As per usual, I want to welcome all the new readers, and continue to thank all those that loyally review, or those that have alerted or favorited my fic. I still find it amazing that so many of you have stayed by my side as this story continues. I'm so fortunate to have incredible readers as all of you. *sniffles*
Musical Inspiration for Edward's POV is "Used To" by Daughtry. It's pretty spot on to how he's feeling.
(Edit: Outfits for this chapter are available on my profile.)
***Disclaimer:*** I do not own the rights to Daughtry's music and all character names and references to "Twilight" belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer. I am just trying to create a world where Emmett and Bella could be together.
"Chapter 11: Transport Us Through Time"
EdPOV
As I settle my suit-clad body back into the plush, comfortable seating of first class, I smooth my tie over me chest and glance out the window at the dark pavement below the plane. Waiting for my fellow business associates and other random executives to fill in the space around me, I take out my phone and hold it casually in my hand, staring down at the picture of my beautiful Bella that occupies the screen. Continuing to get lost in her scarlet pout and the warm coffee tone in her eyes, I feel my heart flutter, the love I feel for her detonates in my chest as the warmth spreads throughout my body. I remember the very first day I saw her as if it were mere minutes ago.
I was walking to my engineering class with an old friend and Rosalie's brother, Jasper, and I threw my head back with laughter at one of his jokes. Upon pulling my face forward, I heard the most gorgeous voice I had ever heard in my life and my neck nearly broke as it snapped in her direction. My body started drifting toward her on its own accord, but I wouldn't have fought it anyway, I was entranced by her. Jasper's voice was left lingering in the air behind me as my brain was caught in a miasma of her presence. She was beautiful, and my eyes washed over her body, drinking her in greedily as if I had been parched my whole life. The pallid color of her skin was glowing in the light of the sun while crafty red tints speared their way through her long waves of chestnut brown, twisting into perfect curls as they cascaded over her shoulder and washed along the tops of her breasts. As she tucked a disobedient piece of hair behind her ear, I must have caught her attention because she turned her face so that her glimmering eyes caught mine. Biting down on her perfect bottom lip, a rose blush crept across her cheeks as she continued to gaze upon me, and I swear my heart exploded against my ribs. She was achingly charismatic. Reaching her, I was mesmerized by the way she swayed her body and looked at me from beneath her dark, curved lashes, her innocence exuded all around her. She had to have been an angel... an angel sent to rescue me because at that moment, I was finding it difficult to breathe, and I knew in that second, I wanted her to be mine.
"Edward, put your phone away, we just left. She'll be fine," Rosalie chides as she takes the seat across the aisle in front of me, instantly breaking me from my reflection.
"But Rose-" I start before she cuts me off abruptly.
"Dammit, Edward, you have to let the girl have a little independence. She's been up under you all week, let the woman breathe for once," she states in angry whispers.
"You think I'm… suffocating her?" I question worriedly, my eyebrows bunching together as I ponder the thought. I don't want to be that guy- the one that's more of a shadow than a boyfriend.
Rosalie's face instantly softens as she tucks her legs under her and eases her body across the aisle, resting her elbows on her knees as she leans toward me. "Listen, Edward, believe me, I know you love her. I do. But for Christ's sake, we haven't even left the airport yet. You can't call her every fifteen minutes while we're gone and question her about what's she doing. She's a big girl now, let her act like one. Emmett never hassles me while I'm away, it's just not a guy thing to do. What's that saying? Oh yeah, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Take it from me, don't bug the shit out of her, and she'll be ecstatic to see you when we get home," she declares, winking at me and patting my hand in a matronly manner before she retreats back into her seat.
God, how I want to believe Rose, have faith that she sleeps restlessly because for once she's dreaming of me. I hope that she pictures me around our house and waits to hear my voice over the phone like I do her. Damn, I'm so whipped.
As the plane readies to leave the runway, the light comes on overhead signaling for us to put on our seatbelts as they announce to turn off all electronics. I have to restrain myself to keep from kissing her picture in absence of the real thing, not wanting to look like a complete freak, and just power it down. Rolling my head to my shoulder, I watch as the plane gathers speed and we ultimately leave the ground.
