Man, this chapter took a while…primarily because work's been keeping me busy and my laptop was in repair for two weeks! Waah! Anyway, the chapter's finally here :D! I hope you guys like it :D! And once again, THANK YOU for the REVIEWS :D!
Chapter 11: Remembrance
His brows were furrowed and his eyes were filled with dire determination as he walked away from her. His strides were long and swift and his hands were closed into tight fists. His lips were pressed in a straight line and his face was gaunt, while his jaw muscles were clenched. He looked determined to leave her this time. He wanted to leave it all behind. To leave her was his only choice. There was no other way.
He suddenly heard her shout out his name. Anakin, she said.
She said that he had forgotten his Jedi robe. But he did not turn around. He did not even glance. Hearing her only made him want to stay. He sensed her following him, probably to hand him the robe. But he didn't care about the robe. He just wanted to run. And so his strides grew faster in an attempt to escape her voice, her presence.
He made his way to the living room. His eyes were set on the door he had entered when he came to her as Anakin last night. And that too would be the door in which he would leave her today. The tunic he had picked up from the bedroom floor was still slung over his bare shoulder. The only piece of clothing that he practically had on him was his pants. But that didn't matter. He just wanted to go. Now.
She called out to him again, more desperate this time. Even without looking at her, he knew that she was still holding on to his robe. Though now she had stopped following him. She was now just standing outside their bedroom door, clutching onto the abandoned robe, as she watched him make his way to the entrance of the apartment.
"Anakin!" She cried out louder, in an attempt to make him look at her.
Why wouldn't he look at her?
She couldn't understand why he just stormed away as if he never wanted to see her again. He didn't even look into her eyes when he said goodbye. She felt as if she was the robe that lay limp and crumpled in her hands --- abandoned and left behind.
He reached out to open the door using the force. It was now the only thing that was keeping her to him. And then he heard her call out his name for the last time.
"Anakin! Promise me you'll return to me!" She cried out. Her voice was filled with sadness. "Promise me you'll be back! Promise me that when that time comes you'll walk into that door and never have to go away ever again."
Anakin's eyes widened. And at that moment, as if all reason had shattered and all destinies had been defied, he turned around and looked at her. His eyes gazed upon her form as she stood across the living room, holding on to his dark brown clothing. There was sadness on her face, a sadness that mixed with her natural beauty. He knew he should not have looked at her, but it was too late for that now.
Padme did not waste a split-second when she saw him turn around to face her. She immediately got to her feet and ran into his arms. She flung her arms around him and held him in a tight embrace. Her hand let go of the robe and it fell limply on the floor.
Anakin just stood there, looking lost and bewildered as he felt her arms wrapped around his midsection. His eyes nervously darted around the living room and his lips trembled while his mind swirled in confusion.
What now?
He shouldn't have turned around. He shouldn't have looked at her. Because now he back in the last place he wanted to be in at the moment. He was back in her arms, enveloped in her sweet embrace.
She closed her eyes and snuggled her cheek against his tanned bare chest. "Anakin…" She whispered. "I…I don't know why --- but…but…" Then she looked up at him and stared deep into his blue eyes. "…but I feel as if I'm never going to see you again."
She gasped at the thought and tried hard to fight back her tears. "I feel as if you're never coming back to me, Anakin --- and I can't bear feeling that. I need to know that you'll come back. Tell me that you'll come back. I need to hear it."
Anakin couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes as he looked at her face. How would he tell her that the Anakin she wanted to return was not her Anakin at all?
Without saying a word, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, hard and passionate on the lips. Their eyes closed and their embrace tightened with the kiss. Once again his lips were locked with hers. It would be the kiss that would mark the end of this little game…the kiss that would formally bring the plan to its end.
When the kiss ended, he looked deep into her eyes and ran his fingers down her cheek. And he whispered to her. "Think not of the future that is uncertain, my love. You need not hear it from my lips if I will ever return. Instead, think about today…Think about this moment. Think about last night. Remember when I returned to you when I shouldn't have. Remember how I made love to you. Think of me and love me as you see me right now. Remember what I told you…to never forget."
Padme's eyebrows furrowed. Why was Anakin saying this? He sounded as if he knew he was never coming back. "Anakin, I don't understand ---"
He gently placed a finger on her lips. "Hush." He said softly. "There is nothing to understand, Padme. Sometimes we just have to be colorblind and see things as they are."
Padme still couldn't understand. She looked like she was about to cry. What was Anakin trying to tell her? "I'm scared, Anakin…Scared of what's about to come."
He leaned forward and gave her a soft and brief kiss on the forehead. Then he gently tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes. "Take care, my lady." Those were the only words he said.
He took a step away from her and picked his robe from the floor. Then he looked at her entirety for the last time. He memorized her face and her body, and remembered how he had touched and caressed and made love to it the night before.
He memorized how her eyes were looking at him right now, for this was the last time she would ever look at him that way. Because the next time they meet, she would once again see him as the Chancellor, and all the passion and love in her eyes would be gone.
