CHAPTER 11 - TRUST
Dan woke up the next morning in the worst mood he had been in all week. And it was all because Phil was asleep next to him, his face pressed against the pillow. Dan leant on one elbow and watched Phil sleeping, his gentle breathing moving his chest up and down. His beauty wasn't fair. How was it that one person got it all, and another got nothing? His features were so strong and firm, and his eyes were beautiful. His smile was amazing; somehow cute and sexy at the same time. So he was handsome and had a personality that sparkled. The very definition of perfection, compressed into one body that was, by some extreme miracle, lying in bed next to Dan's own broken, ugly body.
And Dan was afraid, because he could feel himself sliding down a very slippery slope. He was falling in love with Phil. Properly. Dangerously in love with him, as it happened. Before, it had been just a crush…manageable and easy to control. But every single day, Phil gave him another reason to fall for him, and every single day Dan fell a little bit more. And he knew that he was caught up in a dangerous game that was playing itself out between his head and his heart – he couldn't lose Phil, because he knew deep down that with time Phil had the power to help him fix himself. And if he lost Phil before he reached that point, he knew everything would collapse in on itself and he would be back at square one.
He hoped one day he would be strong enough to stand without Phil, and to know that he could look after himself. But he hadn't reached that point yet. But in his heart, it was ripping him apart watching Phi's perfection, and loving it, but not being able to say anything. He was choking on the words, because he didn't want Phil to hate him. He didn't want Phil to hate him as much as he hated himself.
Because he knew that he didn't deserve Phil. And he knew that even if he did get better, and then told Phil how he felt, he knew it couldn't possibly go anywhere. Phil wouldn't be cruel about it – he'd never be cruel- but he'd let him down gently. I think we should just be friends instead of you're not good enough for me. Of course, both versions were true, but the latter would be unspoken. But not un-thought.
So, on the day of his very first outpatients meeting, Dan was having his worst day in a while…which obviously wasn't going to make for a happy meeting.
"Dan…that's not enough," Phil said firmly, as Dan began ripping the remaining half of his toast into shreds.
"Sorry…sorry," mumbled Dan. "I just…I'm too nervous to eat it, Phil. That's not an excuse, I swear. I'll eat something after the appointment."
"Promise?" Phil said, raising an eyebrow at Dan.
"Yeah," Dan replied. "I promise. I…yesterday in the bathroom…I realised that…well. You know. I realised."
"I know," Phil said softly, smiling. "I know you did. But I don't want to just let it slip. I need to be sure that it's completely sorted in your head before I back off."
"Thanks," Dan said, laying a hand over Phil's. That's just friendly right? That's not creepy or anything is it?
"Did you get your video sorted yesterday?" Phil asked as he took Dan's half-eaten breakfast and began clearing the table.
"Yeah, I need to upload it though."
"You have time now," Phil said, glancing at his watch. "If we leave in about an hour, we're good."
Dan nodded and fetched his laptop from the corner. As he did so, Phil was putting some bread and butter in a sandwich bag for after the hospital. He watched Dan out of the corner of his eye, and although he knew that something had changed for the better in Dan the previous day, he had a horrible tension in his stomach…something wasn't right. He could feel it. He could see it in the slight dejectedness of his walk. He could see it in the way he kept biting his lip. He could see it in the way he pulled on his sleeves. Phil swallowed and hoped that it was just nervousness about the hospital that was freaking Dan out…but his intuition was screaming at him that things had been going too well. Things go well…and then the glue begins to wear, and everything falls apart again.
"Dan?"
"Yeah?" Dan murmured, as he finished typing in the description to his new video and hit upload. Phil sat down next to Dan, knowing that he was sitting too close for comfort, but unable to stop himself. He needed to feel Dan close to him; to reassure himself. He's still here, he's still breathing. Whatever is coming, at least he's here with you. Dan shut the lid of his laptop and looked at Phil. "What's up?"
"I was gonna ask you the same thing," Phil said quietly, meeting Dan's eyes. Dan blinked, and he looked completely innocent. But Phil knew better than to believe that look…Dan had always looked innocent. And he'd been lying to everyone, all that time, and nobody had known a thing.
"Nothing's up," Dan said simply, smiling. A smile that wasn't big or honest enough to show his dimple.
"Dan…"
"I'm just worried," Dan said, looking away. "I just…I don't want them to decide that I can't stay here. Because you've helped me so much already, and I don't want them to take me away from you."
"I won't let them," Phil said. "I won't let that happen, Dan. I swear. It's not even that kind of meeting, silly. It's just a check-up. I promise you everything will be fine, right? We'll go the hospital, we'll be there for half an hour maximum and then we can go to Starbucks?"
