Can you understand when the pain goes to new highs that you don't have so much power and you can't handle things anymore? When all the walls you've built as a fortress around your heart to keep your emotions from your actions just break down? When all of a sudden you're not ready to fight… you'd rather just lie down and watch your world collapse?

Not everybody can understand why I broke down. Or can they?

After the quarter quell, after Katniss hit that force field with an arrow, the rebels could only rescue Katniss, Beetee and I. They got Johanna and they got Peeta. And before that, in the arena, I knew they got Annie from the screams of the jabberjays. They've got three of the most important people left in my life: My long time best friend, Johanna, the new friend I made in the arena, Peeta, and the love of my life, Annie. So, adding that to everything that's happened before, it was really hard for me to handle more. I just slipped from the cliff into the rocks of the ocean.

I don't know anybody in thirteen except Katniss and Haymitch. Both of them are not available most of the time, so I was alone. When I asked the nurse who took care of me in the mental instability section to get me a rope, I realized district 13 is very severe when it comes to anything that costs money; really, it was a long process for her to clarify to the authorities why she needed it for someone mentally unstable. In the end, I got it. It was short and really, barely enough for anything, and because I knew it would be harder to get me another one, I always made sure to keep it in a good condition.

All I did, the whole day, was tie knots. Nurses and doctors came and talked to me. Most of the time I barely paid attention to anything they were saying, and when they called my name, it looked like it wasn't for the first time and I'd been numb for long. My vision was mostly interrupted by surreal tragic visions. I barely slept because every time I slept, I dreamed of the newest ways they created to torment Annie. But, not all the dreams had to do with Annie. Some had to do with Peeta or Johanna, some were all about me, tied to a bed, and one of my "patrons" was torturing me with pleasure. Some were about Coriolanus Snow, and as I woke up I swear I could still smell his blood and roses. When I say I barely slept, I mean the normal, healthy sleep… yet most of the time I knocked out or was drugged.

Katniss was at the hospital sometimes. I knew she was mad at me because I hadn't told her about the plan of the rebels, yet she never showed signs of anger.

Katniss too was broken. They have Peeta. I realize that if they hurt him… she'll never forgive herself. After all, Peeta plays to her the role Annie plays to me: The bait. They'll use him to torment her… to break her, just like they broke me.

When anybody came to visit, either one of the two people I knew or a doctor, I looked at them trying to decode what they were saying, and it was long before I can focus on it and understand it fully. Yet most of the time I covered my ears like Annie did then knocked out.

Outside, I was quite and I looked like I could barely feel anything. Inside, there was no relief for me. When I slept, it was the nightmares about everybody I loved. When I woke up, came the thoughts. I thought for a few times about killing myself. I don't want to be brave anymore… I don't want to fight. I only want to be in peace… have no feelings at all. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not even asking for happiness… this is too much to want. I'm only asking for peace.

There's no ocean in district 13. They live underground. Here, I discovered that I'm a little claustrophobic. I never knew that before because I've spent my whole life in open spaces, but here, most of the time I feel like the walls are pressuring my chest… like they've collapsed right upon me. When those moments come I cover my ears and pass out… again.

Once, in one of the rare moments I was fully awake, I told the nurse about my claustrophobia. She asked the authorities to take me out sometimes. They gave her the permission, and we went to the woods sometimes. She was firm and not really friendly, but she was kind and she did most of the things I asked for. And, at least, she was not a wall or a cup of tea; I could talk to her without feeling crazy.

Plutarch came once to check on me. Haymitch was with him, yet he was displeased. It was a moment of clarity; I realized Plutarch wants me to have some role in the lead of the rebellion, but Haymitch disapproved because of my condition.

"I'm not crazy, Haymitch." I said to him when he came alone once. "Yet how much can anybody handle, really?"

He looks at me in pity.

Haymitch Abernathy was also offered the deal at one point. But because of a stunt he did with a force field in the arena of the second quarter quell and which put the capitol in a situation as bad as the one with the nightlock, his whole family died shortly after the games. And because they had nobody to use against him, he firmly refused.

-"You know, kid? If we were at 12, I would have offered you some liquor. They have none here. I hate this place."

-"I don't usually drink liquor, Haymitch."

-"Morphling?"

-"No morphling."

-"Ah, so… Odair… how have you managed to stay alive?"

-"I just fought back, I guess."

He laughs.

-"Why couldn't I, you think?"

-"What?"

