[11]
The following afternoons were spent in the faculty lounge and Snape found that he was beginning to enjoy the place. However, he did not like it enough to fancy a formal Christmas dinner in there. Actually, he did not fancy a Christmas dinner at all. Or Christmas for that matter. Unfortunately, Minerva McGonagall felt just the opposite. It had been with excitement that she had announced that this year they would not only celebrate Christmas morning with the few remaining students in the Great Hall, but would also have a teachers-only dinner on Christmas eve that would be set up in the faculty lounge. On the 23rd of December Snape wandered into the room in the afternoon and found Sinistra in her usual chair, reading yet another astronomy magazine. He wondered how many subscriptions she must be holding.
"Hello," he said and sat down opposite her. She looked up but did not lower her magazine.
"Hello," she replied but immediately returned to the article she was reading.
Snape leaned back in his chair and opened his book. Most of their afternoons were spent together, yet mostly in silence. Although Sinistra was always polite and reasonably friendly, she was still clearly uneasy and guarded around him. Slowly, he began to suspect that this might not change any time soon.
"How many of these magazines have you been reading this week?" he asked casually.
She looked up again but did not change her posture.
"Lots," she said simply and he rolled his eyes at her famous monosyllabism that he was now treated to just as regularly as everyone else. Her eyes flickered back and she turned a page, eagerly reading into the next one.
"This seems to be a very interesting paper."
"Indeed." This time she did not even look up.
"Are you trying to answer every question I ask with just one word? I don't think I can recall the last time you spoke to me in a full sentence!" Snape found himself complaining.
"Monday." She said which finally made him explode.
"Aurora!"
"Severus?"
"You cannot be serious. I thought we had agreed to be civil again."
She finally lowered her magazine and placed it onto the table next to her.
"I am civil. You cannot expect me to just go back to normal, whatever that is when it comes to you. Last week I thought that I probably could, I even tried but it feels wrong."
He furrowed his brow. "Wrong?"
She shrugged. "I thought it would be childish to hold a grudge against you due to the simple fact that you do not love me. I mean, no one can control who they do or do not love, can they? But you were acting like a bastard and that is your way of acting in general. Anyway, I feel like I am betraying myself when I just pretend that nothing happened."
"What do you propose? Should we ignore each other again?"
"No. I just don't want to chat right now."
She reached for her magazine but he sprang forwards and firmly placed his hand onto hers so she was unable to lift it.
"What?"
"Is this really everything there is to it, Aurora?" he asked.
"Of course!" she snapped and he sighed.
"I am sorry for acting like such a mean bastard."
"You are a mean bastard," she pointed out, but her tone of voice was calm.
"You are right. I know that what I did was wrong but sometimes I just cannot help myself."
She slowly shook her head. "That is not a proper apology." When he looked stricken she forcefully pulled her hand out from under his. "Could you please take your hand off my magazine now?"
He grudgingly pulled his hand back and allowed her to pick up her reading material. Somehow now that most of the students had left, the unusual quietness of the corridors seemed to creep into the teacher's lounge and Snape felt uneasy. Sinistra was once again engrossed in her reading and was twisting a strand of her hair between her fingertips.
She was right. He had been really rough on her. Snape felt ashamed but he had no idea how to redeem himself.
"Would you mind if I escorted you from your tower to the dinner tomorrow night?" he asked, having decided to show some goodwill.
"That is very kind of you but I will accompany Minerva and her nephew to Hogsmeade for a cup of tea before that. He is going to spend Christmas with us this year."
Snape was surprised to hear that she would voluntarily leave the castle with all the snow outside just to be social.
"Who is Minerva's nephew?" he asked with upwelling suspicion, trying not to sound too eager to find out.
"Aesculapius McGonagall. He is her younger brother's son and was two years ahead of me in Hogwarts."
"Ah," Snape said then left her to her magazine with a definite sense of foreboding.
