South America, a year since Red John
August, 2014
Dear Lisbon,
I wish health and happiness to be your constant companions, as I would be under different circumstances. I'm fine, if lonely. This letter will be a little different, because I need to talk about the past a bit.
After a year, it's time to take stock. I deliberately waited to gain a degree of perspective. I find myself immeasurably calmer, saner than I was twelve months ago and finally feel...qualified to tackle the hard questions, to fully own the consequences of my actions. These thoughts do not spring from turmoil and emotional overload. They aren't voiced in hopes of getting something from you. They come from the deepest, most constant part of me.
First things first. Teresa, thank you for everything you have done for me since the first day we met. You surely know I would not have made it through the past ten years without your help, support and kindness. It was never possible for me to live in a world where my family could be murdered without consequence. Had I given up on my goal, I would have given up on life. Know that you bear no responsibility for my actions. I did what I had to do in honor of my family. If there is some final accounting, I will gladly bear the consequences of my act.
Please accept my apologies for all the anguish I brought into your life. In my obsessive commitment to my goal, I am painfully aware I used and hurt the people who have given me the most. You deserved better than that but it was not in me to give at the expense of my quest for vengeance. I am sorry I was not a better person. I cannot guarantee I am a better person now. Only that, given the chance, I will spend the rest of my life trying to be, especially where you are concerned.
After a year, I do not know what life has brought you. In my best moments, I hope you have found love and happiness, and maybe even started a family. If you have not been so blessed–and you deserve no less–I am selfish enough to want to spend my life with you. If you would have me, a lifetime might be long enough to begin making up for the grief I caused you.
My actions triggered the disruption of your career and CBI family. I deeply, deeply regret that cost to you and the team. I cannot regret that a serial killer and corrupt law-enforcement network were stopped, only that it cost you so much. Were there another way, I would have taken it. But I barely managed to accomplish what I did, so I truly do not think I overlooked a better solution. I hope you have found satisfying work and good colleagues since then, while keeping close contact with your old team. If I come by more luck than I deserve, some day perhaps I will once again work with you.
My fondest memories are from my marriage and from the ten years spent with you. That is saying a great deal. Those ten years have been the ten hardest years of my life, made bearable only by you. My world is immeasurably better for your having been in it. I hope to have the pleasure of somehow having you in my life again. Thank you.
Miss you more than ever.
Me
~.~.~.~
Washington State, August 2014
Summer nearly over, Cannon River was gearing up for the start of a new school year. Lisbon readied flyers reminding drivers about school buses. Other flyers were posted in bars, reminding drivers about harsh DUI penalties for Labor Day weekend. Standard stuff, nothing exciting. What was exciting were the preliminary accident statistics for the summer. Her summer campaign for traffic, swimming, and biking safety had indeed paid off. Accidents involving kids were way down. Best of all, no teen driving fatalities so far this year.
Rose appeared toward the end of August, this time handing Lisbon a letter as she walked by Lisbon's SUV in the parking lot. Lisbon smiled and palmed the letter in true Jane fashion.
~.~.~.~
The day passed slowly, but evening finally arrived. Lisbon followed her usual ritual: She made dinner, ate, and cleaned up, Jane's letter propped safely on the back-splash ledge. Unusual were the mixed feelings roiling below the surface. After the last few letters, she no longer felt unalloyed happiness at receiving a letter. Jane at last was at peace with himself, no longer tormented, no longer guilty and depressed. Judging by his letters, he was lighter, brighter, happier. She longed to know him now, closer to what he had been like before the murder of his family tore him apart and vengeance consumed him for ten years. Putting his past behind him had opened up every facet of his life. Threw into question every aspect of their relationship. What does he want his future to be? How do I fit in? Do I fit in at all? She began reading.
It only took one paragraph before her vision blurred and tears made soft tapping sounds as they dropped onto the paper. She sniffed. God, Jane. Yes, it was hard, hard for both of us. I know you had to go after Red John. And once I knew you, I had to help you.
I'll accept your apologies because disappearing for six months was horrible. And leaving me at that beach damn near ripped my heart out. Not just because you tricked me and left me, but because I thought you would be killed. And how would I live with myself if you died when maybe I could have saved you? Selfish bastard.
'Given the chance'? Apologies are nice. It's good you recognize the grief you brought me. But I don't want more apologies, I want a future with you. You hope I've found love and happiness? I have found love. The happiness part requires you to be with me. What's the point of all this if we can't ever be together? What's a year brought me? Just a stronger conviction than ever that no one else will measure up to you.
And stop apologizing for an imperfect world! Damn it, Jane. You accomplished the extraordinary. You got Red John and exposed corruption across two dozen states. My cozy little life at CBI was shattered by the rot within CBI, not you. Stop feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault!
Those ten years were the best in my life, too. I used to think career was enough. You proved me so wrong I'll never get over you, you fascinating, aggravating, difficult man! The only amends you can make is to finish what you started. Come live your life with me. I love you. And if this letter means anything, you love me, too. Do something. Fix this!
Lisbon rose and made her way to the stationery box, blinded by tears. Her chest hurt from too much love and too much longing. She stumbled up to bed, more upset than ever.
