==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==
It was interesting to do this 'shotgun' with Dean. To his understanding, shotgun can now mean either the weapon, the front passenger side of a vehicle and now, apparently this. Human euphemisms can be difficult to keep track of. In order to do this, he and Dean moved closer than Dean usually allowed him. The concept of personal space was something he did not understand until he became human. Especially after…the incident happened. Whenever anyone was near, he was nearly paralyzed with fear, even if it was Dean.
Right now though, and earlier in the library he allowed Dean to be near him, and vice versa. The marijuana was already relaxing him and he watched this peculiar film. However he suspended his usual skepticism for Dean and relaxed against him. With Dean's arm holding him as he laid his laid his head on his chest, he could hear Dean's heartbeat. He tuned out the film, becoming suddenly tired again. The effects of his medication and weed were making him sleepy.
There was more to it though. Dean was being more than just there in words, he was there wholly for him. Since the incident he felt less than even human, he felt…small and weak. He was once an angel of the lord, able to fly in the space between worlds, seen life begin on this planet, feared no evil or mortal being. He also had little knowledge on human sexuality and its attendant emotions, not to mention the social ramifications. When he did that scene back in Colorado, he had his first true sexual experience. And all the while he was pleasuring himself, he was thinking of Dean.
Thinking of Dean in a sexual context was entirely new to him. Now looking at his memories through a human mind though, he could sense that there was underlying attraction for Dean that he always had. At first he thought as an angel it stemmed from his lifting Dean out of the pit that leant to the bond they shared. As the years went by though, he grew more and more attached to humanity, to the Winchesters, to Dean. The hunter was the first to set free his conscious, allowed him to feel as no other being had. Dean was the one to unlock the shackles that kept his own free will chained…not once but twice. Was it an inevitability that their relationship would reach such a place?
If he was an angel still, it was unlikely. He could've set aside those emotions or ignored them. More than likely he would have been confused by them. More confused than he actually was now truth be told. Being human allowed to think and feel as a human, and to him, their bond had now taken a new light. For himself at the very least, he was not sure about Dean. They both had been through major and traumatic in the past couple of weeks.
Instead of trying to understand the full totality of what was happening, he focused on one aspect. This was one that was relevant right now because of his position on being on Dean. His sexuality was something he never thought of as an angel. Sex was not necessary in heaven, though some angels developed a curiosity about it and partook in it. If people wanted to express their love or seek physical pleasure with members of their own gender, then he saw no problem with it. As such, he could not choose or decide to have a sexual orientation because it made no sense to him.
To Dean it does make sense given the society and culture he was raised in. To his knowledge, Dean is an avowed 'ladies man'. If he ever found out he was the source of his sexual fantasy, it was likely Dean would become upset. He had no intention to let Dean know, or let it go any further than this. The incident had deprived him of seeking out sex since it was forcibly taken from him. Was he attracted to Dean? Yes he was, and in a sexual manner, but he neither had the will or stomach to admit it the man. So though he may be in a prime position to capitalize on making sexual overtones to Dean, he would not. For now, he was comfortable to be against Dean, feeling his body heat and hearing his heart. Steadily, the rhythm lulled him back to sleep.
Dean felt Cas fall asleep somewhere around the part Alderaan was blown up. It was weird having a guy asleep on his chest, in his bed. On the same coin, it also felt ok, and not because he was doing this for a friend in need. He wanted this because he also needed someone to be there for him, and this was Cas. The angel that saved him from hell and death so many times he lost count. The angel that was now a man, but a man that was still Cas.
Having a warm body next to him made him feel less alone, and that made him feel better. Cas wouldn't do anything funny, though he couldn't explain why. So he let Cas stay there, but he turned off the computer and put it aside so Cas can sleep easier. Dean could relate to what Cas was going through, even if he had the worst parts of his time in hell blocked. He also knew there was not magic pill, or drink to make this go away. This was one of those things that time could only heal.
Time was something they kinda had plenty of he supposed. With all the demons stuck down below, all their trouble making schemes were done topside. Crowley was human and now stuck on this side. In hindsight, was it a good idea to let him go? Probably not, but if Cas hadn't taken him, he would've killed him. Yeah, there were still monsters and now angels milling about, but to his knowledge, no one was actively trying to being the world to an end. Even if they do head out for a hunt, it was still a long ways off. Neither one of them were fit enough to go on one.
"Dean…" Cas said softly, making him jump a little as he looked down. Cas was still asleep but snuggled closer to him. They way Cas said his name, it wasn't like a cry for help or the voice he uses when Cas it correcting him. It sounded like it had longing in it, a forlorn hope even. Now that was weird and he got a little bit uncomfortable. He hoped Cas was having a nice dream, but not that kind of dream. Not with him in it. He was rethinking this now when he then stopped. He is overreacting, Cas could be dreaming of anything and it's not like he had any control of what he dreamed. Hell, if he could control what he dreamed, he would be at the stripper joint or fishing.
His left arm was still behind Cas so he curled it, cocooning the smaller man. Maybe it was the weed, which was good, that was making him more relaxed about this. He remembered when he had his first smoke almost two decades before. He knew a fair share of hunters used it to help them unwind, though dad and Bobby disapproved and didn't. Even so, it was more than available in the many schools he went through and he did recall that one time he made a bong in arts class. The teacher even gave him pointers on how to do it right.
