A/N: Longer wait = shorter chapters it seems. There's only 2 left of this thing!

Also, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who comments, bookmarks and alerts this story so much. You are the reason it's kept going so long!

You know, I think the hardest part

Is knowing that you loved me first

Before I even saw you

Or made sense of us

(~~)

She finds out Thursday, which is followed by the tensest weekend one could ever imagine.

She has to tell him, she knows.

He's been clinging to her, in the wake of the visit to his parents. He held her hand all the way back to the house, and she packed their things and told his parents they were leaving.

Eliza removed her husband from that house and never plans to make him go back. It took Alex days to even crack a smile. He holds her tightly at night, buries his face in her neck and she knows his nightmares are filled with James.

But it feels like they shared something, something profound.

She hints at the story of James around the boys, but nobody seems to know anything. Laurens doesn't even know anything.

And this….this could make him so happy, or it could break him. And if it breaks him, it'll break them.

Because what if he doesn't want a baby? What if he wises up to whatever this is and realizes he could do so much better? What if this makes him revert to the Alex she once knew, the one she married?

(~~)

She tells herself she didn't really plan it, per se. At least, there was no period tracking involved, no active scheming, no real effort on her part to ensure this happened.

(But then there is also a wheel of birth control pills that had made the trash their home three weeks ago and her father's voice ringing in her head and next year's tuition amount in her email and the thought that maybe she did need this.)

(And then there is the actual words "I'll do it, you're right" that she said to her father.)

(~~)

She tells him.

She has to.

She shows him the test and she says the actual words and at least she's proud of that.

"Alex, I'm pregnant."

The words fill the silence for so long she's not sure he even heard her.

And then his face breaks into the biggest smile she's ever seen and he picks her up and swings her around and he is so happy.

"I'm going to be so good, Eliza, you'll see, this is going to be so good, you and me and this baby forever, I love you, I love you so much."

It's everything she hoped for, and everything she doesn't deserve.

(~~)

He treats her like glass for weeks, like she could shatter at any moment, until she finally cracks and protests that a wooden spoon is absolutely not too heavy for her to be carrying and that women have been having babies for thousands of years and back off, he's smothering her.

(He lets her cook dinner that night, and looks a bit terrified of her for awhile after).

They resolve not to tell anyone so early.

Alex drags his fingers over her flat belly, a thrilled expression on his face.

"Our little secret," he says.

(It was her secret first. She wishes it was the only secret).

(~~)

It's ridiculously hard for her to fathom that there's a baby inside her. Like, a tiny combination of her and Alex is living inside of her.

(Oh god, the world is not ready).

Alex goes to the first sonogram with her and tears up.

She hugs him and he whispers something into her neck that sounds like "I know we didn't plan this to happen so soon but I'm just…so happy, Eliza."

He asks for a copy of the sonogram and puts it straight in his wallet.

(She catches him staring at it many times).

He browses crib websites as they lie in bed at night, picks up a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting and reads it cover to cover at least six times.

She refuses to, and he objects at first, but then discovers her lack of pregnancy knowledge is really to his advantage.

("Hey Eliza, did you know that during pregnancy your extremities will swell to 3-5 times their normal size and never go back?")

That lasts only a week before she finally grabs the book from him in a huff and sits down to read, ignoring the smug grin on his face.

(~~)

Eliza is going to have some serious words with whoever called it morning sickness. If it were just the morning, it would be remotely tolerable.

No, a more accurate name would probably be all damn day sickness, because it is. She's sick in the mornings, afternoons and evenings, and well into the night.

Her weight plummets rapidly because nothing sounds appealing.

Alex begs her to eat and promises her anything she could possibly want as he traces the outline of her ribs.

("I mean it, Eliza. You could tell me you want some cassava; I'll be on the next plane to Africa. I'll do it.")

(~~)

John meets her for their weekly coffee (well, tea now), and it's still awkward. In fact, it's awkward for many weeks, and Eliza is faced with a choice. Sit him down and force him to talk, or lose her best friend.

The second option is absolutely not an option, so she corners him one day and forces him onto her bed, locking the door behind her.

He says nothing, which feels like a personal failure. She cups his face in her hands.

"John," she whispers. "What is wrong? Whatever it is, I'll fix it. But this…this isn't working. And I don't want to make this all about me, but you can't shun a pregnant girl. We are working on already fragile emotions here."

His eyes widen to an almost comical degree.

"You're pregnant?"

She grins sheepishly. "Not exactly how I wanted to tell you, but, surprise, I guess?"

His gaze flits to her belly, then back to her eyes. "And Alex is…?"

She pulls back. "Of course, John. How could you even think that…"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I don't see you guys together much."

A tiny spark of anger flares in her. "Well, in order to see us together, you'd have to talk to either of us."

"I've been busy."

