JE owns the characters. I deserve no credit.
Jenn (perfectmanhattan) once again your Beta skills save the day. Thank you for all your hard work on this story.
Chapter 11 – Good Nights
I stood there in the foyer of her apartment at a loss as to why she was upset.
"Edmund Ramsey, what were doing next door?" She demanded. Shit, she sounded like my mother after she found some magazines under my mattress when I was in high school. There are some things a seventeen year old boy just can't explain.
I snapped back to the present and told her the truth, "I was just thinking."
She took my hand and led me to the couch to sit down, pulling me closely beside her. "What were you thinking about?"
"I was taking an honest look at myself and my life and what I have to offer." I told her, realizing a little too late that I might be disclosing too much.
"When you left," Her voice was much calmer now, "I was so excited about you coming back to my apartment. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought that something was about to happen in the kitchen and we were finally going to stop fighting this...whatever it is that we have between us, but now your face is set at though you're here to resist anything life might be offering you, and I don't like it one bit.
She hit that nail right on the head, but I certainly didn't want to admit that to her. "I just remembered who I am and what I've done, and it doesn't really fit with your life."
"Shit Ram, Do you honestly think that your past bothers me?" She demanded with a fighting edge in her voice again.
"I don't know," Lord knows she has enough crazies after her on any given day and she does hang out with us. "Maybe you don't realize everything that's in my past. I don't want my life to cloud yours."
"And why would that happen?" She pressed.
"Because you're innocent. You have no desire to hurt someone else. Hell even when you've killed somebody to save your own life, you still mourned the loss of theirs." I'd rarely even given my victims a second glance.
"And you think because you were a sniper and you've killed people that it somehow gives you the right to tell me how close I should or shouldn't be to you?" She said as though she just scored a point.
"I think that even if you justify it as something that I did in my past while I was still going on active missions, it will one day hit you that I'm still being called upon to take people out as a mercenary. I can't change who I am or what I've been trained to do. I'm good at it, and I do it because it needs to be done, but with every life I take I still loose a small piece of my humanity." I tried explaining, hoping she would let this go.
"So you think I would want to change you into something you're not?" She tried to clarify.
"I think the only way you could be around me for very long is if you tried to convince yourself that I am capable of changing." I confessed.
"You underestimate me," She said in a calculated way. "I have told you about my past relationships and why they failed. If I thought someone was trying to make me into someone I didn't want to be, I would shut down. When my mother tried to teach me to cook I refused to listen just because she tried to force it on me. If I fight someone trying to make me into their image of who I should be, then why would you assume I would turn around and do the same thing to you?" She explained.
I had no answer to that. She was right on every point. We all knew Steph had never tried to improve or alter us in any way. And the reason we trusted her is because she had proven herself to us over the past few years. We saw how she fought it when other people tried to change her and we admired her for holding her ground and refusing to give in.
"But you don't know all I've done," I said as my only defense.
She put her hand back in my hair like it had been earlier and said, "No, and I'll never know the full burden you have been asked to carry for this country. But I know it was a heavy burden and a lesser man could never have risen up to the challenge and defended those of us who needed it. I know that you've been asked to do things other people could not or would not do because they needed to be done. I know you've sacrificed and given of yourself for years for your country, your family and your friends and you've never really been thanked for it. And if you think that I want to change you into a lesser man who would give up the responsibility you shoulder, then you haven't gotten to know me at all over the last few weeks. If that's what you think, the door's right there." She waited, closing her eyes, giving me the chance to leave and walk away.
Even if I'd wanted to walk out, I couldn't do it. My legs wouldn't work. Hell I don't think I could move any of my muscles because all my energy was going to keep my heart pumping at twice its normal speed. Was she telling me she admired me? That she wanted me as I was, and didn't want to change me into someone presentable to the general public?
"I'm not good with this Steph. I don't talk much, but when I'm around you I can't seem to stop. I'm not good with emotions, but when I'm around you I seem to feel things I can't identify. I don't do fear, but when I look at what I can offer I'm afraid it's not enough. I'm afraid of you seeing me for who I am and realizing that you deserve so much better, yet every time we're together I reveal more and more of who I really am. Tell me what to do." There was a pleading edge to my voice I didn't even try to control.
