""Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't as for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages.

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones


What had happened with Tseng was a long time coming. Tseng had been there for him his whole life. Even after Rufus did everything possible to drive him away. Perhaps that's why Rufus had fallen in love him. Because after Rufus's betrayal he was the first to assure him that he'd be at his side.

Maybe it was then that Rufus had really fallen in love with Tseng, more than just boyish infatuation and near foolish admiration of his steel cold perfection. Rufus would never have acted on his feelings, of course. It didn't seem proper, Tseng was so much older and his mentor besides. In any case, Rufus never would have imagined that Tseng might return his affections, but hadn't they grown closer over the years?

After his treasonous affair with AVALANCHE, the President had done no more as punishment than to ground him indefinitely like a il behaved child that he would rather lock up and forget. While in the Turk's custody Rufus had been confined to a room on a secret floor in the Shin-ra building. During those years Tseng had visited often, and there had been a lot of time to talk. By the end of it, there were no secrets between the two men.

Tseng had confessed he'd been the one to bring Rufus's mother in.

"She tried to see me?" asked Rufus.

"She tried to take you," Tseng had corrected. "You understand why your father would never-"

"Of course not, I'm his heir," said Rufus, "and he'd never let anything he considers his property be taken. Still, it's good to know that someone cared for me. I…I sometimes got quite angry at my mother, thinking about what she did. I understand that he didn't love her, that she'd want to find some happiness, but she had to have known what would happened if he found out. Her life wasn't hers to risk, she should have…" He'd stopped himself then and shook his head. "Sorry, I'm being stupid."

"For expecting your mother to put you before herself?" asked Tseng.

"For expecting that of anyone," said Rufus. "Doesn't it sound too good to be true?"

"Veld once told me that as a Turk, I must put the success of the mission before all else, but when my life was in danger he risked everything to save me."

"And now he's risking everything for his daughter," said Rufus, "and you're risking everything to avoid seeing him die for that. You're playing a very dangerous game Tseng, you know, but there's no other way. Unlike me, you're a good son."

"Veld isn't-"

"In every way that counts," said Rufus. "It isn't blood that makes family, not really. My father will always be my father by blood, and maybe more. I can't escape the fact I am his son, but it doesn't feel like family. Not the way it should, but maybe that's just more foolishness. That anyone would be there for me like that."

Except, Tseng had been there for him like that. During his teenage years, Rufus rationalized that Tseng's constant vigilance was nothing more than a Turk's loyalty to his assignment, but no one had ordered Tseng to be kind to him or keep him company during his long years as a prisoner.

All the same, Rufus hadn't truly realized what Tseng meant to him until he'd thought he'd lost him.

After the Turks saved Rufus from the wreckage of the Shinra building they'd brought him to the hospital. Tseng had been the only one in the room when Rufus returned to consciousness. For a moment, Rufus had thought he'd died, or that it was some dream. Then Tseng had put a hand on his shoulder and Rufus knew he was real.

"You're alive," Rufus had said.

"So are you," Tseng had replied. Their eyes had met, and all the things Rufus had never said to him that he'd wish he'd said once he thought Tseng was gone, came to mind. Except Rufus hadn't said anything at all. Instead he'd pulled Tseng close and kissed him, without so much as caring if he should. He hadn't cared about anything in that moment, not even Reno or what it would mean if he found out, he was thoughtless and lost in the moment.

Rufus had not meant for Reno to see that, he did not wish to hurt him. If Rufus was cruel, it was out necessity at best carelessness at worse, but he never wished to deliberately harm anyone just for the sake of doing it. Still, regardless of what he meant to do, Rufus could not deny he'd hurt Reno.

Rufus and Reno's arrangement had never included monogamy. Rufus was not a possessive man; if Reno slept with other people it was his business. It wasn't just the kiss that had hurt Reno; it was that Rufus loved Tseng and Reno didn't think Rufus loved him.

"I know you love Tseng," said Reno, "but I want you to love me, because you're everything to me. I want you to know that."

When Reno said 'I know' it meant 'I saw'; Rufus could hear it in his voice right there with his pain. The delight he'd felt at Reno's confession of love turned to ash. He'd hurt Reno, and Reno didn't believe that he loved him.

'I want you to love me.'

Rufus didn't have a chance to reassure Reno before his lover covered his mouth in a kiss. Then all there was to do was kiss him back.

His mouth tasted of the cigarette he'd been smoking, the same brand he'd smoked since he was seventeen. They'd tried their first cigarettes together, because smoking after sex seemed like the thing to do. It was Reno's idea, and Rufus hadn't objected. They'd shared a single light, touching cigarettes to flame as they held them in their mouths. Rufus had nearly choked, but Reno had gotten a taste for the things. To Rufus, the taste of the cigarette and the taste of Reno would always be linked. Reno tasted like everything Rufus knew of desire.

Reno broke the kiss far too soon and pulled away. He was going to leave without another word. Didn't he even want to hear Rufus's reply, or was he so sure he didn't want to know Rufus's answer?

That hurt too.

After all these years, Rufus thought Reno would have trusted him, at least enough to entertain the possibility that he might love him. Perhaps Rufus had cried Kalm Wolf too many times by insisting he didn't love Reno and now Reno couldn't believe it. Reno loved him, but he did not trust him. Perhaps Rufus deserved the hurt he felt now because he'd hurt Reno. It was only fair.

It seemed Rufus had a talent for hurting Reno, never intentionally, but perhaps intent was irrelevant.


Years ago, when Rufus was first put under house arrest by the Turks, after his dealings with Avalanche were revealed, so explosively, at Corel, it was Reno who had come to him first, taking out his fury with a swift punch before railing at Rufus. Rufus heard the hurt behind the rage, the unspoken 'how could you?'

The answer was in fact, 'oh very easily.' He hadn't wanted to see the Turks dead, but when it came right down to it he'd told Fuhito to kill them all with no exception. If their deaths were what it took to win, then so be it. Rufus could not afford to let his emotions hinder him.

