Happy Without Me

Chapter Ten – They Don't Know You Like I Do

A/N – Yes, it's angsty but I promise it's necessary. Keep the faith.

Summary: Sure, everyone says long distance doesn't work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They've always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don't have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn't know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn't going to follow through with any of them.


'I'll meet you halfway if you're coming the long way.

Don't care what the people say of the prodigal runaway.

Cause hey, hey they don't know you like I do. I wait for the whole world to show you. Maybe we're not, not that gone.'

Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)

It's fucking awkward.

Waking up next to Amy for the first time in over five years is basically just – awkward (especially after last night).

"Feel okay?"

Amy makes a disgruntled face and says, "I feel like I got hit by a truck."

"Well, you probably didn't really need those last… four drinks?"

"Yeah, probably not but you know me and alcohol," Amy smiles at Karma as though they didn't just hash out all their shit less than four hours ago. "You mind if I shower?"

Karma shakes her head and remembers a time when Amy never had to ask questions like that. Amy used to practically live at her house – it's the first time Amy has ever acted like a guest.

The phone ringing disturbs Karma's thoughts. She immediately feels guilty when she sees Liam's face on her screen. He's probably freaking out.

"Hey, babe, I'm so sorry I got stuck at my mom's last night she uh… her and my dad were… fighting?"

"Karma. Thank god," Liam lets out a heavy breath, "I was up worried all night. You could've at least texted me. The last thing you said was that you were out with Reagan and then nothing."

"I know. And I'm sorry. My mom was just really upset last night so I couldn't leave. I'm safe though. I'll probably be home later on."

"Is everything okay? Really? I just feel like something's going on with you and you won't talk to me. I can help if you just talk to me."

"Everything's fine. Promise."

"Alright," Liam still sounds hesitant but accepts her at her word, "please text me if something changes. Love you."

"I will. I'm sorry again. Love you too."

Amy's standing in the doorway when Karma ends the call. Her eyes look dark and troubled. "Liam?"

"Yeah, just worried I didn't make it home last night," Karma says as she stretches out in her old bed. It was another night of very little sleep (she has no idea how the fuck she's still functioning). She spent most of the night awake and on the edge of the bed away from Amy – it wouldn't do either of them any good to wake up in compromising position.

"Guess he's a little more considerate than when we were younger?"

"Yeah."

Karma really isn't looking to get into a discussion about Liam with Amy – Amy doesn't get to know anything about her relationship with him or about what her life looks like now.

"This is a weird question but do you still… have anything of mine here? Like a sweatshirt or something?" and Amy sounds so uncomfortable to be asking that Karma just stands and starts rummaging through her closet for what she might've kept.

The first thing she comes across is that dumb fucking zip up. It's the only thing she still has of Amy's that isn't in a box in the attic. Shane totally forced her to make a 'break up box' when she wouldn't stop sleeping in Amy's old clothes. Yeah, she was that girl. But that zip up never made the box because it was shoved between comforters and pillows after her mini meltdown.

Karma holds out a hand to give it to Amy and they both stare at it for a second. Amy's eyes tell Karma all she really needs to know – Amy knows exactly when that jacket is from.

Yeah, it's pretty odd that a zip up feels so meaningful to them both but Karma remembers she'd gone on for days about how sexy Amy had looked when she stripped it off. And Amy had worn it for weekends on end after it happened. And every single time Karma lost her breath watching it fall off her shoulders. It was early in their relationship when Amy was still learning all of Karma's little turn ons and she had been taking full advantage of all the new found knowledge.

"I didn't realize you still had this," Amy says and Karma curses the day she made that stupid fucking box and forgot to put the fucking zip up away.

"Everything else is in the attic."

Amy's face falls.

Karma wants to just go back to yesterday when things felt easier - when there was less tension in the air. She hates feeling so goddamn on edge all the time with Amy here. It's just making her more tired than she already is. It's been like three nights with no sleep - she just wants to disappear for a few days to process everything that's happened.

But then there's just Amy constantly in her space, her thoughts, her heart (and fuck that's not good but a little piece of her heart is always going to belong to Amy – first loves and all).

Amy is quiet for a few minutes as she puts the zip up on – and Jesus seeing Amy in that is like a blast from the past. Karma is so fucking sick with nostalgia. Standing right in front of her - that is the girl she fell in love with. That is the girl she spent years loving and years getting over. She looks a little bit older and a little more tired from all the years and schooling but that's Amy.

