The smell of burning wood woke Byakuya up. He looked around with sleepy eyes and his gaze found Renji kneeling in front of the fire, motionless. The silence between them had become overwhelming and the words became even more scarce as the last day came. He stared at Renji's back, wanting to take a moment to marvel at his lover. He had hoped that his feelings for the redhead were purely carnal, and that, once that was satisfied, his mind will once again be at peace. But it just got worse. Renji's burning eyes, his wandering hands and his serving lips did not take away the pain of desire. They just made it worse, more infused with pain, which proved masochistically sweet.
"Dammit," he heard Renji say. The redhead rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.
"Fuck," Renji added, stirring the fire with a stick. His crimson hair caught the light of the growing fire, and Byakuya desperately wanted to hold him. He did not know what stopped him from jumping to do just that, but something inside told him it was time to slowly revert to his old ways. It was the only way he was going to survive leaving Renji tonight.
"What if I told you I loved you?" Renji asked, feeling Byakuya's eyes boring into his back.
"What?" Byakuya needed to hear that one again. Renji stood up in all his glory. His shirt was open and his hair freely fell over his shoulders. The redhead's feral nature always reminded Byakuya how impossible was to resist a being so primal.
"What if I told you I loved you?" Renji repeated slowly, attempting a reassuring smile in the process. It became almost impossible for them to keep the playful mood going, as much as they both tried. And they did try.
"It's a hypothetical question," Byakuya noticed.
"No shit."
It was a pathetic scene, and both of them knew just how pathetic it was. Still they tried to mask the despair and fear of losing each other.
"I don't tend to answer hypothetical questions," Byakuya.
Renji grew grim. His emotional strength was at its limit and he was not sure just how long he will be able to continue bantering and joking with something that was so damn important to him.
"Lose the what if, and I'll answer it," Byakuya said, with a mild smile. Renji sat next to the dream walker, and wrapped his arms around him. Byakuya buried his face into the fire of Renji's hair, his hands limp on Renji's thighs.
Renji pushed his lover down onto the blankets, and, without a word, he started undressing him. His hands wandered over Byakuya's soft skin. For the first time since they were free, Byakuya cringed from Renji's touch; it felt dishonest and distant. Feeling the smaller body under him tense up, Renji hugged him hard, squeezing the air out of Byakuya's lungs, as if he was afraid of what will come out of his own mouth.
"Renji, you'll break my ribs."
Renji eased his grip, but he still held on, unwilling to look into Byakuya's eyes.
"Sorry," Renji murmured into a voracious kiss.
He bit Byakuya's neck as he felt nails dig into his flesh, desperately holding onto him. Both of them wanted to make love, to make real those words which refused to enter the real world. But the last joining of their bodies did not reflect love, it reflected the imminent death of it.
Renji was violent, not caring for what the body beneath him needed before he entered it. Byakuya screamed in anguish, but he could hardly object the welcoming physical pain. He held onto Renji, with his teeth, with his nails, his legs.
Renji fucked him hard, each thrust a brutal shock to Byakuya's body, every push a painful declaration of how much he was not ready go, to be apart from Byakuya. The tears in Byakuya's eyes did not make him stop, they made him push harder, with all of his weight and all of his strength poured into each push. He could not feel the pain in his shoulder when Byakuya bit him, making him bleed, but still, tears welled up in his eyes at the very same moment he came, feeling no relief.
Renji's body went limp. Byakuya could not catch a decent breath under Renji's weight, but he could not be merciless enough to ask him to move. He felt the violent tremors which shook Renji's body as he sobbed into his ear.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," the wounded redhead kept whispering, almost unaware. He was paralyzed and tears of guilt drenched his face.
"Be quiet, Renji," Byakuya whispered gently, putting his arms around his redheaded beast, caressing him comfortingly.
They lay in silence, two grown men, soundless sobs shaking their bodies and their souls. Byakuya cried in pain, Renji in guilt. It was easier to let out their pain now they had their respective reasons to do so.
Soon, they fell asleep.
AN - I know, I know. It's short. Next chapter coming up tomorrow.