-"Why couldn't I fight back? Why did I just drag myself to a fraud… a less severe world? Why weren't all of us as strong as you? Me… Chaff… the morphling addicts of 6…"

-"A lot of others did not do drugs or drink either."

-"None of them faced half what you faced, son, I'm telling you. So you, Odair, have a secret, and I'm going to discover it."

He contemplates me for a while.

-"Maybe it's only something inside your heart. Maybe I'm just a weak escapee, and men like you are the real men."

I smile.

-"It's funny you're sitting here talking about my inner power while I'm broken and people think I'm crazy."

-"Think I didn't have moments when I acted like a hysterical young woman waiting for her time of the month? We all have'em, sweetheart. My point is, one day you're going to get on your feet, do something to save your girl, maybe marry her and have a family with her, and you're going to stand up to life like a man. As for me… I don't think I'll ever try to stop drinking and try and face things, kid. They're trying really hard in this place, but… I think they're just too stupid to see things the way they are. A stupid medical program to help me stop drinking won't make the things which make me drink go away. The ghosts of my family will keep haunting me."

-"Maybe it won't change the reasons, but it might change the way you do things, right?"

He silences for minutes, avoiding my eyes.

-"What happened to our people in the capitol? Cinna? Senthia?"

He hesitates, but I insist.

-"Cinna and Senthia are thought to be dead during a torturing process."

And that's when I cover my ears and pass out.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

One day, my nurse came and said I should get out of the hospital with her, for a mandatory assembly for all the people of the district. She knew I sleep naked, although my… private parts… were hidden under the sheets, so she ordered me to put on something, then she fled out, blushing. She's only a few years older than me, she could be from 27 to 30. For a moment I remembered Senthia doing the same only months ago, then I remember what Haymitch said and I start crying as I get out of bed. In the bathroom, I take a shower while still crying over Senthia and Cinna, then I get out, wipe my tears, put on my hospital gown, pants, and that bracelet which indicates my mental instability, and I don't forget my rope. The nurse comes again to take me, then we head out and I see the other residents of the hospital lining up to head to the reunion too, lead by Mrs. Everdeen, Katniss' mother. She works here in the hospital now, and she visited me once. Her specifications, though, didn't have to do with psychological problems, so it was rare to see her around.

When she sees me, she asks me to be first in the line, I realize she wants to talk to me. She smiles and says, "You're okay, Finnick?"

-"Yes, Mrs. Everdeen, thank you."

She looks at me in concern… a maternal concern I haven't seen since Mags.

-"Has Katniss been visiting you?"

-"Oh… yes. She visited me three times."

-"That's not enough, you're her friend."

-"I understand, she must be quite mad at me because of not telling her the plan and she must be pretty concerned, too, you know, about Peeta and being the mockingjay…"

-"This is not an excuse for her. She's one of the very few people you know here, she shouldn't leave you alone. Do you know Prim?"

-"Prim… Primrose? Your daughter? Sure."

-"She'll be there for you. I don't have much of a… communicative relationship with Katniss, but I'll talk to Prim."

-"It'll be nice to have her around, Mrs. Everdeen."

She looks at me and smiles… again… a very maternal smile. Only then I realized how much I miss having a mother.

-"Thank you for what you did for my daughter, Finnick."

-"No problem."

She pats my shoulder.

We finally arrive to the collective. Everybody's there… people I don't know. I only know Mrs. Everdeen, so I follow her. I look around feeling a little lost. Why would they need me? Why would anybody do anything to me but let me wait for death, really? Minutes later, Mrs. Everdeen goes away to place some ill people in chairs. I feel even more lost. That was when somebody nudged me… it was Katniss.

"Finnick! How are you doing?"

I'm so happy I finally met someone I know that I hold her hand.

"Katniss! Why are we meeting here?"

-"I told Coin I'd be her Mockingjay. But I made her promise to give the other tributes immunity if the rebels won. In public, so there are plenty of witnesses."

The other tributes… she means the other victors. That includes… I start to count in my head… Peeta, Johanna, Enobaria, and of course, Annie.

-"Oh, good. Because I worry about that with Annie. That she'll say something that could be construed as traitorous without knowing it."

-"Don't worry. I took care of it." She squeezes my hand and walks. The warmth of finally meeting someone I actually know didn't fade, though; I feel a little better and I take a seat. Katniss comes back to my place and takes a seat beside me.

