A Vow of Silence – Chapter 11 (Epilogue)
Nick
I wouldn't die after all. In my darkest moments, this fact wasn't a consolation. If I had died, I wouldn't be forced to live my life without Julia. The hole her death had dug in my heart was so deep that I knew I could easily let myself fall into it and disappear. But then Tommy was there to remind me my life was worth living.
What had happened in the last few months had left open and bleeding wounds on my tortured soul but maybe, given time, they would heal. Given time, I'd have the strength to open my heart to someone else.
When we arrived at the gate of the Barkley Ranch, Heath brought the buggy to a halt. Tommy was leaning on my arm half asleep, tired after a long trip sitting between Heath and me. I gave him a little tug and waited until I was sure I had his full attention. "Look there, Tommy", I said pointing my finger toward the big white house, watching his eyes grow big. Amused at the effect the sight the Barkley mansion was having on him, I ruffled his hair. "That is home, son, our home", I proudly said and waited for my words to sink in.
Tommy gave me a little smile and said nothing, turning his head toward Heath. The two had quickly formed a bond and they seemed to enjoy each other's company. Heath shot the boy a smile of his own, ruffling his red hair in turn. My brother knew how it could be overwhelming, to a boy who had grown with nearly nothing, a sight like that. Let alone calling it "home". "Boy howdy, Tommy", he said jokingly, "wait till you've tasted Silas' chocolate chip cookies and I promise you'll get used to it all in no time." Tommy laughed at my brother's remark, and I felt grateful for that sound.
Heath clicked his tongue and we proceeded beyond the white pillars, toward our waiting family. They had been waiting for too long. Now it was time for me to give them back a little of what I had taken away from them, leaving without any explanation. Heath had told me what the decision I had made had cost to them all. He hadn't mentioned it, but I knew all too well what it had cost, especially to him.
Audra was the first to see us. She was wearing her riding suit. She stood there on the porch for a moment, unmoving, like a figurine on a shelf. I saw her rush inside and heard her voice call for Mother so loudly it could almost have been me. That made me laugh.
It was then that I began to feel it, the joy to be home.
After a moment, she was rushing back outside, followed by the rest of the family. I saw the incredulity turn into joy on their faces, the faces I had dreamed about, the people I had missed so much.
Audra left them all behind and kept running toward us until the buggy stopped and I jumped down to embrace her. How good it was to hold her in my arms again. In those two months, my little sister had grown, and she was even more beautiful than I remembered.
As soon as we parted, I realized the rest of the family had joined us. They were standing there silently, like fearing to break the spell. There they were, Eugene and Jarrod, beside one another, the oldest and the youngest Barkley sons, both visibly moved. Just a step behind, almost hiding behind her children, as if fearing it was just a dream, the woman I had the privilege to call…
"Mother" I exclaimed in a choked voice.
"Oh, Nick", she cried and flew in my arms.
That actually broke the spell and suddenly there were tears, words, laughs and hugs. It was such a relief to finally touch them, to finally know I was home for good.
As Heath had revealed on our way home, Jeannie Price was there. She was just as pretty as I remembered. But, she was now a woman and a different person altogether. And most important, she was in love with my brother. Heath had told me she had come to the ranch looking for me. Being his usual self, he had been reluctant to tell me all the truth but at last he had confessed they were in love. Deeply in love. I knew how accurate that was as soon as I watched them together. The way they looked at each other was unmistakable. I was nothing but happy for them. At the moment, in my heart, there was room for just one woman, my Julia.
But, they didn't touch. They were nervous around each other and around me. They were still waiting for my approval, they didn't feel free to love each other. I literally felt their happiness when I put Jean's hand in Heath's. My brother deserved that happiness he had been chasing his whole life and that had always been out of reach.
I introduced Tommy as my son and nobody asked me questions, not for the moment. We had all the time in the world for doing the talking. At the moment, all we needed was to be together again.
