A/N - Hello all! Thanks for the reveiws last chapter, I have been smiling all week! I hope everyone else who is reading is enjoying the story as well. Title for this chapter is the song by Grace Potter (appropriate, don't you think?) & the Nocturnals and I adore it. I think it fits rather well with this chapter as well as how Catherine feels about Sirius now. See you all on Tuesday!
Chapter 11
Stars
3 February 1978
January melted into February and soon it was Catherine's 16th birthday. She met Sirius after dinner in their room, as per usual, however when Sirius came in, he took the book from her hands, stowed it back in her bag and cleared away the rest of her things from the desk.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Catherine protested. "I have to study."
"Not tonight you don't," Sirius replied, towing her over to the couch with him. "It's your birthday and we're going to celebrate."
"Sirius, I really," she began, but he cut her off by putting a finger to her lips.
"One night off isn't going to kill you," he insisted.
"Fine," she retorted, sighing and crossing her arms in front of her as she sank back into the couch.
"Besides, I've got a few surprises planned," he said grinning.
"I feel like I should be worried," Catherine said hesitantly.
"Come on love," Sirius replied, looking highly affronted. "Do you really think so little of me, that I would prank my own girlfriend?"
"Honestly, Sirius, I'm really not sure you wouldn't," she said dryly and he gaped at her until she began to giggle.
"Fine then," he said, adopting a wounded puppy face and crossing his own arms in a huff. "We'll just sit here and study instead." Catherine rolled her eyes at his reaction and then slid closer to him on the couch.
"Oh, did I hurt my little Padfoot's feelings?" she asked in a pouty voice, sticking out her lower lip and fluttering her eye lashes. Sirius narrowed his eyes at her and growled. She stifled another giggle, then put a hand on his arm. "If I promise to be nice will you give me my surprise?" Sirius huffed again and looked away from her.
"You're just teasing me still, so no," he said, annoyance in his voice.
"Can't handle a little teasing then, can you?" Catherine asked, as she climbed into his lap. He remained still with his arms crossed and didn't look at her. She put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "What was it you told me that time on the train?" She tapped her lips with one finger and saw him look at her out of the corner of his eye. Snuggling closer to him, she kissed his neck and then his jaw, running her nose up his jaw line until she reached his ear. She felt him shudder, ever so slightly and she grinned before nipping his ear lobe. He shuddered again as she whispered into his ear. "Oh now I remember, if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch." And then she lightly blew into his ear.
Sirius growled and grabbed her around the waist, twisting them around and pouncing on her. Catherine laughed aloud as he hovered over her, a scowl still on his face.
"You're still making fun of me," he said, huffing in exasperation as she continued to laugh.
"Only a little," she replied, still grinning. "Can't take a bit of your own medicine?" He glared at her for a moment, then smiled wickedly and lowered his head. He kissed her cheek and then her neck, following the same path she had up her jawline. Catherine braced herself, determined not to react. But then he stopped at her ear and kissed her behind it. Unable to help herself, she sucked in a shuddering breath and he lifted his head back up, grinning at her.
"You were saying," he said cheekily. She sighed in exasperation and glowered at him. He laughed and sat up, taking her hand and pulling her up with him. He kissed her soundly on the mouth and then pulled back. "Now about those surprises. Daisy!" he called.
There was a crack and then the house elf was standing before them, holding a large picnic basket. The basket was almost as big as she was and Sirius jumped up and took it from her before the elf toppled over.
"Will Sir or Miss be needing anything else?" Daisy asked.
"No, this should do it. Thank you Daisy," Sirius said and then elf nodded. She smiled and bowed to Catherine and with a snap of her fingers and another crack, she was gone. Sirius stood from the couch and set the basket down on the floor. He held out a hand to Catherine.
"Come on," he said. "We have to go somewhere else for the rest of your surprise." Catherine stood and Sirius pulled a piece of cloth out of his pocket. He tapped it with his wand and it grew into a full-sized, fur lined cloak. He placed it around Catherine's shoulders and fastened the clasp.
"Just one of your birthday presents," he said and Catherine looked down at herself, pulling the cloak tighter around her.
"Sirius, it's gorgeous," she breathed, noticing how warm and soft it felt against her skin. "This must have cost a fortune." She frowned at him knowing that he had been cut off from his family's money when his mother disowned him. He could no longer access the Black family vault and Catherine worried her lip wondering just where he had come up with the funds for her gift. She knew the Potter's had always offered to help Sirius if he needed it, but he refused anything financial out of stubborn pride.