It wasn't that Reno had never meant anything to him.

At sixteen, Rufus had liked Reno very much.

Rufus's father had never been one for showing affection. His mother and father had barely seemed to touch, but his father would sometimes take him aside to show him some sparkling trinket he'd bought for his mother. Then, when Rufus did something that pleased his father there were always presents. So perhaps somewhere in his mind it had been ingrained that gifts were an acceptable way to show someone you liked him.

If it had been possible, Rufus would have made Reno his boyfriend. He would have bought him new clothes as a gift and taken him out to all the best places. Even though Rufus knew he should not care about Reno, Rufus had wanted to show him how much he was valued. Rufus would have given him anything. Once he'd saved up his own allowance for months to buy these ungodly expensive sheets just so he and Reno could destroy them together. Nothing was worth more to Rufus than the time he spent with Reno; everything else, gold threaded sheets included, was worthless in comparison.

At twenty Rufus would have had Reno killed without a moment's hesitation. Not because Reno didn't matter, but because he couldn't matter.

"I'm not going to apologize for what I did," said Rufus. "It was my life or yours. Kings don't put pawns before themselves."

"So that's all I am to you?" asked Reno.

It was a question Rufus could not answer. Rufus had done what he felt was necessary. Reno called it dirty, but sometimes survival required such deeds. Rufus had thought a Turk would understand that.

"You've done some dirty things yourself. The only difference is where our loyalties lie. Your loyalty is to the Turks, to Shin-Ra. My loyalty is to myself."

"You are Shin-ra," came a voice. The men turned to see Tseng standing at the door. "Even if you despise your father, you cannot change who you are. You are his son, and the future president of this company. As such, our loyalty is still to you Rufus, or will be one day. If you were anyone else you would be dead for what you did. I'd make sure of it personally. But you're Rufus Shinra. You are our future."

Tseng had made it clear that no matter what happened his loyalty was to Rufus. If Rufus earned it, he would have his second chance.

"You aren't angry?" asked Rufus. He'd expected Tseng to want to tear him apart as much as Reno had.

"Angry? I'm seething," said Tseng. "But Veld taught me that part of my job is keeping my emotions in check. And right now I need you to understand we aren't your enemies. You will be punished, but it won't be because we hate you. It will be because you are getting what you deserve. That is what you must accept. Part of looking out for someone is ensuring that they learn from their mistakes."

Rufus had lived his whole life guarded by the Turks, Tseng especially, but over the years he'd come to think of it more as them following orders rather than looking out for him. They only one who'd ever really looked out for Rufus was...Reno.

They had met as children. Rufus had run off to the slums and Reno had helped him, although he couldn't stop him from being kidnapped. Then just when Rufus had all but given up hope, Reno had appeared to save him.

"You came back for me!" he said, careful to keep his voice low despite his enthusiasm. Reno didn't have to do this, but he had anyway. He really cared about Rufus after all, even though he had no reason to. It certainly wasn't in Reno's interest to risk a rescue like this.

"Well, yeah," said Reno. "I said I'd look after you, yo. Couldn't do that very well if I let them shoot me back there, but I've been tailing you the whole time. I'm good like that. I've got a tone of useful skills, yo. Including..." Reno let his tongue stick out as he concentrated, moving the lock pick ever so slightly. "...lock picking." There was a click, and the door slid opened.

Reno had saved his life back then, and for no other reason than because Reno was….his friend. No matter what Rufus had said to the contrary; Reno cared about him. It seemed that Tseng cared as well and it was more than just orders that kept him loyal. He believed in Rufus.

Reno and Tseng had both believed in him.

"What about you, Reno?" asked Rufus. "Do you still want to look after me?" He had not expected a yes. Reno was his first-his only real friend, and later he'd been his lover but Rufus had thought it could never be and been so caught up in his schemes. Rufus had tried to kill him, and it didn't matter that he'd seen no other option at the time…

Reno looked long and hard before he finally spoke. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind hitting you again and not stopping until you're good and bloody," said Reno.

Rufus all but nodded, he didn't blame Reno.

"But," Reno continued, "the thing is. I always sort of saw you as one of us. Like back in the old days when you used to hang around, and just, the way you are. You're one of our kind, and like I said, I don't turn on my own. If you want me to forgive you, well then you're going to have to make up for this. But I'll give you a chance, yo."

Rufus Shinra had never believed in second chances or that anymore might show him unconditional concern. His father's approval, which was the closest thing to affection Rufus expected to get from his father, had always been very conditional. His mother had been dead for years, and although Rufus thought she might have loved him in that sort of ideal unconditional way, she had still been absent and distant for most of his life. Really, Rufus had no idea what it meant to have someone who would still care for him even when he deserved it the least until Tseng told him that he planned to look after him, and Reno had said he would give him a chance.


Years passed, Rufus was moved from his temporary prison in the Turk's interrogation room to a more permanent prison on a hidden floor in the Shinra building, and Reno spent almost as much time with Rufus as Tseng had, if not more by the end.

During that time, Reno developed the habit of spending time with Rufus, talking to him about everything or nothing. The visits were short at first and tense, but over time they'd come to be more at ease around each other. After three years, the visits felt positively friendly.

Then Rufus crossed a line, and they had never turned back.

On that particular day, they were sitting on a couch, Reno with his head in his hands as he told Rufus about the mission he'd been on. Reno had just returned from Cosmo Canyon. He and a partner had been assigned to pick up a specimen for Hojo, some endangered species that were apparently the "Guardians of the Planet". It was obvious to Rufus that the whole affair had left Reno feeling worse than he tried to let on. Rufus might not have always understood Reno's feelings, but he'd grown quite adept at reading him.

Of course, anything having to do with Hojo was bad news. Rufus looked forward to the day when he'd have the power be rid of the man. Obviously, it would take time, no sense killing a goose that might yet have a golden egg to give. As long as the science department was still of use he'd suffer Hojo to live, but the day would come when an unfortunate lab accident would be arranged.

