A/N:
We're not at eleven. this time I don't really have much to say - well, except that I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.
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«I do not own any of the following pictures, music, characters or the original universe. I only own the story itself and the idea.»
Thanks a lot to Jakk Dion for betaing on this story.
A Bloody Rose - Part 11 - "The Soft Poison"
Soft. The smoothness of her skin was amazing. Brushing my lips against it, I opened them slightly and-
"Z-Zero?!"
I was shot back into focus, the daze completely gone. For a second I was unsure about my whereabouts, but then I remembered. I was in the forest with Yuki.
And I had been hungry.
"Zero!"
Panic began inside me and, as I heard her mumble, I realized my position. I was standing leaned up against a tree with my arm steadying me, and in front of me, squeezed between the tree and myself. All of these were observations that were done on instinct and without needing to look. Not that I would have been able to take it in with my eyes since these were already filled with a view of the deepest seas of brown.
"Ah!"
A sharp pain drew my attention to my lip.
My lip.
My heart stopped for several heart beats. My lips were pressed against something soft. Soft, and sweet and- I could taste blood, but once again it was my own. For a moment I felt confused. What could have happened? Why was I finding Yuki's rosy lips attached to my own?
I didn't know. I didn't want to know. It had happened by itself, and it scared me. What if-
I pushed her against the tree, savoring the sweetness of her lips a moment longer, before jerking myself away from her.
Oh, how I wanted to stay, to go back to our positioning and just. But no. I could not do that. I had promised myself that I wouldn't do that. Not to either of us. It would just cause pain. Misery. It could not- no it would not end well. I knew I should leave, but my feet felt so heavy, still, I made them move, and as I did, my eyes met hers.
My heart turned to pieces.
My eyes opened and I was rewarded with an intense hammering. It was all I could do to sit still without moving a bit - even moving my eyes sent punches of pain. What time was it? How long have I been here? My hand quickly grasp a hold of my shirt clenching close to my heart and my pulse quickened drastically. How long had it been since I took that one, last tablet?
I held my breath and tried to sense something, but I couldn't feel any hunger or madness. Just pain. Luckily, it was getting better, and as I waited a bit longer, I could finally move my eyes without too much discomfort. I opened them, and after adjusting to the light, I looked around and saw-
"Shit!"
My stomach twisted and I felt sick. What I had done? How far had it driven me? I crawled onto my knees and started to crawl around in the grass, carefully so not to upset neither my stomach or head. They were all around me. It had to be at least twenty, maybe thirty blood boxes - and neither one of them had a single tablet left in it.
That explained the headache at least. Though the tablets were designed as an alternative to blood, it still was different it a couple of ways. Many of the vampires had complained that the taste was not realistic enough, and it was also a downer when it came to 'the thrill of the kill'. Still, I suspected that these were just stupid excuses for vampires wanting to keep sucking people dry. No, the only proven difference between the two of them was what happened when consuming a large dosage of it. While blood, real blood, would give you a trip of ecstasy and power, the tablets affected you as alcohol did humans, although with one big difference: the fun. All it did was make the user's sight blurry and brain slower. It made you lose control and it came with a guaranteed hangover that, with the heightened senses of a vampire, was almost unbearable.
My arms were full when I had finally gathered up all the boxes I could see. I might still have missed some, but right now I didn't care. These, however, I looked down at the ones I had picked up, should be thrown away before anyone could find them. If they did, it might cause some questions - and I wasn't in the mood to answer.
I moved over to the old storage building behind the stables. Most only knew this as a locked-off place where outdated gardening equipment that was stored. It was a good excuse. No one ever wanted to look in here, just to get a glance at some moldy old spades and pitchforks. There was nothing to do with those objects, and if there suddenly was someone interested, there was a brand new set in the entrance to the stables.