Eventually the pilot comes over the intercom and goes through the usual airline speech of forecast and arrival time as my eyes concentrate exclusively on the sky outside of the small porthole. I find subtle bits of peace in the clouds and the city below me, but my mind wonders back to the conversation of mine and Rosalie's previous business trip.
Rose giggled to herself as her eyes focused across the aisle to me. "I think they'll have sex this week."
I immediately blanched, my chest burning with her words as my stomach jumped into my throat. "What makes you say that?" I question cautiously, not really certain if I wanted to know the answer or not.
She just rolled her eyes and started stroking the ends of her hair indifferently as she affirmed, "You can't be that blind."
I sighed heavily because I knew exactly what she was talking about. If I hadn't noticed them exchanging longing glances and their unequivocal interest in one another beforehand, Bella calling his name out in her sleep would have been a dead giveaway. Man, that part really sucked. Up until this point, I had always figured Bella was like every other human, looking but never touching, dreaming but never seeking him out.
For some reason, the silence between us made me feel like I was being disrespectful to Rose so I spoke softly while avoiding her knowing eyes, "I… don't think…she…would." If the statement hadn't been spoken as a question, then the hesitancy in my voice made me sound completely unbelieving of the very words from my mouth.
Rose just resituated her skirt and giggled. "Come on, Masen, it isn't really that bad."
I did it again. I couldn't control the twitch of my body as it seized at her words as if she had slapped me with a frozen Porterhouse steak. How could she act so disinterested, as if thinking about her boyfriend with another woman didn't just rip her heart out? I could feel mine tighten up with the very idea of some other guy even looking at Bella, my hands automatically curling into shaking fists.
Finally, my curiosity gave way as my words fell from my lips like rushing flood waters, "I don't understand how you seem so unaffected by this. How can you sit there and not even bat an eye to the thought of some other woman's body lying on top of your boyfriend? How isn't it… killing you?"
She raised her eyes to meet mine as she dropped the blond locks from her fingertips and exhaled an exacerbated breath. As she straightened her back, she muttered something along the likes of "fucking men and their territorial natures," which had me quirking a brow. I wasn't… possessive, was I?
"Look, Eduardo, I'm going to do my best to explain something to you, and it would be wise of you to listen up and take heed to my advice," she stated in a calm, yet assured style.
I nodded my head tentatively, letting her know she'd have my utmost attention.
"Here's the deal, you're my friend as is she. You have to remember, you're the first real shot Bella had at a decent guy. All the guys before you were loser assholes who treated her like crap, and only used Bella to try to get into her pants. When she wouldn't fuck them, they dropped her. Then she meets you, Mr. Fucking Amazing with your pretty boy features and alluring voice, and I imagine she felt like she won the jackpot. But, you're Bella's only source of happiness, the only shot she's had at experiencing what being in love has to offer. She's still relatively young and naïve when it comes to exploring sex and knowing her body. You aren't married yet, so you really don't have entitlement to what she does." She paused briefly, still making sure I was listening carefully before she continued. "Personally, I think you're damn lucky it's Emmett she decided to mess around with instead of some random fucker at that park she hangs out in."
"Now, as far as how I can handle it… I'm no martyr or nun, I've done my harmless flirting, but just like Emmett knows I'm not going anywhere, I know he isn't either," she finished, pursing her lips and curving her a single brow upward as if to say 'I own him.'
I let her words tumble around in my head, and she did have a point. Although the fact of Bella being with another man made my throat muscles constrict involuntarily, I was lucky that it was Emmett of all possible men. He was about as standup a guy as they came, someone I admired and cherished as a friend, but was I really considering going along with this… I don't know what to call it- whatever they may or may not be doing?
I closed my eyes, resigned to the fact that I was. I would give Bella the world if it meant her happiness, and if Emmett was something that could make her happy for a little while, I'd suck up my pride and let it happen. After all, it couldn't possibly last forever could it?