For now, however, Rufus could offer Reno precious little comfort. Reno was a Turk, he had orders and he'd carried them out.

"At least you let him carry out that ritual. That must have been something to see," said Rufus, "and it was kind of you to allow it."

"Don't give me the credit, wasn't my idea. I just…I don't like thinking what's going to happen to that thing now that Hojo has him."

"Then don't think about it," said Rufus. "You've got so much on your mind with everything that's happening. You deserve to relax, you know." Rufus leaned over and pressed his lips to Reno's. Reno drew back in surprise, but Rufus just grinned and moved closer, kissing him more forcefully this time. Reno shoved him back.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" asked Reno.

It took Rufus a moment to recover. "What? Don't you want me anymore?" asked Rufus.

"What are you playing at Shinra?" asked Reno.

Rufus drew away, he disliked being called by his last name: his father's name. Not to mention how impersonal it sounded. He'd always been Rufus to Reno, if not just Kid. As much as he protested the nickname, there was something sweet in the familiarity.

"I don't know what-"

"Bullshit," said Reno. "Nothing's innocent with you, everything's part of some game. You think because we've been talking all friendly like that I'm going to fall back into your arms. Then what? Oh Reno, these missions you're sent on. You hate them so much. Why don't you help me, we can get rid of my father then everything will be better? Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"You think…" Rufus shook his head and took a deep breath. He was quite practiced in keeping calm. Rufus raked his hand through his hair and turned away. "Oh well, of course you do, and here I thought after all these years you'd let it go."

"After all these years I haven't heard so much as an I'm sorry," said Reno.

"What difference do words make?" asked Rufus. "You wouldn't believe me even if I did apologize. So then what about you? What are you up to Reno? You've been coming in here more and more over the years, why? Why do you even talk to me?"

"Because…" he fell silent and looked away.

"Because Tseng ordered you to?" asked Rufus.

"No, just that…I guess I missed talking to you…I like talking to you. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you…You remember what I told you after you were captured and Tseng made that speech about looking after you. I said I'd give you chance, but that doesn't mean I trust you. When you prove I should trust you, then things will change."

Rufus moved from his seat on the couch and began to pace. "Reno, even if I were trying to seduce you, you know as well as I do that it wouldn't work. I don't think you're that pathetic."

"Really?" asked Reno. He was on his feet as well. "You must have thought I was pretty damn pathetic, the things I let you get away with when you were fucking me. I let you treat me like a fucking dog and-"

"What?" asked Rufus. "Is that what you think? I treated you-"

"You might have liked me a bit, maybe I earned some affection, like that guard hound of yours, or maybe less. Reno the Turk, a fucking exotic pet that you could spoil and order around."

"Reno!" Rufus cried, but Reno didn't stop taking. He went on like he'd been waiting years to get it all out.

"Sure, I might bite sometimes, and pretend to be less than tame, but that was all part of the fun, right? Because, in the end, they both we knew who was the master. Fuck you, Rufus."

Rufus stood still, it was like he'd been slapped, but this was worse. When Reno had hit him, all those years ago. That had been easy to deal with; he'd barely been fazed, but to hear him say these things... "I was only…"

"What?" asked Reno. "You get off on you own power, on how fucking spoiled you are. What did you do when you didn't have me to waste your money on? Buy priceless things and toss them over for Dark Nation to tear apart?

"Is that really what you think of me?" asked Rufus. "Even then? I can understand not trusting me, now. I tried to kill you, after all and you seem incapable of getting it through your head that it was nothing personal but…but then? When I'd done nothing but…I wanted to show you that I…that you were worth more to me than anything, that I'd give you anything that it was in my power to give. Maybe not love, but something…" Rufus's voice had never come so close to breaking, and he couldn't stop the tears.

Contrary to his reputation, Rufus was in fact human.

"Rufus," Reno began. He took a step closer and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder.

"No! Don't touch me!" Rufus barked. "I don't want you to touch me. You know what I find hilarious about all this?" Rufus asked, his laugh could have been mistaken for a sob. "I never questioned your motives. I never thought you were with me because I had money or even for the sex, surely there were other boys you could have fucked. I thought you…I could be myself with you. I didn't have to be Rufus Shinra I could just…be."

Reno seemed unsure what to say. Rufus wondered if he thought this was an act to, part of some elaborate ploy for sympathy.

"You know," said Rufus. "If I were going to trick someone into helping me, it would be Tseng. He's in a position of power, and he's the one who jumped at giving me a second chance." He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the bangs away from his face. Once he'd regained his composure he continued. "He's a bit idealistic when it comes to me, as though I'm some chosen one. I wonder if he talks to that girl, the Ancient, in the same tone…" Rufus shook his head. "Don't get me wrong. Tseng has always been there for me, as guardian and teacher, but to him I'll always be Rufus Shinra. I thought that to you…I might be just…just that boy who quite literally fell into your life and made it so much more difficult."

"You…you were," said Reno, "but you ain't exactly easy to get close to…and you ain't dumb, not by any stretch of the imagination. What was I supposed to think you meant by throwing all these gifts at me? Things a slum rat like me could never afford. That you wanted me to kiss your feet like I didn't have a scrap of pride?"

Rufus shrugged, it honestly hadn't occurred to him that Reno would feel…humiliated by the gifts. "If you felt that way, then why did you stay?" asked Rufus. "You were sleeping with me before Veld ordered you to."

Reno had opened his mouth to reply, but fell silent when Rufus mentioned Veld's orders. He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, looking away. "You found out about that?"

"You're surprised?" asked Rufus. "I must confess, it made it easier to break things off. I couldn't be with you in any case, not with the course I'd determined to pursue, but…knowing that I couldn't be with you regardless made it easier to quit you."

