All Characters and references taken from "Twilight" are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer.
ALL MUSICAL LYRICS ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE AUTHOR AND THE MUSICIANS THAT OWN THEM.
Now....The first half of the story contains third person characterization. I did this so that it would be slightly easier to understand what is going on...hope its not too crazy....
WARNING....'nuff said
****
"I was born into this
Everything turns to shit.
The boy that you loved is the man that you fear…
…I have it all and I have no choice but to,
I'll make everyone pay and you will see.
You can kill yourself now
Because you're dead in my mind.
The boy that you loved is the monster you fear…
…Pray your life was just a dream,
The cut that never heals…
Pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream…
The world in my hands, there's no one left to hear you scream.
There's no one left for you."
Man That You Fear: Marilyn Manson
I had never given much thought to how I would die-though I had reason enough in the last few months-but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this…
Bella's eyelids flutter, sporadic. Silver white specs flash behind paper-thin flesh.
Cold…So very cold.
Her breathing, staccato. Lungs weakened beneath whitewashed ribs; their existence flawed like crescent tips of the sea.
Wrists bound…raw.
Sam hovers, idly. His body rests over the rust-stained bath that will soon become her grave. Calloused fingertips trail her collarbone, dipping languorously lower towards heaving breasts. Dare he touch…?
Body wet…sticky.
Bella's eyes widen. Chocolate orbs the size of dinner plates plead for release. A muted moan; covered by abrasive cloth drowns out her protests.
Head…dizzy.
Thick syrup coats her throat. The rusted-iron gags her. Bella's pleas die along with her strength.
Please…don't.
Her body recoils. Wrapping itself inward as Sam valiantly submerges his fingers beneath the hem of her burial gown. His laughter instills fear and he retreats, momentarily.
"You're much more fun when you're high…"
His words leave a dull ache in the pit of her stomach. Through raccoon painted eyes, tainted with tears, she watches. Sam's image swirls like molten lava, burning her psyche.
"This should do the trick."
She can feel the knot come undone. The bloodstained handkerchief falls before her, resting on her bosom. The scouring pad remains. Slicing the soft meat of her mouth as she tries to push it outward with her tongue.
"Tsk, tsk, Bella."
Sam grabs her face, puckering heart-shaped lips. Smeared rouge paints her pale cheek as his thumb pulls the shape from her lips. Desecrating what is left of her dignity his venomous tongue slithers across her cheek, from jaw to eyelash. Leaving behind a shimmering road of repugnance. Bella's body retreats, but fractured bones do not acquiesce.
Please…I beg.
Her lips are held open as the silencer is removed. White tablets of escape are forced within, taking its place. Her body reels from the intrusion and she fights to avoid consumption. Sam places his large hand firmly over her mouth. Covering her nose; not allowing her a single breath. Bella's only option, swallow or die.
Someone…help, please.
The bitterness that is left causes bile to rise up Bella's esophagus. An all too familiar sensation. Sam replaces her gag, kissing her softly on tattered lips before locking away her screams once more.
So…tired…
Bella's eyes roll. The combination of exhaustion, too many pills, and too small a frame to carry it all-consumes her. Her body absorbs the white tablets all too soon. Sam looks over her body. His growing member hardening at the sight of her forced indecency. Her short, short dress is torn. Knees scraped, bruised. Dried crimson paths mark the pale skin below the mesh. Sam imagines Bella's willful submission as her hands are bound tightly before her. Frayed wire digging into miniscule wrists.
Cant…stay…awake…
Sam recalls her screams, her fight, as he bound and gagged her. The blunted force to her head not enough to subdue her for as long as he had liked. The cracking of her tiny bones, like shattered glass echoes through his conscious. She was a fighter.
Need…to…fight…
Blood cakes her now sodden curls. The gaping wound above her brow still seeping. Crimson trails of life stream down the smooth curves of her face. His hand lingers above, wanting to wipe away the evidence of his doing. But, her soft moans of discomfort ignite a flame within him.
