A/N: Hope everyone had a great Halloween! I had a lot of fun dressing up as Narcissa Malfoy this year. Luckily, this chapter got validated at hpff a lot sooner than I thought. Although I had to edit it a bit to fit the rules there, this version is in its complete form. Enjoy!
"What in the name of Salazar Slytherin are you planning, Bella?!" asked Voldemort furiously. He sat in the front passenger seat of the minivan as Bellatrix drove wildly down the streets.
"You'll see!" replied Bellatrix with an excited but evil laugh, almost running into another pedestrian.
"You don't drive much, do you?"
"Nope! How am I doing?"
"Er...great. Just great."
"Yay!" she shrieked, stomping the gas pedal to show her pleasure.
"Get off the road, maniac!" shouted an old lady attempting to cross the street.
"YOU get off the road!" replied Bellatrix as she missed the elderly woman by inches.
"We sure do offend a lot of elderly women," commented Voldemort. "Um, Bella, listen.... Maybe this date's not such a good idea...."
Bellatrix turned to Voldemort with tears in her eyes. She sniffed. "Why not?"
"Um, never mind," said Voldemort, remembering what she had said yesterday about losing her magical talents if her heart were broken. "Now for badness sake KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!"
"Oh, right. Ha ha, how silly of me!" The three men she just hit probably didn't think it was as funny as she did. "Well, here we are!"
They pulled into a parking lot in front of a large mall, which seemed to be busy today. There was hardly any room to park, so Bellatrix made room.
"What the crap are we here for?" demanded her unfortunate date.
"I'm going to try stuff on, and you're going to carry my bags and tell me how pretty I look!"
"Oh, heck no!"
She sniffed again. "Why not?"
"Um, I just...uh...need to...pee first!" I'm getting so good at lying, he thought to himself.
"Excellent! I'll go with you!"
"Oh...splendid...."
Snape lay down and rested his eyes. It was so quiet in his motel room today…a bit too quiet. Why wasn't Wormtail bugging the crap out of him like he always did? As much as he wanted to ignore this question and enjoy the unexplained peace, he couldn't help but wonder. So he sat up and glanced at the bed next to him, finding Wormtail lying there silently, staring at the ceiling.
Snape sighed. "All right, Wormtail, I'll probably be kicking myself later for asking this, but what's troubling you?"
"Olga dumped me," Wormtail sulked. "I just want to be alone!"
"Oh, stop being so over dramatic! That's supposed to be my thing!"
"Sorry, Snape...." He began to sob. "Oh, Olga, why did you leave me?"
"Fine, whatever...." Snape lay down again and closed his eyes. He planned on taking advantage of the quiet as long as he could. But it only took a few minutes for him to realize that he could not sleep. He despised feeling sympathetic, but he could not help it, so he stood up and pulled the sheets off his bed. "Wormtail, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but please wear this sheet like a toga and dance around noisily! Honestly, I'll sleep better if you do."
"Thanks, but I really don't feel like having a toga party right now."
Giving up, Snape put the sheets back on the bed. He lay there for a long time, thinking of the irony. Oh, how the tables have turned, he thought, I never dreamed I'd see the day that Wormtail would become more emo than me!
Bellatrix skipped happily out of the shopping mall, followed by a much gloomier Voldemort, who was carrying at least twenty shopping bags.
"Shall I put these in the trunk?" he grunted.
"Nah, just pile them all up in the back seat. I'll probably never wear any of that crap anyway."
"I see," said Voldemort, trying to mask his anger. That "crap" cost him a ton of Muggle money! "Can we go back to the hotel now?"
Bellatrix laughed. "No, silly! We haven't even eaten out yet! I know this awesome place."
"Right, well...can I at least drive?"
"I wouldn't hear of it! Now that we're together I plan on chauffeuring you EVERYWHERE! Anything for my man!"
"Ah...how...er, sweet of you...." Hang in there, Voldemort, he thought to himself.
As the surrounding scenery passed by much quicker than it should have, Bellatrix mumbled to herself. Or at least it sounded like mumbling, for the engine was roaring too loud to tell. "Fifty-five miles per hour? Nobody tells me what to do! I'll show that sign who's boss!"
"Don't they have any policemen out here??" said Voldemort desperately.
The second he uttered these words, sirens were heard in the background.
"Crap!" said Bellatrix, reluctantly pulling over. "Don't worry," she continued with a seductive wink. "We women know exactly how to get out of a speeding ticket...."
The policeman approached the car. "Ma'am, are you aware that you were going--"
"Avada Kedavra!" screamed Bellatrix, speeding away as the policeman fell.