When we were on the threshold, I turned my head to take a last look at the buggy, among all the joy and happiness of our family reunion, I couldn't avoid the thought of what we had been carrying on the back side, a casket covered with a cloth. The lifeless body of my beloved wife, of the only true love I had ever known, my Julia, was there.
Later, that same day, my three brothers helped me bury her. A sad task that was, but needed to be done immediately. I chose for her the same spot where our father's grave was.
I wasn't ashamed of my brothers watching me. Watching big, tough Nick Barkley cry.
It was a perfect day that Sunday, warm and sunny, the sky so clear blue that could be compared to the color of Heath's eyes. It was perfect, because I was finally home, with the people I loved. It was perfect because there were no more secrets among us. It was perfect because I would live. It was perfect because I was spending it with my son, my beloved Julia's son, Tommy. Now, I was ready to take back the reins of my life, I had a son to raise. I sure wasn't alone everyone loved Tommy already, and he soon adjusted to the family. Much like Heath had been, he was another missing piece coming back in its place.
Heath and I were by the corral, our forearms leaning on the highest board, both our boots hooked on the lowest one, watching the boy riding his new horse. It was a gift from Heath, the little black mare that had brought my brother all his way from Strawberry into our lives.
"Hey, Pa, Look at me!", Tommy yelled, proudly sitting on his mount, and we both waved toward him.
He was the perfect little cowboy. He was wearing my spurs around his neck. They were far too big for his feet nor they were worthy to be used on the sweet little mare, but Tommy wouldn't consider parting with them, as they were a reminder of our old life, when he, Julia and I were a family. Tommy had also received my old saddle as a gift, the very same that once laid, unused and useless, in my room, a mere memento of a long time gone past. Gene had given him one of his old cowboy hats he used to wear in the short period he wanted to be like me, as a boy. It was a little too large and tended to slide down on Tommy's forehead, but would do, for now. Mother had bought him new little perfectly fitting cowboy boots just for him.
As I watched him sit there upright, so natural on that little horse, I felt something inside my heart but couldn't tell what that might exactly be, just yet. Then, suddenly, the right word came to my mind, pride. I was proud, so proud of my son. The mental connection came easily as I took a quick look at Heath from the corner of my eye. He was a natural-born horseman, but he hadn't had a chance to have his own horse until after the war, the little, perfectly trained Modoc pony Tommy was riding right now.
I felt sorry for Father, who neither had nor would ever feel the same feeling of pride for a son he had never known, that same strong feeling that was now filling my heart for this other son.
I had had time, those last days, to think back about all that had happened since Heath had arrived. Since day one, he would have done anything, anything for me. And, what had I done to deserve such loyalty? I had given him nothing but rejection and grief. Just recently our relationship had begun to change and I had no doubt it was bound to blossom. But then the wolf had arrived and I had demanded of him a vow of silence. I was just now beginning to realize how much suffering it had caused him and the whole family.
All of sudden, I realized what deep in my heart I already known, how lucky we had all been that Heath had found us, that he had chosen to stay with us. I finally fully realized that I was the luckiest of men that I had this trusty, loyal, good man for a brother. I felt the need to let Heath know how sorry I was to have caused him pain, how grateful I was to have him in my life, how much he meant to me. I wanted… no, I needed to finally tell him the place he actually held in my heart.
"Look, Heath… there's something I need to tell you", I begun. I raised my eyes to see if I had his attention. Heath nodded he was listening. "What I asked you… uh… what I asked you to do… our promise. It wasn't right, Heath."
He shook his head in denial, ready to diminish what he had done. "Nick…", he began. "Let me finish, boy!", I said a little gruffly, afraid of losing my courage. "Go ahead", he said, looking slightly afraid. He was probably thinking I was going to tell him something about Jeannie.
I sighed. I am a confident man not afraid of speaking my mind. But, I seldom speak my feelings. It wasn't easy for me but Heath deserved to hear what I had to say. I owed this to him, so I made the effort and spoke directly from my heart.