"You're worth it," he said, kissing her lightly on the nose. "Besides, you've forgotten about my recent inheritance." He smiled at her and she shook her head, knowing that even though his uncle had left him a large chunk of money, he should still be careful with it.
"Sirius," she protested, but he forestalled her by kissing her again, this time on the lips.
"Now, let's get to the rest of your present. You'll be happy you have the cloak, trust me," he said as he bent and picked up the picnic basket. "Time to be invisible," he said, tapping Catherine and then himself on the head and muttering the disillusionment charm. He found her hand and led her from the room. They made their way silently through the castle, narrowly avoiding being run over by a boisterous group of Gryffindor second years on one of the staircases and made their way up to the Astronomy tower.
Sirius opened the door and they walked outside, Catherine instantly aware why Sirius said she would be happy for the cloak. The winter air was chilly, although calm, and Catherine instinctively drew the cloak tighter around herself, letting go of Sirius' hand and putting her hands into her pockets. When she did so, she found soft leather gloves there, lined with the same fur as the cloak. She pulled them out and slipped them on, scowling at Sirius, although she knew he still couldn't see her.
As if he had read her mind, after he had locked and sealed the door to the tower, he tapped her on top of the head with his wand and then himself and they were both visible again. Sirius set the picnic basket down and opened it, pulling out a blanket which he spread on the tower floor. He then pulled another piece of fabric from his pocket, which, when restored to its original size, turned out to be Sirius' own cloak. He put it on, then sat down on the blanket, patting the spot next to him for Catherine. As she sat, Sirius pulled a thermos from the basket, along with two mugs and a small container of biscuits. He poured hot cocoa from the thermos into one mug and handed it to Catherine, then did the same with his own, taking a biscuit and dunking it into his mug. Catherine took a sip of her own chocolate, declining a biscuit for the moment and wrapped her cloak a bit tighter around herself.
"Why are we up here exactly?" she asked.
"This is part of your present," Sirius replied. "Atmosphere," he swept a hand across the sky as if presenting it to her. Catherine looked up and had to admit that the stars were rather bright and the sky was perfectly clear. Still, it was awfully cold, she thought as she took another drink of her cocoa.
Sirius reached out an arm to her and she scooted herself into his side. He wrapped his arm around her waist and setting down his mug, cast a warming charm upon them. Catherine smiled as the warmth swept over them and sighed in contentment as Sirius rested his check on the top of her head.
"It is beautiful," she said, looking up at the night sky and picking out the constellations she recognized from Astronomy class.
"The one thing my father taught me that was worth something," Sirius said. "I could probably have taken my Astronomy N.E.W.T. on the first day of first year and passed it. The Blacks have always been expert astronomers, as if you couldn't tell by what they name all their children." He rolled his eyes and shook his head. Catherine chuckled and sipped her drink.
"When Regulus and I were little, my father used to take us up to the observatory and tell us the stories of the planets and the stars, especially the ones we were named for. Regulus wasn't all that interested and stopped coming with us when he was about 8. The sky and the stories always fascinated me though. I like to come out here sometimes and just look and remember." He gazed up at the sky, a bit of longing in his eyes Catherine noticed. She knew that no matter what he said that it had hurt him deeply when his mother had disowned him. No matter how horrible they were, they were still his parents and she knew that he must have loved them at one time, that probably, in some way, he still did. He pulled Catherine tighter against his side and she kissed his cheek and laid her head on his shoulder.
"Someday, you can pass all of those stories along to your own children," she said quietly.
"Me? A dad?" he snorted. "Not bloody likely." She sat up and looked at him in confusion.
"Don't you want to have children someday?" she asked.
"We're talking about me here, Cat," he said, looking at her with a grin she knew was forced. "Irresponsible, impulsive, prankster extraordinaire? Not to mention the fact that my role models were, quite frankly, horrible. No, I couldn't saddle a kid with that kind of legacy." He shook his head and looked wistfully off into the distance.
"Sirius," she said, putting a hand to his arm. "You're not your father or your mother. The simple fact that you were sorted into Gryffindor should have told you that. And just because they were terrible role models doesn't mean that you have to follow in their footsteps. Besides, you've been living with the Potters for the last two years. Surely you've seen what good parents should be like." He shrugged and she moved to kneel in front of him, taking his hands in hers and staring at him until he met her gaze. "I don't know if children are in your future or not, but don't make a decision about that based on what your own parents did. You are not them. You never could be." He stared at her for a moment, bringing a hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
"What about you?" he asked softly. "Are you part of my future?" Her breath caught in her throat and she swallowed it down forcefully.