"I wasn't with you because he ordered me to be," said Reno. "Nothing would have changed, it just meant we could be together and there wasn't any danger anymore. Yeah, we'd have to make sure your father didn't find out, but we'd have help keeping it all covered off up. It made things safer, and I…I wanted you safe."

"Then what if you'd grown tired of me?" asked Rufus. "You'd have carried on pretending to want me, because you were ordered to keep me satisfied. Honestly, I'd like to slap Veld for treating you like a whore, and for thinking I would take one. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who's only with me because I'm paying them, or because I'm rich and give them nice things. I wanted to be with you, because I thought you wanted to be with me, simple as that. I wasn't an assignment to you, and I…I relished that."

Reno sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry," said Reno. "I should have refused."

"You can't refuse orders," said Rufus. "But you could have told me. Then, if you wanted to break it off, I could have pretended to break it off with you. Then you would have gone to Veld and said there was nothing you could do. That way, you would have still been able to say no. Oh but…you never answered my question. Why did you stay with me Reno? Why put up with me if you thought it was all some cruel game I was playing?"

"Because you were just that kid that fell out of nowhere," said Reno, "all bravado and barely hid pain. You were like fire and I could never look away, but as much as you like to think you don't need anyone, you needed someone back then and I wanted to be that person from the start. You said we couldn't be friends, but I wasn't about to let that stop me."

"You saved my life when we first met," said Rufus. "When those thugs took me you somehow managed to track me down and get me out of that cell. When you were shot I…I'd never been so afraid. No when I fell from the plate or even when I thought of what those people were going to do to me. I begged Veld to help you, and…I don't think I've ever begged for anything, before or since. You were the only one who ever tried to be my friend…I suppose I…appreciated it." Rufus moved to sit back down on the couch. "I won't try to kiss you again. I wasn't thinking…you just looked so distraught and I wanted to…"

Reno knelt down and cupped Rufus's face in his hands and kissed him.

Rufus pulled back, this time. "You know we can't do this," he said.

Reno sat down beside him and sighed. "Yeah, we ain't kids anymore."

"Indeed," said Rufus, "we're not so stupid as to think we can carry on and—" Then Reno kissed him again, and neither pulled away. It was hard and rough and Rufus's hands were already under Reno's dress shirt. There was fumbling with buttons, tearing off clothes. Reno always carried lube and condoms.

He always carried cigarettes too, and afterwards, as they lay wet and sticky on the couch, Rufus asked for one. In truth, Rufus always thought there was something appealing in certain clichés.

Cigarette hanging loosely in one hand, he leaned in, drunk on the after glow and kissed Reno's neck. "Well then, aren't we stupid?" he asked, "How the hell did that just happen?"

"No idea," said Reno, "but it felt right."

"For me, sure," said Rufus, "I haven't had a good fuck in years, but you? There are plenty of nice blonds in Midgar and I bet they'd be the ones buying you drinks."

Reno laughed and shook his head. "Did I ever tell you a guy once offered to pay me a hundred gil to suck my dick?"

"No, really?" asked Rufus. He actually laughed. "So then why are you here, doing something we both know could be suicidal, when you could have anyone?"

"Because I don't want just anyone," said Reno, "well, not as much as I want this…We're really fucked aren't we?"

"Thoroughly," said Rufus, "but…the same rules apply as always. We can't fall in love, and it should be easy for you not to love me. I did try to kill you once, and I never apologized. You don't trust me. Just lust is better, all things considered." Rufus took a long drag of the cigarette.

"Because you don't love, or have friends, or care about shit," said Reno, "just like old times."

"Because if I claimed to love you, I'd be a liar. People who love each other would give everything, even their life. I don't have anything I can give, certainly not my life, because that's not really mine is it? It's like I'm just a part of something planned and all I can do is try to live up to that expectation. Getting attached to people would just…make things more complicated. It wouldn't do to have me take a bullet for you, would it? We really should stop this, you know." Except, they hadn't stopped. Being together was inevitable, like water building behind a dam during a storm, eventually it would break and nothing could stop it.


Rufus thought that during their time together then, Reno had come to understand him. After he'd saved Turks; Rufus knew he had Reno's trust. At least in so far that Rufus was on his side. Still, there had been times when it was clear that Reno was a better man than Rufus, less willing to be callous.

After his father's death, Tseng and Reno had come to collect him from Junon. As he readied himself to leave, Rufus had mentioned his plans for the company's direction.

"My father was in many ways a fool. He was blinded by his arrogance, and had far more bark than bite."

"And you plan to be more bite?" asked Reno.

If Rufus was annoyed at his interruption he didn't show it, but continued on. "All bite," Rufus responded. "A true threat doesn't need to bark to show it's dangerous, people know by its actions. My father ruled by money and power, the good will of the people. Like "AVALANCHE's attack" on Sector 7. Your handiwork on his orders?"

"Yeah," said Reno, crossing his arms. He didn't sound happy about it.

Rufus turned and looked at him, looking carefully for the first time. The mission hadn't left Reno unscathed. He was bruised and stitched, there were bandages showing from beneath his dress shirt. He shouldn't have been up and about, Rufus was sure, but he also knew Reno wasn't the easiest person to confine to a hospital bed. Tseng would probably keep him off most missions for a while, but Rufus supposed flying them to Midgar wouldn't be too strenuous. Reno could practically fly in his sleep.

"Well why on Gaia would you want the people to think it was a successful attack by AVALANCHE instead of taking credit for it? A successful attack by our enemies makes us look weak. A willingness to strike at our enemies no matter the cost, now that's strength."

"A lot of people were killed, yo," said Reno. "It's not exactly something to be proud of."

Reno had given that look then. Almost disgust and something like a warning. Clearly Reno wasn't proud of what he had done, and yes, of course a lot of people had died, but Rufus didn't see the point about getting upset. It couldn't be changed after the fact, and if deaths were necessary then that's how it had to be. Still that look made him feel ashamed.