Alma Coin, the president of 13, starts talking and I'm not really paying attention. I keep tying my rope. But I started paying attention as the crowd around me started to mumble angrily and shoot angry looks to Katniss. Everywhere I looked there was someone looking at Katniss in anger.

"But in return for this unprecedented request, Soldier Everdeen has promised to devote herself to our cause. It follows that any deviance from her mission, in either motive or deed, will be viewed as a break in this agreement. The immunity would be terminated and the fate of the four victors determined by the law of District Thirteen. As would her own. Thank you."

I understood that… and looked at Katniss. If she doesn't do whatever Coin asks her… she, Annie, Peeta and Johanna die. In conclusion, I'll lose the only people left in my life. Katniss was expressionless, yet I'm sure she understood the same.

After the announcement, Mrs. Everdeen led us back to the hospital. I stayed in my room tying knots for hours. I tried not to think about Mags, Senthia, Annie, my parents, Mr. Cresta or anybody else who suffered because of me. I put my attention only in that rope. That was when the nurse, of course, knocked my door.

-"You have a guest, Finnick."

-"Do I need to put something better on?"

She looks at me in my hospital gown and pants.

-"No, it's all good."

I wait for my guest. It's Primrose Everdeen. She comes in with her beautiful long golden locks and blue eyes. She looks like her mother. Katniss inherited her father's looks, then.

-"Hello, Finnick. You're okay?" She says it and gives me a shy smile.

-"I'm good, Prim, thanks. We've never been introduced, but you just called me my name so… I assume you know me." I said, smiling politely.

-"Who doesn't, right? Mind if I sit?"

-"Be my guest."

She sits in a chair beside the bed.

-"I'm going to ask you for something strange. This should be after we get to know each other, normally, but I feel like we should build our relationship on it."

-"Sure, anything."

-"I never had an elder brother, you know. Peeta and Gale are great, really, but both of them would rather spend time with Katniss. I know you too never had a younger sister. Would you mind if I be yours?"

I smile at her, as warm as I could.

-"I would love to have you as my little sister. So… how is everything going, outside?"

-"Nothing special. We attend classes, get trained, have meals… 13 is a boring district."

-"I know, Haymitch keeps complaining about it." We both laugh.

-"But this is the only place we have left, right? And at least here, they're trying to make Panem a better place."

-"How are you imagining Panem when it becomes a better place?"

She thinks for a while.

-"Everyone has enough food, a job, the children are happy, there are no hunger games…"

-"And, how about you?"

She smiles.

-"I'll probably be married and have my own child. I'll work as a healer."

-"When you say "Married"… Is there someone special on your mind?"

She smiles again and blushes.

-"I can keep a secret. I won't tell anyone, I promise." I keep secrets better when they're the secrets of the people I love, not the secrets I receive as a price of my slavery.

-"His name is Rory."

-"Who is he?"

-"Gale's younger brother. I catch him looking at me sometimes, but he pretends not to. Sometimes we talk… but we're not telling people, you know, we're scared they might mock us."

-"I'd never mock someone for being in love. So… I saw Gale a few times here, he looks good. His brother… is he as cute?"

-"It's funny you're describing someone as good looking…" We laugh. "Yes, he's sort of cute."

-"Good for you. Any time you need some help with the guy, you know where to find me."

-"Thank you, Finnick. You know, sometimes the only question on my mind is…"

-"…Is?"

-"Will I even live to see this new Panem or not?" She almost whispers.

I hated this world. I hated it because a child as good and innocent as Primrose Everdeen is not even sure she'll live long enough.

-"But… Prim… don't ever, ever say that. Of course you will. One day you'll be back in 12, they'll reconstruct it, and there will be no more hunger, and you'll be a healer and Rory will be a miner, and he'll propose to you once and you guys will be married and have a beautiful boy who looks like Rory and a beautiful girl who looks like you.

Isn't that what we're fighting for? For you, Rory, and… I don't know, do you know any other children?"

-"Vick and Posy, and some of my school friends."

-"…Vick, Posy, your school friends, every single child on earth to be happy? And to have a life worth living? Prim, Katniss is fighting for you. Gale is fighting for you. I'm fighting for you. Well… maybe not right now but I'm sure once I'll get less crazy…" She laughs.

-"Peeta, Annie, Johanna, Enobaria and God knows who too are surviving torture for you. I'm too lazy to do the math, but a huge number of tributes died for you. Don't you think all this counts? If it doesn't count, then we all don't deserve to exist."

She still looks at me… a little unsure.

