should have known there would be a punishment for his failed attempt. Yuuta sank to his knees. In that moment, he felt completely jaded. He felt that there was nothing he could ever do that would be good enough to avenge himself against this sixth grader.

....

....

....

....But then he thought of his brother. He remembered how Syuusuke's eyes would light with a fire whenever he was challenged and he knew: this was not a place to back down. This was....only the beginning. Today there would be no fun and games. First thing, he would formulate his ultimate plan to destroy Keisuke Nakamura. For good.

Well, second thing. First thing would be to clean the garden before his mother and Syuusuke woke.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

One Week Later...

Nakamura woke on Thursday morning at his usual time: after he had hit the snooze button three times. He rose, feeling in quite good spirits about the day ahead. Possibly he would pick up some girls, charm Mayuri a bit, make weekend plans....

His morning routine passed uneventfully; not even a knock was heard on the door from a fuming Yuuta. Yuuta had not come to his house to complain about his latest trick. Nakamura grinned evilly. Served that little brat right. Trying to embarrass me in front of my friends…the fool…he must have finally given up. Haven't seen him here in more than a week.

He ate waffles with yogurt on them for breakfast and brushed his teeth and combed his hair and donned his uniform. For once, Nakamura's sister wasn't hogging the bathroom and he was able to find his backpack in under ten minutes. Nakamura smiled. This day was already going well.

He went outside, contemplating whether to take the bus; he could always get a ride from his mother if he missed it, but if he took it, he could see Mayuri and maybe even pester that Yuuta brat a little more.

Pondering this, Nakamura's thoughts were interrupted by a growling noise. Turning, Nakamura saw his neighbor's dog, a little monster of a bulldog, surveying him and growling as he did so, straining at his chain. The dog was tied to the side of the house. Nakamura considered the animal for a moment before making up his mind to take the bait.

He swaggered up to the dog, careful to keep a distance from it greater than the chain's length.

"Hey there." He said, leaning down to speak to it. "You filthy little beast."

Though he knew the dog couldn't understand him, it was as if it could, for it made a yelping noise, and struggled against the chain again, trying to break free.

Nakamura laughed softly. "You're just a pathetic little beast. You think you're all powerful, but you can't even break a chain. You'll never do anything unless your master lets you."

The dog whined shrilly.

"Don't go all gung-ho on me now." Nakamura joked. He straightened up. "I can't stay and talk, I've got more important things to do than have a one-sided conversation with a creature as disgusting and flea-ridden as you."

Nakamura turned to leave. Teasing animals always made him feel satisfied. At that moment however, Nakamura heard a terrible noise. A rusty clanging noise.

The kind of noise that you hear when a chain has just broken loose from the side of a house.

Nakamura didn't even have time to turn around. He could hear the animal panting at his heels.

Nakamura ran for it. He forgot that he was a cool kid with a reputation to uphold and babes to charm. All that was left in his head was the knowledge that he had to preserve his lovely face.

And so he ran, screaming, across his front yard. The dog followed closely behind, yipping at his heels. He sprinted across the yard to the tree, in an attempt to climb it, but the dog reached him before he could climb out of reach. It leaped up and fastened its jaws around Nakamura's ankle. Nakamura howled in pain and jumped down, frantically swinging his leg to get rid of the beast that had latched on. He managed to swing his leg hard enough to send the dog flying. In the moment where the beast was recovering, Nakamura had a second to wonder why no one in his house could hear this and come help him, but then the dog got back up and with a ferocious yowl, came after him again.

There was no other way. He had to get away from his house, at least to the other side of the street where there was a chance of escaping. Nakamura dodged the animal, leaped over his coiled garden hose and scampered off his driveway and into the street.

The moment that his foot landed on the pavement however, he lost his balance on something extremely slippery on the road and fell hard, landing on his elbows and knees. And then with the sound of the dog barking and his own screaming echoing in his ears, Nakamura heard one last sound—the squealing of tires trying to stop a vehicle when it was already too late.

XxXxXxXxXx

No, he didn't die.

When Nakamura awoke from his brief spell of unconsciousness, he found himself still lying on the pavement in front of his house, and in excruciating pain. He hoisted himself up on his elbows and looked down at his body. What he saw almost made him faint again. His legs were bloody messes, crumpled by the wheels of a vehicle, and looking up, Nakamura saw Yuuta standing over him, looking victorious, in front of the school bus. The kids from school who had been riding it were standing in the background looking utterly shell shocked.

"What now, mister popular? What now!?" Yuuta cried triumphantly. "Who's the pathetic loser now?"

Nakamura stared at the fifth grader. Could it be true? Could all of this morning's on-goings be attributed to this scrawny little kid?

