Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck.


Gamzee sat on his tiny sofa, a soda in one hand and the Rules and Guidelines as of 2013 of the building in the other.
He was going to actually read the rules and guidelines. It would be a long and perilous task but he was determined to complete it. He will read those guidelines, even if it gives him a headache.

He's going to regret that decision in about ten minutes, though. But because he cannot see into the future, he assumed it'd be like reading a magazine.
Gamzee flipped open the first page and began reading and life outside his apartment kept going.

"No, Kk, I'm busy."

"You're not busy, you're just hanging out with your girlfriend. "

"We're eating lunch."

"Yeah, I can hear you guys fucking munching over the phone. Thanks for inviting me to lunch, asshole."

Sollux pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Kk, is there something you want? Cause this is another one of those stupid conversations we have when you're bored or some shit."

Karkat was silent on his end as he reviewed why he called Sollux in the first place.

"Kk?"

"Hang on for a fucking minute, I'm thinking."

"I'm going to hang up now. Please do not call me again because I'm with someone at the moment and I'm not gonna deal with your bullshit."

"Ditching me for your girlfriend. We've been friends for years."

"I met her the same time I met you."

"You met me a few days before because she was absent the first day of third grade! I win."

"Okay, whatever lets you sleep at night. I'm hanging up now."

"Wait, Sollux-" Before Karkat could slip in one last remark, Sollux hung up.

"Asshole." Karkat leaned over the arm of the sofa, his phone dangling from his hand.

He needed someone to harass; someone who'd keep him company for the time being.

Sollux is "busy" and Kankri is at work, disregarding the fact they just fought so even if he wasn't working they still wouldn't be talking to each other for a while, most likely.

There's always Gamzee. He didn't seem like he was too busy earlier. Come to think of it, Karkat questioned whether he ever had anything to do.

Karkat stood up from the sofa. He was going to ask now. If anything, he's probably only throwing more paint everywhere or actually reading the rules and guidelines. He chuckled at that last thought. Like Gamzee would actually read that thing.
He made sure he had his key and his phone before going across the hall and knocking on Gamzee's door.

"Gamzee!"

He heard a thump, like something or someone fell, and then the lock sliding. In the next few seconds, Karkat found himself being stared down on by Gamzee, who looked a little relieved.

"Hey, Karbro." He brushed some hair off his face. "What brings my new motherfuckin' bro here?"

"Did you fall off the couch just then?"

Gamzee smiled widely, emitting a light chuckle. "Yeah."

"Did your face break the fall?"

"Yeah."

Karkat eyed him skeptically. What person falls off a couch and is perfectly okay after landing on their face? He gets that most people shrug it off, but this guy smiles and laughs about it.

Karkat wanted to question whether he was high or drunk but he didn't smell any drugs and that was good enough for him. He settled on Gamzee being really weird.

"You're not busy right?" Even though he didn't even ask if he could come in, he found himself pushing past Gamzee—who let him, into his apartment.

He noted that the paint was dry—which it should have been. The bottles were pushed off in different directions and the mess seemed a bit condensed. It dawned on Karkat that maybe Gamzee didn't mean for those to be decorations. Maybe he was just this messy.

"I'm just getting some reading on."

That was when Karkat saw what Gamzee was reading. It was seated on his sofa like that was its designated seat, like it was a person and it owned that spot. At least, that's how Karkat saw it as he burned holes through it from across the room.

"You're seriously reading that?"

Gamzee nodded. "Kanbro wanted me to get in on the knowledge that it's got up on its pages."

"You do know that you weren't obligated to read that or sign anything, right?"

"But he wanted me to."

"Gamzee, even I didn't read that and I live with Kankri. It's just a whole bunch of fucking shit he's come up with for no reason. It's not like it's an official contract issued by the building owner. You don't have to read it or sign it."

Gamzee bit the inside of his cheek.

"Kanbro said if I don't, there are people I can't hang with."

Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose.

"How is he going to keep you from talking with certain people because you didn't sign some piece of paper? Besides, everyone on that list is a loser or a dumbass or a delightful combination of both."

"Karbro, you're on that list."

He glared at Gamzee for a moment before face palming. It was true, his name was on the list because he did sign; but in his defense he only let Kankri put his name on the list or sign any of those pages because he sure as hell wasn't going to actually read them and because Kankri refused to leave him alone about it. He didn't want to live with someone who refused to sign his precious rules and guidelines. It was his way of assuring himself Karkat wouldn't—couldn't rather—do anything creepy or dangerous to him while he slept, despite Karkat telling him he didn't give a fuck about him.

"Don't remind me. The past me, the one that agreed to him putting my name on that list, is a dumbass. I don't know why I signed it."