"I don't know," she responded, just as softly. "Are you asking me to be?" She held very still, searching his face with her eyes, trying to read him in the darkness. His face, lit only by the light of the rising moon, was in shadow and she was unable to tell from his expression what he was thinking. After what seemed like an endless amount of time, he leaned forward and kissed her softly.
"Perhaps," he said, holding her gaze once more. "This hypothetical future we're speaking of, would children be a requirement in it?"
"I can't say for sure, but I think that they might be," she replied, her expression unwavering and her eyes still locked with his. He nodded finally and looked away, then pulled her onto his lap, tucking her head under his chin. She let out a shaky breath, wondering just how things had gotten so intense so quickly. The thought of marriage and children hadn't entered her mind in more than an abstract way of "someday" and she had not really even pictured herself with anyone specific. Thinking about it now though, she felt as if she and Sirius had turned some hitherto unknown corner and were possibly heading down a path that might very well lead to that abstract notion of "someday". The thought of it didn't scare her as much as she thought it might, given the fact that she had just turned 16. It seemed to have driven Sirius into deep contemplation however, and if the frown on his face was anything to go by, she wasn't sure that he was enjoying the thoughts going through his mind. Catherine cursed herself in her head. Why had she brought up the thing about children in the first place? She should have known it would be a hard subject for Sirius. Not wanting to ruin the rest of the celebration he had planned, she sat up and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"Weren't you saying something about another present?" she asked, grinning at him. He shook himself out of his reverie and smiled at her.
"Hm, greedy tonight are we?" he asked and she shrugged her shoulders, smile still upon her face. He chuckled and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box. Catherine bit her cheek to keep from gasping aloud. Surely this wasn't what she thought it was.
"Open it," he said, handing it to her and she looked up at him for a moment, then did as he had asked. Nestled inside the box was not a ring as Catherine had initially feared. Regardless of her previous thoughts, she was not sure that she was quite ready for that. Instead, it was a small gold locket with intricate etchings across the front. It hung from a thin gold chain, the metal soft as satin as Catherine passed it over her fingers. She popped the tiny clasp on the locket and opened it. Two pictures were framed inside, one of Sirius and the other of her. They were so small however, Catherine had a hard time seeing them at all.
"Here," he said, taking the locket from her hand. "Let me show you." He pulled out his wand and tapped the locket with it, saying 'animatum'. A light came from the two small photographs and in an instant Catherine saw a few inches high image of herself and one of Sirius standing in front of her. It was rather like a movie projector she thought, as the Sirius image grabbed the Catherine image around the waist and kissed her. The Catherine image laughed as she pulled away and the Sirius image waltzed her around for a few steps before hugging her and then the whole scene repeated itself once again. After the images had completed their motions three times, Sirius muttered 'finite' and they disappeared back into the locket. He looked up at Catherine and smiled as she flung her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
"I love it," she said in his ear and he kissed her temple.
"This way, you'll always have a piece of me with you," he said. "Even when we're apart."
"I already do have a piece of me with you," she said, pulling back from him. "Here," she said as she laid his hand over her heart and covered his hand with hers. "But now I can see you whenever I want to." He pulled her back onto his lap and kissed her very thoroughly. When she pulled back, breathless, he grinned at her.
"I love you," he said.
"And I you," she replied, as she kissed him again. For quite some time, the astronomy tower was silent, the stars twinkling down from their vantage point above, as if smiling on the two people entwined below.
July 1993
Catherine drew in a gasping, shuddering breath as she came back to the present, her hand drifting unconsciously up to her neck to finger the gold chain that was no longer there. She exhaled loudly, closing her eyes and leaning over the counter where she had been cutting up vegetables for dinner. Despite her efforts to contain them, a few tears escaped from the corners of her eyes as she stood there drawing in deep breath after deep breath, willing herself to calm down. Perhaps she should have stopped in her remembrances before this particular memory. For as much as this one hurt, in a bittersweet way, what came next made this pale in comparison.