"The collateral damage was necessary, was it not?" asked Rufus.

Once the Turks gave him more details about exactly what had happened, and why, Rufus was furious that it had been allowed to happen. It was wasteful and stupid, destroying an entire section of the city to destroy a handful of terrorists?

Rufus Shinra did not believe in needlessly throwing away lives or resources. All the same, if his father was so set on that senseless course of action, he should have at least used it to send a message. What was the point of putting money into a cover-up that made Shin-ra look like the incompetent victims of an attack?

Maybe the 'correct' response would have been disgust over the whole thing, rather than annoyance at the cover up. He should have been sad people died instead of livid that they'd been killed unnecessarily.

Sometimes Rufus wondered what Reno thought of him in those moments when he seemed somehow shocked or disappointed. The fact that Reno was a hardened killer somehow made the fact Rufus could fall short of his standards even worse.

Rufus Shinra did not see the point of caring, but was not in the habit of lying to himself. He cared about what Reno thought, and underneath his defensiveness and anger that Reno would dare judge him when had no idea what it meant to be Rufus Shinra, there was guilt that he'd let him down. Rufus hated that guilt and did his best to ignore nor it. Guilt and self-raking were indulgences he could not afford.

Besides, by the end of Rufus's explanation of his plans Reno was on his side.

Rufus summed up his feelings on Sector 7 While Tseng and Reno listened intently. "I regret that the plan was carried out," said Rufus. "Midgar is my city. Of course I wouldn't have supported it. It's like using a chain saw for something requiring a scalpel! Civilian causalities at that scale, it's unacceptable, unthinkable unless benefits outweigh the cost. Here they clearly do not. My point is this. If in the future, loss of life is a necessary price, I will not hesitate and I will not be afraid to act openly."

"What? So brand new, no secrets Shinra?" scoffed Reno. "Think we're about to lose half of our job, chief?" the redhead asked Tseng.

"By no means," said Rufus. "Company image is important, and some things must be done to ensure public wellbeing and faith. However, when it comes to image, I say that it is better to be feared than loved, as long as you aren't hated. Never be hated, that's what my father never understood. Shin-ra's actions created enemies regardless of what we tell the press, because it's the ones we have cut that are out for our blood. Needlessly killing and ruining lives creates hatred, and that is a threat to our control.

Even those who aren't directly hurt by Shinra have little love for liars. Lies create hatred. Nobody likes being taken for a fool. People will forgive a politician for starting a war more easily than they will forgive him for lying to them. Lying breeds disrespect. Even the strictest of rulers are never hated or despised as much as liars.

Under my new policies there will not be such wasteful actions and instead of lies I will give the people brutal honesty, if you defy Shinra you will pay. I will use any means necessary to crush our enemies. By making it public knowledge that to be an enemy of Shinra is to be as good as dead, we'll ultimately have fewer enemies. I'm not saying that there won't be people who will need to be quietly dealt with, but I am saying is that public executions have their benefits."

Reno smirked, "All right, all right, kid's got style. I like it."

"Reno!" Rufus snapped. "If you call me kid again-"

"Right, right, boss. Boss's got style. Seriously yo, you think like a Turk. A little fear can go a long way in making things go smooth-like."

At the end of the day, Rufus and Reno were both cut from the same blood stained cloth. Even if Reno was of higher quality, and sometimes couldn't understand the way Rufus thought Reno had always given Rufus the benefit of the doubt and he apologized when he got him wrong.

Then why couldn't Reno trust him to say I love you?


When Reno tried to run from the room, Rufus called after him. "Reno!"

But Reno was already out the door. How dare he? Rufus would not let him leave like this. "Wait!" he called again.

"Yeah?" asked Reno.

Rufus was so relieved Reno had come back. His lover, on the other hand, looked like a man awaiting a death sentence, he could barely speak. Did he really think Rufus would hurt him? "Reno, I have something to say too," said Rufus. A thousand things he wanted to say came to mind. Why don't you trust me, I've proven myself trustworthy in all other matters, why not in this? It was only a kiss. I know I said I loved Tseng, and I do, but that doesn't mean I don't love you too. All those years when I said it was just a game and that I didn't love you I was…no Rufus hadn't been lying exactly. Trying to make it true, because I was afraid.

All those years when he said he could not love Reno, he was being honest, because love wasn't something Rufus ever put much stock in. It didn't do anyone any good at the end of the day, not love alone certainly, in fact love could be as harmful as helpful. Above all, it would not have been fair to claim he loved Reno when he could not live up to the task.

Now, however, with his empire in ruins, Rufus felt for the first time that his life was his own and maybe he could give it. Hopefully not by dying for Reno, not anytime soon, neither of them would want such a thing, but maybe by living for him. There was no denying his feelings now. That he loved Reno was a fact he'd come to terms with and all there was left to do was tell him while he still had a chance. To tell him everything and explain…Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "I…well there's actually a lot to say, but I…what happened with…I…"

"Boss," Reno cut him off yet again. "I've really gotta go. Can't be late for the end of the world, right?"

The end of the word. Rufus could have laughed. How stupid to think there was still time. If the world ended, it wouldn't make one bit of difference if Reno knew he loved him or not. Rufus's love would do nothing to save his life. It wouldn't change anything.

Unless - well, unless Rufus actually said everything he wanted to say and begged Reno to stay with him until the bitter end. It hadn't been easy to send the Turks away, and their protestations hadn't helped.

Reno had joined in too; and Rufus's resolve had been so near breaking at his words. "We don't want to leave you alone," said Reno. "If it's…if we're clocking out, we should all be together. We're Shinra, we stick together."

Damn him, didn't he understand that Rufus was trying to do the right thing? Trying to be the strong, inspiring leader they needed at a time like this, the leader he was born to be. There was no way he could possibly rationally justify asking them to stay, allowing them to stay. He would not let them lose their chance to do some good for his sake. Either the world ended and it didn't matter if they were there or not, or the world survived and they'd wasted precious time by staying. Time that could save lives. Rufus was not a child, he didn't need anyone worrying at his bedside.