Her eyes opened and the ocean of emotion that was there overwhelmed me. "Do you think I'm damaged? Are you afraid to get too close?" She asked lifting her chin up slightly in a challenging way.
I kept my eyes on hers. As much as I wanted to escape her careful inspection of me, I couldn't turn away from her eyes. Her soul was there and I had never seen something so pure and so beautiful in my life. "I think you are perfect just the way you are," I told her honestly. "And as for being afraid, no I'm not worried about getting too close to you, I'm worried that you won't want me there."
Her eyes got an even deeper shade of blue as they dilated slightly at the meaning behind my words. She took my hand and held it briefly in hers before moving it and placing it just above the scooped neckline of her tank top over her heart. "I want you here," She said with her full voice.
I put my free hand against her face with my fingertips on her neck and my thumb and palm on her check. She pressed my hand against her chest before taking her hand away to put it on my face. I was drawn to her and felt my body moving forward almost of its own free will. She moved toward me at the same slow pace as me and when we were a mere inch from each other we stopped, to just breathe in the same air and feel the tension between us grow. I didn't doubt that she wanted me to kiss her, and I certainly wanted to do it, but there was something delicious about this moment that I wanted to drag out.
The yearning to be closer to her was nearly overwhelming and I'm not entirely sure who moved the inch to close the gap between us, but when our lips met I know I was the one who moaned. Her lips were so soft against mine. When my tongue touched her upper lip she opened her mouth to allow me in. She was just as eager as I was to deepen our contact, but I tried to remind myself of her ribs and keep it slow. I had forgotten how erotic kissing someone could be. My contact with women over the last few years had centered on sex and kissing was only a part of it that it got me to my end goal. I didn't consider it an important part, just a necessary act.
How wrong I had been. Kissing Stephanie was complete in itself. Our tongues caressed, our lips met, our teeth grazed each other and I couldn't get enough. The energy fluctuated between fast and hard and then was followed by tender and slow. I knew my breathing was beginning to get ragged and I was suddenly aware that it might be difficult for Stephanie so I slowed down and pulled back only marginally. She objected immediately by pulling me back to her.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "How is your breathing?"
"It was fine until you moved away." She replied, allowing me to move closer again and joining us once more. I lost myself in her. Pressed against her mouth I didn't find her frail or weak. She was taking charge of the kiss and deepening it and I was loving it. I could feel her, smell her, and taste her and the effect was overloading my senses. I'd never had someone in my arms and felt a connection like this. I'd spent so much time listening to her without her speaking a word that I could feel her joy everywhere we touched. Somehow she was blind to my faults and only saw the man who adored her. Until I kissed her I had no idea how deeply I cared for her. I knew I was attracted and drawn to her, but hell, half of RangeMan could say the same thing. After our mouths touched, I knew this wasn't just attraction. I was in love with her. The fierceness of just how much surprised me.
I don't know how long we sat on the sofa pushing and pulling, trying to memorize each other and capture this moment forever. She finally pulled back just enough to put her forehead against mine. I could feel her breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth and I knew she was working to keep her throat relaxed. I put my hands in her hair and spoke to her gently. "I'm right here Steph, just take your time and relax. You can do this."
It only took a minute or two for her to nod that she was okay. I needed the reminder that she wasn't entirely well, and even though she obviously had a lot of fight in her, she wasn't ready for so much physical activity. "Bed?" I asked thinking of pulling her in my arms and sleeping.
She surprised me by saying, "Ram! You know I'm not well enough for that yet. But maybe I need to talk to Tristan about stepping up my therapy; I've got a new motivation to get better now."
I laughed a genuine deep in my stomach at her mock offense that I would suggest sex at this moment. She was perfect and for whatever reason she seemed to want to be with me. I was done fighting. She had broken down the last of my defenses and I surrendered completely to her. The relief of knowing she might feel the same way about me gave me a joy that I couldn't contain. I don't remember ever having felt so lighthearted before.
