It happened again at breakfast. Dan was pouring himself a bowl of cereal when he zoned out for a second. It was like being in the dream all over again, but now there was a song playing. He still couldn't hear what they were saying, all sound was drowned out by the music, except for the last few snippets of the argument.
'Dan! Woah, calm down there.'
Phil was by his side and taking the box of cereal from his hand. Dan looked down and saw the bowl overflowing, with lucky charms scattered across the worktop. His hand was shaking and he dropped into a chair as Phil went about rescuing the spilt cereal. It was maddening. He could see their lips moving, but it was like he was behind a glass wall. And there was that feeling, that overwhelming feeling that whatever they were arguing about was really important. He needed to know.
'Phil…' Dan started, turning in his chair to face his boyfriend. Phil had his back to Dan as he carried on brushing the cereal from the worktop into his hand. He didn't turn around, but he hummed in acknowledgment. 'Tell me about the night of the accident.'
From behind, Dan saw Phil's back tense, and he straightened up slowly. A moment later, he spoke.
'Dan… you know how bad I feel about it. You know I don't really want to talk about it again.' He poured the last few marshmallows pieces into the box and slid the box back into the cupboard. 'So, do you want to go out today? I was thinking we could have coffee and spend some time in town.'
Dan vaguely registered that Phil's voice sounded falsely cheery but before he could think about it too much, Phil had sat down in the seat opposite him and was sliding the saved bowl of cereal across the table.
'Um, yeah sure. Sounds nice.' Dan smiled and took a spoonful of cereal. His hand was still shaking slightly, but Phil didn't seem to notice, or at least, he didn't ask.
Dan watched Phil walk up to the counter. He hadn't even needed to ask, he already knew Dan's order better than Dan did. Spotting an empty table by the window, he slid into one of the free seats and rested his head on his hands to watch Phil. His boyfriend could be so awkward sometimes, in a very endearing way. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet slightly as he ordered the coffee, and when the barista turned away, he would glance back at Dan with a huge grin.
The door to the café opened with the ring of a bell, and a swirl of cold air rushed past Dan, ruffling his hair a little. He heard a familiar laugh, and looked up to see Luke entering, with his arm around another blond guy. Dan watched as he sent his friend to order with a peck on the cheek and his eyes swept the room for a table. The moment their eyes met, two thoughts ran through Dan head at the speed of a bullet: One, Luke was going to come over and sit with him again, and two, for some reason, Phil would not be happy about this.
Phil pulled Dan roughly by the hand and led him out of the café.
'What the hell was that?' Dan exclaimed as they turned a corner, Phil almost pulling him over he was walking so fast. 'Luke was only chatting to me, he's my friend! There was no need to storm out like that, without even drinking the coffees you paid for.'
'I told him not to go near you, why can't he let it go? What did he say to you?' Phil turned around abruptly, causing Dan to hurl forwards into his chest and bounce back.
'Woah, Phil, there's no need for this protective boyfriend crap, he's just a friend, and besides, he wasn't exactly going to try anything with his boyfriend standing right there.' Dan yanked his hand out of Phil's grip and carried on walking.
'His boyfriend?' Phil repeated, walking just a step behind Dan.
'Yes, boyfriend. So you can stop worrying now.' They reached their door and Dan unlocked it, holding it open for Phil, who was staring down at his hands.
The argument was over something so stupid that even the next day, Dan couldn't remember what started it. He just knew how it had finished, and how through the lies had finally come clarity.
'Just shut up Phil! I don't need you like you think I do. You're the one who needs me, just admit it.'
'You don't need me? That's rich, a month ago you were begging me to stay!'
'I- wait, what?'
'I mean- you do need me, ok.'
'I was begging you to stay?'
'It doesn't matter, that was a stupid argument, it's in the past.'
'Were you leaving me?'
'No, you just thought I was. I… I was just suggesting a break. But we're ok now.'
'Was that… the night of the accident?'
'Maybe, I can't remember.'
'Yes you can Phil. You're lying to me, aren't you? You're hiding something from me.'
'No I-'
'How long have you been lying, Phil?'
'I haven't lied to you about anything, I don't know what-'
'I know that you lied about that night. I remembered the car journey. We were arguing about something but you never mention that. I remember it so don't even try to keep lying. What are you hiding?'
'Nothing. I-'
'STOP IT! I can't take it anymore Phil, just tell me.'
'I love you, I don't want stupid things from the past to come between us.'
'Why won't you-'
Phone rings. Dan looks down at it. It's Luke. He stares without answering and looks up at Phil.
'Oh.'
'What, Dan? Who is it? What's going on?'
'There was someone else, wasn't there?'
'I-I don't…'
'You were leaving me for someone else, weren't you? That's what we were arguing about. That's why I was begging for you to stay.'
'Dan, please, you don't know what you're saying-'
'Was it Luke?' He said slowly. 'Was. It. Luke?'
'You don't have to do this, we can go back to the way we were, we've been so happy the last few weeks.'
'You're not denying it.' He sobbed loudly, feeling his knees go weak.
'I don't want to hurt you. Please, let's just stop this. Don't make me say it.'
'Phil, tell me! Were you leaving me for Luke?'
'I – yes, ok? You happy now? Yes, I was leaving you for Luke. We were growing apart, you never had time for me anymore. You were so busy getting famous that you forgot who started it all. And I never meant to hurt you, but Luke was there. He listened, he cared, he understood me. All the times you blew me off, all the times you were too busy to listen, he was there. And one day I realised that he was treating me better than my own boyfriend. That night, the night of the accident, we were at a party. You went off on your own, you were drinking and flirting with other guys. And so I went off with Luke. And you caught us kissing. That's what we were arguing about on the way home. You only realised what you had once you lost it. You were begging me to stay, and that's when we crashed.'
'Then why did you stay? Huh? After the accident, why didn't you just go? Why did you stay and pretend that everything was ok? Why did you make me believe that we were happily in love?'
'You were different after the accident. You lost your memory, you forgot about all the other things that had taken up your time. You were like the old Dan again, like when I first met you. It reminded me why I had ever loved you.'
'And Luke? He just let you go back to me without a fight?'
Phil looked down at the ground and bit his lip.
'Phil… you- you did leave him, right? You left him and came back to me.'
'I… I couldn't be sure that your memory loss was permanent, that you wouldn't just turn back into the boyfriend I had before. I didn't see him often… but sometimes, yeah, I carried on seeing him. I didn't mean to hurt you, that's not what I wanted! But it was complicated. I still loved both of you, I couldn't give either of you up.'
'So this whole time, you've been seeing him behind my back? My best friend!'
'Dan, I'm so sorry.'
'No you're not. You're just sorry you got caught. I can't believe you did this to me, I can't believe he did this to me!' He swallowed. 'Get out.'
'No, Dan please, I love you!'
'I said get out! I don't care what you say, I don't care how many times you tell me you're sorry.'
'I can change. I'll stop seeing him, I promise.'
'No. You know what, he can have you. You both deserve each other. I never want to see either of you again.'
It wasn't until Phil's belongings had disappeared, leaving the apartment bare and lifeless, that Dan realised he was truly on his own. And that was when he finally saw all the scary and amazing and incredible possibilities that would bring.