Gamzee watched as Karkat suddenly grew angrier. He was glaring at the book and Gamzee could only imagine what he suggested they do next.

"Let's rip it up." When Gamzee heard those words come from Karkat's mouth, he felt like this was a test. Like maybe Kankri sent Karkat to him to see if he would be willing to rip up the rules and guidelines.

What would happen if he failed?

It took a lot of courage for Gamzee to tell Karkat no.

"What? Why not? It doesn't matter; he's got thousands of copies of them."

Karkat moved towards the sofa and Gamzee panicked. He found himself moving away from the door towards the sofa also, towards Karkat actually. Karkat noticed Gamzee moving towards the book too, and he was determined to rip it up; Gamzee wouldn't get in the way of this. The journey to the book seemed to them both like they were running a mile in slow motion only to end up crashing into each on the sofa, the book underneath the two of them.

"Gamzee, give me that book! It needs to fucking die!"

"Karbro, I can't do that!"

Gamzee noticed the corner of the book underneath Karkat and reached for it when Karkat pressed his palm to his face and pushed him away. They continued the altercation for longer than they probably should have. At some point, Gamzee realized Karkat was sitting on his hand which was why he couldn't seem to determine its location amongst his other one and both of Karkat's as they tangled themselves in the fight. Karkat was winning, but only because he had one more hand than Gamzee had available currently pushing at his face. Even then, he was still struggling to keep fighting Gamzee. Gamzee mused that maybe Karkat knew where the book was but lost that train of thought when Karkat started pinching.

"Bro! Quit!" Karkat shook his head furiously in a way that was more comical than threatening. He looked utterly ridiculous and Gamzee wanted to laugh but then Karkat would pinch more and those pinches hurt.

They wrestled for a moment more, during which Karkat finally noticed he was sitting on top of the book and that Gamzee's hand was still firmly gripping it underneath him too. Underneath him.

He felt his throat tighten as he pushed on Gamzee's face even harsher than before. "THIS IS GETTING TOO PHYSICAL! I'M UNCOMFORTABLE! SERIOUSLY, FUCK GAMZEE, THIS IS NOT FUN!"

Finally, Karkat managed to push Gamzee off his own couch by the face.

For the second time that day, Gamzee's face went through an assault; first by the floor then by his own new best friend.

He was heartbroken.

He sat on the floor, looking defeated and sad. Karkat breathed heavily in a triumphant way.

"I'd say sorry, Gamzee, but I'm not. This needs to happen and you know it. Stop fighting it. Now," He grabbed the book and scrutinized it. "how do you suggest we destroy this?"

"Let's read it and then write all over the pages, preferably on the motherfuckin' lines provided, bro."

"Gamzee, I will cut your hair if you don't shut the fuck up. Now make your choice."

Gamzee went over his options. Lose his hair or lose the book. It was one of the other. He loved his hair. It'd been with him since he was born, he couldn't lose it.
But the book was sacred. It was also really long and wordy.
Decisions, decisions.

"Too late!"

Gamzee watched in horror as Karkat ripped the first page out and proceeded to ball it up.

"Karbro, why?!" Gamzee yelled in anguish and Karkat did it again.

"Gamzee, you had a choice: work with me or not. You didn't choose so I went ahead and did it. Feel free to join me though when you come to your senses."

Karkat ripped another page out and Gamzee cringed.

"This feels so motherfuckin' wrong and illicit."

"Fuck- Gamzee, shut up. We're doing this and no one's going to care. Besides, what we're going to do is nowhere near as bad as what other guys have done to Kankri's handouts."

Gamzee sat on the floor, mulling over how he would tell Kankri Karkat ruined the book. Kankri would be furious. He would tell Gamzee he couldn't hang out with him or Karkat or Tavbro or Porrim— whoever that was, or that one guy who had the really long and cool name— whoever he was. What if Kankri tried kicking him out the building? What if he actually succeeded and—

"Gamzee, do you have a blender?"

Gamzee forced himself out of his thoughts to address Karkat.

"No."

"Damn. What do you have?"

"A toaster, a boom box, some bitch tits wicked imported paints— "

"Okay, thanks."

"Oh."

Karkat pulled the book into his arms as he walked into the kitchen and Gamzee followed with his eyes.

"Gamzee, why do you need a toaster with ten slots? When are you ever going to make that much toast at once and why?"

Gamzee smiled despite how upset he still was.

"Toast needs, my bro. We all got 'em."

Karkat shook his head and plugged the appliance into the wall.

"You gonna up and make some toast?"

"Oh yeah. Sure. Of course. But I couldn't find the bread so I'm going to replace it with this page."

Gamzee stared, horrified.

"What jam do you want: grape or apple? Or do you want grilled cheese?"