"I'd like that," Dan said, resting his head on Phil's shoulder. I'd like that. I'd like that. I'll lie in bed at night playing it over and over in my head and wishing it was real. Get a grip Dan.
"What else is bothering you?" Phil said suddenly, in an attempt to distract himself from the warmth of Dan's head on his shoulder. His hair was brushing lightly against Phil's cheek…and it felt comfortable and warm and right. It felt like home. But it was forbidden.
"Nothing else," Dan said quietly. "I would tell you."
"You didn't tell me about your nightmares," Phil pointed out.
Dan shrugged.
"That was different," he mumbled. "The nightmares…they were …well. Personal. Super personal. I don't know, it was just embarrassing. But I'm okay."
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm not okay, but I can't tell you why, Phil. I can't tell you why because it would freak you out.
Dan had been getting increasingly more and more agitated as time went on. From the moment he had arrived in the office, his tension had built with each tick of the clock. They'd spoken about the previous day, and Dan's eating and the woman was annoying and patronising and she said she was proud of him…she can't say that. She doesn't even know me. She doesn't want me to get better really, she just wants her money. She isn't proud of me; Phil is proud of me – how dare she steal his words?
Stupid plastic woman with stupid plastic glasses. Then she'd moved on to his cutting and wanted to know absolutely everything. Have you thought about doing it much? Do you really want to do it? When did you last do it? Why did you last do it? She'd even asked if he wanted to talk to a specialist or a recovered cutter – as if Phil wasn't enough for him. And to top it all off, she had the cheek to check that Phil had been giving him his anti-depressants. As if Phil would ever forget that. He didn't need her. He didn't need any of them, or any of the help she wanted to throw at his feet. He just needed Phil, and the safety of their flat.
"Well, that's everything then," Doctor Abbott smiled at them. "Although, Daniel, would you like to talk to me alone?"
"Fuck no."
"Dan…" Phil said, in an exasperated voice, staring at Dan with horrified eyes.
"I don't," Dan said, glaring at the floor. "I want to go now."
"Daniel, I just wanted to let you know that…"
"NO!" Dan shouted, jumping to his feet. "I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" He grabbed his jacket, and spun around, storming out of the door. Phil watched him go, knowing he should follow but also torn…he was too polite to just leave. He felt the need to apologise, but he also wanted some reassurance of his own.
"Uh…sorry," Phil said awkwardly. Doctor Abbott blinked at him from behind her glasses and then smiled, writing something on the form she had in front of her.
"It's okay," she said softly. "I've had a lot worse than that. But in a way, it's a good thing. Because it shows that he trusts you that much that he doesn't want you to leave. By having someone he can trust that much, he has a rock. He has someone to reply on who he one hundred percent knows will be there. And that, Mr Lester, is the first step towards some kind of recovery. Trust. Trusting someone apart from himself. You've accomplished a lot in just a few days."
"I think…I think he kind of already trusted me though," Phil said, with a sigh. He wanted to go after Dan, but he still had nagging concerns that he wasn't looking after him right and that everything was going to go wrong and it would all be his fault for doing it all wrong.
"Maybe he did a little bit," the doctor shrugged. "But before, he'd never had needed you to come to a doctor's appointment with him, would he?"
"No, but I still feel like he's keeping things from me," Phil said. "And I'm worried that means…he's going to get worse and not better."
"Of course he'll be keeping things from you, if he has things to keep. The majority of his secret life is out in the open, and as far as he is concerned he's lost all of the control he previously had over himself and his life. He'll keep silly things from you, because he can. That doesn't necessarily mean that anything bad is going on. Although of course, you need to always be on the red alert. You can never be too careful, but it's good to bear in mind that you can never be too optimistic either."
Dan stormed into the waiting room, to discover it was deserted. He was glad. He didn't want to go too far, because then Phil wouldn't be able to find him and he'd get worried. But equally he wasn't going to go back in there to that patronising freaky woman who just wanted him to talk to every person on the planet about his problem.
Didn't she know it was private? A secret? Embarrassing? More importantly, didn't she realise that that was what Phil was for? Dan was angry. In fact, he was beyond angry. He just wanted to scream and throw things around. And maybe cut. Because cutting always helped him to calm down; it brought him down from the rage he felt and it made everything a little bit better.
No no no no. Not to Phil. You can't do it to Phil.
But that didn't stop him from doing what he did next. He knew that it was a mistake, and he knew that he should stop himself. But he was stuck in a kind of limbo where he had no control, and he felt like he desperately needed it. He had no options anymore, because Phil had hidden everything in the flat and thrown out his razors.
So he stole the receptionists scissors from the pot on her desk, and shoved them into the inside pocket of his coat.
Just in case. Just in case I really need them. I won't use them otherwise, but we all need emergency provisions sometimes.