Fight…
Her thighs fall slightly ajar as her will to fight weakens, and Sam's attention now lies at the apex of her legs. His mouth waters. Just a little touch…Sam's hand creeps over Bella's heavy bosom. Caressing the fabric reverently as he moves. His hand lies directly above his desire. Black torn tulle lies between his lust and his need for release.
Fight…for…
Just as Sam lifts the obnoxious material, the door in the other room opens. Slamming shut with an audible blow. Jacob has arrived, furious. Sam's hand withdraws. He rises from his perch, brushing himself off as he does so. Sam adjusts his now quickly subsiding erection; before leaving Bella to lie, alone, in a pool of her own fluids.
Edward…
Jacob enters the small square of the bathroom before Sam can escape. His eyes on Bella and her broken body. He quakes with anger. Jacob glares at Sam speculatively, already convinced in his belief of what took place in his absence. He walks abruptly from the room; Sam reluctantly follows.
Edward…
Bella hears them talking. Her body frozen in pain, chest imploding with every breath. There is no way to escape, no way for Bella to run. Jacob, finally able to follow through with his promise to her. She would be his, until her last breath. He would own her.
Edward…
The sounds in the other room are loud. Bella's surroundings become a thickened fog. Her body is numbing, shock is setting in, as Bella tries to comprehend what is taking place behind the thin walls.
Broken glass…groaning…loud…pop…
Bella's eyes can barely open now. Her instincts tell her she is no longer alone. Her breathing labors, shallows. Fractured ribs jut into bruised lungs as she pants and sees him. His stance ominous, haunting.
Fight for hope…promise.
Jacob saunters closer. His shirt covered in scarlet stain. His face peaceful, content until he stands above her beaten body. He closes in on her, observing the damage done. His rough palm glides over her now barren thigh, remnants of black hose fall below her in shards.
Fight for Mom, Dad…hope.
His hand creeps under the mass of flattened tulle. He licks his lips in want, need. Ready to take back what is his? Bella's breathing barely quickens.
Alice…Rosalie…hope.
Bella closes her eyes. The last image she wants to see, not before her now. She thinks back to her childhood. Her fathers strong hand, guiding her, loving her. She recalls her mother's regret, her need to be forgiven, and her need for acceptance. Bella smiles, her dry lips tear, pulling minutely under restraint. She evokes a happier time. One with Alice and Rosalie. True friends. Her friends
"Still think you're too good for me, Bella?"
Edward lingers in her thoughts, unforgettable. Her eyes well with unshed tears for the love she will never know or confess. The promise of hope nothing more now than a fading dream, a star whose spark has ceased. Bella imagines what could have been, her future, their future. Edward's adoration for her, his devotion. She recalls his touch, and the way she felt safe, human, while in his presence. Her heartbeat falters and she can feel herself slowly fade. Her staggered breathing nothing more than rasped pants. Her heart fighting, pumping…losing.
Edwards smiling image, sparkling eyes, the one she chooses to take with her to her final resting place. As the light behind her eyelids turn from small flecks to a steady stream, Jacobs touch is barely noticeable, feather light. Bella succumbs to the bright, the pain already subsiding, diminishing. It welcomes her…invites her. She knows it will not be long till she is within her comfort zone once more. She knows he is waiting and with him, she will be safe.
I'm coming, daddy. I'm coming home…
****
"Am I in heaven?"
"Do you think you're in heaven, Bells?"
"I'm not sure. I must be in heaven…you're here."
"I'm always here."
"Then it must be heaven. Will we stay here forever? Just you and me…?"
"Bella, you can't stay here with me."
"But, why? Where will I go? Please, I don't want to be alone, without you."
"But, you won't be alone. You're never alone."
"Then who will be with me?"
"Those that are waiting…"
"But…I don't understand. I thought you'd be waiting."
"I'm sorry, Bells. Not this time…not now."
"Then who is waiting? Daddy, please. I don't-"
"Its time, Bells…time for you to go home."
"But, I-I am home. I'm with you."
"This isn't where you belong, Bella. You must go."
"Please, I don't want to leave you…d-don't leave me…not again."
"I've never left you, I've always been right here. Now breathe, Bella…I need you to breathe…breathe, and go home."