I stood up realizing she did need to rest and scooped her up in my arms. "I can walk," She said, but it was almost whispered and her hands went to my hair so I didn't feel the need to put her down.
"I know you can, but tonight I need to carry you." I confessed.
"Why?" She asked relaxing her head against my neck.
"Because I want to take care of you, to protect you, and I think now is the perfect time for us to try and go to sleep." I tried explaining.
For once in my life the idea of going to bed with someone, but not having sex wasn't a disappointment, it was perfect. There would be plenty of time for that when she was cleared for normal activities. Besides, if kissing her was any indication, I would need to rest up before we took this any further. Something told me it would be a dream come true and since I couldn't remember ever having sex with someone when it including loving them too I was curious to see how it changed things. If I thought kissing her was erotic and complete I couldn't imagine burying myself in her.
Shit, now I had to climb into bed with her with the evidence of my thoughts clearly on display. There was no way I could get myself calm before she spooned up against me. At least she would realize the effect she had on me. I just hoped she took it as a compliment and didn't think I was a sick pig who needed to be exiled to my apartment.
I placed her gently in the bed and she rolled over to give me room, but stayed facing me. I laid down beside her and found that I couldn't resist touching her. Now that we had moved to a more intimate place I needed to stay connected.
She took my hand in hers and said, "I don't want to talk, but I want you to listen."
Huh? I looked at her eyes to see if she would offer any other explanation and realized what she meant. We didn't need words. Our relationship began when she couldn't talk and we had perfected a form of silent communication. She wanted me to listen to her heart and for that we didn't need to talk. I felt her love for me. I felt her pride in who I was, but when I felt her gratitude for what she thought I was doing for her I couldn't bear anymore. I felt like she had the tables turned and those were all the things I needed to tell her.
As soon as the thought crossed my mind she moved closer and kissed me again, lightly, not allowing me to pull her closer. When she had my full attention teasing my mouth with hers she pulled back and said, "No, you don't get to diminish my feelings. I know who you are and that is who I want. I want it all, your past, your stubborn need to be in control, your defensive side, your soft side, your tender heart, your skills with a gun, and the way you listen to me like no one else ever has. It's all of that that makes me love you."
She loves me? I didn't imagine that did I? I needed to say something, but this kind of conversation wasn't my strong suit. I kissed her instead and moved my lips to her ear to say, "I didn't want to love you because I thought you deserved so much more, but this is a battle I can't win."
She tightened her grip on my hand and said, "Don't stop, don't fight it, don't control it. Just love me and let me show you over the years to come how strongly I feel about you and who you are. You deserve just as much as I do, Ram." She added another of her tender kisses.
I rolled her on her back being careful to keep my weight off of her. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but the words wouldn't come out. It's not that I didn't feel it, but saying 'I love you' seemed too easy, too simple a response for how I really felt. I'd always been a man of action so I brought my mouth back to hers to show her what I was feeling. It wasn't enough, but it was all I could give her at the moment.
Our breathing was getting heavy and I knew we needed to slow down before she began to struggle. I pulled back and moved us so that we could get some sleep. She molder her body against me and we drifted off together, never allowing the contact to break through the night.
The next time I was up I heard a camera snapping and my eyes shot open. Les was standing there with a shit eating grin on his face.
"Santos, what in the hell are you doing in here?" I asked trying to keep my voice soft enough to not startle Steph.
"I just came in to be sure she was alright. It's 6:30 and we hadn't heard a sound yet. But when I saw you too sleeping you looked different somehow. I might have believed you yesterday when you said nothing had happened between you two, but there is no way I would buy that crock now. It's written all over her face." He teased.
I glanced at her quickly and noticed she did seem to have a certain glow, even sleeping that had not been on her face previously. I loved the idea that I put it there.
Surprising Les, I told him, "I want a copy of that picture by lunch."
It is rare to see him speechless, but he stumbled through a few sounds before saying, "Sure," and walking out.
At least I didn't have to worry about how we would tell the guys. I had a feeling Santos would take care of that for us. I brushed a few wild curls off her face so that I could see her clearly. When she spoke it told me she'd been awake for a while, "I want a copy of the picture too. I need to know what all the guys will be looking at in their inboxes this morning."