"That's a cop out and you know it."

Eliza sighs, digging a fingernail into her palm. "What's going on, John? This isn't you, and…I miss you. Please, did I do something?"

"No," he mumbles.

"Then what is…"

"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

(She imagines later that John probably meant to mutter the words under his breath.)

"Like what, John?"

He sighs, defensive posture deflating, and for a moment, she catches a glimpse of her best friend.

"You weren't supposed to fall for him."

The words are meek, whispered, but Eliza knows who he's referring to.

"I wasn't supposed to…John, you set us up! You pushed us to get married, it was your idea!"

"For a convenience marriage, Eliza! Not…not this!"

"This?"

"Yes, this! This…thing you and Alex have, it's not meaningless anymore. There's feelings now, anyone can see it. And if I had known, I would have never…" He breaks off, digging a finger into the bedspread.

"I thought it would close him off to falling in love for good, and then I'd never have to worry about him…falling for someone else."

It hits her all at once, like a freight train.

"John…John, you and Alex…"

"No! No, I mean…we never. But I guess, somewhere deep down, I always hoped we would."

She's stunned, absolutely speechless. John had never given any indication that he felt that way about Alex.

She doesn't imagine it's hard to fall for Alex, though. She herself knows how easy it. Her chest aches at the thought of her best friend carrying this inside him for so many months.

But Alex…as selfish as it sounds, Alex is hers. She's in love with him. He's her husband. Giving him up seems almost as unfathomable as giving John up.

"John, I…I don't want to choose between you two."

He gives a wry chuckle.

"I'm not asking you to, Eliza. But I just…can't be around either of you right now."

And with that, he lets himself out.

(~~)

Alex raps to her belly. She finds out when she wakes up with a start one night, to find her husband draped over her belly, rapping Tupac lyrics to their unborn child.

"This kid will know the good stuff, Eliza," is his slightly red-eared explanation. "And I couldn't sleep."

She later finds out he does it on a near nightly basis, and it's not always rap. Sometimes it's show tunes, sometimes it's indie, and sometimes it's top 40 pop.

(She draws the line there. "Our child will not be listening to Taylor Swift, Alex.")

(~~)

Her belly grows.

(And so does her guilt).

She swears Alex memorizes her body in the first two months. He seems to scrutinize her every day for signs of her belly growing, for tangible proof that the two of them had created something new.

She marvels at the fact that this Alex, the sweet, kind, caring Alex is who Alexander Hamilton really is. Under all the hostility and shitty childhood and slanderous letters to congress, Alex is gentle and loving. It simmers under the walls he has built around himself, and the fact that he has let her in seems an incredible honor.

(~~)

The guilt becomes somewhat of a constant companion. Eliza tries so hard to enjoy where she is now, to enjoy her life, but that voice, the one that tells her "he wouldn't be here if he knew", that voice taints every innocent moment of her pregnancy. Every time Alex does something absurdly sweet, like painting a wall white so they can keep track of Eliza's belly as it grows, every time he insists on carrying her when she's tired, every time he gives her that look of complete adoration, she hears it.

He wouldn't be doing this if he knew. You're like your father. In fact, you're no better than him.

(~~)

Speaking of the offending parent, Alex insists on coming with her to tell her father about the baby.

He points out that she came with him to meet his parents, and how could her dad possibly be any worse?

She lets him before she really thinks about it.

(She doesn't really think about it until they are at the prison gates).

She monitors the conversation with exceptional care, always cutting in whenever it seems like her father will say something incriminating.

(She has to watch for incriminating statements. Doesn't that say it all?)

He allows her to be the one to tell Philip Schuyler. Alex bursts with pride whenever he tells anyone, but she makes sure to make it more subdued.

The fates seem to be smiling on her that day, because her father's reaction reveals nothing. He asks when she's due, she tells him, and they talk about their future plans for a few more innocent moments.

She asks Alex to go get them some coffee near the time the conversation seems to be winding down (tea, she amends off his look).

As soon as he's gone, her father pounces.

She sits through a chorus of Eliza, you did its, and I'm so proud of you, and even stomachs a few rounds of do you have any idea how much money you can make from this?

Honestly, she didn't really even see it coming.

He was gone.

And it really did seem like her father had gotten it out of his system.

But, she supposes, maybe karma really did exist, or maybe God really hated or maybe it was some combination of the two, but the next sentence out of her father's mouth is "Oh my god, Eliza, when I told you to get pregnant, when I told you to squeeze some more out of the boy, I never expected it so fast!"

And then she hears the sound of a cup dropping and liquid sloshing all over the linoleum floor.

And then her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

But what really cinches it, what really puts the final nail in the coffin, is the look on her husband's face when she turns around.

Though I'm impatient

I'll wait with patience

I'd wait a lifetime

For the chance to be your dad