He silently slipped the robe over him while his eyes still focused on her still and silent form. Both of them seemed to have run out of words to say. And the silence continued, as he turned around and walked out of the door.
When the door closed, Padme gasped in emotional pain, and tears started to stream down her cheeks. She placed a hand over her lips as she sobbed. Her final moments with Anakin only left her feeling confused. He didn't even seem like himself at all.
She walked to the door and placed a hand over it, as if touching it would let her feel him again.
"Anakin…" She whispered, and tears continued to stream down her face.
x x x x x x
The man who had walked out of Padme's life now found himself standing outside her apartment door. The pain of leaving her still weighed heavy in his darkened heart. But it was inevitable. He had to leave her. He had no choice. If he chose to stay with her in the body of the boy, his life-long plan would crumble, and he, himself, would be trapped in the imaginary dream world he had weaved.
He pulled the hood lower over his face, closed his eyes, and let the illusion end. He felt Padme's essence slip away from his grasp as he let her mind go from his manipulation. And once again, he was Palpatine to the world --- old, tired, Sith-cursed Palpatine who would soon become the emperor of the galaxy.
His shoulders drooped and he sighed, a heavy and tired sigh which caused his chest to heave. He had been using the force to manipulate her since last night, with sleep as his only rest. And even sleep was cold and unforgiving no thanks to the grim dream that toyed with his tired and defenseless mind.
All in all, his little masquerade for Padme had left him drained inside and out. Even his physical body felt the pain. His muscles ached and his joints felt weak and his stomach felt knotted. Though deep inside, he was not sure if the pain was truly brought about by his extensive use of the force, or by the pain of leaving the only source of light in his life.
He pulled the hood even lower over his visage, protecting the pale face that had seen a million deaths. And he hugged the robe closer to him, shielding his compact frame from the cool morning wind and the eyes of the world.
After all, he could not risk being seen standing before Padme's apartment in such an --- attire. He could not even imagine the commotion that would follow if it was found out that the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic was found leaving Senator Amidala's apartment early in the morning wearing nothing but a dark brown robe and a pair of pants. He realized that he had not even bothered to put on his boots and his tunic. In fact, he had left most of his accessories on Padme's bedroom floor. He shrugged it off. Let those things be a testament that the night between them truly existed.
Then his eyes widened. He suddenly felt her in the force. She was crying. She was in torment and he could feel her pain. He could practically feel her tears streaming down his own cheeks. He slowly turned around and looked at the door.
/ "If you are thinking of going back, don't!" / Said the hissing commanding voice of his deceased Master Plagueis. / "Don't, Palpatine. You must not." / He yelled. The haunting voice echoed and bounced inside the walls of Palpatine's skull.
Palpatine clenched his hands into tight fists and stared at the door with eyes that reflected pain and determination. He knew that Plagueis was right. He should not let his love for her keep him from his destiny. But if that were the case, then why was he still standing there? Standing there as if still he had the choice to walk into that door and come back into her life? Why was it so difficult to leave?
He stepped towards the door, slowly and unsurely, and delicately placed his hand over it, right where Padme had placed hers. If the door weren't there, their hands would be together, holding and touching each other like the night before.
He felt the smooth, polished surface of the door against his fingers as he touched it. He looked at his hand as he pressed it against the surface. He could still feel her on the other side, weeping for him to return. If he could only tell her that he was still there, standing in front of her with only a few inches of fiberglass and durasteel between them.
"I'm sorry, Padme." He whispered.
Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and used all the will and determination in his weakened body to turn away. And when his fingers slipped away from the door, he felt as if he was leaving a part of himself behind.
He narrowed his eyes and looked at the open space before him. He was not going to waste any second this time. This time, he was determined to leave.
He slowly raised his right hand in the air. His hand was open and outstretched as if each finger was attached to a puppet's strings. With the motion of his hand, a driverless grade-A Nubian speeder rose from its hiding place and hovered towards him. It stopped right in front of the landing platform of Padme's apartment.
Then he took one last look at the door, and remembered the night when Padme had loved him as he had wanted her to. He remembered the overflowing happiness in her face when she first saw him in the living room. He remembered the feeling of their first embrace, of their first hungry kiss. He remembered her smile and how she often touched his face and combed his hair with her fingers. He remembered the sound of her laughter. He remembered the sound of her voice. He remembered how it felt like inside of her, how it was like to love her and make love to her and not hold anything back.
He remembered every second and every moment, as if he had lived and died in her arms.
But those sweet memories, though sweet and perfect and untainted as they were, were bringing him nothing but pain and faded dreams and broken promises. And when the pain was too much to bear, he looked away.
Plagueis was right.
He did not belong there. His fate did not lie with her.
He belonged to place where Padme would never survive.
He belonged in the darkness.
No…He was the darkness.
Power without passion. Life without love. Darkness without light.
Such were the rules of his existence.
He did not hesitate as he climbed into the speeder…and disappeared from her life.
x x x x x x
TBC? Hmmm….
