A/N: I'm on a role with this tonight. I feel oddly inspired!
To Break and Build: Chapter 10
Allie huddled there on the bathroom floor for the rest of the night, dozing in and out of consciousness until the faint sound of voices in the hallway outside her dorm woke her and signaled the arrival of morning. Stretching her stiff muscles, she clambered to her feet and gazed at her pasty reflection in the mirror. She wasn't going to think about what she had dreamed the night before, or she might not make it through the day. Block it out.
As she slowly cracked open the door and ventured out into the room, she suddenly realized with a plunging feeling in her stomach that she had to go to that dreaded counseling session this morning. The paper had said the meeting was mandatory, and she couldn't afford missing it and possibly getting kicked out of Bakersfield, much as the thought of having to talk to someone terrified her. Cursing Tess under her breath for reporting her to the Wellness Department, she quickly hopped in the shower and threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, then tiptoed over to Ginny's bed to check on her roommate. Contrary to what she had expected, the girl was awake, eyes dull and still red-rimmed from the night before. Allie tentatively reached out and stroked back some of her hair. "Gin? How are you feeling?"
"I should ask you the same question."
Allie sighed. "Don't worry about me, okay? I want you to take care of yourself."
Tears leaked out of Ginny's eyes. "What's the point? I'm nothing without Jason."
Horrified, Allie gasped. "Ginny, that's ridiculous. Jason is a freaking moron for how he treats you." Desperately, she checked her watch. She was supposed to meet the counselor in ten minutes, but she didn't want to leave her roommate alone in this state. Her heart began pounding from the pressure of it all. Finally, she made her decision and leaned over to give Ginny a hug. "I'm so sorry, girl, but I gotta run. I've got…something I have to do." Her friend didn't respond, and Allie shifted nervously back and forth from foot to foot before grabbing her bag and heading out the door. The consequences of disobeying the notice could be too severe.
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Clutching the slip of paper with the room number to the counselor's office in her hand, Allie jogged down the long hallways of the Administrative Building until she spotted the brass plague that said 305 over one of the closed doors. Steeling herself with a deep breath, she unconsciously did something she hadn't done in a long time, something that had been second nature to her as a child. She prayed. Please, God, don't let this go horribly. She started in surprise when she realized what she had done. She was supposed to be angry at God.
Knocking lightly, she entered the office, a cozy room with two plush pink sofas, beige carpeting, and small wooden desk in the corner. She gasped when she saw who sat behind it.
"Monica! Sorry…I must have the wrong room."
The Irish angel smiled kindly up at her. "Hello, Allie. Don't worry, you're in the right place."
Allie mouth dropped open and a numb feeling of horror washed over her. Monica was her counselor? She had treasured her camaraderie with the woman the other day, and now it felt tainted to her. The woman knew all about her breakdown, and it felt humiliating.
Monica, however, didn't treat her as if she were fragile or diseased, but simply motioned over to one of the couches and invited her to sit. Warily, Allie slunk over and perched down on the edge of the cushions, eyes darting around the room. She feared Monica might read her secrets in their sunken depths.
"Allie." The angel began gently. "Your resident director, Tess, recently filled out a report about a disturbance that occurred in your dorm room. I want to assure you that you're not in trouble. We're simply worried about you and want to make sure you're alright."
I'm fine. The phrase formed at the tip of her tongue, but for once, Allie held back from uttering the words aloud. This time, the thought of saying them made her feel desperately lonely. Swallowing that stubborn lump in her throat, she let her eyes continually wander until they fell on something she hadn't noticed before. Above Monica's desk hung an embroidered poem, soft rose colored letters against a white knitted background. Transfixed, she began to read.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
The poem squeezed at Allie's heart and made her want to cry even more. Her youth pastor had recited that long ago in one of her Sunday school classes, and she had always found a comforting magic in those words. Trembling, she turned to face Monica. "Can I ask you a question? It's about that poem on the wall. I used to hear it as a little girl."
Monica turned to glance at the Footprints poem, smiled, and sent a hearty prayer of thanks up to the Father. While decorating her office the other day with the collection of objects and furniture that God had bestowed her with, she had seen the poem and felt struck by it. The Almighty, of course, must have had a plan ready in sending the embroidered hanging her way.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Monica commented. "What would you like to ask?"
"Well…that part about God carrying you through bad times…do you think it's true?"
Monica smiled. "I believe it with all my heart, Allie. God would never forsake his children, especially in their darkest hours."
"Really? Cause I've heard otherwise."
Monica's expression turned to one of deep concern. "Whoever told you that, Allie, is very wrong. God is always here for us."
The lines that formed around the girl's eyes made her look beyond her years. Two tears streamed down her cheeks in spite of herself.
"Sweetheart, talk to me. I can see something's deeply bothering you, and I'm here to listen. Your file here says that you're only seventeen and that you're emancipated. College is a lot to handle enough as it is, and you've started a year early. It's completely understandable if you're under stress." Monica took a deep breath and prepared to ask a question that could very well cause the tenuous thread of communication between them to unravel, but she had to venture it as some point. "What happened with your family and your parents? Why aren't they supporting you?"
Allie's entire body tensed up like a hunted animal preparing for flight. Monica wanted to go over to the sofa and put her arms around the girl to calm her, but she wasn't sure if Allie would feel comfortable with such a gesture yet, so she stayed put. "It's okay if you don't want to answer right away," she soothed, trying to get their conversation back on track. She didn't want Allie to completely shut down again. "But I would like you to come back and try to talk to me about it at some point, because I can see it's very upsetting to you. Do you think you can do that?"
Allie allowed her gaze to connect with Monica's gentle brown eyes for at least a moment. The idea of talking about her parents made her incredibly fearful, yet the feeling struck her that if she ever did manage to breach that subject, it would be with someone like Monica. Or Gloria, even. It was strange that these two people had come into her life at the same time, and even stranger still that she now considered confiding something she had vowed to keep secret forever. "I don't know if I could tell you everything about what happened with my family, but maybe I can come back and talk about it a tiny bit," she hedged.
Monica smiled warmly. "A wee bit is better than nothing," she thought to herself. As the girl rose from the sofa and slung her book bag over her shoulder, Monica reached out and put a gentle hand on her arm. "I want you to know that I'm not just your counselor, Allie. I want to be your friend too. My door is always open, and anytime you need to talk, come right in," she urged. Allie thanked her and headed out the door. Never had she expected to exit that counseling session feeling a little bit lighter, but she did all the same. She walked a couple of paces, found a bench to sit down at, and unzipped the front pocket to her backpack. She then pushed her hand into the secret compartment and pulled out a gold cross on a chain that she had kept hidden there. "I love you, and I would never, ever leave you." The words from the poem echoed in her head as she tentatively fastened the cross around her neck and hid it under the collar of her sweatshirt, hoping beyond hope that they might be true.