Minutes later, they pulled into yet another parking lot, this one in front of a large and busy restaurant. Voldemort stared with dread at the sign on the building, which read, "Uncle Bob's Karaoke and Sushi Buffet". Great, he thought, two things I despise: karaoke and raw fish.
Just as he had feared, the aroma of sushi overwhelmed him as soon as they walked in the door. Bellatrix took in a deep breath. How she could possibly take pleasure in such a scent he could not comprehend. Oh, how he wished he had a nose to hold. He never realized until now that there were drawbacks to having such handsome features as slit nostrils.
Soon they were seated close to the karaoke stage, where a large man was currently singing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls.
"What can I get you two to drink?" asked the waitress.
"We'll both have red wine!" said Bellatrix before Voldemort could even open his mouth.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" said Voldemort.
"Come on, live a little!"
"Well...all right...." He certainly could not deny that if he ever needed alcohol, it was tonight.
"All righty then," said the waitress. "I'll be back in a sec. You can help yourselves to the sushi bar."
"Um...excuse me," said Voldemort. "Do you have anything...cooked?"
The waitress giggled. "You're funny!" And she left to get the drinks.
The crowd began to cheer as the fat man finished, probably because the dreadful performance was over. He took a bow.
"Well," said Voldemort, "that was sufficiently disturbing.... I'm going to the buffet now."
"You go ahead," said Bellatrix. "I'll get my food in a minute."
He did not argue with her and got up to scan the buffet table for anything he could consider edible. He looked over the selection at least three times before deciding to just settle with the sushi. Who knows, he thought, maybe raw fish does taste good.... He made his way back to the table with a full plate, only to drop it in shock when he saw who was on the karaoke stage.
"This one goes out to my stud muffin Voldypoo!" Bellatrix pointed at her mortified date. "That's him right there! Give him a hand, folks!"
Voldemort sunk down in his seat as the crowd clapped for him. He had already forgotten he had spilled his food, for all he could think about was the humiliation. The music started to play a tune that he, being a country fanatic, recognized instantly. Bellatrix began to sing shrilly and off-key, causing him to wince and sink even lower in his seat.
"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car...." She missed every note but sang confidently, as if she thought she was not only as good as Taylor Swift, but much better. "He had a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heeeeeeaaaaaart, I looked around, turned the radio down, he said, 'Baby is something wrong?' I said 'Nothing, I was just thinking how we don't have a soooooooong....'" Then her voice rose to twice its usual volume, still as off-key as ever. "And he said, 'Our song is the slamming screen dooooooors, sneakin' out late, tappin' on your window, when we're on the phone and you talk real slow, cause it's late and your mama don't know, our song is the way you laugh, the first date man I didn't kiss her and I should have, and when I got home before I said amen, askin' God if he...COULD PLAY IT AGAIN!'"
By this time Voldemort was all the way under the table, curled up into a fetal position and holding his ears.
After another minute of utter torture, Bellatrix began the last verse, which she had altered a bit. "Our song is the slamming screen doooooors, sneakin' out late, spying through his window, when he's all alone and I walk real slow, cause it's late and my Voldy don't know, our song is the way he laughs, the first date man I didn't kiss him and I should have, and when I got home before I said amen, askin' God if he...COULD PLAY IT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! OH OH YEAH! PLAY IT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"
Whew, thought Voldemort, it's over. He curiously peeked over the top of the table. Of course her glass was already empty. He grabbed his glass and downed all the wine at once. Why didn't I do that before, he thought.
Bellatrix jumped off the stage and grabbed Voldemort by the hand. "Get up there, Voldypoo! It's fun!"
"What, are you crazy? No way I'm doing that!"
Bellatrix's eyes once again filled with tears. "Why not?"
"Fine!" Voldemort grabbed the mic. At least he'd had enough wine to get through this… maybe.
"All right...Noseless Wonder!" said a large man who the Dark Lord assumed was Uncle Bob, "What cha gonna sing for us tonight?"
In his drunken state, Voldemort was unable to think of any songs that would make him sound unbelievably cool, so he requested the first song that came to mind. Uncle Bob pressed a button on the karaoke machine and the music began to play.
"Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp and she's probably getting frisky.... Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...." He could carry a tune no better than his date; only his voice was not shrill but deep toned, with a very pronounced British accent. "Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo...and he don't know.... I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SOUPED UP FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!" He was really getting into the music, sounding as angry as if he had really been cheated on and making various dance moves. "CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATS!"
He held that last note so long that he ran out of breath and fainted to the floor. The last thing he could remember was a mass of black hair and a loud voice saying, "Voldypoo, are you all right? That was AWESOME!"