"But…I've missed you so much…so much, dad. "
"I've missed you too, Bells. However, right now there are people waiting for you. They have been waiting a long time…they miss you too…You have to go…you will never be alone again, I promise. Now…breathe, Bella…breathe…breathe…"
"B-but dad…"
****
"Stand back…CLEAR…"
Bella's back arches upward before falling back onto the gurney below.
"…again…stand back…CLEAR!"
Once again, her chest heaves, her limp body goes rigid as she lands on the pad awaiting her; a powerful gasp escapes her as she gulps in air-painfully. A strong hand touches her neck; the fingers dug deep, palpating, searching.
"I have a pulse…set up another line, increase the fluid…Atrophine one-milligram, every five minutes…call the O.R., tell them to scrub up."
Bella's eyes open to faint slits. She can see the fuzzy man above her as she swallows in forced air-her mouth and nose covered completely in a breathing device. Instinctively, she moves her hands to her mouth, prying at the soft plastic that is applied there.
"No, Isabella. Do not move. You have many fractures…and, a tube in your chest."
Bella freezes, eyeing the blonde man above her before taking in a sharp breath.
Am I screaming?
"I need thirty-five milligrams of Morphine STAT whatever they had given her has worn off…"
She hears him mumble before turning his attention to her once more. "Isabella?"
The blonde man asks, looking down upon Bella with benevolence. She can feel the air whirling past her cheeks as she is moved briskly through large bright corridors.
"Isabella, I am Dr. Cullen. You're going to be okay, you're at the Hospital…You are safe now."
Dr. Cullen? Edward…
Bella closes her eyes, the medicine taking effect. Her body lies wilted. She feels euphoric. Bella succumbs to the calming presence around her, and within her, handing herself over-completely.
"You have no idea how lucky you are, Isabella." He says as he leans down closer to her face.
There's that word again, lucky…
Bella can feel the trail of tears fall down her cheeks as Dr. Cullen quickly wipes them away with his latex covered fingertips. He gently tucks stray tendrils behind her ear before speaking quietly.
"We've been waiting for you…"
His liquid honey eyes glaze over as his words trail off into a whisper. Bella is rushed into an intensely lit room. The strong scent of disinfectant assaults her and she senses the purpose of where she has been taken-an operating room. A small amount of anxiety creeps over her, but not enough to cause her distress. Bella can feel her body being lifted from where she lay flaccid before being placed, gently, onto another soft surface. Immediately, another device is being placed over her mouth. A woman's angelic voice begins telling her to breathe deeply and Bella obliges, or at least she thinks she is.
Seconds before Bella's eye roll their final revolution into the back of her head, she hears Dr. Cullen's voice ring one last time. Bella strains, focusing on his words as she inhales the sweet scent being distributed into her arid mouth.
"…someone call her mother…and, please…call my son as well."
****
"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I've set you apart.
Tell me your secrets.
And ask me your questions.
Oh, let's go back to the start…
Nobody said it was easy.
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start…
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures.
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress.
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh, tell me you love me.
Come back and haunt me.
Oh, and I rush to the start…"
The Scientist: Coldplay
It was the incessant beep above my head that woke me. Like an alarm clock, just out of reach, snooze button nowhere in sight.
I felt rested, though my eyes remained closed. I was aware I was in the hospital. That much I could recall clearly. What brought me here…I would rather not.
Edward's father had saved me, my angel, brought me back to life. Like his son, they shared a common purpose and that was to help others.
I was semi-inclined, and could feel myself growing tired of this position. My body begged to move and be stretched.
How long had I been like this?
I tried to shift my body, but felt the aching, everywhere. I could feel numbness in my right side, and pressure at my waist, as I tried to lift my body but was met with a heavy resistance.
Was I being held down?
Panicked, I clenched my eyes tight as my body went taut. I was afraid to look, afraid to see what demons lay before me. The memory of being bound and gagged in that cold, dirty tub still fresh and the thought that Jacob was with me here, at the hospital--sent my pulse into overdrive. The monitor with its relentless drone mirrored my heartbeat, as my rate began to quicken.
The heaviness on my waist lessened slightly and I forced myself to face the wrath that I had been dealt.