Taking in one more deep breath, Catherine forced her thoughts away from her past and tried to concentrate on the dinner she was making. She went over the recipe in her mind, one that she had made so many times she could do it from memory. No matter how she tried to clutter her mind with mundane thoughts of dinner and errands and what projects she still needed to finish for work, she could not seem to stop thinking about the locket. Dinner finally finished and put into the oven, Catherine made her way upstairs to her bedroom. She opened her wardrobe and pulled up a stool to reach the top shelf. In the back, behind a stack of jumpers, was a small box.
Catherine took it down and sat on the bed, holding the box on her lap. She wasn't sure this was such a good idea. Her mother and the children would be home any minute. Finally, she opened the box and took out a photograph that was lying inside. In it, she and Sirius were smiling, arms around each other's waists, Catherine's head lying on his shoulder. It was a muggle photograph, one she had taken with her own camera. She ran a finger down the side of Sirius' face and felt an ache open up inside her.
She set the photo down and pulled a ticket stub from the box from the first and only movie she had taken Sirius to. She remembered his face as he sat enthralled in the darkness, watching the people moving on the screen. He kept turning round in the theater, looking up to the small window where the movie was projecting from, then turning back to the screen in wonder. Catherine had taken his hand and squeezed it, giving him a smile as he glanced at her for no more than a second before turning back to the movie screen in front of him.
And then there was the piece of his robes that had gotten caught on a bush one day in the park. She picked it up and brought it to her nose, imagining she could still smell his scent upon it. He had thought she was mental when she picked up the small scrap of fabric and put it into her pocket, but she had just smiled at him and laughed.
The final item in the box was a smaller box that contained the locket. Catherine opened it and took the locket out, rubbing it gently with her fingers. She looked to her wand in her pocket and back to the locket. She hadn't seen the picture inside for over 15 years, but something stopped her from opening it now. Instead, she undid the clasp on the chain and put the locket around her neck, fastening it and slipping the necklace underneath her shirt. It sat almost directly over her heart and she felt as if it were warming her skin, setting it afire. Shuddering, she placed a hand over the small ridge the locket made under her shirt and closed her eyes. She would open it, sometime soon, but for now, it was enough that she wore it.
She sat for a few moments more and then put the remaining items back into the box. She put the box back into the wardrobe and closed the door, resting her forehead against the wood for a moment. Then, resolutely, she stood and straightened her shoulders, tossing her hair behind her. Just as she heard the car drive up in the driveway, Catherine walked determinedly from the room and down the stairs, ready to greet her family.
Later, Catherine was in the kitchen putting dishes into the dishwasher. She had sent the children upstairs for baths and showers, asking Ellie to supervise. Catherine smiled as she thought about her children's excited chatter over dinner about their day. She looked up as her mother entered the kitchen.
"Sounds like the four of you had a wonderful day," Catherine remarked, smiling at her mother.
"Yes, we did have quite the time," Jane replied as she spooned the remaining food into smaller containers. "I expect they'll all be asleep quite early tonight. I think I may have actually worn them out." Catherine chuckled and the two continued their clean-up in silence.
"What about you?" her mother asked as Catherine closed the dishwasher. "Did you have a productive day?" Catherine turned and leaned back against the counter, crossing her arms in front of her.
"I got all the flower beds weeded," Catherine replied, trying to hold in a smirk.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," her mother admonished.
"Yes, I know," Catherine said, smiling now. "My day was," she trailed off, unsure how to articulate exactly how she felt about it. "Memorable," she decided upon at last, her mouth quirking at the play on words.
"You are quite impossible, have I ever told you that," Jane said, rolling her eyes. "Memorable, honestly." Jane shook her head and Catherine laughed.
"Really, Mum, thank you for what you did," Catherine said, sobering now. "I know I was angry with you this morning, but it is what I needed." Jean reached out and gave her daughter's hand a squeeze.
"And have you exercised all the ghosts, so to speak?" Jane asked, concern etching her features.
"Not completely, no," Catherine said quietly. "And I'm not sure if I ever will, entirely. I don't really even know if I want to." Jane stepped forward and gathered her daughter into her embrace. "But you were right, it doesn't do to try and keep them buried either." She hugged her mother tightly, sighing at the comfort she could still get from her mother's arms, no matter how old she was.
"You know," Jane said, stepping back from Catherine, "sometimes you can never really have closure on something until you've seen or talked to, in this case, all the parties involved."
"Mum," Catherine warned, shaking her head.