Carefully, I got out a set of keys from my pocket. The lock was old and rusty on the outside, but that was just a good camouflage, and the door opened up without any resistance or sound. I looked over my shoulder to each side before entering, shutting the door close behind me. For a second I stood there in complete darkness, but I knew the place well - too well some might say, and I quickly found the light switch and turned them on.
The place was dusty, but besides from that, it was nothing like what you'd expect. The walls were painted dark and the stone floor was well maintained. I looked down the rows of shelves and headed towards the one marked with 'RECYCLE'. On it was a big load of boxes, and as I got over to it, I dropped all that I carried into it. The box was almost full now, and I realized just how many tablets were consumed each month. Well, I wasn't really one to judge. What I had just consumed was enough to last one of the vampire students for almost a whole week.
The shame hit me as I realized what I've done. Here I was complaining, pointing fingers and constantly talking of how they were monsters that never stopped consuming. Yet I was worse. Far worse actually. I hadn't thought of it in that way before. I was always looking down on them and how they still, occasionally, fed on humans when away from Cross Academy; giving into the their old habits. With me… I was always feeling so good about myself - that I never had and never would touch a single drop of blood. While, I just could not control myself when it came to my tablets, as if it were my own specialized drug. Part of me wanted to justify it. To say that I wasn't attacking a human and killing them. I still thought that my way was better, but when only looking at the addiction and control of it - I was far worse off.
And it will just get worse.
I knew that was the truth of it. Truth was, I knew much better than most others because of my upbringing. I knew that there was no way for a level E to go back and to free oneself from what happened. Things could be done to delay it, that was true, but eventually the human would be devoured by the monster.
And then no one would be safe.
She wouldn't be safe.
The thought of her sent a pole through my heart. It was too much, and without processing it, I strode over to another shelf and ripped open the closest box.
I locked the door behind me, but I did not return the key to it's pocket. It was full. They all were. Looking around me to ensure I was alone in the night, I hurried off into the night.
It was all dark in the windows of the boys' dormitory. Quiet not to wake anyone, I locked myself in and continued on the tip of my toes to my room. As I opened the door, I was half expecting it to creek loud - as it usually made the loudest of noises, but for once it stayed quiet. At least I didn't wake my roommate. He was okay, and I didn't have anything against him, but he wasn't fond of being woken up in the late night hours. So, as to common interest, I made my way over to my bed.
It felt so good. Normally I would complain over the quality - it was way less comfortable than the one I had at the head master's house, but not this time. I had slept outside, and that had taken its toll on my body. It clung to my body, and I let it do so and stayed down on my bed, not even bothering to get out of my uniform. I stretched my legs out, releasing my tense muscles, and then curled up into a ball.
I just wanted to sleep.
It felt like no more than a few minutes had passed, when I became aware of movement. I opened my eyes.
"Ah, morning, Zero."
It was my roommate. I didn't answer him.
"Ehm, not enough sleep, heh? When did you come in last night?" He scratched the back of his head. "Speaking of… I haven't seen you since two days ago - neither here nor at school."
I heard the question he didn't ask. But I was not going to answer. I had been lucky with my roommate. He was easy to get along with and didn't have a problem with me coming and going at all strange hours of day. I was lucky, but the same couldn't be said of him. Although he had tried many times to befriend me, I still chose to keep him out. I was friendly enough, and I did my best to be good roommate, but that was all. Of course, I would have liked to befriend him, but I knew it was for the best that I didn't. If I did, it would only bring more trouble and complication into my life - and I felt I already had enough of that. So, I tried to do my deeds as a good roommate should.
"Okay.. ehm… so I have to get to class now." He looked over at me, inviting me to come with him. However, looking at my face and the displeased expression I was sure to have, he nodded in understanding. "I hope you'll be able to rest up. Oh, and there are some crackers in top drawer; feel free to eat them if you're hungry."
Such a nice guy...
I grunted a thanks and he left the room, sending me a smile sprinkled with worry.