I opened my eyes, hesitantly. Keeping them squinted as I tried to calm my fleeting heart while adjusting to the dimness surrounding me. Once the haze disappeared, I could finally see the object that was to blame for my restraint.
Hunched over the side of my hospital bed, pale arm wove around my waist was hope. His bronze hair wild, resting atop my cloth covered forearm.
Edward.
The light of the monitors; as well as the glare of the full moon coming through the open curtains, lit up the room in a soft iridescent glow. I tried in earnest to be still, wanting to absorb his closeness, bask in his radiating warmth. Nevertheless, my body was numbing further and I really needed to move.
I could feel his breath, through parted petal soft lips. The air, hot and drawn out warmed the thin fabric that covered my arm. A low murmur of a snore escaped him. Something that could easily have gone unnoticed, but not by me.
He began to stir. And, I already grieved the loss that was to come. I continued to look down at him as he slowly lifted his head, removing it from its resting place, glancing around the perimeter of the room lazily. My heart rate sped, again. Excitement building within me at his wakefulness.
Awoken fully by the monitor, Edward rapidly threw his head towards its direction. It was now ringing like a siren in the once quieted room. It would only be a matter of time before a Nurse came in to check me.
Until then I stared. Watching Edwards profile, the tightening of his jaw as his concern grew. He was so close, yet still so far. I drank him in, his scent, his beauty, before finally he became aware of my consciousness.
"Bella?" His words rang like a symphony, soft, and tantalizing.
"Edward." My voice was barely audible. My mouth dry, as I was parched. I took in the sight before me. Edwards green irises, those eyes that sang to me, rose to meet my own.
"Oh, god, Bella. Love…"
Before I could reply, Edward's arms were wrapped around me. My back lifted off the bed as he peppered kisses all over my face, my jaw, my neck. He stopped, and I could feel the intake of breath, inhaling me, as his lips hovered above the crook of my neck. And, than I felt them.
Tears.
Edward was crying. Weeping into my shoulder, holding on to me as if I was the buoy that would keep him afloat. It was ironic because he was all that to me. It was his image I saw, his name that stayed on my tongue during my darkest hour. He had been my solace, my refuge, and he didn't even know.
"I-I thought I lost you…we all did."
His statement was more than just words. They were raw emotion, a minor glimpse into what had been going through his head, for god knows how long. I watched him as he pulled away-marginally-looking me straight in the eyes. His white cotton shirt unkempt, rising slightly over his tensed abdomen. He pulled his fingers through his air as he sighed. Not allowing his eyes to wander away from me for the slightest of seconds. His posture spoke for him in his silence, rolling off him in waves, as he continued to drink in my presence, my life.
He thought I had died.
"Edward, I'm here. I'm here…with you." I said with finality, hoping he would hear how true my words were.
"Edward? Is everything alright?" A woman called from the doorway, her Spanish accent thick on her tongue. She reminded me of Gianna. I assumed it was the Nurse I had been awaiting.
"Everything is wonderful, Carmen. Bella is awake! Please, call my father…and her mother, of course."
The Nurse left quickly, closing the door behind her and I thought it odd that she took orders from Edward. I also thought it quite odd that she did not even bother to come in and check me.
Maybe I had died.
Edward's lips returned to my neck, a place I never thought I would feel him, ever. He continued his ministrations, breathing in heavily, applying gentle kisses that began to trail upward towards my jaw.
A part of me felt that this was not real. Edward, in my hospital bed, kissing me. The thought was too surreal and I began contemplating whether this may be another drug-induced hallucination. But, as I lie; Edward stood before me, I could feel it. His adoration, his emotion. It was pouring out of him and my body was willingly accepting of it.
Maybe this is purgatory.
I closed my eyes. Relishing in whatever realm I was in. Letting my body submit to his touch. Ignoring the absence of the Nurse, the absence of the light. I savored his caress, the feeling of him as his lips slid over my jaw, his nose grazing my cheek as he stealthily moved towards my mouth. I tried to push myself into his body, feel his heart beat through his chest as he held me. But, my body hurt, I was in pain.
Should I still feel pain if I am dead?