"I know, Catherine, I know how you feel about this and I'm not going to push you," Jane replied, looking solemnly at her daughter. "But the last thing I want you to do is go through the rest of your life with doubts or what-ifs. I'm not going to say anything else about it, but please, just think about that." She patted her daughter on the cheek. "Now, I think I'm going to head to bed myself. Spending a day out with my grandchildren reminded me that I'm not as young as I used to be." Catherine chuckled and Jane squeezed her arm lightly before she left the kitchen.
Catherine turned and wiped down the counters, trying to ignore her mother's words about closure and regrets. The kitchen finished, she turned and went upstairs to check on her children. She knew that if they couldn't take her mind off her musings, nothing could.
She stopped in Miranda's room first and saw the girl already in her bed, sound asleep. She had her panda clutched to her chest and her thumb was in her mouth. Catherine sighed, walking to the bed and sinking down onto the edge. She had been trying to get Miranda to stop sucking her thumb for years now and while she had succeeded during the day, night time was a different story. Catherine gently pulled the thumb from her daughter's mouth and Miranda frowned and then shifted in her sleep, shoving the thumb back into her mouth once more. Catherine smiled and shook her head, pulling the sheet up around her daughter and kissing her on the forehead.
She went into Rory's room next. Her son was in bed with his eyes closed, but when Catherine approached his bed, he opened them and smiled at her. She sat down on the edge of the bed and ruffled his hair.
"I'm glad you had fun today," Catherine said with a smile.
"It was great, Mum," Rory agreed, returning her smile. "But I wish you could have come with us."
"I know sweetheart," Catherine replied. "But sometimes, even mums need a day to themselves."
"Is it because you've been so sad?" Rory asked, looking at her in concern. Catherine, taken aback, didn't answer right away. This was a question she would have expected from Ellie, but not from her son.
"What do you mean?" Catherine asked shakily and Rory shrugged.
"It just seems like ever since Ellie got her Hogwarts letter, you've been sad," Rory replied. "Like your voice, just now, it was shaking." Catherine glanced down at Rory and noticed that his eyes looked a little bright. "Did I do something?" he asked quietly. "I mean I know you were mad at me for taking Manda's bear and all, and me and Ellie have been fighting lately and, well," he broke off and looked up at her miserably.
"Oh Rory," Catherine said, gathering her little boy up into her arms and rocking him. "No, sweetheart, you haven't done anything at all, I promise you." A few tears leaked from her eyes as she kissed him on top of his head. He squeezed her tightly around the waist and after a few minutes she pulled back from him.
"You're right, I have been a bit sad since Ellie got her letter, but it's nothing to do with any of you," Catherine said, putting a finger under his chin and forcing him to look at her. "You and Ellie fighting and floating Miranda's bear, none of that has anything to do with what is going on with me. I think I'd be worried if you and your sisters weren't annoying each other." Rory smiled at this and Catherine chuckled.
"Then what is wrong, Mum?" Rory asked her, serious look on his face.
"I've just been thinking about some things that happened when I was at Hogwarts and they've made me a little sad, that's all," Catherine replied, giving her son a wavering smile.
"How come?" he asked.
"Well, I had some very good friends when I went to school and I haven't seen any of them for a very long time and I miss them," she said simply, running a hand through his hair.
"Well, maybe now that Ellie is going to go there, maybe you can talk to them again. Maybe they have kids that are going to Hogwarts too," Rory said, beaming up at her. Catherine smiled, genuinely this time.
"Yes, perhaps they do," she replied. "Now, time for bed for you." She kissed the tip of his nose and he grimaced, wiping it off with the back of his hand. Catherine laughed and he grinned widely at her, then flung his arms around her neck and squeezed tightly.
"I love you Mum." Catherine felt herself tearing up again and kissed Rory's head once more.
"And I love you, my sweet boy," she whispered. Rory pulled back from her and she smiled. He lay back down in his bed and she covered him up, then ran a hand down his cheek. "Sleep well." He nodded and snuggled under the covers and Catherine left the room, pausing in the doorway to look back at him. He was so different from his father, Catherine sometimes had a hard time believing that Daniel was even related to him. Rory was much more like, Catherine paused, her breath catching. She had been about to say Sirius, she knew, and the thought constricted around her heart like an iron band.
"If only he had been," she whispered to herself, before turning away and walking toward her oldest daughter's room.
When Catherine stopped in the doorway of Ellie's room, she saw the girl sitting at her desk, reading something while brushing her hair. Catherine leaned against the door frame, watching the sure strokes of her daughter's brush through her hair for a few seconds before entering.