When Snape entered the faculty lounge on Christmas eve, he had to admit that the house elves had done a formidable job. The large table was set for six on the one end while an ocean of candles inhabited the other. In front of the window stood three small Christmas trees whose branches were bowing with the weight of silver tinsel. Minerva had requested them to dress formally so Snape had left his cloak in his dungeons. Hagrid, who was already there, pouring firewhiskey for Trelawney, had made more effort and was wearing a hideous dinner jacket that looked several sizes too small. Trelawney was dressed in a sparkly green dress that was faintly reminiscent of Luna Lovegood. They made quite the pair.
"Ah, Professor Snape!" Hagrid lifted one of his paws and waved. "Would you like a little appetizer?" He poured a generous splash of brown liquid into one of the water glasses and held it out for Snape who accepted it without making a fuss.
"Oh, Severus." Trelawney looked stricken as she grabbed his free hand without asking for permission and stared at his palm as if there was actually something to see. "You will experience something rather horrible tonight!"
Snape rolled his eyes and was about to say "Your company, I presume." but then restrained himself. Sinistra had been right when she had said that he was a bastard. Well maybe she had exaggerated a bit with that. He was simply a bit unpleasant at times, wasn't he?
"That is unfortunate," he replied evenly to which she shook her head with exaggerated concern and pressed her lips together.
"Poor, poor Severus."
Snape was spared the details of his upcoming predicament as the door opened and Minerva McGonagall walked in, wearing elegant dark green velvet robes. Her eyes were alight with laughter when she patted a tall handsome man on the shoulder. The two of them were followed by Aurora Sinistra who was wearing a knee-length midnight-blue dress that was simple but flattering. While Aesculapius walked towards their small group, Snape watched Minerva give Sinistra an encouraging pat on the shoulder.
"Hello, Professor Snape!" Aesculapius had already accepted a glass of firewhiskey from Hagrid and seemed to have very quickly charmed Professor Trelawney into oblivion. The divination professor was grinning ecstatically and her eyes held an unmistakable brightness.
"Good evening, Mr McGonagall," Snape replied coolly.
"It is technically Dr McGonagall since I work at Saint Mungo's," the younger man replied, his eyes assessing Snape.
"I see," Snape drawled dangerously.
"Ah, I see you two have met!" McGonagall gushed. "You know, Severus. I think I forgot to mention it to you: My favorite nephew has spent a lot of time abroad so I am glad he is back in the country again to celebrate with us."
Sinistra stepped into their circle and smiled gingerly. She seemed a little uncomfortable.
"We had the most enjoyable afternoon," Dr McGonagall said and lightly touched Sinistra's elbow. "I haven't been in this place for ages but I still remembered that the snow up here is perfect for snowballs."
"I remember that from my time as a pupil!" Hagrid's voice boomed happily. "Blimey, did we have fights down there!"
"Aesculapius found it inappropriate to attack his aunt so I was his number one target today," Sinistra said sharply. Dr McGonagall turned towards her and gave her a boyish grin.
"You stopped me pretty quickly, though."
"She sent a hex at a branch and made it tremble so it dumped its contents onto Aesculapius here," McGonagall explained. "And he deserved it!" She elbowed her nephew's side fondly. Snape felt faintly sick.
"Yes, Aurora is a piece of work," Dr McGonagall teased the astronomy professor who gave him a dark smile in return. Snape felt a bit of jealously welling up inside him but then he immediately came to realize that the feeling was entirely misplaced with the two of them.
"Aura is the little sister I never had," Dr McGonagall said with a twinkle in his eyes and he put his hand on her shoulder.
"If I had had a big brother like you I would have most likely been killed by a snowball during the early years," Sinistra replied sarcastically.
McGonagall led the way towards the table and sat down next to her nephew and Sinistra so Snape had no choice but to take the chair next to Trelawney. Fortunately, she did not seem to notice him due to the fact that she was too busy enthusing over Dr McGonagall.