Ignoring what I should not be feeling, I let my hunger for Edward consume me. I would not mask it, nor would I let anything take its place.
His lips finally reached their destination, resting above my chaffed ones. He rubbed his own against them, breathing in our closeness. I brought one arm upward, it felt awkward and weightless. Ignoring the sensation, and the tubes dangling below it-pulling at the needle within my hand-I placed my fingers at the nape of his neck, allowing them to reunite with the feel of his skin.
If this is purgatory than let me stay forever…
I ran my fingertips through his hair, delicately scratching than massaging the scalp below. Something I had always wanted to do since the day we first met. Edward took a deep breath. And, I could feel his eyebrows crease as he pressed his forehead lightly to my own.
"I will never walk away from you again, Bella…when they said you were gone…to think that I had lost you-"
His body tensed and a harsh sob escaped him, leaving him breathless. I could feel new sets of tears fall from his eyes. Those that trailed down his nose dropped onto my awaiting lips. Their saltiness, immediately soaked up by the sponge that awaited there.
"Shh, Edward…Shh." I said, trying to placate him. Gently caressing the back of his head, lovingly. I would be a martyr in this realm as well.
"Bella…I swear to you…if I ever…EVER find Jacob Black…I will kill him."
His vow of revenge hit me like a wave. He had said Jacobs name, his full name. Something was off. I pulled away slightly, leaning back against the pillow propped behind me.
"Wait, Edward…J-J-Jacob is still out there? How…How did I get here than…who found me?"
I became frantic with the knowledge that Jacob was possibly still out there. Still waiting for me. I had assumed that if I was here, in the hospital, that maybe…just maybe…
"Bella, please! You need to calm down. Let me explain. You've been asleep…"
Edward's tears were slowly rolling over his lower lids as he looked at me wide eyed, rubbing lazy circles on my cheek with his thumb.
"How long Edward…how long have I been asleep?"
My words left me through gritted teeth. I was angry. Angry with myself, Jacob, Sam, the world.
"Since you got here?" He said in a whisper, lowering his head. "Three days now."
I gasped as Edward looked back up, holding my chin gently in his hand. I wanted to scream.
Had he been waiting all this time?
I shook my head in denial, looking towards the door, defiant. Holding back my own sobs of release.
"Please, Bella. Please don't pull away from me." He whispered.
I could feel his pain. It was tangible. I wanted to take it away but knew I couldn't. I couldn't take away my own pain. Which was becoming increasingly worse as the seconds passed.
"Edward, I think…I think I need the nurse."
I looked back to him, my teeth clenched as I bit back the ache. Edward retreated, pulling the arm still wrapped around me away. My body instinctively recoiled as he grazed my left side, a little too hard.
"Ouch! What the-" I screamed as Edward pulled away completely, falling off the bed as he did so.
"Nurse…NURSE!!!"
Edward called, as the intense pain went shooting from my rib cage throughout my whole body, like tips of a flame-licking every inch of me. I writhed in agony as Edward pressed the 'Call' button on the wall repeatedly, yelling for assistance as he did.
This was definitely not purgatory, this was officially hell.
"Oh, fuck! I'm so sorry, Bella! I didn't mean to…I'm so sorry."
My eyes slammed shut as I winced. The tears' falling out of them like torrential down pours. I could hear the door open, the main light be thrown on. I could see the brightness from behind my eyelids. Too familiar. Unwelcome.
"Bella, tell me what you feel? Are you in pain?" A woman asked me and I peeked through tear filled eyes to look at her. Edward stood behind her, cautious. His hands practically ripping his hair from his head.
"I'm calling my father." He stammered, pacing the floor before walking away.
"Edward, your father has already been called. He is in surgery, he will be here shortly." She said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at Edward's apparent unneeded anxiousness.
"Your mom is on her way also, Bella. By the way, I'm your Nurse. My name is Kate. I need to know on a scale of one-to-ten; ten being the worst, what your pain is."
Kate hovered over me and I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself but they did nothing to help my situation. If anything they only managed to exacerbate the pain more.
"Ten…it's a ten. Why does my side hurt so badly…and inside…all over?"