It's scaring the fuck out of Karma now because she can feel how easily she'd fall backwards. She can feel her heart racing. And she knows it sounds dumb because it's just a zip up but it was such a silly thing they used to tease each other with when everything was so new and every touch meant something.

Looking at Amy standing in her room in that is like being in some weird fucking time warp - where nothing went wrong and they made it work despite the distance because they meant enough to each other to try.

"Amy… can you, um… when you go home can you please," Karma swallows hard to get the words out, "can you just put something else on?"

"Oh," Amy says as she understands that this is hurting Karma, "yeah, sorry. Yeah, I'll change. Because this is – this is weird, right? I – do you want this back?"

Yeah, she does. She wants that zip up back because no matter how much they've been through those early days still deserve to be cherished.

"No." Amy looks away like she expected a different answer.

But Karma's sick of being weak over dumb shit. She's sick of the fact that it's been like two fucking days with Amy back in her life and she's getting all choked up over articles of clothing. Like, who the fuck does that? It's been five fucking years - this should be a closed door. In fact, Karma thinks, this door should've even exist anymore and Amy should've just stayed in the past where she belonged.

"Karma?" she raises her eyebrows as if to say 'continue', "Can I apologize for last night?"

"Sure," and Karma's well aware she does not sound welcoming but Amy keeps talking. Amy really should realize Karma's not in the mood for it this morning.

"I know you didn't wanna have that conversation and I kind of forced it on you and I should've just kept my mouth shut."

"Yeah, Amy, you should've. You were drunk and you backed me into a corner and gave me no choice but to be part of something I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready for that – I don't know that I'll ever be ready for that, okay? You weren't fair to me," Karma snaps.

The emotion of the whole fucking morning (and last night) is boiling over.

Amy looks like a chastised little kid and she really does want to feel bad but damn it - Amy was wrong. And she should know it.

"I didn't know how else to tell you all that-"

"No, because doing it five years ago when it would've actually fucking mattered would've been too easy, right? Doing it five years ago when it would've been the right thing to do would've been too easy. So, instead you wait five years, you come back, not even for me but for your mom, which I get, but you come back here when I finally have a life and you drunkenly say all this shit like it's supposed to make a difference. It doesn't fucking matter anymore, Amy, don't you get that?"

"It matters."

"No," Karma hisses, "it doesn't. I don't need your apologies now. I needed them then when I could barely get out of bed for a month. I needed them when you broke me not now that everything's fine. What the fuck do they matter now?!"

"Karma-"

"No, shut up. I don't want to hear anymore about it. I don't want to know that you regretted leaving me – because guess what? You still fucking did," she's fuming with all of the anger from the night before, all of the anger from five years ago. "You are too fucking late, Amy."

"I know," Amy manages to choke out, "I know I waited too long."

"I hate you."

It comes out of Karma's mouth and shocks her as much as it visibly shocks Amy. It wasn't something she meant to say. It's not something she hasn't thought though. She hears Amy's muffled sobs somewhere in the background but she can't sit in this room anymore – it's bringing out the worst in them both.

So, Karma leaves.


She makes it as far as the backyard. The swing set they used to play on is rusted and old but it still has swings. They'll have to do.

Is there any part of her house that isn't Amy? Why did she have to choose to fall for the one person that made up her entire life? It's really fucking awful to not be able to escape. It's part of what made moving in with Liam last year such an easy thing to say yes to – it was the easiest way to get the fuck out of her own head. And to be honest, she's totally been avoiding this house for the last year for that reason too.

Amy sits down in the swing next to Karma. Karma wants to cry and beg her to go away. (She also kind of wants to cry and beg her to never leave again). It's pretty much like being at war with herself all the time.

"I don't know what to say," Amy whispers.

"You didn't even come back for me, Amy. Why? Why didn't you come back for me?" Karma leans over her legs, elbows on her knees, with her head in her hands. Looking at Amy isn't going to make it any easier.

"I just thought it'd be better for you if I stayed away. I regret leaving you, Karma, but I still don't know what else I could've done."

"You could've fucking fought for us. We deserved that."

"Yeah, I could've…" and Amy sounds so fucking regretful it hurts, "but it was only gonna get harder for us. I ended up getting the residency at Northwestern University in Chicago. That's not – we couldn't have made monthly trips work. And it's not like either of us had the money to fly. I wouldn't have even had the time to come home or really see you. Why would you even stay with someone you could be barely with? You're worth a million times more than some half assed relationship like that."

"Because I didn't want anyone else. How many times do I have to say it?" Karma cries through the whole thing. It turns out not looking at Amy made this conversation equally as hard.