As if Rose had read my thoughts she declared, "It won't last forever, Edward. They'll inevitably tire of one another. New sex is always good in the beginning, it's exciting, but over time, when you don't have the emotions to back it up, it just becomes lackluster sex. You know she loves you. I've never seen her look at another man the way she looks at you. It's actually quite complex, almost like she's in awe of you."
After accidentally bumping my shoulder and jostling my body and mind back to the present, the flight attendant asks if she could assist me with anything. After declining the customary drink and watching the stewardess' departure, my eyes sweep across the aisle to Rose. She has a pensive expression on her face as she bites her manicured thumb nail and looks thoughtfully back at me. Without a word, she gathers her planner in her hands and crosses the small space between us, inclining her head toward the empty seat beside me. "May I?"
I nod slowly, quickly gathering my own supplies, and stow it away on the floor below me. Sitting back up, I turn to offer a smile until I'm met with fierce, honey-brown eyes. "You really are stressing over all this, aren't you?" she questions, concern taking form in her sad eyes and subtle frown.
I force my eyes away from hers, hoping that maybe if she can't see into mine, she won't know how hard it was for me to leave the house- how difficult it had been for me to walk away from our apartment; and leave Bella, the love of my life, in the company of another man. Just as I attempt to lie, I feel a soft toe make contact with the hem of my pants, my body instantly stiffening and becoming completely rigid. As the velvety flesh of her appendage inches its way under the fabric of my pants, she starts gliding along the sensitive skin of my shin. Reflexively, I grip the armrest stoutly with my hand while sucking in a shuddering breath. What the hell?
My apprehensive eyes immediately snap to Rose's just as her fingers start working across the jacket-covered area of my forearm. Peering up at me slowly beneath her lashes, I swallow deeply as her fingers steadily climb up my arm. I am so lost right now, what is she doing?
I watch as she bites down on her lower lip with a smile, and wrench my eyes away from her face as I track her French-tipped fingernails digging into the dark wool of my Prada suit as they dance along the folds of the fabric. Goosebumps break out across my skin as my eyes become heavy, and I shake my head roughly, trying to bring relativity to the situation.
"I could make you forget about it for a little while," she purrs as she leans toward me and nuzzles my neck. "I can make you forget everything."
My ribs vibrate with the vigorous tremors of my heart as it rockets around loosely in my chest, and I swallow hoarsely against the dryness in my mouth. I imagine my eyes as big as saucers as I just stare at her, completely flabbergasted, lost to what she's insinuating. She reaches up and wraps her hand around my tie, tugging it loose from beneath my jacket as she pulls me closer to her, skimming along my jawline with the bridge of her nose and inhales deeply.
I mean, Rose is really beautiful. Her golden blond hair falls in big curls and shines against the light tan of her skin. Her smoldering eyes remind me of butterscotch and her lips resemble the color of candy apples. Her body is shapely and she's very attractive, but we had tried the whole dating thing back in high school, and it didn't work out. I have so much to thank Rose for, she's the very best friend a guy could want, but there is no other woman for me but Bella. For the past four years, that woman has been my life, and I'd marry her in a minute if she would have me.
I can sense my mouth open and closing rapidly as the wheels churn in my brain, trying to find an appropriate way to let Rose know that I'm not interested, but I'm too frenzied. The way her fingers delicately stroke the length of my forearm keeps registering in my brain and has me in a haze of doubt and confusion.
Before I can completely wrap my mind around her advances, her musical laughter bellows out in the tiny cabin of first class, gaining the attention of a few of its passengers as she leans her head against my shoulder. "God, I'm just fucking with you. Lighten up, will you?"
Relief.
My breath rushes out of my chest promptly upon hearing her words. Laying my head on top of hers, I sigh deeply, rustling her flaxen tresses before saying, "Thank Christ, you almost scared the shit out of me for a second."
She just chuckles and wraps her arm around mine, tucking her elbow closely to my body and snuggles tightly against me. Nudging my shoulder with her cheek, she whispers, "Talk to me, Edward. Tell me what's on your mind."
