Chapter 11

He's drunk again. I can hear him and his friends singing and laughing as he exits their door. There are some exclamations, then loud laughter, I can see him in my minds eye, stumbling about and making a quick save. My stomach is rolling with the thought of what I need to do, but before my mind can re-imagine his reactions he walks through the door. His eyes are glassy and his smile is wide.

Esme," He shouts, tripping over the chair as he makes his way to me. He pulls me close against him and I can feel him. "Do you know how much I missed you? I miss you all the time." He thrusts his hips against me. "All day long I think of you, sitting here all alone. With your pretty hair, and soft sweet skin. You know I love you right? You know how much I love you, don't you?" His talks into my neck, his lips vibrating against my skin while his hand kneads my breast.

'I know Charlie. I know." I smooth his hair down. "How about we get some dinner in you. Sober you up a bit?" I whisper.

"I don't want to eat anything but you." His hands are adding more pressure now and his teeth scratch my skin, and suddenly the previous rolling in my stomach is urgent cramping and I need him away from me.

"Charlie I need to-" I start, and he steps away thankfully as I run to the sink and spill the contents of my dinner into the porcelain basin.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asks, its the third time I have thrown up dinner in two weeks. "You better not get me sick."

"I'm not sick Charlie." I say as I brush my teeth. Our eyes meet in the mirror, "I'm pregnant."

His face is kind of red. Like beets, or an apple right before it falls off the tree. I hold my breath waiting for the inevitable. He is going to hit me. I know it, I know it deep down in my aching bones, but even though I brace for it. Even though I can already feel the sting from the smack he will deliver it never comes. He just stands there looking at me and then he moves. I close my eyes, but instead of pain, I feel him swinging me around, his body pressed up against mine. I quickly peek at him and there on his face is a smile from ear to ear. I didn't even know it was possible for him to smile like that.

He wants this baby.

"Baby", he says to me. "A baby. Esme can you believe it I am going to be a daddy." His warm, hot, revolting liquor scented breath is on my cheek, my neck, my chest. He presses feather light kisses everywhere. Why couldn't you have done this the first time? Why couldn't you have worshipped me then? Why can't you just love me, without the pain, without the bruises?

He fumbles with the buttons on my dress. Lips, hands, breath everywhere. Trapping me, caging me, it's too tight, he is too close, I am too big. I need him away, away, away, "AWAY", I scream and push against his chest. He falls back against the way and we kind of just breathe at each other. I have never been able to that before. I have never been able to stop him.

It feels good. It feels powerful.

Until his face changes and the smooth faced excited boy fades away to the angry man.

What do you think you are doing Esme? You think you can push me away. You think you can deny me? He asks, spit spewing from his mouth, his hands are stripping his belt from his trousers.

"I…" I don't know what to say, and I shouldn't fight back. I shouldn't fight back because it always makes it worse but I am a stupid child and I throw the chair at him. His eyes are blazing and thank god looks can't kill because that is what would happen to me right now. If he touches me, it won't be a bruise, it will be broken bones, bloody cuts, maybe even worse. So I run. I throw the door open and run out of the house, barefoot and barely dressed.

The lawn is frost covered and it stings my feet. I can see the cool puffs of air as I breathe, but I can't stop. The wind pushes me forward, a silent ally and maybe it is god finally looking out for me. Maybe he has mercy for the unborn, or maybe I am just becoming delusional.

I don't stop until Charlie is no longer behind me though I doubt he has given up, it will just be that much worse when I have to face him tomorrow. My footsteps slow as I approach the house and maybe mama is asleep and daddy will let me in without asking questions. I raise my eyes to the night sky praying that the god that sent that gust of wind behind me let my mama have mercy on me and not send me back to Charlie tonight. I will figure the rest out tomorrow.