The conversation moved away from the possible repercussions of their being siblings towards other topics and even the – except for misplaced prophecies - usually rather quiet Professor Trelawney contributed, her voice an octave higher than usual. Snape watched Sinistra pick her food. She looked a little pale and her hair was nowhere near as well done as it had been at the Yule Ball.
"You said you only had one nice dress," he said.
"Excuse me?" she looked up from her food, puzzled.
"At the Yule Ball. You said the black one had been your only nice dress. You did not tell the truth."
She shook her head and lowered her fork before she bent forward slightly.
"Leave it to you to disguise a compliment so well that it sounds like an insult."
Snape cocked an eyebrow. "I was just trying not to be a horrible bastard for once," he said conversationally.
"I am not sure charming gentleman is in your repertoire so maybe you should...well, not try," she replied and returned to her turkey.
"Well, Dr McGonagall! I see brightness and light in your future!" Trelawney almost giggled, her glass dangling from her hand in a gesture that looked a little dangerous despite the fact that it was probably meant to look alluring. Inevitably, Snape's and Sinistra's eyes met in mutual horror. Trelawney on the prowl was something neither of them wished to witness.
"That is nice, but please call me Aesculapius."
"Oh, well. Then you will have to call me Sybil in return!" Trelawney said with snicker that sounded a bit as if she was choking.
"If she bends forward a little more she is going to fall into her own food," Snape whispered across the table and Sinistra rolled her eyes, though obviously amused.
"A galleon if she does not drop that glass within the next half hour," she whispered back which caused Minerva to give her a stern look.
"Aurora, it is not very nice to make fun of Sybil!" she hissed at the younger professor and dropped a large spoonful of vegetables onto her plate, making it look like a punishment. Sinistra looked mutinous while she used her fork to push the vegetables aside in order to be able to access the meat again.
"I like Christmas! Everything sparkles!" Trelawney was saying in a loud and breathless voice, one of her hands risen towards the chandelier above her in a grand gesture. Sinistra began to laugh and choked on her drink. McGonagall patted her back, looking slightly amused herself.
"What's so funny, Aura?" the nephew asked cheekily.
"Nothing," she coughed while Snape hid his smile in his goblet. Hagrid's firewhiskey was already beginning to take effect and he felt light-hearted at the comforting notion that he was no longer a double-agent who was prone to being summoned by either side at any moment. He might as well get a little drunk. If it became too much he could always excuse himself on short notice and retire to his quarters.
The evening went on to be enjoyable as Trelawney's attempts to flirt with the polite but unresponsive Dr McGonagall were quite entertaining. Even Sinistra lightened up a bit despite the fact that her overall mood seemed not very festive. Snape also liked to see McGonagall enjoy herself in the company of her nephew and colleagues. It showed on her face, too, that it had been a hard year for all of them. They had lost so many and gained so little.
After dinner they moved to the assortment of armchairs with some after dinner cocktails and chocolates. Sinistra took her accustomed chair but Snape had to contend himself with the one next to McGonagall's, since his usual seat was already taken by the charming doctor.
Snape pretended to listen to Hagrid's tales of the Forbidden Forest – who knew that Sprout secretly grew a colony of carnivorous plants there – while he was actually more interested in what Sinistra and Dr McGonagall had to say to each other. Maybe this was an opportunity to find out what was off with the astronomy professor. And he was lucky since after a little chit-chat, Dr McGonagall cut right to the chase.
"You know why I am really here, Aura. This is not the place for you right now," Snape hear him whisper.
"I see. As always, you side with your aunt," Sinistra said evasively.
"Don't be silly! Someone here wants to kill you. Why would you want to stay?"
Sinistra sighed impatiently. "I have classes to teach. Why does everyone always assume that astronomy was a subject so unimportant that the professor's absence would not matter?"
"You are in mortal danger and besides, I am sure Minerva would find a substitute for you!"
Snape heard Sinistra's dress rustle as she leaned forward. "I don't want to leave and I doubt that anyone will manage to attack me again. I watch what I eat and drink and if it is really students who have it out for me, I can do away with them should they dare to openly attack me!"