-"Give me your hand."

She does it.

-"Primrose Everdeen… I'll fight for you. I'm quite a good fighter. You know, I can yield a trident, tie knots, do traps with nets, I'm good at this. And your sister and Gale too, I guess, they are great archers. We'll always fight for you… we'll always protect you. All I want from you is to forget about all the monstrosity going on around and just… enjoy your childhood. When I was one year older than you I went to the hunger games. Ever since, I realized a childhood only comes one time and if you miss it, you really, really miss a lot."

She smiles at me… a warm smile I've never seen anything like which makes me realize whatever smile I'll succeed to put on my lips will be stiff… cold.

-"May I ask you something?" I say.

-"Sure."

-"Everybody keeps calling your mother Mrs. Everdeen. I want to know her first name."

She laughs.

-"Her first name is Magnolia."

-"So all the females in your family are named after wild flowers?" We both laugh.

-"It's a beautiful name, though."

-"I'll tell her you said that. We've been talking about me for too long, now, can we talk about you for a bit?"

-"Sure."

-"I want to know everything about you in details because this is how it should be between a brother and his sister, right?"

-"Right." I frowned a bit upon the idea of telling her. I never dared to tell Annie, a grown up girl, and I'm going to tell this innocent child?

-"Some stuff is only for adults, though." I say, still frowning yet trying not to look aggressive, and she laughs.

-"You're growing as protective of me as a brother, indeed." We laugh. "Only the stuff a child can know."

-"Well… I grew up by the ocean. If I ever live to see the new Panem, I'll take you there. I'd hate for you to never enjoy its beauty." We smile.

-"What else?"

-"Mags and Annie's father are my parents. Not like they really conceived me, but they raised me as their child."

-"Annie is your girl?" She whispers. "And they have her?"

I only nod.

-"I'm sorry, Finnick." She says holding my hand. "You'll get her back one day. I know that."

-"You think so?" I ask her as if I'm really, really asking for certainty and reconsolidation from a little girl. Maybe I was, after all.

-"I know so. Okay, move on. What are your hobbies?"

-"Swimming, tying knots, training with my trident…"

-"Saving people's lives." She says, smiling.

-"Not always." We laugh.

-"What's your favorite color?"

-"Sea green."

-"Like the color of your eyes?"

-"Yes."

-"Anybody's got to love it, right?"

I smile.

-"What's yours?"

-"The lighter shades of pink. You know, the closer ones to white."

-"They do suit you, don't they?"

She smiles.

-"What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?"

-"Walk by the beach holding Annie's hand. Yours?"

-"Play with Buttercup."

-"Buttercup?"

-"My cat. Sometimes I also meet Rory, we walk around together, mostly near the woods of our district, but we never go in. Only our elder siblings are brave enough to."

Somebody knocks the door. It's Mrs. Everdeen. Mrs. Magnolia Everdeen.

-"How are you Finnick?"

-"Great, Mrs. Everdeen. Thank you for letting Prim visit me, she totally made things better for me."

-"Oh, you're welcome, Finnick. If you'd like, I can ask the doctors to schedule a visit from her every day. Will 8 o'clock be okay?"

-"Sure. This would be great, Mrs. Everdeen. I'm honestly grateful, of course if Prim has no problem about it."

-"Of course I don't!" Says Prim. "Finnick has been great, mom. I'd like to visit him more often."

The mother smiles at me, again, in a maternal way.

-"If you wouldn't mind, it's time for her to sleep, so I must ask her to go to bed."

-"No problem."

She calls her daughter out and before she leaves, she smiles and waves to me.

-"See you tomorrow, brother?"

-"See you tomorrow, sister. If I may ask you and Mrs. Everdeen though… maybe Katniss shouldn't know about this. It might make her feel guilty for not coming to see me, and I don't want this. She already has enough responsibilities."

-"As you like."

She leaves.

What a shame on me. I gave up on her and I gave up on her sister. I gave up on the cause. I gave up on Peeta and Johanna. I gave up on Annie. I gave up on what Mags and Mr. Cresta died for.

I gave up on myself. I lied down here, let the ocean of madness drag me, and didn't even try to swim. I stopped fighting…. I stopped doing the one thing I was born to do.

From now on, I won't be a coward. I won't surrender or let the current of things get me. I'll fight again and again. I'll live to see a better world or die trying to build it and if I do, I'll be dying a winner.

I'll fight for my family. I'll fight for children like Primrose Everdeen.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.