Her inquiry is the only encouragement I need. Rose is my confidant, someone I can divulge all my secrets to easily and entrust that she'll give me sound advice. The syllables spill out of my mouth as I tell her in hurried, rushed whispers about how uncertain I have become about everything, how much I miss how Bella and I used to be, and how much I wanted theold us back.
I depend on Bella more than I allow myself or her to acknowledge. She's my lifeline, the sole reason I want to live and breathe. I cherish waking up to her each morning, dread going to the office because I feel like I'm missing out on precious time with her, and rush to get home after work so that I can hold her in my arms again. I require her soft strawberry fragrance to breathe easier. Her voice is essential to me; it calms the tempestuous movements of my brain. Her tender touch contributes to the soothing of the frequent tension in my muscles. I need her to survive, she is everything to me. However, as of late, I feel like she's slipping away, piece by piece, I'm losing her.
I disclose with Rose about how I started noticing her distance after we arrived back from the previous trip. The guilt I knew she was harboring rolled off her in waves, and no matter how much I tried to reassure her that everything would be fine, it seemed as though she had built a wall, and for the first time since our relationship had began, I was on the other side.
Over this past week, she seemed really short-fused and fatigued. I had tried to write it off as feminine issues, but when her monthly never came around, I was left as baffled as I am now.
Then, I began sharing with Rose about the instances that I had caught most recently between Emmett and Bella. Coming into the living room that one night, the way she was sauntering over to him, the way her eyes glowed as she appraised Emmett in the chair had made my knees wobble and my heart clench in my chest. I knew that stare well because that's how she looked at me when we first started dating. Better yet, it was the way that Emmett was observing her that had me tilting my head in observation. His body was tense but relaxed as he stared at her with such adoration. It was clear that I had walked in on an intimate moment, a time shared between them, and my entrance had been unwarranted and undesirable, no matter how fortuitous my reasoning had been.
Later on in the evening, when we were watching television, Bella's phone had chimed, and after a small gasp, she clutched the device to her chest like it was her lifeline. I wondered what she had read, but after following her gaze, I saw how fixated she was on Emmett, and I knew. My heart sank as I realized she had been affected by his words, and for the first time I wanted to go through her phone. I needed to study her messages and read the words that made her face flush and her breathing speed up… and I yearned to destroy them because I desired to be the only man that could manipulate her bodily reactions like he had. I could feel a fissure starting to develop in our relationship. As the concrete that binds us together starts to loosen, she'll fall, and with my trembling hands, I want be able to grab onto her because I would have fallen long before she had ever started her decent. I was on the edge of losing my sanity, the last remnants of it starting to crumble the very minute I allowed Bella to escape into another man's embrace.
What seems like mere minutes turns into a couple hours and the whole while, Rose sits silently with her limbs tangled in mine as all my insecurities race from my heart and mind and out from between my lips. Long after I finish, we just ease further into our chair as she mulls over my words and they continue to resonate in the air around me.
A short time later, after our plane lands and we locate our limo. Slipping into our source of transportation, we travel across town to the hotel we're dwelling at during our stay. After checking in, we head up to our suite.
I shuffle to my room and lie back on the bed before I get up and walk across the room to retrieve my phone from my briefcase. Turning it on, I stare at the empty screen- no missed calls, no text messages, no new voicemails.
The suspicions about what could be occupying her time start to swirl around in my brain, weighing down my body as I can only assume what's holding her captive. I pace across the room, stopping occasionally to glance in the floor length mirror at myself, finding that all the worry, self-loathing, and anger is construing my face into a tortured piece of work. The love I hold for Bella is quickly becoming misplaced with resentment as I find it hard to believe that she could so callously chip away at the foundation of our relationship- honesty, devotion, and respect. Where are all those things? Had I not given everything to her?
I halt this line of thinking though, because it was me that gave her the space she needed to grow as a person. I told her she could do as she pleased. I permitted her to do this. Me.
