Micha settled on his couch while he went to the kitchen for some cold drinks. Walking back into the living room, he stopped as he spotted her with her legs curled up and her head resting on her hand. The sight of her there, comfortable on his couch, waiting for him, took his breath away. God, this is…fantastic. She is so beautiful and she's here…with me. He edged closer, his eyes never leaving her until he stood in front of her, offering a drink.
She smiled at him and took one out of his hand. "Please Jim, sit next to me."
Jim eased down, settling close but not too close. If they were going to talk, a little distance might be good. Too close and he'd get lost in her again and forget the talking. And he wanted to know more, needed to know more if he was going to have a chance at making her happy.
"So, you want the first question or should I ask it," he smiled nervously.
She seemed a little startled by his directness. After taking a sip from her glass, she set it down on the end table and turned back to him. "You were married…to Ellie's mother, right?"
Jim nodded, "yeah, but it was a long time ago. I've been here, in Vegas for years. My ex is back in Jersey."
"So, what happened….that she is your ex, I mean."
Jim clenched his jaw as he ruminated over an answer. He wanted to be honest with her, not flippant as was his usual response to the question. "Several things, I guess," he began. "I worked vice in those days and was away a lot. It takes a toll. When I did come around, she'd always be angry, gave me hell for being gone all the time. Eventually she got lonely and began looking elsewhere for….company. I probably wouldn't even have known except that she went shopping at the PD for her…entertainment." He watched Micha as he talked and saw the disgust that filled her features and then turned to anger. "It ate at me for awhile," he continued, "and then I got involved with someone else. She was good for me at the time and didn't deserve the shit that came her way because of it."
"Annie." Micha said softly.
"Yeah, Annie. I think…I mean, I don't want to sound egotistical or anything, but I think she was in love with me. But Nancy, my ex, well…she got pregnant and Ellie was born. So I figured a bad marriage was better than no marriage, especially with a kid in the picture. So, I stuck it out trying to make it work awhile longer. But I was still working vice and not the husband or father I should have been. Nancy got angrier as time passed and more blatant in her affairs. And some stuff happened at the precinct that made work pretty tough. I was looking for comfort in the wrong places, mostly the bottom of a bottle and then one day, I looked in the mirror and I didn't much like what I saw." Jim sighed, the pain of those years flooding over him. "Anyway, I cleaned up the situation at work and then moved out, leaving Nancy and Ellie behind. A year later I was out here. I tried to, you know, still be a Dad to Ellie but I think by then the distance between us emotionally was even greater than the miles between Jersey and Vegas. So I haven't talked to Nancy in years and Ellie hates me." He looked at Micha, fearful of what he might find in her face…disgust, repulsion, or worse, pity.
She was frowning in a thoughtful manner. Finally, she looked at him. "So is Ellie really yours or from one of Nancy's affairs?"
Damn, how'd she make the connection so fast? "I wasn't the sperm donor," he replied tersely.
He thought he saw tears in her eyes as she looked at him. "I'm sorry Jim. You deserve to have kids of your own."
He wiped his face with his hand and shrugged. "No, I don't. I wasn't a very good father when I had the chance. I'm trying to make up for that with her but its too late, I think. I dunno, I was all wrapped up in the job and in my own grief to be any good for her. I screwed it up royally."
"Seems like her mother did that. Maybe if Ellie was yours, biologically I mean, maybe things would have been different."
"Maybe," Jim conceded. "But it's all done now. I help when I can and the rest of the time, I don't hear from her."
"And she's in trouble again…"
"Yeah," Jim grunted. "Annie'll get her a good lawyer. I'll do what I can from here."
"Why not go to her?" Jim sensed that Micha was truly concerned, not just curious. He just didn't know quite how to answer her question. Shrugging, he tried. "She doesn't want me there…and I've seen enough of her life to last a lifetime. I don't wanna know everything." Sadly he concluded, "It about killed me when I found out…about her life."
He could feel Micha's eyes on him, studying him. He could also feel her anxiety. He felt lousy for laying all of his sadness on her but there were things she would have to know about him and this was one of the big ones. Better get it over with now… Looking up, he was surprised by the expression on her face, one of total awe. The green of her eyes glittered through tears and she raised her hand to his face, gently stroking his cheek. "One day, she'll realize how lucky she is," Micha said softly. The thought warmed Jim momentarily, but then sadness engulfed him again. "I doubt it," he answered more coldly than he intended.