As I questioned, Kate, I could feel a warm wetness beneath my gown. Right above where the epicenter for my pain lie. Without thought, I grabbed for the hem of the gown. Not caring if I was nude beneath it. I lifted it up and reality hit me.
I was alive, I did survive.
On my ribcage lay a set of metal tracks. Sutures, Kate had called them in my stupefied haze. Apparently, I had surgery. But, why?
"Edward, sit beside Bella while I clean her up. Your presence seems to calm her." She smiled down at me and winked as Edward took the seat beside me, opposite Kate. He was nervous, and his hand trembled as he took my own within his palm. He began to rub consoling circles over the back of my hand; careful not to touch the needle that lie housed within.
"I'm so sorry…it's all my fault. I wasn't gentle enough, I wasn't paying attention. I was too caught up…"
"Edward, please. I don't need your apologies. I just need…you." I confessed. My eyes heavy as they began to close. I could feel his heat, his love as he sat silent beside me. Every so often, he lifted my hand, grazing my knuckles with his soft lips, tenderly.
We sat in silence as Kate cleaned my wound, doing whatever it was that needed to be done. Edward not once glancing towards my lifted gown.
The pain medication Kate had given me was beginning to work its way through my system, making me sleepy. My head felt heavy, as I lay with it turned towards Edward-watching him, watching me. Our silent conversation the most verbose we had ever been.
I had no concept of time, or what day it was. The only thing that alerted me to a new day was the sunrise, breaking the horizon in the eastern sky. I gazed in awe of the beauty the sky beheld as the purple, and pink hues signaled a new dawn, a new beginning. Edward was sat in front of the large picture window, the break of day casting an aura around him, making him gleam like a prism. His body hunched over once more, head leaning on my forearm, softly. His lips parted, kissing my skin below.
I watched him reverently, in my clouded haze. Every so often his lips would leave my skin and he would gaze up at me through his thick lashes.
I loved him.
I loved him completely.
"Edward…" I called his name and his weary head rose from its safe place. His jade eyes looked tired, restless.
"Edward, how long have you been here?"
He looked at me with sadness before lifting his body so that he was leaning over mine. He took the hand that had held my own; for countless hours I am sure. And he placed it softly on my cheek. His thumb outlining the perimeter of my lips.
"I told you I wouldn't be too far behind…I promised and I let you down…I will never make that mistake again.
"I've been here since they found you…Me and your mom, we've taken turns. But, I've never left…even when she thought I had. I shower here, eat here. Alice brings me new clothes…"
He smirked, turning his head to look out at the now sunlit sky. I could hear my mother and Dr. Cullen speaking outside in the hallway.
I didn't want this to end. Whatever this was.
"Bella…" He said as he turned his head slowly so that his eyes were focused on me once more.
"There is something you need to know, something I should have said…but couldn't."
I smiled, patiently waiting. My eyes rolling, ready to close.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you…y-you mean so much to me, you don't even know."
I wanted to cry at his confession. If I could stay awake…just to tell him.
"Bella, I almost lost my chance…I almost lost you. I can never lose you, not now, not ever."
I took the hand that held my cheek, pulling his face closer to mine with my free one. I held his stubby jaw in my palm and I looked up through heady lashes at his starry eyes.
"You will never lose me, Edward. Never. I am yours for as long as you want me."
I could hear my mothers voice come closer, as Edward pressed his lips to mine. Delicately enveloping my top lip with his two. His kiss was soft and gentle before he spoke against them once again.
"I want you forever, Bella…you are…you are my world, without you I am lost, nothing…"
I cupped his face with my weak hands. Forcing my eyes open, praying for my mother to give me one more minute. Just one more minute so that I could purge myself of my emotions just as Edward was doing. Just one more…
"...I love you, Bella…"
awwwwwww....I'm sorry but I just had to go there =)
As much as canon Bella makes me want to puke...sometimes. I couldnt kill her. I just dont have it in me, sorry.
So...Edward has confessed....I think there will only be another 1 or 2 chapters. Thanks to those that havent given up on me and this crazy journey. I'm almost sad to see it go...but, I have another idea in the works. Till next week....