I walk over to my suitcase, hauling it up from the floor, and toss it onto the bed in a fit of bitterness. Unzipping it hurriedly, I shuffle through the items I packed and start tossing them in drawers with more force than necessary, slamming them closed after it was filled. I walk over and grab the handle to the closet, feeling the cold metal under my grasp and twist it open. Staring at the emptiness of the space, I realizes that as much as my love for Bella imbues my system, I feel absolutely barren without her. My anger rises again, the metal bar of the closet hisses as I forcefully slide the hangers onto them. Backing out of the closet, I push my hands into the pocket of my trousers and gaze frigidly at the void that seems to be mocking me. I stumble back away from it, the back of my legs making contact with the edge of the bed, figuring if I succumbed to the pressure and calling of the darkness, I'd only feel more alone.
Rose walks into the room, sliding her finger across her PDA while rambling on about meetings and dinners before she takes in my distant temperament and stops short.
Throwing my weight behind me, I flop roughly to the soft mattress of the large bed, grinding my elbows into the skin above my knees as I grab at the ends of my hair, tugging at it aggressively to relieve some of the pain and pressure I feel in my chest. God, it burns, my heart truly aching with each torturous pump.
I feel the bed shift alongside me as a soft hand comes up to soothe away the tension in my back. I peer sideways and take in Rose's poignant expression.
Grimacing, I softly whisper, "I don't need your pity, Rose."
Wrapping her arm around my back and sneaking the other between my elbows and my chest, she pulls my body against her as she hugs me firmly. I let my weight fall into her, part of my anxiety melting away as I feel tears threatening to break the barrier I'm fighting so hard to keep them behind.
Leaning deeper into her embrace, I mumble the only words that come to mind. "It's like she's on a train, bounding down the tracks, hurdling toward the destination which should be me, but the track has a split in it along the way. If she switches tracks and chooses him, then the train is going to collide with a force that I can't protect her against, and all will be lost. I know I'm the right choice for her, the side of the track that she should stay on. I know it with every single fiber of my being, but dammit, Rose, how do I tell her she's headed for the wrong station? How do I explain that her train is about to derail, and when it does, I won't be there to help rebuild it? How do I say pick me, be with me, don't do this to us, without pushing her away?"
As I haul myself out from between her arms, I brush away the stray tear that escaped my hold with my shoulder and whisper, "I just don't want to lose her. I don't want to demand that she never see him again, and then have both of them resent me. I don't want to drive her away." I must look like a complete pussy right now. No wonder she wants him.
Rose jerks her body forward and steps directly in front of me, grabbing my chin in her hands, she lifts my face and stares into my eyes. "Quit being so fucking hard on yourself. Please. I don't think this is as big as your making it out to be."
I felt the rage bubble in my chest as a scorching heat runs rapid through my veins. I burst from the bed and tower over her, my jaw tight as my teeth gnash together. Once the heaviness of my anger mounts, I seethe, "Fucking quit being hard on myself, are you kidding me? My future wife is choosing to fuck your boyfriend right now, and not only am I standing aside and letting that shit happen, I went against my better wishes and listened to your advice. I told her that it was okay. I fucking reassured her thatIwas okay."
As the tension twists its way through my body, my feet start pounding across the soft carpeting of the room as I begin to pace again, my temper causing my tempo to speed. And then I turn and march up to Rose again, my eyes fuming and my nostrils flaring as I stare down at her. My words roll passionately from out of my mouth at a dull roar, "I want you to tell me right now. Tell me you see what's going on, and tell me that you want them to stop just as much as I do. Tell me that you still have a decent ounce of humility left in your body and that you hate knowing they're having sex in our house right under our noses. FUCKING TELL ME!"
As she blanches against the brutality of my words, my tone weakens as my body folds in on itself with my burden and grief. "Just please tell me, tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me you see it, too."
I watch anxiously as Rose stands there looking at me with such sadness in her eyes, then she whispers almost inaudibly, "No, Edward, I don't. He will never want anyone but me."
I shove my finger into my hair and pull so hard that the pain in my head hurts more than the one in my chest. "Who's the blind one now, Rosalie Hale? If you can pick up your phone right now, call that man that loves you so damn much, and if he answers, I promise I'll retract every hurtful thing I've said, but I'm not wrong."
She just stands there, her outward appearance collected as the fiddles with her bottom lip, much like Bella does when she's nervous about something.
