Chapter 11

Emily walked down the shore. It was early fall, but the wind blowing across the water made it a little too cold. Emily smiled as her body shivered. She walked closer to the water's edge until the deep green water began to wash against her bare feet. She had walked this path a thousand times as a child. Her happiest memories were staying at this cabin, feeling this sand, playing in this water. She smiled again as she thought back to the summers building sandcastles, making jewelry with shells, and building forts with the driftwood along the shoreline. The time she had been stung by the jellyfish and ran inside to the ambassador, who for the first and only time held the crying child and comforted her like a mother should. She knew this would be the place. This final act of control, choosing the place she would say goodbye to this world forever and accept the fate of what would be next.

As she began the slow walk back to the cabin she began to picture her future, would Matthew be there to welcome her to heaven, would she be doomed to an eternity in hell, after all suicide was a sin. Maybe she wasn't being punished enough, having to leave everything she loved behind, maybe she was supposed to suffer forever.

Before she knew it she was back in the cabin. She felt the hot tears stream down her cheeks as she thought of JJ and the emotions going through her head as she was read the note. She wouldn't make it in time but she couldn't let her feel guilty either. Emily grabbed another paper and jotted down a few words, "Jennifer this was not your fault." She walked into her bedroom letting her clothes fall off her shoulders as she made her way to the bathroom.

She took a deep breath turning the faucet as hot as she could make it. She wanted to feel the pain physically that was emotionally crippling her. She stepped in gasping as the hot water began to burn her delicate skin. She slid down deeper and deeper until her head barely stayed out of the water. She breathed deeply as red blisters began to form over her pale figure. She let her head slip carelessly under the water gazing at the world from a different view. She wondered if the world would be under a veil to her now, walking amongst the living unable to reach, to touch to feel.

She brought her head up as spots began to cloud her vision, coughing violently as water was expelled from her lungs. Her end must be equal to her suffering. She would not fall asleep after taking some pills, slumber deeply in a sea of water, or feel nothing but the cold butt of the barrel against her skull. She needed to hurt, she needed to feel a pain like no other.

JJ ran frantically through the cabin. She had texted Garcia requesting medics just in case the letter was real. She been so grateful that the technical analyst hadn't questioned her that she didn't realize she must have known. JJ was blissfully unaware of Hotch and Morgan's presence racing to the cabin only moments behind her. She spotted Emily's clothes, as her breath began to hitch. She slowly opened the door to the bathroom spilling the light into the room. JJ felt her heart stop at the sight in front of her. She felt her body struggle to breathe as she stood frozen unable to process the image in front of her, unable to act.

Morgan stopped the SUV and bolted into the cabin leaving Hotch to throw it into park as the truck rolled onto the beach. Morgan went straight for the stairs, he had remembered a story Emily told him while driving her, about how her room was the only one on the 2nd floor and had the perfect view of the sunrise.

"EMILY, EMILY?" Morgan yelled to no avail. "JAYJE WHERE ARE YOU? He tried knowing the woman was here by the SUV parked outside.

Morgan turned into a room following the soft glow illuminating the hallway. He felt his heart skip as he caught sight of the communication liaison frozen outside the door, shaking like a leaf, paler than he had ever seen another human being. His heart broke for what must have put her in that position. She faced the worst of the world everyday and he had never seen her more broken. Knowing Hotch was close behind he lead her over to the bed and sat her down before returning to the bathroom and pushing the door open.

Emily started to shiver as the water cooled down. She had been lying there unknowingly for hours. Way longer than she had planned to wait. She didn't realize the team would have read her letters, they would be on their way, with a chance to save her. She let her eyes run down her naked emaciated body. She took notice of how every bone was pushed to the surface, how her skin was saggy, and bluish purple marks tainted her once porcelain skin. All those weeks without food had exposed her true form, ugly, broken, empty.

For a moment, just a moment she considered her dignity, she hoped it wasn't her team to find her this way. Not for the gore that she would most certainly inflict but her naked exposed figure. No one should have to see her tainted form. The guilt began to multiply as images of her Jennifer finding her like this filled her head. She knew this was selfish, she knew they would blame themselves, but she couldn't be the cause of there pain for another second. They didn't want her anymore. The truth is they couldn't forgive her any more than she couldn't forgive herself.

They called themselves her family. Family was a powerful word. To her it meant unconditional love, friendship, support and most importantly forgiveness. She had experienced each of these emotions with her team. The ambassador may have given her life, but the BAU gave her family.

Forgiveness, she turned that word over and over again in her head. She knew she was weak, she knew this was wrong, she knew she was only a shell of her former glory. How could they mourn someone who was never there? How could they mourn her when they never really knew her? Jennifer would be fine, they would all be fine.

As the last of the fear, the guilt, the doubt washed away Emily reached for the item she knew from childhood would inflict the pain she deserved to feel. She reached her hand under the water pressing the blade deep into her porcelain skin. She lost all concept of time, time didn't matter, all that mattered was pain, she needed this to be as painful as possible. She needed her final act to be a punishment for all the pain she caused. She needed it to hurt her as much as she hurt her team. She smiled as her hand carved several long incisions across her legs, not realizing the lines spelt Die. She moved up to her abdomen, starting from the right side and pulling deeply and forcefully across to the left side dipping into her navel as she went. Tracing over the sensitive scar Doyle had left, Doyle the reason she was here, alone, forgotten. Heavy crimson blood mixed with the clear water making it impossible for her to see anymore of her skin. Emily passed out from a mixture of the blood loss and weakened state of her malnourished body. She was pulled from her trance by a large banging from downstairs.

Oh god they were here, her time was up. Panic filled her mind causing her weak heart to race, shooting the little blood she still had from the cuts all over her body. Her head began to sworm as she took the blade and made her final cut across her wrist, closing her eyes and taking her last breaths.