Spike had disappeared into the kitchen for the last half an hour, Angel, Lorne and Gunn were over. He'd been going over Buffy's words over and over again his head.
"Not now. Not now. Not now".
What did that mean? It wasn't much to think on but his mind was in overdrive, coming up with all sorts of "what if's". He leaned over the sink, feeling sick with anxiousness, drumming his fingers whilst waiting for the last of the voices from the other room to fade. Once he'd heard the last farewell, from who he thought was Angel, Spike slowly made his way towards the kitchen door. He opened the door a crack, not attracting the attention of Buffy, and saw her push shut the door with her back before slumping into a sitting position, rubbing her face with her hands. He stood there for a few minutes watching her breathe heavily and gently rock herself. Without thinking, he made his way in to the living room and over to her. Buffy snapped her head up to look at her disgraced boyfriend. He stopped a few steps away from her as she got to her feet and crossed her arms.
"Why didn't you just tell me?", she croaked after a few seconds of impossible silence.
If his heart could be beat, the thumping of it would be making his body shake all over right now.
"I was going to...", he started, the tears forming behind his eyes changing the pitch of his voice. He refused to let them fall.
"But I wanted to give Illyria a chance. I didn't think she knew any better. I thought it was an accident...".
All Buffy could do was stare at him, with betrayed eyes. She started pacing up and down the room slightly, her arms never leaving their folded position across her chest.
"I'm not angry because you protected Illyria of all people. I'm not angry with her because she tried to kill me. I'm used to people trying to kill me by now. I'm angry because I'm pretty sure a few days ago we'd left the past behind and promised not to keep anything from each other. Why couldn't you have just told me straight away? I wouldn't have gone off the rails and tried to find Illyria like you thought I might've done".
Spike went to interject but was interrupted by Buffy.
"Don't try to deny it because I know you Spike. I know from how you act, what you think I'll do or react to something".
Spike pulled out a chair from the table and spun it round to sit on it backwards. Buffy walked over and crouched down in front of Spike, their foreheads lightly touching and strands of her hair brushing his cheek. She entwined her fingers with his and tried to get him to look at her but he was too ashamed to open his heavy eyes.
"What's Illyria done to get you to chose her over me?".
Spike's eyelids flung open and he suddenly squeezed her hand tightly.
"Why would I choose her? I've done everything to be with you", Spike replied, the tears choking him by now.
"Then why does it feel like your loyalties lie with Illyria even now?". Buffy was on the verge of tears too.
"I didn't tell you because I thought she was confused because of -". Spike suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"Because of what?", she asked anxiously.
"Because she's in love with me ".
The words screamed in his head like nails on a chalkboard. Buffy bit her lip and hung her head.
"Right...". Spike knew there was no way he could lie now if he there was any way forward for the pair of them.
"Have you ever thought about her like that?".
"I may have thought about it..once or twice. I had no idea where you were or who you were with and she was the only one who really understood me and wanted to be around me. Like Fred. I won't go as far as to say I had feelings for her".
Buffy nodded and smiled before slumping onto the floor and leaning against Spike's lap. She closed her eyes and a single tear dripped down her cheek. Spike hesitantly sat down beside her and pulled her head to his shoulder but she didn't pull away. She welcomed his comfort. He didn't know what to say next but at the same time he didn't care. He just wanted to hold her, take care of her and not think about how long or little time he had left with her...
By the time they'd finished talking, it was well past 4am and the exhausted slayer had fallen asleep in his arms. He'd carried her to the bedroom and draped a blanket over her. The bags under her eyes had darkened and he knew it wasn't just down to exhaustion. He pictured how she looked when he first saw her again down the alley by the hotel. Her bright eyes were sparkling even in the pitch black, her soft blonde hair bounced around in the wind, not a dark ring on her face was in sight. She was happy and had moved on from the events in Sunnydale, she was relatively out of danger as much as a slayer could be and had a stable life with Dawn. Since he'd turned up, he'd unburied her old demons and unwelcome feelings, separated her from Dawn. She would've happily gone with her to Greece if he hadn't have been around. And his fucked up relationship with Illyria had put her in danger. Maybe she was better off without him. She'd hurt like hell again for a while but in the long term, him staying out of her life would be beneficial for her mental and physical state. It was about 6:30 now and Buffy was still in a deep sleep. Spike lay next to her, brushing hair out of her face and every now and then placing gentle kisses on her neck and face, more to reassure himself that she was still with him than to comfort her. He was about to drift off to sleep himself when he felt her waist wriggle under his hand. She moaned and stretched out her arms, grabbing the headboard. She switched sides so that she was facing Spike and was aware of his presence beside her but her eyes remained firmly shut. Spike had no idea how she was feeling or what to say to her. If this was what it was going to be like every time they fucked up... Spike gently slid off the bed incase she wasn't fully awake and grabbed his duster from a nearby chair. He skulked towards the front door but stopped when he caught sight of the dining table chair, that he had pulled out last night, still sitting in the middle of the room. He recalled all the bull he'd thought about last night. How he was only concerned about losing Buffy and not about how betrayed she felt by him. He shook the memories from his mind and continued towards the door. As soon as she heard the door shut, Buffy opened her eyes and immediately sat up. She didn't know what to think about anything either but there was one thing she did know. She knew how he felt. She was just as confused as him about what the future held...
Spike had lost track of time. He'd been out for at least 8 hours just walking around town thinking. He still hadn't come to any conclusion about what to do. He felt seriously weak and light headed and he wondered if that had something to do with the fact that he hadn't fed in over 3 days. Before making the way home, he stopped off at the butchers for a few sacks of pigs blood when he stopped outside the entrance, recognising the blonde at the counter. Buffy. What was she doing here? He knew she'd seen him when she hurried up the butcher and rushed through the crowd towards the entrance. Spike began to panic and frantically spun on the spot to run off when she was on him in seconds.
"Spike!", she yelled as she ran in front of him and stopped him from running any further by pushing her free hand to his chest.
"Running isn't gonna sort this. You of all people should know".
"You don't deserve what I've done to you. I don't know what else there is to sort". Buffy sighed in frustration.
"Can you stop wallowing in self pity for one moment and focus on the future not what you've done in the past". Spike felt uncomfortable as she stepped closer.
"What's done is done. We all mess up. Hell I'm the slayer I should know!". Spike still wasn't convicted.
"All I'm saying is that you meant well even if the decision you made wasn't the best one. It was stupid of me to expect that nothing would go wrong in this relationship. I'm not letting you go because of some jealous psycho demon bitch trying to kill me".
Spike smiled and finally lifted his sad eyes to hers.
"Believe me we've been up against worse", she continued.
Buffy dropped the paper bag full of blood and the pair embraced, holding each other tightly. Her arms wrapped around his neck and his around her back as they both silently wept with frustration and relief. Buffy pulled away, smiling as she did.
"C'mon. Looks like we got a date with Angel"...