"Good morning," I told her, choosing to ignore her opinion that all the guys would get a copy of us in bed together. "Are you ready to get up?"
"No, but I need to. I've got to talk to Tristan and then I need to get in touch with Binkie to find out about his date." She told me.
"I'll tell Bobby that you want to talk to Tristan, he can get in touch with him for you. I'll send Binkie down when I see him in the gym." I told her, pleased that I could be of some help.
She stretched a little and then opened her eyes and looked at me. My memory never did her justice and I was struck at how beautiful she was every time I looked at her.
She sat up and turned to face me. I reluctantly sat up myself feeling the loss of our contact immediately. I needed to get a grip on this. We couldn't live our lives constantly touching each other.
Our lips had just met for the first kiss of the day when the door opened again and Bobby came in. "Geez guys, you've had all night for this and now it's time to get out of bed."
Steph pulled away but only a little. "I guess we have to get up now." She lightly whined.
"It's for the best; I don't have my gun so I can't shoot him." I joked. "Besides," I reminded her pulling back so I could get my brain to work independently, "Didn't you want him to help you talk to Tristan."
Bobby heard the last part and thought the worst, "Did something happen yesterday. I knew I shouldn't have turned off my cell phone last night, but Cathy had the night off and it had been a long time." He stopped talking realizing his self-chastisement was revealing more than he should.
"Relax Bobby," Steph told him. "I need to talk to Tristan about stepping up my therapy. I know he was getting frustrated with me because I wasn't taking him seriously, but I have a new motivation and I need him to help me get my endurance back up."
Bobby looked at her for a minute and then turned his gaze to me. I couldn't help but smile as he tried to figure out what she meant. Apparently he made the connection as he began to struggle for words just like Les had. "I'll go call him now," He finally managed to get out before turning around and leaving the room.
Stephanie and I both found his awkward exit hilarious and laughed at his discomfort. "I guess everybody will know now," I said.
"Good, because if they don't realize it yet, I want them to. I want them to know how I feel about you." She told me filling me with a fresh sense of pride in who she was and the way she carried herself comfortably with her decisions for her life. No wonder she talked so much, she had nothing to hide.
"I should get going before Binkie sends a search party down for me." I told her.
"Tell him I want to hear all about his date with Alyssa last night." She reminded me as I pulled her into my arms for a final kiss goodbye.
"I'll be around today," I told her. "Call me if you need anything." She nodded that she understood and I took every ounce of strength that I had and made myself walk out the door.
Thankfully no one was waiting in her kitchen to hit me with questions about what was going on between me and Steph so I went back to my place, changed and headed down to the gym. If I hurried I could still get in a workout before the core team meeting this morning.
I jumped on the treadmill next to Binkie and nodded a greeting.
He smiled instantly, "I'd ask how your night was, but it's written all over your face."
"I could say the same thing about you." I snapped back. "By the way, Steph wants you to go see her and tell her about last night. She's going to want details." I warned him.
"No worries. It was perfect, I'll be glad to tell her all about it." He said putting my mind at ease.
"You going to tell me about your night?" He asked.
I shook my head no.
"You remember what I told you?" He asked.
I glanced in his direction and saw his smile was gone again.
"I remember that you said you'd support me if she for some odd reason decided she wanted to be with me." I said intentionally skipping his threat if I didn't take care of her.
"That's not all I said," He told me trying to subtly reiterate his promise if I hurt her.
"I remember." I assured him. "Just know that it would kill me to think I'd ever hurt her. Especially now. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met and if she wants to be with me, I'm not strong enough to pull away." I told him realizing I sounded like a leading character in a sappy movie. I needed to do something aggressive and soon.
Binkie stopped running and said, "Come on old man, the ring is empty."
I held my own, glad to see my reflexes were still on par with a guy much younger than me. Of course there was the fact that when we were finished I needed to sit down while I toweled off the sweat pouring down my face. I decided to get Binkie talking before he commented on his abundant energy. "So what did you do last night?"