"Aurora, your lessons with Professor Snape may have helped overcome your total inability to perform those spells but you told me yourself that you are missing years of experience. Especially if they outnumber you, you will not stand a chance."
Sinistra was beginning to become impatient.
"I don't want to run away from it all, Aesculapius! I am not a coward who flees to London when things get difficult," she protested.
"But it would be the sensible thing to do! It is nothing to do with cowardice to protect oneself, Aurora."
"I am fine and I will do my best to find whomever wants to kill me."
Now it was Dr McGonagall's turn to exhale with irritation.
"Aurora, honestly. We both know that you hate to leave your tower. What do you want to do? Stalk the corridors alone at night to find the evildoers? Please."
Sinistra sighed and continued in a more placatory tone. "What would I be doing in London? Hang around your house and annoy your house elves?"
"Would you like to know what I think? I think you are not staying because of some misplaced bravado but because you want to stay close to Snape." The aforementioned could barely understand what the other man was saying as he had lowered his voice so much.
"That is most certainly not the case, believe me. I found it important for us to be on speaking terms again but I realized that spending time with him still feels extremely awkward."
"That is because he consciously makes you feel awkward, Aura. The man is incredibly difficult. Did you really think you could change him?"
Sinistra sounded positively indignant now. "No. And I don't want to! He is unpleasant but so am I!"
"You don't yell at students for nothing and give them detention for being in a good mood!" Dr McGonagall argued and Snape was beginning to dislike him.
"That is not what I mean, Aesculapius. Yes, I am furious at him for acting the way he did but I can hardly hide from him all the time. Being angry with someone is just so damn hard when you have to sit next to them at the dinner table every day."
"You mean when you're in love with them no matter what they are like, Aurora." Dr McGonagall's voice was soft and Snape watched from the corner of his eye as he placed a comforting hand on Sinistra's arm. "You do hope that he will eventually come around, don't you?"
Sinistra shook her head and even from where Snape stood, he could see that she was telling the truth: "No, I don't believe that. I doubt he is even capable of loving me. I am not staying because of him, do you understand that?"
"Then why do you?"
She sounded sad when she replied. "This is my home and has been for years. My life in the muggle world was not especially pleasant. This is the first place I have felt comfortable again."
"Are you now finally ready to talk about that time?"
There was a short silence before Sinistra answered. "There is nothing to tell. I am not very social and I only slowly got used to the muggles' way of life so I did not really make any friends, can we leave it at that? Now I don't want to leave Hogwarts and be thrown into a new situation again. I don't want to be forced to meet new people and find a new job. I would hate it."
"Aura, you are a lovely person. You just have to be a bit more outgoing."
"But I don't want to be!" She was almost pleading with him to understand her and Snape could now hear her well since she had raised her voice from the whisper it had been before. "I feel safe here."
"But, Aura. Here is where you are not safe at all!" When she did not answer, he tried again: "Please, try to be reasonable. You would not have to stay forever. A few weeks could be enough. What are you trying to punish yourself for?"
"I am not trying to punish myself," she protested. "I am angry with the people who attacked me so I do not want to give them the satisfaction of seeing that they have driven me out of Hogwarts. I am not leaving and I can take care of myself."
Her last words sounded final and when Snape turned to get a better look at the two of them, he saw that they had both leaned back in their chairs and were staring at each other like two dogs that were about to start fighting.
"I'll put flowers on your grave, Aura," Dr McGonagall said after a long period of silence between them.
"Please try to remember for once that I don't like baby's breath," Sinistra retaliated. After a while Dr McGonagall finally reached out a hand and gallantly helped her to her feet. "Come on. Let's have some chocolates," he said indulgently.
Snape tuned back in to Hagrid's account of some teacher's extracurricular activities in the forest. It seemed that he had once caught Professor Flitwick trying to teach himself some sort of muggle sport that involved a big orange ball and a net. Apparently, his attempts had not been very successful. Nobody had noticed the fact that Snape had been listening into another conversation so he found it safe to stare at his shoes and ponder what he had just heard.