"I wanted you to be happy," Amy says as she reaches out for Karma's knee. Karma flinches away.

"I was!" she finally looks up, "don't you get that at all? I didn't care if we didn't see each other that much. I still wanted you. I still wanted us. You didn't-"

"Karma, I did," Amy says softly, "I haven't been with anyone since you. There is no time in my life that it hasn't been you. If you could've seen me after that night – people asked me if someone died."

Karma sighs. "it kind of felt that way didn't it?"

"It felt worse because you were still out there – I just wasn't with you."

Good. Amy deserved to hurt for it. It's pretty awful but it still feels like a little bit of a victory to know that Amy hurt too. It still feels a little better to at least have the confirmation that Amy wasn't out celebrating her newfound freedom (yeah, the irrational part of Karma's brain had gone there).

"No one hated me as much as I hated myself for doing that to you. I know it's been five years and it doesn't matter," Karma goes to interrupt but Amy shushes her, "I should've said all this back then because we deserved a better ending than that. And I know you hate me now but I promise that I'll hate myself more… probably for the rest of my life."

"I don't hate you, Amy."

And that's the truth. Karma couldn't hate her if she tried. Yeah, she's bitter and sure, she's still carrying some resent – but hate? She still looks at Amy and sees the girl who meant everything once upon a time. So, no, she doesn't hate Amy. Not even a little bit really.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

Now that is a whole separate entity. Forgiveness is a whole separate question. And Karma's never really thought about forgiving Amy – she never got that far.

"I… don't really know?" Karma says as she nudges Amy's foot with her own.

"That's probably fair," Amy nudges her foot back. "You don't have to do this… with my mom, I mean. I know it's not easy to be with me."

"It's really not," Karma answers honestly, "but I'm not leaving you."

"You probably should. I deserve it."

"You probably do," Amy smiles just a little and Karma kicks some mulch on Amy's sneakers just to be a bitch. "Would you think I'm awful if I asked you to just… give me some space?"

The look on Amy's face almost has Karma taking it back. But she has take care of herself first – she has to stop worry about Amy's feelings for once. And the last few days have done some serious damage.

"No, I can go. I get it. Will you… can I text you later? Too much?"

"Too much," Karma decides, "I'll text you, okay?"

Amy nods and goes to walk away. Karma wonders what has her turning around. She gets her answer when Amy unzips the jacket and places it in her lap.

Fuck.

This is the fucking problem with having big epic fights and break ups with someone who knows when 'no' actually means 'yes.'

"Keep it," Amy says and kneels down in front of the swing. "Karma, my moms sick and everything's a fucking mess… but I came back for you. I could've taken a year off from the residency and just repeated after everything was over but I got the transfer instead. Of course I came back for you. And I know I'm too late but maybe you can forgive me enough to be my friend again one day."

And with that Amy is on her way out of the yard.


What?

Karma can't process any of what just happened. Amy keeps fucking dropping bombs and walking away. And she knows Amy didn't mean to hurt her by telling her that but it fucking hurt anyway. (And a little part of her – a part she hates – is ecstatic about it).

Karma finds Molly at the table staring out the window at the swing set they were just sitting on. She knows her mom's worried. Liam's worried. Reagan's worried.

And honestly, Karma's worried.

"Everything okay?" her mom asks.

"No, not really," and she's getting another one of those hugs that make the world a little easier to handle. They may not get along much but Molly has always been a rock – especially when it comes to all things Amy.

"Are you sure about all this with Amy?"

"She said she came back for me…"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt again, Karma. But you know how I feel about Amy," Karma's ready for a motherly speech about how much her mom hates her ex. "I've loved that girl since you two were little. I can't see her ever wanting to hurt you. She's had stars in her eyes over you for far too long to have ever meant to hurt you. I think she was trying her hardest to do what was best for you both."

None of that was what she expected from her mom. Leave it to Molly Ashcroft to be on Amy's side.

"Whose side are you even on?"

"Whatever side makes you happy," her mom answers cryptically as she heads to the stove to make tea. Tea – the magical elixir of the Ashcroft household.

Like it's gong to fix what just happened.

"Herbal or lavender, Karma?"

"Ugh, lavender I guess," Karma mumbles while she's searching for her phone that's vibrating.

Amy?

"Hey-"

"Karma," Amy's fucking hysterical. Karma's heart drops. "my mom-"

"I'll be right there. Don't move, okay? I'm gonna come get you."