".....what?" He began weakly.

"Ah, ah, silence!" Yuuta ordered. "I suppose you're wondering what's going on. Well, I'll enlighten you, my dim friend. When you destroyed my yard and left me, thinking that I had been defeated, you had apparently taken it for granted that I was any other pussy fifth grader. You forgot.....I am a FUJI!"

Nakamura stared at him. Yuuta smiled fiercely.

"When you thought that you had won, you forgot that I have one tremendous advantage over you: and that is that I know that you are an asshole. Last night, while you were preening before the mirror, I sneaked over to your neighbor's house and warned the nice old lady that lives there that there had been rumors of a burglar in this area. I told her she should be on guard and keep her watchdog outside for the night to scare off anyone. I trusted that if you saw that dog in the morning, you would be such a bastard that you would come and provoke it, causing it to chase you. It seems I was right. I also banked on the fact that you would get so desperate that you would attempt to run across the street in order to lose the dog. Knowing this, I arrived in your neighborhood early this morning and coated the ground before your driveway with fresh condoms. As I thought, in your hurry, you didn't notice them and you slipped on their lubricated-ness. Having already assumed this to be imminent, the only thing left to do was to decide how to hurt you. After giving the matter some thought, I realized that running you over with a school bus would be the most ironic, and therefore, hilarious. So all I had to do was hijack the school bus this morning after it picked me up. I have a special deal with the driver of this bus, and with a little reasoning, it was not hard to persuade him to run you over when we came by your house to "pick you up". Of course, the real challenge was the timing. I had to plan everything just right down to the second so the bus would hit you right after you slipped on the condoms."

Yuuta stopped for breath and everyone stared at him in dead silence. Nakamura looked down at his ruined legs, unable to move at all. "You.....did....this....to me...because of...my pranks?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Yuuta nodded.

"You're CRAZY!" Nakamura screamed. Then his eyes started to water with pain and he let out a sob. "My poor legs! How will I ever play soccer again?"

"Aww, is the baby crying?" Said Yuuta in a mocking voice. "Crybaby. I'll call the doctor, shall I?"

But an ambulance was already pulling up, for one of Nakamura's cronies had come to his senses and phoned 911 while Yuuta had been explaining what had happened.

"Oh my God!" cried the paramedics, leaping out of the ambulance and seeing Nakamura looking terrified and anguished. "Someone get a stretcher, quick!"

Immediately, a stretcher was brought out and Nakamura was slid onto it. He was still repeating, "How will I play soccer again?"

"It looks bad!" yelled one of the paramedics. "His right calf has been completely shattered! And who knows how high the injuries go? We'll have to cut off his pants!"

"NO!" screamed Nakamura, but it was too late. The paramedics tore off his pants to examine the wounds more clearly and everyone in the clearing got a clear view of Nakamura's lack of circumcision.

Mayuri screamed. "That's disgusting!" She cried, and ran away with several of her girlfriends.

Nakamura let out an anguished wail and started to cry.

And Yuuta?

He threw back his head, no, he craned his neck backwards until he had a clear view of the sky above and he laughed and laughed and laughed, clenching fists of victory above his head, until tears rolled down his cheeks and thought he might choke on his own mirth..........

***

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXXxXxXxXxXxXxX

***

.........Fifteen-year-old Yuuta stood before the group of his stunned friends, still laughing.

"Dude...." Shinji began, but then stopped. He didn't even know what to say.

"That was the most messed up story I've ever heard." Said Uchimura finally. "You're crazy."

"Why? Because I stood up for myself?" Yuuta challenged.

"Because you chased a guy with a dog, tripped him on condoms, ran him over with a bus, and exposed his lack of circumcision just for some stupid prank he played!" Cried Touji, looking quite alarmed.

"Seriously, that was the best thing that ever happened to you?" Asked Kirihara. "It kind of sounded more like the most tragic thing that ever happened to Keisuke Nakamura."

"What's the difference?" asked Yuuta. "He was a bastard. He got exactly what he deserved!"

And at that moment, everyone in the room saw something that had been eluding them since the first day they had met Yuuta. Kamio voiced it.

"Proof." He said.

"What?" asked Yuuta. "Proof of what?"

"Yuuta." Said Shinji. He looked at him directly in the eyes. "You are most definitely related to Fuji Syuusuke."

"And I think we've all learned a good lesson," added Ichirou in a shaky voice.

"Yeah," agreed Kirihara. "Don't get on Yuuta's bad side."

Yuuta bowed to thunderous applause.


oOoOo


A/N:

Wow, you don't know how long that story has been in my system. Inspired by actual life experiences, south park, and of course, personal invention.
This may be the last story, though I probably could be persuaded to write another if someone wanted.

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