It was base sentiment; it was pointless. No…not pointless, feeling love was never pointless, it was powerful and it was…an unavoidable truth. And Rufus had no doubt that all the people in that room, his Turks, loved him in their way. He was their sovereign, their patron, and it was nothing less than a sort of love that held them there. All the same, there was no rational basis to allow them to stay, he could not justify what was in the end irrational.

Rufus could not let his resolve falter now, it was still irrational to want Reno to stay. What was the point of feelings? What value did they have practically? What value in trying to convince Reno that he loved him when the Turk was so eager to believe otherwise?

It was just as before, after his betrayal at Corel he could not hope for Reno to trust him until he'd proven himself trust worthy. He could not merely say that he loved him; he had to prove somehow. He would prove it, if by some miracle there were time. Because he could not bear to say those words until he was certain that Reno would believe him.

"Promise me you'll come back," said Rufus. "If the world doesn't end, you have to come back, you cannot die out there. I forbid it. We have unfinished business you and I…and I…I need you to come back."

"Yes, sir," said Reno. Just like a Turk, but the smirk was all Reno. Then he paused a final time for one last kiss. Rufus didn't want to let him go. He wanted to beg him to stay, but when the kiss was broken he stayed silent until Reno was safely out of the room.

"I love you," said Rufus, after Reno was long gone. If he ever returned, Rufus would tell him them and he'd do more than just that. He'd show him, somehow. Rufus had never been able to tolerate empty words, and what could be more empty than telling someone you loved them after it was too late for it to matter? The world might end and they all might die and telling Reno he loved him would not make the slightest difference.

To believe otherwise was…pointless.

Rufus reached for the bottle of painkillers on his bedside table and took another dose. Then he lay back and tried to rest. As he lay there he wondered if he'd wake for the end of the world or just slip into oblivion without waking, but then sleep took him and he thought no more.


He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he awoke. All he knew was that the world had yet to end. It must have been hours for the pills to have worn off, and the throbbing pain in his side coupled with his return to consciousness told him that they had indeed worn off.

By now the Turks were on patrol in Midgar, and Rufus was utterly alone. He would have given anything to be with them there, doing something at the end of the world instead of lying in bed, passively waiting for it to happen. It wasn't the prospect of dying alone that bothered him, but the prospect of dying here and now, helpless to do a damn thing that made him angry.

Besides, there was nothing the Turks could have done to ease his mind if they were here in any case. So better they go where they could be of some use. It was practicality, nothing more…

Or perhaps, when he got right down to it, Rufus was just too proud to have asked them to stay. Imagine Rufus Shinra asking someone to stay with him and hold his hand because they were going to die and he was afraid. Imagine indulging in something as irrational as that? Rufus laughed at the thought of that, but stilled himself when he thought he heard something or someone.

Rufus sat up despite the pain and reached for the revolver Tseng had left him. Rufus had actually been quite touched that Tseng had left him one of his own guns. Rufus knew those holsters meant a lot to Tseng. Rufus had an eye for quality; those twin holsters were true works of art, dark dragon leather with a blue sheen. They were crafted for utility as much as beauty impregnated with immunity to a range of the deadlier status effects. They were most certainly custom, equipped with slots for three materia in addition to the holster for the gun. Rufus guessed that they must have been very expensive, but he knew for Tseng their greatest value was that they were a gift from Veld.

Of course, at the moment Rufus was just grateful Tseng had had the foresight to leave him with some means of defending himself. Rufus was read to draw the instant he switched on the lamp. However, when the light flooded the room it became apparent that it wouldn't be necessary.

"I thought one of you might come back," said Rufus, "but I didn't expect it to be you."

"No, I suppose you expected Reno or Tseng?" asked Veld. "You were talking in your sleep." The former leader of the Turks pulled up a chair and took a seat. "I knew you and Reno used to be close, but Tseng?"

"I'd thought Tseng had died," said Rufus. "It was a surprise to see him again."

"Really?" asked Veld. He looked surprised, and troubled. Had Veld thought Rufus had been informed that Tseng was all right?

"Yes," said Rufus, "then again, he was probably just as surprised to see me." Rufus thought back to that moment at the hospital. That kiss he'd stolen without a second thought. No words had passed between him and Tseng, no declarations, just the simple fact they were both alive.

"I'd imagine so," said Veld. "When we saw the news about the building we feared the worst."

"Yes, I…you'll have to forgive me," said Rufus, "my mind is a little hazy; the pain killers do that to me. It's my own fault for taking them, of course, but I wasn't expecting company."

"Least of all me," said Veld.

"I knew you were alive," said Rufus. Although Veld was right, he hadn't expected him. He felt closer to the Turks who'd remained with him, but he supposed they were all his.

"Thanks to you," said Veld. "You always were a clever boy."

"Why are you here?" asked Rufus. Why was he so on edge and defensive with Veld? Because Veld had been the one person to scare him when he was younger, maybe? Because he disliked father figures or because Veld was probably wondering why Rufus had said Tseng's name in his sleep and Rufus's feelings were none of his damn business. Rufus didn't want other people to know of his closeness with Tseng, he wanted it to be his alone to know about, his secret to guard.

"I brought the remainder of the Turks to join with your forces in Midgar. I asked after you and Tseng told me where you were. You shouldn't have been left alone."

Rufus shrugged. "It's the end of the world, does it matter?" he asked. "Besides, they'll do more good out there than here." He was not justifying himself again.

"You'll do more good if you're kept safe," said Veld. "Not that you'll listen, but even if you don't have the man power to spare I'd suggested keeping someone with you. Just in case the world doesn't end. You'll have your work cut out for you then."

"So is that why you're here? To protect me?" asked Rufus.