"Want me to do that?" Catherine asked, indicating the brush in Ellie's hand. Ellie hesitated, looking up at her mother and then smiled.
"Sure Mum," she replied, handing the brush to Catherine. Catherine moved behind her daughter and began brushing.
"I haven't done this for you in a while," Catherine said and Ellie shrugged.
"You're usually busy with Manda's rat nest," Ellie stated and Catherine snorted, smiling at the nickname her children had for their youngest sibling. Rory had been unable to say Miranda at 2 ½, Manda all that he could manage to get out, and the nickname had stuck.
"That's one word for it," Catherine agreed. While their hair was the same shade of blonde, Ellie had inherited her father's smooth, straight locks while Miranda, unfortunately for her, had gotten her mother's thick, curly ones. Which also translated to unruly, Catherine thought smirking.
"What's funny?" Ellie asked.
"Just thinking how your hair seems to mirror your personalities," Catherine replied. At Ellie's confused look, Catherine elaborated. "Yours is smooth and even, with the occasional stubborn knot to work out while your sister's is just wild and all over the place." Ellie laughed at this description, then sobered quickly as she seemed to be contemplating what her mother had said.
"What is it El?" Catherine asked, concerned she had somehow hurt her daughter's feelings.
"Do you ever wish I was more like Manda or Rory?" she asked quietly.
"In what way?" Catherine returned, confused by the question.
"I don't know they're both so," Ellie paused, clearly unsure how to form her thoughts into words. "Loud," she finally said and Catherine laughed out loud, causing Ellie to giggle. But the girl quieted quickly again. "That's not really what I mean," she said shaking her head. Catherine set the brush down and sat down on Ellie's bed. She turned her daughter's chair so Ellie faced her.
"Ellie, I don't want you to be anyone but yourself," Catherine said, beginning to understand what Ellie was asking. She waited, knowing there was more on her daughter's mind.
"Sometimes I think that maybe I'm too much like," Ellie stopped and bit her lip, glancing up at her mother. "That I'm too much like Daddy and that makes you sad." Catherine took a deep breath and took her daughter's hands in hers.
"Ellie, look at me please," Catherine began and when her daughter finally raised her head, Catherine could see the tears shining in her eyes. "I loved your father once. If I hadn't, I never would have married him or had the three of you. Ellie, your dad had some wonderful qualities and if you have those same qualities then you should be nothing but proud of them."
"Yes, but," Ellie began, but Catherine silenced her with a finger to the girl's lips.
"No, Ellie," Catherine admonished. "Things didn't work out between your father and me, that's true. But part of that was my fault. I lied to your father for a very long time and about something very important. And while it's easy to blame him for everything that happened, and rightly so for quite a bit of it, you can't forget my part. I can sit here and say that if I could, I would have done things differently, but if I had, the three of you might not be here, so I don't know if I would have." Ellie looked shocked at this and Catherine shrugged. "I regret a lot of things that happened with your father, especially everything that happened after he found out, but having the three of you is not one of them." Ellie looked at her for a moment and then nodded, Catherine gathering the girl up into her arms. She sighed as her daughter melted into her embrace and Catherine wondered once again if perhaps Ellie had been hurt too deeply.
Miranda had been just a baby when her father left, Catherine didn't even think that she really remembered him at all. Rory, while old enough to remember, had still been quite young and his personality was one that seemed to allow him to bounce back quite quickly from the trauma he and Ellie had gone through. But Ellie, Ellie had been six and a definite daddy's girl and everything that had come in the year after had just broken her down even more. Catherine remembered the child she had scooped into her arms the night that everything had finally exploded and shuddered at the seeming deadness that had been in her eyes.
And then there were the nights that followed when Ellie would wake up screaming from a nightmare, but once Catherine appeared in her room, would roll over on her side and pretend that she hadn't seen her mother. It was only Jane that was able to get through to Ellie, only Jane that Ellie would allow to hold her and comfort her after one of her dreams, even going so far as to sleep in her grandmother's room for a few months when the dreams were at their worst. And Catherine would lie in her bed and sob when she heard her daughter's screams and know there was nothing she could do to help her.