"It was perfect. Steph found this little Italian place that was family owned so it was quiet with great food, but not so fancy that either one of us would be uncomfortable. Then she told me to take her to a corner bookstore right down the street from the restaurant and just browse with Alyssa. I have to tell you I was nervous about that part. How do you turn shopping in a quiet bookstore into a date? But I'll admit she was right on about it." He confessed, shaking his head.
Of course she was. Steph had a way of understanding people and knowing what they needed. At least she did with me.
He picked up his story with a little more color on his face. "We walked through and pointed out books we'd read or stories we'd heard about and then we found a place for coffee in the back and sat and watched the people there and talked. We were there for almost three hours. Hell, the owner threw us out to close the store. So now I know a lot more about her, and she has a better understanding of what I do for a living, but it wasn't that awkward, 'so tell me about yourself' kind of date."
"I'm glad. You know Steph's going to want more details than that, right?" I teased him feeling like I could stand up and talk without seeming tired now.
"Yea, I'll give them to her. Besides, I'm going to see Alyssa again Sunday night so I'll need some help figuring out what to do then. It's going to take something special to top that first date though." He admitted.
I didn't envy him there. Of course, he did have Stephanie to help him plan it out. Who was I supposed to call when I needed to take Steph somewhere? Last night was perfect, because I hadn't planned it, but how would it be the next time we were together? There didn't seem to be that morning after awkwardness. Of course we hadn't done anything more than kiss either. But the kissing was amazing. She could put so much of herself into so little contact. Thinking about last night was a mistake as my body was beginning to respond to the memory. Hell, it wouldn't be the first cold shower I'd taken because of Stephanie Plum.
By the time I was showered and heading back up to five I was feeling like my old self again. I was dressed in black, I had five different weapons strapped on and I felt like I could take on the world and win.
"Gentlemen," Tank began when we were all seated around the conference table. "The team in Miami had a breakthrough in the Alonzo case. They got a lead on a warehouse full of guns that was being held and they stormed the building, capturing several of Alej's known associates, but not Alej himself. They called in the ATF and the guns were confiscated. It's hoped that the raid last night will make Alej mad enough to make a mistake, allowing us to capture him. Ranger said they had reason to believe that he left Miami. We have to assume Trenton is a possible place for him to reappear."
I was glad they managed to hit this guy where it hurt. And if he was brave enough to come to Trenton after what he caused to happen to Steph, then I was certainly glad to be a member of the welcome wagon that would greet him upon his arrival. That would be one night that I would leave my dart gun at home. If I shot him, I wanted it to hurt and I wanted him conscious to know why he'd been hit.
"If you have any street contacts, see if they know anything about Alonzo's presence and keep me in the loop. Ranger wants to be called immediately if we find him. He considers this personal and he wants in on the take down if it can be arranged." Tank finished his instructions with that warning while looking at me. I guess he thought I would be most likely to go off alone looking for revenge. It was tempting, but I wanted to be sure we got this guy. I wouldn't do anything stupid if I could help it. Just to be on the safe side I needed to be sure Binkie understood that he needed to be sure to keep an eye on me in case it turns out that I can't help it.
Of course, now I had something else to worry about. This meant that Ranger would be coming back to town. Maybe he had reconsidered his stance on relationships and Stephanie. Maybe he would want to take her away from Trenton to keep her safe. Would she want to go? Was I enough to make her want to stay? Is this something I could even ask her about or would it look like I didn't trust her at all?
Who could I talk to about all of this? I needed some advice in the worst way. I looked around the table, and although I respected every person here as soldiers and co-workers they weren't exactly qualified to hand out relationship advice. Hell, Binkie was the one I considered to be the most stable of the bunch, and even he went to Steph with all his questions about Alyssa.
There was only one person I thought I could trust to give me an honest answer and not to tell Stephanie about my fears. When the meeting adjourned I told Binkie to go find Steph, I had some calls I needed to make and I would come down to her apartment in a few hours. He nodded and didn't seem to think there was anything odd about my instruction so he went happily down the stairs.