I already knew I wouldn't touch those crackers. I used to like them, love them actually, but even that taste had lacked its appeal… My attention was brought to my fingers, and I became aware that they were playing around with something in my pocket. Wondering, I pulled it out and held it up in front of my eyes.
The tablets.
The sight of the box brought up memories of the night's events. It was as if I was punched once more, the look she'd given me tearing into my chest. It hurt. I didn't want to think about it. Didn't want the scene to repeat over and over in my head.
But it did.
Over and over I went through it. The fear of hurting her. The surprise, the happiness from her sweet lips, the painful realization, and the-
- and the look she gave me.
Rolling over, I cursed myself. What had I done? Not only had I maxed out on tablets, not only had I been sloppy with my own feeding, but I had also done what probably was the worst decision in my life.
She hates me.
I was sure of that. Nothing else could come from it. I had been so stupid even to hope; to think that she would have even a remote interest in me. Why would she? She never had, so why would now make any difference? It had always been that way. Kaname had been the one she liked. He had been the one she wanted. She longed only for his touch - and not for mine.
Still, there had been times where I had fooled myself into thinking differently. She had the sweetest smile, and when she smiled at me I couldn't help but think it was special; that it meant something more than just a simple smile. That was a lie I told myself. She would never smile like that for me.
Her playfulness, or games and quarrels - it had been just that: quarrels. I had alway like it when she'd pouted her lips at me, her narrow eyes challenging me to another round. The daringness of our trust and understanding, the way she felt all stripped down and honest as if it was the most natural thing on earth.
'That is just how she is...and I just didn't notice.'
I felt so stupid and pathetic. How had I managed to fool myself like that? How had I been able to see what was not there. She was not mine. My 'sister' in a sense, but that was that. It had all been just that to her. All we did; a part of being siblings.
I popped open the box and shook it so that three tablets fell from it and into my mouth. I swallowed, a bitter feeling welling up in me.
It had been the tablets. The reason I was suffering was because of them. If it hadn't been for their existence, I would have been put away - chained up in a dungeon at the hunter association. My life would have turned into madness and hallucinations, but at least it would have been a short one.
But that wasn't the case. I had met Kaien Cross with his ambitions and his 'medication'. I was promised that it would help me and that it would both longer my life and make it better.
I had lived longer than expected - that much was true. In truth it had already given me a couple of years, and even if the madness took hold of me, I would still live another year or two at least - so long as no one put an end to me. I wanted that. Kaien didn't like it, but I think he still respect my wish enough to fulfill it when it happens. I do not wish to be no more than that thing, so if my human self disappears, I want the rest of me to follow.
Yuki.
I would have to tell her somethime. But how could I? I knew better than anyone that she had an affection to them and that she wouldn't judge me a bit if I told her, but I still couldn't do it. It just… it wouldn't be right to do it. She might not care what I was, but I cared. I didn't want her to think of me as a vampire or as a victim that needed comfort and support. No, I wanted her to see me as the man I was - and if she couldn't see me as a man, then at least as human.
I clenched my teeth together, once again recalling the softness of her lips.
Maybe it was for the best?
I blinked, confused by my inner voice.
Maybe it's better if she stays away from you?
Although still unsure of the voice, I couldn't ignore it's words. It was right. The truth of my new nature would do nothing but hurt both Yuki and myself. Not only when I had to reveal the secret of it, but also what would eventually happen. I didn't want her to go through that, and I especially didn't want to see what it would do to her.
"Yes," I whispered out in the empty room. "It would be better if I just left. I could go away and never return."
It wouldn't be as difficult as earlier either, I realized. If I had done this last week or yesterday - even at nightfall - she would have followed me - even if only to reprimand me.
But not now…
I was sure of that, and after what I had done, I didn't blame her. The bond between us was severed, and for once it was for the best. It was done, over. She wouldn't want to see me, and I would make it easier for her. When I left she would be free and, although she might not know it, on her way to a happier and safer life than any I could have been a part of.
'Yes, It would all be for the better...'
A/N:
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