Obviously, Dr McGonagall had been put up to confronting Sinistra by the headmistress who wanted her tucked away safely in London. Sinistra, however, was stubborn as usual and made it very clear that she was not staying back because of Snape. Had she really already resigned herself to the fact that he could never love her? It was hardly surprising actually, since after all, he had given her every reason to believe that he had a heart of stone and did not care for her. Slowly he turned around and looked at his fellow professor who was talking to her old friend again, a box of chocolates between them. She looked relaxed when she was with him and less guarded. Snape was longing to talk to an old friend himself. Someone he could trust, someone who knew his story and would not judge him. Someone like Albus Dumbledore.
Minerva had changed the password of the headmaster's office to "kitty cat" which Snape now snarled as he approached. The office lay in darkness and he waved his wand to light some of the candles in the chandelier above the headmistress' desk. While his walk had been brisk on his way from the faculty lounge, Snape now took slow, almost hesitant steps towards Dumbledore's portrait behind the desk. The former headmaster was lovingly stroking the red feathers of his phoenix who sat on his arm, resting its head against the old wizard's shoulder. Dumbledore was wearing the robes he had died in and Snape couldn't help but flinch at the sight. He had been talking to the portrait very frequently during his own time as headmaster, but now he felt suddenly self-conscious. The mission was over and this was a private matter so he was unsure how to approach it.
"Severus," the old man's voice sounded just like it had in life. "I was waiting for you to come around. Please sit, I am sure Minerva will not mind."
Snape lowered himself to the high-backed chair and that was already turned around to face the portrait as if he had been expected. As it had always been with Albus Dumbledore, there was no awkward silence.
"You have fulfilled your duties very well, Severus. I am glad that you have survived unscathed."
Snape just bowed his head, being the private man that he was.
"Minerva also told me about your fondness for our professor of astronomy, Severus. A good choice I might say. She has an arrogant nose but it's deceiving. She is a lovely girl once you get to know her."
Snape hadn't been sure what exactly it was he wanted to talk about when he arrived, but Dumbledore had always known before he had himself. There had been times when Snape had suspected him of being a secret Leglimens. A portrait, however, could hardly read his thoughts, could it?
"She is very engaging," he murmured.
Dumbledore folded his hands in his lap and watched Snape over the rim of his spectacles.
"So what keeps you? Minerva has told me that you are being drawn towards her but seem to be eager to resist."
Snape looked at his shoes. "It does not feel right."
"Because of Lily Potter?" The portrait chuckled to which Snape looked up angrily.
"What is so funny about that?"
"It has been so many years, Severus, and you are still holding yourself captive."
"Holding myself captive?" Snape echoed. Somehow he had expected the chat with his former headmaster to be a lot more pleasant.
"I have now known you for a long time, Severus. Much longer than since the day you came back to me to warn me about Voldemort's plan to attack the Potters."
"What do you mean?"
"I have seen you with Lily Evans when you were students, Severus. You were completely gone when she was around you." Dumbledore's portrait chuckled again at the memory and he twirled his wand between his fingers.
"It is not like that with Sinistra," Snape blurted out. "I don't get weak in the knees when I see her."
Snape was not sure how much a portrait could do but he was almost certain that Dumbledore's likeness was just pretending to study his wand to give him a false sense of security before he delivered the blow: "You should know the difference between love and obsession by now, Severus," he said kindly but firmly.
Snape angrily rose from the chair but found that standing did not give him any advantage over Dumbledore's highly mounted portrait.
"Are you alleging that I did not love Lily? That it was merely an obsession? How dare you?"
Dumbledore looked a little aghast. "No, of course not, Severus. Love and obsession are not exclusive. I am sure you love her very much. Please sit down! What I meant was that you could not have Lily because she loved another. Love is physically felt the strongest when it is unrequited, Severus."