I went up to the roof to make my call so I could have some semblance of privacy. I pressed the number I'd know by heart for years and waited for an answer.
"Dad?" I said when a male voice answered.
"Ed? Twice in as many weeks, how are you?" He asked apparently happy to hear from me.
"I'm good dad. Listen I need some advice." I decided to cut right to the chase.
"What's going on, son? How can I help?" He asked sensing that I was serious and matching my tone with his own.
"There's a girl," I began not sure how to explain.
"Ah, are you sure you wouldn't rather talk to your mother? She she's a lot better with the relationship stuff. I know she's helped Peter a lot." He explained. I guess I was more like my father than I realized.
"No, I definitely don't need to talk to mom. You'll understand why in a minute." I told him hoping he would wait and let me explain.
"Alright," He said firmly accepting that there were times a guy needed to talk to his father.
"We've worked together for a few years. Over the last few weeks we've been spending a lot of time together and we've gotten really close. Last night we finally admitted how we felt about each other and everything seemed perfect, at least at the time it did." I tried to keep my explanation as short as possible.
"What happened this morning, then?" He asked understanding that something had changed.
"This morning I got word that a guy is coming back into town that has a strong interest in her. They have flirted on and off for years and she says they have a connection, but have never had a relationship, nor does she want one now." I told him, and then I figured I should add, "He's my boss."
"Ahh, I see why you needed to talk to me." My dad admitted.
When I was trying to make the decision to go straight to college or enter the army, my dad told me the story of how he and my mom met. They were teaching at the same school and my mother had been dating someone in administration at the superintendent's office, but it wasn't serious. My dad was still in the reserves and before one of his two week stints away they finally admitted how they felt about each other. The next day he kissed her goodbye and got on a plane to play GI Joe.
When he returned to Ohio he went straight to her apartment. When she answered the door, the look on her face told him something was wrong and when she fully opened the door he saw that the jerk was there. My dad grabbed her around the waist and kissed her hard and long. When he pulled back he saw her entire demeanor had changed and she looked overjoyed to see him. The guy had the good sense to give up and leave my mom alone after that, and my dad knew that even though he had been insecure when he saw the other guy was there; my dad was the one that put the smile on her face. He never doubted how she felt again.
"What did you want to ask about?" He prompted me when I got lost in the recounting of my parent's story.
"We just kissed for the first time last night, but if this guy is coming back should I step aside now so it will be easier if she decides Ranger is the guy for her?" I wondered not sure if I could really do it if he said yes.
"Let me ask you, would it be easy to give her up?" He asked me.
"No, I'm not even sure if I could, but if I had to, it seems like the sooner I do it, the easier it would be." I responded.
"Son, if you love this girl, then it doesn't matter when you do it; it you'll feel like your heart will never beat again. I can offer you one piece of advice though. Do you think she is smart? I mean does she usually make good decisions?" He pressed.
"Absolutely, her mind is amazing. She has an uncanny ability to put together clues and piece together puzzles." I admitted.
"Then you might need to consider the insult it would be to her if you tried to back away to give her a chance to figure out if she would rather have you or your boss. If she has explained that she would never want a relationship with him, and she says she wants one with you, then you are basically telling her you don't trust her to have made the right decision." He said making me realize he was exactly right. I would be telling her I didn't trust her and I knew how important trust was to me, why wouldn't she feel the same way?
"Alright Dad, you made your point. If I told her to think about it I would be an ass and would end up pushing her away. It's just, I don't have a lot of relationship experience and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing." I confessed.
"Don't worry about it son, I've been married forty years and I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, but I've never doubted how I felt. That's the important thing." He pointed out with a laugh.
I hung up and went downstairs to Steph's apartment. I'd been gone a while and realized I missed her. I had no crystal ball, but I knew what I wanted for my future. And right now, that future included a certain curly haired brunette with a big heart and a fridge full of leftovers.
A/N: A Special Thank you to Cathy (sonomom) who took the time to ask a physician some questions about Stephanie's condition for me. I so appreicate your help researching her injury and as a token of my appreciation I hope you enjoyed your "night" with Bobby.