"As I was saying before you interrupted me", I said and I cleared my throat "Heath, what I asked of you was too much. It wasn't right. And I want you to know that now I realize that I never treated you right, Heath, and how wrong I was."
"Boy howdy, Nick, are you really apologizing?", Heath asked with a half smile.
"Uh… well, yea, I suppose I'm really apologizing" I mumbled. "You breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll have your hide", I added, pointing a menacing finger at him.
Heath chuckled and I smiled. He was watching Tommy and I studied his profile, his fine features, his blond hair under his tan hat. He had been quiet the whole time and that hadn't surprised me. He was as quiet as I was loud. He was as thoughtful as I was impulsive. What I lacked, he possessed abundantly and vice versa. I widened my eyes at my new discovery. Now it was so clear to see, how had I been so blind not to see that until then? Heath and I completed each other. He was the other part of myself, the missing part of my soul.
More touched than I cared to show, I reached out and grabbed his arm to make him turn toward me.
"Thank you, Heath", I said.
"Nick, I'd do anything for you.", he answered fondly.
"You have proved that more than enough, Heath. I want you to know how thankful and blessed I feel to have you in my life and how proud I am to call you brother", I stated, still holding his arm.
I watched him blush, as the smile I had learned to get used to appeared on his face. That was the one smile he reserved to special occasions, the one I had once compared to a little bird. It was now flapping his wings once again, once again lightly caressing my heart.
I released his arm and patted his shoulder, smiling back at him. No more words were needed. We both went back to watch Tommy. It felt so good to just be there that day. It felt so right to have said what had been needed to be said for a long time.
Heath
With Nick's blessing, my love story with Jeannie Price continued and blossomed. It was real love. A passionate, deep love, made not only of a compelling physical attraction but also of an unbelievable understanding. We were the perfect match, the two halves of an apple. In a few months, things were getting serious and we were beginning to talk about getting married.
That was a very good time, for me. I had everything. I had a wonderful woman who would soon become my wife, I had a loving family and had no more doubts about what I meant to them, especially to the brother that meant so much to me, Nick.
That day, I was with him by the corral, watching Tommy ride the little Modoc that had been mine and was now his. Suddenly, Nick did something he had never done before, not only had he apologized, but he told me he cared for me. I can't explain what I felt at the words he spoke. That was worth every drop of sweat, every spilled tear, every struggle, every fight, all that I had suffered, sometimes thinking I was going to lose my sanity, for the secret I had kept for him.
Tommy had adjusted in the family very quickly and nicely. He was a smart boy, with a tendency to get himself into trouble. I bet Nick was just like him when he was his age. In fact, I finally had the chance to see Mother in action, threatening him with her famous wooden spoon. That was just priceless. Audra spoiled him in every possible way. We all loved him. Nick had done for him what our father hadn't done for me, and that made me feel repaid, somehow.
I felt so blessed to be a part of this family.
Tommy passed yet once again in front of us, so proud on his saddle, and a little light turned on in my mind. I smiled to myself and nudged Nick's flank with my elbow. "Hey, Nick".
"What?"
"Have you noticed?"
"What?"
"The boy's name. Tommy is a nickname for Thomas. His name is actually Thomas Barkley". I talked nonchalantly, letting my words fall out of my mouth one after the other like pebbles dropped into a pond, and I watched the transformation the idea of what I had just said did to Nick. I recognized what was at first realization, then amazement, and, finally, a deep emotion.
Nick propped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed fondly. He turned his head to look me in the eyes, nodding with conviction. "That's right, Heath, that's his name, Thomas Barkley, like our father", he stated proudly, and I just smiled.
Nick's son, my nephew, was going to proudly wear our father's name. I was going to marry the only woman I could ever love. Our family was reunited and complete, and I was happy like never before.
THE END