"Okay,' she whispered, matching his mood. "But if you ever want to go…and you need company, I'll go with you…just to be there…for …you. I mean, if you want me there…to... I don't know…be someone who cares…about…you." Jim could hear the sincerity in her voice, the care…maybe love? He sighed deeply and then looked at her again. "Thanks…maybe one day…" Her lips curled slightly upward. "Yes, one day…"
The sat quietly, absorbed in one another and the possibility of 'one day.' Then breaking the spell, Micha spoke, "So, what would you like to ask me about? I've told you about the accident…"
"Oh, yeah…well…at the hospital the doctor mentioned scarring. It um, well…made me wonder…about child abuse. Did your father…?"
If Jim had slapped her, he couldn't have had a greater impact. As she closed her eyes and retreated into herself, he could see her struggle to maintain her composure. Shit, what were you thinking? You just had to ask, didn't you…asshole.
Her breathing evened out and slowly her eyes opened, although she still looked like a rabbit, ready to run. Taking a deep breath, she answered. "Not like you are thinking. He would come into the room that I shared with my big sister…he um…well, most of it was…directed at her. But sometimes he…well, he'd threaten to do it to me. One night, he was arguing with my mother and…he came into our room and after…he finished with my sister, he …had a knife and he…acted like he was going to do it to me but…" Tears were rolling down her face, sobs breaking her words, her pain still very fresh. Jim clenched his jaw and gently reached for her hand. "It's okay, Baby…if you don't want to finish, I mean…I think I get the picture."
"No, I want to tell you… about…everything. He used his knife to cut me…trying to scare Mama. But my sister started screaming and jumped on him, knocking him to the floor. He got up and…beat her. Then he left for three days."
"And your Mama let him come back?" Jim asked incredulously.
"Yeah, she um…well, she was afraid of him. Once she tried to run away. We all got beatings for that one…" She was sobbing and Jim pulled her to him, holding her against his chest. "Oh Baby, I'm so sorry…." Holding her, all he wanted to do in life was make things better for her, show her that life could be better…that she deserved love, real love. He wanted to hold her and never let go of her. And for the next few minutes, he did.
She lifted her head and looked at him inquiringly. "What else do you want to know about me?" Jim saw the pain in her eyes caused by years of living with hurt and rejection, fear and loneliness. "I think we've had enough truth for one day…" he said as he bent his head to kiss her. His phone began to ring.
Jim grumbled as he fumbled in his pocket to retrieve it. "Brass," he growled into the hated object.
"Jimmy? Look, I know you wanna keep your distance but I think you should be here…"
"Annie," he said straightening up.
"Yeah Jimmy, it's me. And there's more to Ellie's story. I think you should come…"
Jim grumbled unintelligible sounds. "More to the story…like what? Why can't I just…deal with it from here?"
"She made me promise not to tell ya, Jimmy. I went to see Ellie…and well, you need to be here."
"She asking for me?"
"No. But I think she wants you here. I just think she's afraid…but she needs you, Jimmy…Besides there are some…details she could use help with."
Jim sighed heavily. "Okay, I'll see if I can get time off…I'll let you know when I know…"
Micha had watched him through the whole conversation and was frowning. Jim tossed the phone aside and sighed again. He felt her hand on his cheek. "You need to go…" she told him.
"Yeah, I guess I should." Jim was feeling used already. That's all Ellie ever did, call when she needed help, use him, and then turn her back on him again. He didn't expect this time to be any different.
"Would it be okay, I mean, if …you want someone….I could…."
He looked at her sad but understanding eyes and knew that he wanted her with him, not just on the trip to LA but always. He needed her. He just wasn't sure that he was being fair to her. She needed someone better than him…but she did offer… "Yeah, I'd like that, if you could come with me." She smiled in response. "Then I'll need to pack and make some arrangements of my own."
Jim sat, overwhelmed by how easy she was. No questions, no doubts, nothing…just a simple 'if you need me, I'm here.' He remembered that he had been about to kiss her when the phone rang. He decided it was even more called for now. She responded to him warmly, pouring so many things into their kiss. He could feel her compassion and her concern, as well as her desire. She began to take over, her emotions dominating him as she told him things in the kiss that words would never express. And he surrendered totally, letting her have her say, reveling in her. Oh God, please let this be real…and don't let me screw it up. He needed her, needed to feel like he mattered to someone, needed an outlet for the grief he felt. And she was there…offering to be that person…
GOTTALOVETHATBRASS
Hmmm…so what's Ellie done now? Does she really want Jim to come or is she going to be a brat again? And what happens with Micha? More to come…just use the little button; yes it is down there still. Using the button makes my fingers type faster.