It's 2013 and they were pretty close to the messed up future that Zachariah sent him to. That future had been made void though since they did stop the devil. He guessed the reason why Cas was so messed up then was because he became a unfeeling jackass. Not this time though. He wasn't going to begrudge Cas a way to relax because he became a hippie orgy enthusiast in a future that wasn't going to happen. Besides, Cas had to learn for himself the things he likes and doesn't. He can scream till he was blue in the face to not do something, but Cas will still do it. If Cas had had a childhood, he guessed he would've been one of those quiet rebellious ones who had to learn the hard way. Figures, angel was a rebel in heaven too.
He leaned away and put the computer on his bed stand so he can get into a more comfortable position. It wasn't like they were spooning, Cas was merely using him his pillow. It was like an unsaid deal, Cas would feel safe beside him and he wouldn't feel alone. This was one night he can go to sleep without drinking or taking pills. This was something he can do, and more than just tonight.
Cas woke up rested and comfortable. Once he did wake up he realized that he was alone. A cold chill of panic rose up in him and he froze. Did Dean leave him? Was he so disgusted that Cas fell asleep on him that he abandoned him? He knew it, he pushed him away. Dean had to be repulsed by him.
"Oh good, you're awake." Dean said with his head poking through the door. Smiling he asked if he wanted breakfast. He just nodded yes in amazement that Dean was still here and did not in fact abandon him, but was making him food. His stomach growled at the prospect. The pain was still there, but it had retreated to the back of his mind. Dean zipped away when he nodded and he heard him holler something about pancakes.
Coming into the kitchen, it was all abuzz with music and pots clanging about. Dean looked over at him from the stove. "I made beans and rice last night, so I think we can have burritos for lunch or something. I'm making pancakes cause that's all we have left. We need to go shopping today."
The pancakes smelled wonderful, and he anticipated eating them. "Thank you Dean. Is there anything to drink?"
"Coffee but you're not supposed to have that. I guess there's still tea that Sa…that we have. Something organic or healthy I guess. There's milk but…I think I might have gone bad."
He opened the fridge and looked at the milk carton. Opening it, he sniffed it. It made him gag. "I think the milk has indeed soured."
Dean chuckled, "can you dump it out and throw it away? I'll put on some water to boil for tea then. Should be in the pantry, second cupboard."
Doing as instructed, he went into the panty and looked at the variety of teas available. It must have been Sam's since he has never known Dean to drink anything other than beer, soda or coffee. No wonder Sam always tried to encourage Dean to eat healthier. He would also endeavor to eat healthy and keep his body in shape. There was no way of knowing when, if ever, he would get his grace back.
Selecting one that said it had calming qualities, he turned around to Dean setting a plate of pancakes and eggs down for both of them. "Water will be done in a moment, want to eat now though?"
"Yes, I am quite famished."
"Word to the wise Cas, no one says famished. Especially since we meet Famine." Dean replied while sitting down.
He also sat down and poked at the eggs before taking a small bite. It tasted amazing, being soft and warm, fluffy with a hint of pepper. His first inclination was to eat as much of it as he can, but he had learned from the streets to pace himself. Taking your time to eat makes you feel fuller, not to mention aids in one's digestion.
"You like it?" Dean asked looking for approval.
He finished chewing before he answered, "yes, it is very good."
Dean smiled then he got up, coming back to bring him a cup of hot water. Placing the tea bag in to steep, they both continued eating. Dean poured a bit of syrup on his, but he liked only a sparse amount but with plenty of butter.
"So…did you sleep ok Cas? You went under before all the good parts." Dean asked before shoving another bite into his mouth.
"Yes I did. Sorry about not watching the movie, I was…comfortable." He wasn't sure on how Dean was still taking him sleeping in the same bed with him. Happy as Dean might seem right now, he knew the man was capable of 'putting on a face' as the saying goes.
"So was I. Listen Cas, I was wondering…" Dean hesitated. He was sure he was going to insist that he sleep in his own room. "I was wondering if you want to do that again tonight. You feel better when I'm there, I feel better you're there." Dean said that rather fast and looked down, though he can see that he was red in the cheeks. "I haven't slept that well in weeks, not without passing out drunk or sleeping pills. And I can wake you if you have a bad nightmare…or something."
He did not expect this, but the reasoning was sound. It was comforting to know Dean was right there. There was no nightmare either, he didn't even dream he thinks. All he can recall was how safe and warm Dean was, that it was ok. There was also more to it than Dean getting better sleep, he knew Dean wanted him there to keep him company. If they both together alleviate their own shortcomings, then why not?
"I think that would be preferable Dean, though I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable."
"Naw, it was nice. It's like when Sam," he saw the light n Dean's eye flicker at his brother's name, "when he was still little, he liked to sleep with me. Well, we kinda had too, but he liked it because if he had a nightmare, I was right there. So I'm cool with that."
"Your bed is more comfortable anyway." he replied offering a small smile.
"Memory foam Cas, it remembers us." Dean winked.