"Dan," Phil said, sighing with relief when he saw Dan slumped in one of the waiting room chairs, twiddling his thumbs and looking miserable.
"Oh good, you're done," Dan said, standing up, making a serious attempt to keep the guilt he was feeling off his face. Don't give it away. "Can we go now?"
"Dan, I would like you to go and apologise to Doctor Abbott," Phil said, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"Well I would like to go and run her over, but I don't suppose that's going to happen either," Dan growled sarcastically. An old woman who had entered the room a few moments before Phil looked up in shock. "Don't look at me like that!" Dan said fiercely.
"Politeness isn't difficult, young man," she said, picking up a knitting magazine. "Listen to your boyfriend, dear, and go and apologise for whatever you did."
"Phil, she was patronising me," Dan whined, ignoring the old woman. Phil could feel himself blushing and he hoped Dan hadn't noticed what she had called him…your boyfriend. Yeah right. "I didn't like her."
"I know she was," Phil said, gently taking Dan's arms. "But it's only because she wants to help. She doesn't know you yet. She has to get to know each patient before she can know how best to treat them…you haven't given her a chance."
"But…" Dan trailed off, and pouted.
"But what?" Phil said, making Dan look him in the eye.
"She was acting like she doesn't think you can look after me. All like, oh do you want to talk to some specialist and oh Mr Lester you have been giving him his pills…it's all bullshit. Does she think you can't look after me or something?" Dan's voice was raised now, and Phil pressed his finger to the boy's lips.
"So you're offended on my behalf?" Phil said, smirking.
"Yes!" Dan said crossly. "You can look after me."
"I don't think she was suggesting otherwise," Phil said. "She just needs to check everything is going okay. If she didn't think it was, she'd have pushed further, which she didn't. You misconstrued the situation, Dan, and then you were very rude." Phil tried his best to look disappointed, but he could already see that Dan was regretting his outburst…Dan always realised his mistakes in the end and that was what Phil liked so much about him. He wasn't perfect; but at least he realised and made amends.
Dan glared at Phil for half a second, then he glared at the floor, before finally huffing and stomping off in the direction of the recently vacated office. The old woman smiled up at Phil, her eyes weirdly misty.
"You make a lovely couple," she mused. "The perfect balance…you know how to handle him."
"I've had to practise," Phil said. "He's still got a lot of issues we need to fix."
"I think you've got it covered," she said, smiling and nodding.
Do I? I hope I do. I just want him to be better…not even for myself. For him. I want him to stop hating himself and I want him to be happy, because that is what he deserves. He doesn't deserve this horrible half-life full of self-hatred, depression and doctor's offices.
"Can we go to Starbucks now?" Dan said loudly, shuffling back out of the office, blushing slightly.
"Do you deserve to go to Starbucks, Dan?" Phil said in a jokingly stern voice.
"Hey," Dan said sulkily, poking Phil in the arm. "I apologised."
"Oh alright then," Phil said, grinning, and giving Dan a spontaneous one armed hug.
"I'm sorry I embarrassed you," Dan said when they finally got home, throwing himself down on the chair and grabbing his laptop.
"It's alright," Phil said, shaking his head. "I understand why you got mad. You just need to stop deciding what other people think and feel, and you'd get along so much better with everything."
"I guess," Dan said, smiling and shifting slightly in his seat. He felt the scissors jab him slightly in the side and schooled his expression. He'd forgotten all about them. Why did I take them? I shouldn't have taken them. I'm meant to be trying to get better. Trying to fix myself.
But we all know that I'm crap at doing the right thing. I could get full marks in a test on 'How to be the ultimate screw up'.
"I'm going to go and jump in the shower," Phil said, "I'll be ten minutes maximum."
"Okay," Dan said, hitting the power button. "I'm just going to check out my new video comments then. When you're done, can we play Sonic?"
"Course we can," Phil called, already retreating into the hallway.
Dan watched him go, aware that this was the first time Phil had allowed him to be in the living room rather than his bedroom when he showered. That meant his trust in him was increasing. Trust that was unfortunately completely misplaced, because in his jacket Dan had a weapon. A weapon that if need be, could break his skin and make him bleed. A weapon that could give him his release…and Dan knew from experience it was only a matter of time before it became necessary…as necessary as oxygen. But Dan was determined to hold out as long as he absolutely could. Things were going okay, and Phil was beginning to look happier, especially now Dan was eating more. So he would preserve that happiness for as long as he could…a few more days, maybe, if nothing bad happened.
Little did he know that his resolution would flicker and fade a lot sooner than he hoped.
Miow. Let me know what you think. PS if you really no like angst dont read the next chapter...although actually...i dont know why you're reading this story if you cant cope with it :P leave a review, or message me on tumblr (lunaticphan) and i will get back to you if you have any questions xxxxxx