To hell with being composed, I scream, "CALL HIM!"
She flinches and fumbles with her phone before she brings it to her ear in a rush.
Waiting.
Waiting.
More waiting.
My eyes sweep over her, as she dejectedly lowers her phone to her side, and snaps her eyes up to meet mine. Licking her lower lips, she speaks softly, "He didn't answer… but, but he could be preparing his stuff for his intro-meeting to the school next week. He has tons of work to do. Really."
She could sit here and name off every excuse known to man to cover for him, but I know why he isn't answering his phone. My Bella.
I instantly go to work loosening my tie. I break out in a cold sweat as the feeling of suffocation works to take me over. As I struggle to reach the surface of sanity, I'm dying in the despair that the only thing I want more than life itself is slipping from my grasp, and I'm powerless to stop it.
Time. In time, I'll make her realize that what we have is special. I won't back down without a fight. I love her. She is mine.
Looking up, I offer Rosalie a half-hearted apology, stating that my words were out-of-line and overly harsh. She nods her acceptance, and tells me that if I need her she's on the other side of the suite. I thank her.
Moving to the bathroom, I turn on the water in the shower. I have to get ready, we have a meeting to attend in two hours and with my present frame of mind, I'm likely to damage the deal even though it should be solid. As the thick steam permeates the room, I lean forward and use my arm to wipe away a small window in the mirror. Looking into my own green eyes, I think back to the first day I met Bella. She had such an incorruptibility nature about her, pure virtue leaked from her pores.
Then I recollect the memories of me taking her to meet my parents for the first time. She was so nervous, but my mother and father immediately fell in love with her just as I had. Her radiant nature was infectious. Christ, I loved her beyond reason.
We used to walk aimlessly for hours, just talking about the present and our future, the kind of life we dreamed about having together. We leaned on each other for support and understanding, even more for guidance. There were those affectionate times when I held her in my arms after making love that she would tell me there would only be me for her, that I'd always be the only one.
Recalling the memory that changed it all, I went back to the day when she laid against my body in the grass of the park. I had taken her there because it was her favorite place to go on spring days, especially when all the flowers were starting to bloom and the newborns of various species were making their first journeys out into the world. That was also the day that I had invited Bella to move in with me, Rose, and Emmett. I did it on a whim, and had been ecstatic when she agreed, and relieved when I approached Emmett and Rose about it later and they gave their blessing. Of all the memories I held with Bella, this was the only one I wish I could change. I wish I could go back to that day and erase it. I would have waited and gotten my own apartment. Then I would have asked her to move in with me.
If I could transport us back in time, I'd take us back to the days when it was she and I against the world, when we breathed for each other, sustained one another, when we were just us.
Banging my fist against the marble counter of the sink, I quickly brush the tears away from my wet-stained cheeks and make a promise to myself. I will put everything I have into our relationship. I will make more of a conscious effort to let Bella realize what she means to me. If this relationship is doomed to fail, at least I can walk away knowing that the only reason it wasn't successful didn't have anything to do with me not giving it my all.
This is what I have to do. Too many words are being left unsaid, and it's pivotal that I correct that.
I have to find the old Bella, the one that only had eyes for me, and pull her back to the present. I need to make her believe in our future again.
A/N: So, I hope now that everyone's gotten a bit of a view inside Edward's brain, that you'll understand more about where he's been coming from and his state of mind. If you have any additional question, feel free to PM or review me, and I'll get back to you as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
To the reason for my existence, Rhiana (Live720), I can never express my gratitude enough for all the hard work you but in the managing my insecurities with my writing and myself. Thanks for always being my go-to person, that special shoulder to lean on and peruse more than I should. I wub ya!
Leisha, thanks for pimping my shizz & making it seem more awesome than it is. Jenn, your encouragement and kind words continue to warm my heart. Michelle (TC1), thanks for sharing your real life experiences with me, and making feel like my story is worthy of your kind praise. To the usual lovies, the PattinAngels, SOB bitches, and my BBR hoors, all my love.
Smooches,
Christina