But Ellie had slowly come back to her. Catherine could still remember the first time her daughter smiled at her, with no prompting from anyone else and the day that she shyly took Catherine's hand when they were at the zoo. Catherine had been able to hold back her tears by the very slimmest of margins, simply squeezing Ellie's hand and not looking at her. And then later, when they had come home, Catherine had cried on her own mother's shoulder, thanking her for all the cautions for patience that Jane had given. And the next time that Ellie had a dream, Catherine had heard "Mummy!" being yelled from her room, she had very nearly flown to her daughter's side and stayed with her the rest of the night, simply watching her and running a hand through her hair.
"Mum?" Ellie said in concern and Catherine shook herself from her reverie.
"Sorry, sweetheart, I was just remembering," Catherine said, cupping Ellie's cheek with her hand. Ellie leaned into her for a moment then sat up, still looking a bit uncertain.
"Are you sure?" she said, breaking off and biting her lip.
"Eleanor Catherine, I want you to listen to me very carefully," Catherine began holding her daughter's gaze. "I love you for you, everything about you, good and bad, and I would never, ever, ask you to stop being who you are." She searched her daughter's face, hoping that she understood Catherine's meaning, since changing who she was, was exactly what her father had expected. Ellie looked at her for a few moments then finally nodded, hugging her mother again.
"Although, the eye rolling I could do without," Catherine added, cheekily. To which her daughter responded with the most exaggerated eye roll Catherine had ever seen, which was saying a lot, considering Catherine had once been friends with Myra MacKenzie. Soon, the two were laughing until their sides hurt.
"All right, into bed with you," Catherine said once they had calmed down. "You've had a long day." Ellie climbed in and snuggled down under the covers her mother pulled up over her. "I thought we might go to Diagon Alley and get your supplies in a few days," Catherine said once Ellie was sufficiently tucked in.
"Okay," Ellie said, smiling. Catherine patted her cheek and leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you Ellie-bell," Catherine said.
"Me too Mum," Ellie replied, for once not complaining about the childhood nickname. Catherine turned and began to walk out of the room. "Mum?" she heard when she reached the door.
"Yes, sweetheart," Catherine said turned back around.
"Was it a boy, Mum?" Ellie asked and Catherine's brow furrowed at the question.
"What are you talking about Ellie?"
"What Grandma said that day you took me out to lunch, the extenuating circumstances," Ellie explained. "Was it a boy?" Catherine took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then went back into Ellie's room and sat down on the edge of her bed.
"Yes, Ellie, it was a boy," she replied quietly. Ellie nodded.
"Maybe, when I go to Hogwarts, maybe you can find him again and then maybe you won't be so sad anymore. I could help you." Catherine sat in silence, unable to say anything. "I don't want you to be sad, Mum," Ellie whispered and then she turned on her side, burrowing under her covers in embarrassment. Catherine reached a hand out and brushed it over Ellie's hair, as she felt the tears begin to gather in her eyes. She stood abruptly and walked from the room, stopping just as she crossed into the hall.
"Maybe, Ellie, maybe," she said, very quietly, and as she walked down the hall, her daughter smiled in the darkness.
When Catherine reached her room, she crossed to the window and looked out into the night. She pulled the locket from inside of her shirt and rubbed her fingers lightly over it as she forced herself to look up at the stars. She wondered, not for the first time, just where Sirius was and if he was happy. As her eyes travelled from one constellation to the next, naming them all in her mind and she felt as if it had been just yesterday that she had been up on the Astronomy tower with Sirius. She stared up at the night sky for what seemed like hours, wiping away a stray tear now and then.
She closed her eyes and popped the locket open with trembling fingers. After staring at the two small pictures for a few moments, she tuned to the nightstand beside her bed and opened the drawer. Her wand lay of the array of items in the drawer and Catherine pulled it out. She held her wand in one hand and the locket in the other before finally making up her mind. She set her wand down on her bed and reached up and unclasped the locket and laid it in the bed next to her wand. Crossing to her door, she closed it quietly and then moved back to the bed. For a few minutes, Catherine simply stared at the two items lying there. And then she took a deep breath and sat down on the bed.
Picking up her wand, she pointed it at the locket and spoke the spell. There was a small part of her that thought that perhaps the spell wouldn't work, that it had been too long, that the magic had spoiled or something. But almost instantly the images began to glow and then formed into the two small figures she remembered so well. She watched the sequence over and over again, not even realizing that the tears were once again running down her face. The night of her 16th birthday had been one of the most wonderful nights of her life. Even now, after all this time, she still had a hard time believing that it had gone so terribly wrong just one short month later.
A/N2 - In case you were wondering, the "animatum" simply means animate in Latin. :)