Snape was unsure what to say.
"Think about it, Severus. If one of them is dead, there is no harm in loving two women at the same time. You are not betraying one of them, especially not Lily," Dumbledore said kindly. "If you seek out someone's company and laugh with them, if you enjoy their touch, are concerned for their well-being and miss them when they are gone, it seems reasonable to assume, that love might possibly be part of it."
"How would you know, Albus. You have never seen me with Aurora."
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes briefly. Suddenly, the old headmaster looked sleepy. "Minerva tells me a lot, Severus..." he murmured, his voice hoarse with relaxation.
"But how do I know that I love her?" Snape asked, suddenly self-conscious because he was pleading with a portrait. "How can I be sure?"
He waited for a reply but none came. Only a loud snoring greeted him, when he stood up, waiting with his arms folded in front of his chest.
"Albus?"
There was no answer so Snape sighed and turned around to leave. When he looked back over his shoulder, however, he saw that Dumbledore had opened one eye to peek at him.
"I see, you want me to find out myself," he said coolly.
"Always the Leglimens, Severus."
When Snape reentered the faculty lounge, Sinistra was sitting next to Trelawney and Hagrid at the dinner table and watched them play what looked an awful lot like a drinking game while Minerva and her nephew were standing a little aside. No one noticed Snape's reappearance as Hagrid and Trelawney had started to engage in drunken bickering.
"I can't believe her!" Dr McGonagall was just telling his aunt. "Severus Snape of all people in the world? He was creepy even when he was a child and just because he has a chocolate frog card now, he is Prince Charming?"
"He is a good man under the cold surface, Aesculapius. He just needs a little time."
"Maybe- but I feel like cursing him. Look what he did to Aurora. She does not show it but it hurts her."
"And you could absolutely not get her to leave?"
"No, I couldn't. I am sorry, Aunt Minerva but I was completely unsuccessful."
Minerva sighed. "So was I, my dear, so was I..." She stopped when she caught sight of Snape. "Severus! Where have you been?"
Snape swept closer, aware of the doctor's appraising eyes on him as he approached them. "I thought I heard a student who was up to something but it turned out that it was just an owl caught in the woodwork."
Snape bowed his head politely and was about to walk towards the table when Dr McGonagall grabbed his arm. He was taller than Snape but that did not intimidate him.
"Listen to me, Snape. I am only going to say this once: Keep your hands off Aurora!"
"What are you talking about?" Snape's voice sounded thin with anger.
"You know exactly what I mean. Aurora doesn't want me to..." his opponent began but McGonagall was suddenly very quick to remove her nephew.
"Come with me at once!" She commanded sternly. "I need you to help me instruct the house elves." He winced at her firm grasp but allowed her to lead him away, scowling at Snape from afar. The potions master found himself still trembling slightly and turned around briskly, intent not to let anyone notice his state when he approached the dining table.
"Who says I can't win?" Trelawney slurred, accidentally knocking over her glass. Sinistra cleaned the table with a bored flick of her wand and then popped her chin up on her hand again, watching Hagrid throw the dice.
"Six! You won again, you baschtard..." Trelawney giggled in a muffled voice.
"Now, what is this mortifying affair?" Snape snarled.
"Oh thank Merlin, Severus," Sinistra said. "I didn't think I would be able to put up with these two any longer." She threw a long look at her drunk colleagues and turned back to Snape. "Where are Minerva and Aesculapius?"
"Off instructing house elves," Snape said quickly.
Sinistra gave him a look that spoke of disbelief but said nothing.
"I overheard you and Dr McGonagall earlier," Snape opened the conversation swiftly. "Maybe it would be best if you went to London for a while."
"Still eavesdropping, Severus," she said sharply. "When did that ever turn out well for you?"
"ANOTHER SIX - I CANNOT TAKE IT!"
Sinistra rolled her eyes at Trelawney's exclamation and winced slightly when she heard a glass shatter on the floor behind her.
"Look, I will not have this discussion with you, Severus."