"My people - your people, are taking care of things in Midgar. Someone should be here with you. Besides, if this is the end of the world, I wanted to thank you before the end. For what you did, for Felicia and me; for all of them."

"By the way, where is Elfe?" asked Rufus. Veld spent four years looking for her and put the entire department at risk for her. Now the world was ending and he wasn't not by her side?

"Somewhere safe," said Veld. "Well, relatively speaking. We have a friend in Cosmo Canyon who's looking after her. I couldn't bring her into the thick of it in Midgar, but if it's our last mission, well I think I owed it to the Turks to lead them into it. They're all in Midgar now, all the people you saved."

"It wasn't for your sake," said Rufus. He lay back down, but turned his head to face the elderly Turk. "I did it for myself."

"So you say," said Veld. He got up and found a decanter of brandy in the liquor cabinet on the other side of the room. After pouring himself a drink he returned to his seat. "You care about the Turks?"

"I value them, yes," said Rufus. Although he still planned to confess his love to Reno, Rufus still hated that word, and words like it, caring. Rufus disliked things he could not justify.

"It seems the sentiment is mutual," said Veld. "I spoke with Tseng, he said Reno and Rude pulled you out of a emergency shelter under the building. I remember when the tower was built. It was your idea wasn't it? The escape route?"

"My father told you about that?" asked Rufus.

"We were close once," said Veld, "almost friends, but that was a long time ago. Your father had more of a sense of humor back then, enough to put in that escape hatch in the office, even though he thought it was ridiculous. Amazing foresight on your part, especially for a five year old."

"He thought I was stupid," said Rufus, "a natural born loser." He ran a hand through his hair, brushing his bangs away from his face. "My father always thought I was a loser. I was never good enough to be his son."

"If it's any consolation," said Veld. He raised his glass and took a sip. "You were right, and I bet you're pretty glad that you made the suggestion. Survival seems like winning to me. Besides, no one would have been good enough; you weren't him. But he did love you."

That word again. Rufus laughed out loud, but it was excruciating, even with the painkillers. "Oh Veld, please stop. I'll laugh myself sick."

Veld shook his head and gazed out the window. "He didn't know how to show it, I'll give you that," said Veld. "He had his empire to run, but there are plenty of less important men who make the same mistakes. Incompetent parents who love their children but indulge and neglect them, and are hated by them in return."

"He deserved to be hated," said Rufus, "and I wasn't alone in that."

"Perhaps you're right," said Veld.

"And I didn't try to kill him because I hated him," said Rufus. He laughed again, despite the pain. "I was doing exactly what a good Shinra should have done. In my way I was showing him I was worthy, the only way I could. The only way he'd see it. Not that I'm without remorse. I…" It was the end of the world. Maybe it was time to let go of his aversion to saying sorry. Pride was just another baseless sentiment, "I owe you an apology, for what I put you and your subordinates through, for the innocent lives I put in danger." Another laugh and he brushed his hair away a second time. "You probably don't believe that though, anymore than I believe my father cared for me."

"I accept your apology," said Veld, "but you've all ready done better than simply saying you're sorry. You made up for what you did. You saved us all."

"So I'm forgiven? For that at least," asked Rufus. "I'm glad to hear it."

Veld smiled and took another drink. "I think that's why you saved us," he said, "because you wanted to set things right, make up for what you did. From the fact Reno and Rude went back for you, I suppose they consider it more than even. You have their loyalty, until the end of the world, and maybe even after that. Oh, and since you managed to get out of the shelter, I imagine you guessed the passcode?"

"Yes," said Rufus.

"Did you know it was the late President's habit to use the same passcode for almost everything?" asked Veld. "Any equipment that he might be using. Didn't really have a head for memorizing different numbers, so he used the one set of numbers he'd never forget; his son's birthday."

Rufus was silent for moment. There was so much that had gone unsaid, his relationship with his father was broken beyond repair long before the Old Man died. Now it was too late.

"Why are you telling me all this?" asked Rufus.

"Because I think you should know," said Veld. "I think he would have wanted you to know."

"You think you owe him that?" asked Rufus. "You think you owe him anything after what he did? The minute you turned your back on Shin-ra you were dead to him, and he -"

"Oh I know," said Veld. "All the same I pity him, even after all he did. He drove his children away, lost one son permanently, and even though the other lived there never was much of chance for a relationship. He died alone, his only family thousands of miles away. At the very least, I hope you might remember him as more than just a monster. He cared about you, and believe me Rufus, if you didn't mean a lot to him he would have killed you years ago."

"And I would have deserved it," said Rufus. "Still, I doubt his mercy had anything to do with affection. You know what the problem is with good men, Veld?"

"What's that?" he asked.

"They know what they would do in a given situation, because it's the right thing, and because they're good men, they can't understand how anyone could do or even contemplate anything different. You probably think parents love their children absolutely and value their well being above all else, because that's what you would do."

It was Veld's turn to laugh. "I'm a Turk, Rufus," said Veld. "The things I've done, the mistakes I've made. I am hardly what you'd call a good man."

"Being a Turk and being a good person are hardly mutually exclusive," said Rufus. "At least, I don't believe that was ever your intention."

"Ah intentions," said Veld. "You don't seem the type to put much stock in intentions, it's what you do or what you don't do that matters in the end. So tell me, President Rufus Shinra, what are you going to do now?"

"Now?" asked Rufus. "Well right now I'm going to lie here and wait for the world to end. It's the fated day." Rufus smirked and pulled himself up again. It hurt to sit up, but it was easier to see that way. The bed faced an enormous balcony whose windowed doors were currently blocked by thick drapery. "Why don't you open the curtains, and we can watch together."

Veld stood and pulled the curtains open. "And if the world doesn't end?" he prompted. "What will you do the day after the fated day?"

Rufus chuckled again and smiled. "I'll be happy," said Rufus. "I'm not ready to go or for the world to go. I suppose I'll rebuild. Start from scratch. All those refugees from Midgar will need somewhere to go, a new place to call home. If we can't build out of the ashes we'll build at the edge. If Shin-ra Company is over, then the world will need a new power, some new organization for a new beginning."