"I didn't think so," he said with a sly smile. "So I have a different proposal."
"Which is...?" Sinistra looked mildly intrigued.
"If you are staying here you will have to be able to protect yourself. I would recommend we continue our lessons."
She looked astonished for a moment then shook her head slightly. "I don't know, Severus..."
"Admit it, Aurora. You must be bored. Minerva treats you with kid gloves and everyone else is, too. You were once very skilled and you can become very skilled again if you work hard."
A variety of emotions crossed Sinistra's face before she shook her head again, more authoritatively this time.
"You are right, I will have to practice but I would prefer someone else to teach me."
Snape did his best not to look stung.
"Someone else?"
She was clearly uncomfortable but did not look away. "Your company does not benefit me right now. It makes me jumpy and puts me in a bad mood."
Her answer was far from conclusive but Snape did not know exactly how to gently point that out to her.
"Look, what I said to you in the dungeons was outrageous. I was extremely embarrassed by what had happened with Mr Nashkins in the potions class and somehow I thought I could protect myself if I didn't show them any weakness."
Sinistra's eyebrow twitched with annoyance. "That is not an explanation why you treated me like a silly school girl down there. I was worried for you and you brushed me off just like that. Besides, what did you think you had to protect yourself from? Me?"
Snape felt cornered but he decided to put up with it. "I hated that everyone was talking about us after Sybil's unfortunate display at breakfast."
"That's all?" she asked incredulously. "You were embarrassed?"
In vain, Snape tried to come up with the words to explain to her what it meant to him to be ridiculed without actually telling her about the horrible afternoon in the school grounds specifically or his time in Hogwarts in general.
"I was," he answered and noticed immediately that his voice was uncharacteristically quiet. He felt naked. "Very much. I thought I might be unable to teach properly if everyone laughed at me about it."
Sinistra shook her head. "I was bothered, too, Severus. A little girl from my class of Hufflepuff first years asked me whether I would get married to you now."
"What did you do?" Snape asked.
"I threw a killing curse at her and no one has found her corpse yet," Sinistra said in an eery voice, then waved it off. "No. I took twenty points from Hufflepuff and told her that she might be more successful in minding her own business if she had more work to do for school. So I gave the whole class a lot of homework that day."
Snape shook his head in appreciation. "I did not know you could be so mean. That was so unfair that it was worthy of myself."
Sinistra looked suitably guilty. "I tend to overreact a bit, sometimes. Of course my overreactions are not prone to landing me in Askaban unlike some other professors'."
"Thank you for reminding me," Snape growled. "Anyway, I am very sorry for being a bastard and I would like for you to finally accept my apology." He had spoken the words quickly and quietly and he was sure that she had noticed how uncomfortable he felt, talking to her like that. He hoped that she would not hold it against him.
"I could forgive you, but I don't think I could..."
He grabbed her hand to get her attention and stop her from finishing her sentence.
"Look..." He tried very hard not to hate himself before he had even said the dreaded three words. "I missed you. I still miss our companionship. It is not the same now."
"But how about the students?" Sinistra asked. "Nothing has changed since the day you hexed Salazar Nashkins. How can you suddenly not care about the school gossip anymore?"
"I cannot deny that I still do, but I found that sometimes I have the wrong priorities."
She leaned into him and gave him a hard stare. "I don't trust you with this, Severus. You are unpredictable. One moment you are incredibly sweet to me and then suddenly you completely lose it and start yelling at me for nothing. I do not wish to subject myself to such behavior anymore."
He leaned into her, too, not ready to give up yet although he was not prepared to beg.
"Listen, Aurora. I am difficult, I know that. I am trying my best but I also know that there must be something else. I am a Leglimens but I don't need to use that ability to be able to read people. Something is wrong with you that you are not telling me about and I believe that I cannot tell you what you want to hear from me before I know what it is."
Sinistra pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes but said nothing.
"If you were able to read people as well as you think, you would know what it is," she said provocatively.
"Hagrid, you must be cheating. This cannot be right!" They turned around at the sound of Trelawney's outraged voice. Her face was flushed and her fists were waving in the air as if she was trying to hit invisible opponents. Hagrid grinned helplessly at the professors.
"Sybil," Snape said poignantly. "Aurora and I are trying to have a civilized conversation here and we do not wish to be interrupted. Would you please consider retreating to your quarters now to spare yourself and everyone else the embarrassment of your drunken state?"
To his horror, Trelawney's lip quivered and she raised her long slim hands towards her face to cover her eyes. It seemed, that the divinations professor was a depressed drunk after all.
"You are being so mean, Severus," she lamented, then began to cry with long sniffles and a cascade of tears that ran down her cheeks.
"Take this," Sinistra handed her a clean white handkerchief and Sybil accepted it, then blew her nose noisily. "How do you keep up with that horrible, horrible man?" Sybil whined.
"He is horrible, but he might be right. Why don't you go and lay down for a bit, Sybil?" Sinistra coaxed her. "Maybe Hagrid can accompany you to your tower to see you home safely?"
The half-giant nodded eagerly, obviously glad to be able to help.
"O-Okay..." Trelawney said and wiped the remaining tears from her face. She held out her hand to give Sinistra her handkerchief back, but the younger witch raised her own hands in silent protest.
"No, no. Keep it."
"You are so kind, Aurora. So kind!" Trelawney said and patted Sinistra's arm when she passed her. "But be careful. Someone wants to kill you!"
She walked out on Hagrid's arm and Sinistra turned back towards Snape. "Yes, I sort of knew that already."
He did not find her dryly stated remark very funny and so he just looked at her sternly. Now that they were alone, he was beginning to feel slightly nervous again. Sinistra leaned back against the dinner table, both hands around its edge and looked at him defiantly. She, like him, seemed to be out of words to say to resolve the tension. Their relationship was like a vicious circle, Snape thought. Whenever one of them said anything, it would come across wrong somehow and the other would feel appalled. For every good thing that happened, one of them did something to push the other away.
They stood facing each other, motionless for now.
Snape thought about what Dumbledore had said. Maybe it was wrong to always compare and to choose a definition of love and then try to match the facts to it. He should probably turn his overactive brain off for a while and just feel. Unfortunately, logical thinking and repressing emotions had been pretty much everything he had been doing during the past two decades. Going back was far more difficult than he had imagined.
Despite himself he awkwardly reached out for her and stepped closer to be able to comfortably place his hand on top of hers. Her skin was soft and warm and he slowly proceeded to wrap his fingers around hers. He looked down at their now joined hands and found it a comfortable sight. Equally slowly, he brushed a strand of hair away from her forehead with his other hand, then rested his palm against her cheek. Sinistra's face was unreadable but her breath quickened ever so slightly.
"Please, don't," she finally said and the spell was broken instantly. He took a step back and she straightened up, stepping away from the table and from him.
"Maybe it would be best if I did go to London after all," she said quietly and Snape had no idea how to react.
"What did bring about this change of heart?"
"I can't do this with you anymore, I'm sorry. I don't feel myself able to be around you."
She turned around to leave and he helplessly watched her approach the door.
"Tell me what's wrong!" he finally called after her.
She paused, one hand already on the old wood of the door.
"Believe me, you don't want to know."
"Leave that decision to me."
He followed her across the room and stood close to her in much the same intimidating fashion he used with first years. She seemed only mildly impressed.
"You have never been as evasive as you are now, Aurora. It would make things... infinitely easier if you could just tell me what's wrong so we can find a solution to that problem."
She took a deep breath. "I don't think there is much of a solution, Severus." She looked at a point beyond his shoulder to avoid his eyes but he stepped to the side to catch her eyes.
"Tell me," he said in an adjuratory voice.
"I'm..." she shook her head and her voice became audibly firmer. "Minerva and Aesculapius are right. I'm going to London."
- to be continued -