"A new organization? Hmm, maybe Reeve could think of a name?" suggested Veld. "He was always good at that sort of thing. My people have been in contact with him. He's the one who saved Tseng and brought him to us. He survived, you know, and I think he, like you, would like do a bit of good for what's left of the world."

"Reeve knew Tseng was alive?" asked Rufus. He felt his anger flaring. "Why didn't he bring him back to Shinra! I thought he was dead, we all thought he was dead, do you have any idea-"

"He was safer with us, Rufus," said Veld, "you know as well I as I do that Scarlet was still out for his blood. Shin-ra might have been yours, but that didn't make it safe. You hadn't been in power long enough to weed out all the rats."

Rufus sighed, and gave a single nod. Veld had a point. "You still could have sent word or he could have," said Rufus, "he knows the Turks are trustworthy, if he'd let it slip to Reno no harm would have come from that."

"You mean he didn't?" asked Veld. He actually seemed surprised. "Well, Reeve was a traitor, maybe he didn't want to boost morale." He shook his head and took another drink.

Rufus felt his teeth clench. "He knew Tseng was alive and he didn't tell us. How can you be all right with this?" Veld certainly seemed calm.

"If it wasn't for Reeve, Tseng really would be dead," said Veld. "You're right of course, Reeve's failure to inform you was passive aggressive, and you might have to be a bit…passive aggressive yourself when yourself when you persuade him to join you, but you really should try."

"When he's clearly not trustworthy?" asked Rufus. "He's a traitor."

"There was a time that I wouldn't have let that slide, but now, well, traitors aren't really qualified to condemn other traitors, are they, Rufus? Reeve left Shinra, and became an ally of her enemies, but that could prove useful."

"Give us an in with them, you mean?" asked Rufus. "You're right, no one will believe I funded AVALANCHE. Cloud's little crew of mismatched malcontents wanted to kill me as soon as look at me. Not that I really tried to make a good impression." They hadn't exactly been polite. The self proclaimed AVALANCHE man, gun armed and furious, had touched a nerve.

You only President 'cause yer old man died!

That night on the roof, it had been so simple to talk down to them. Rufus really didn't like it when people questioned his qualifications. He'd show them though, he was qualified and had a plan to make everyone kneel before him, and his enemies would be dealt with swiftly. He wasn't going to try to persuade terrorists that they were on the same side, besides, the whole affair with Fuhito had put him off trying to reason with extremists. Back then, Rufus was more than willing to let these people be his enemies if that's what they wanted, perhaps crushing them would discourage further rebellion.

However, now was the time to repair burned bridges. He'd bet that he could persuade even Cloud to join him if given some time alone with him to talk things out. Reeve was AVALANCHE's ally, and he was amiable. People liked Reeve; he seemed harmless.

Of course, he was actually far from it if he was capable of any level of treason. So how could Rufus use him if he couldn't trust him? Well, he'd just have to see if he could…make Reeve open to the idea of serving him, for the good of the Planet.

Reeve wasn't really cut out to lead and they both knew it, but he would make a fine figurehead. With Rufus's visions, brain, and money to support him, Reeve could rule the world while Rufus held the real power.

Rufus would do all the work, and Reeve could have the glory, or hatred if things went wrong. Rufus wasn't petty. As much as he liked parades and having monuments with his name, he understood the advantage of being the power behind the throne. Besides, the Shinra name was tarnished and it would be years before he could regain the people's trust. They needed to start rebuilding now, they needed the people to get behind them now, and the people could get behind Reeve.

"I think I'll have to arrange a meeting with Mr. Tuesti," said Rufus, "when all this is over. I could see a very beneficial partnership forming." Rufus would rebuild Shin-ra, or possibly Rufus Co. since it would be a whole new company, and in the meantime he'd build a separate entity, unconnected to the Shinra name. It wouldn't matter that it was funded by Shin-ra money, staffed by former Shin-ra employees and publically run by a Shin-ra executive, different name and different face as the figurehead. The people wouldn't know or care, they would just need someone to turn to.

"So you agree?" said Veld.

"Of course," said Rufus, "in fact, I look forward to working with Reeve. He was the only one on the board I actually liked, except for you of course."

"You liked me?" asked Veld. He sounded bemused as he came to reclaim his seat.

Now that he'd said it, Rufus had to admit it was the truth. As much as Veld at times put him on edge, there was no one he respected more.

"Just because I tried to kill you once doesn't mean I didn't like you," said Rufus. "I respected you, more than my own father, in fact. You were a good man, a hard man, but better than most, especially at Shin-ra. You looked after your own, and you were smart. Well as smart as someone who cares too much can be. I always said love is the enemy of reason, or maybe that was someone else who said it and I just adopted the motto."

"Don't be so quick to discount love," said Veld, "or underestimate the power of caring. I think you care more than you let on. Tell me, you're young and wealthy, why stay and rebuild? You could easily disappear and live out the rest of your life in peace and comfort."

"At the risk of sounding like Reno, where is the fun in that?" asked Rufus. "Besides, even if Shin-ra is gone, this is still my world, and someone has to look after it. My company is responsible for the mess it's in, after all, so it's my responsibility."

"I'd tell you your father would have been proud," said Veld, "but I doubt you'd believe me. So I'll tell you this, you've come a long way Rufus." He put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

A flash of brilliant green light flooded the room. Even this far from Midgar they could see the Lifestream as it erupted to combat the threat from above. Rufus's eyes widened as he bore witness to the miracle.


A.N.: Big thanks, as always, to LicoriceAllSorts for her efforts as beta and the inspiration she gives me and special to RedCherryAmber for acting as secondary beta.

This chapter contains a lot of references to the fic Orphans. If you're interested in the story of how Rufus and Reno first met, feel free to check it out.