Slowly, he stood and made his way into the kitchen where Karkat was busy folding a piece of paper in half; three were already lodged into the toaster. He pushed the lever and the paper was pushed down into the toaster as the wires heated up.

"Bro, I really don't think you should motherfucking do this."

"Chill Gamzee, goddamn."

"No; really, you shouldn't up and do this."

"And why the fuck not?"

"Because the paper turns to fire."

And, as if on cue, the smell of smoke wafted up through the slots of the toaster.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!"

Ever the collected person, Karkat unplugged the toaster, waiting for the lever to go back up and for the paper to appear again. When it did, he and Gamzee just stared at the blackened crumpled heaps of what used to be paper for a moment.
Then, like it was the funniest thing in the world, Gamzee started laughing. Karkat merely watched as Gamzee howled. He was a bit irate to be honest seeing as his plan failed and Gamzee was laughing at his expense. It was then that Karkat decided Gamzee had the most vexing laugh of all time. It was this mix of pure… joy and happiness. It was a deep and smooth laugh that made Karkat want to vomit because no one so insane looking should ever have such an attractive laugh. They just didn't go together. His laugh didn't fit the way he looked. His laugh coupled with his appearance was like seeing a narrator's face. Fucking wrong. It was also fucking stupid, Karkat decided since he was still pretty pissed he was being laughed at by Gamzee. Gamzee was laughing at him.

It still pisses him off to think that to this day.

Finally, Gamzee came down from his high, clutching his stomach and wiping away tears, also pushing back a few coughs from too much laughter.

"Bro… heh, why did you up and think putting paper in the motherfuckin' toaster was gonna be okay?"

"I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A POINT, DAMMIT. LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT."

Karkat flipped the toaster over the sink and allowed the paper to fall into the water along with some dishes.

"There." He wasn't too sure what he'd just accomplished besides putting out the threat of the paper burning even more but he felt a little better and that made everything okay again.

"Now what?" Gamzee asked with a smile. He was still pretty upset about the book being ruined but what just occurred cheered him up considerably.

"You're going to join me?"

Gamzee shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess so. I can't leave a bro hanging."

Karkat wanted to smile proudly. It was about time Gamzee came to his senses and joined him in destroying the book.

They spent the next two hours or so thinking up various ways to defile the book and going through with some of the suggestions. When they finally got bored with making a mess, they had over twenty airplanes lying on the floor, three attempts at origami swans, each one uglier than the last, seven crude drawings of Gamzee and Karkat each done by the other, and five— count them— five paper mache things. Gamzee wanted to make a penguin and Karkat wanted to make a sword, however neither of them possessed the skills or knowledge needed to create either of those things so no matter how many times they tried their hands at creating their items they just couldn't get it. That last activity was a mess and Gamzee more than once almost ate the mixture of flour, glue and water.

"We still have a ton of pages left." Gamzee noted as he placed what was left of the book on the sofa.

"Leave them for next time."

Gamzee perked up.
Did that mean Karkat would come over again?

"Sure thing, Karbro!" Gamzee smiled giddily and Karkat nodded absentmindedly. He began brushing off his pants legs and placed the paper mache object in his hand on the sofa.

"Well, goodbye." Karkat stood awkwardly from where he'd been on the floor. "I'm going to call Sollux and see what he hasn't been doing all day because he's been hanging out with his girlfriend. Bastard. Anyway, before I go did you want help with this?"

Gamzee was vaguely aware of Karkat talking about something; he was too busy thinking of how much they were going to have next time. He already had several wicked ideas on how they could even have Tav over too! That'd just be the shit—

"Gamzee!"

He finally was roused of his thoughts when Karkat demanded his attention, looking rather aggravated.

"Huh?"

"Did you want me to like, clean up? Or something? Throw this shit away, I guess?"

"Nah, bro! It can stay."

Gamzee stood in order to see Karkat out the door.

"Fine, let your living room be a huge fire hazard, whatever. See you later."

"Bye."

With that, he walked into the hallway, unlocked the door to his apartment and went inside.

And Gamzee stood in the doorway, not sure what to do. He couldn't exactly read anything now. As if aware he needed something to occupy him, his stomach growled.

"I'll flip my motherfucking munch switch to the 'on' position and grab some grub! "

He grabbed his keys, a few bills and his phone before leaving the apartment. He thought about inviting Karkat and decided he should. He was already bored without someone to hang out with so why not? Plus, maybe Karkat's stomach was growling up a storm over there too; he couldn't let a bro starve.

"Motherfucking best buddy!" Gamzee called as he pounded on the door with an ecstatic force.

"What the fuck, Gamzee?" Karkat opened the door swiftly and Gamzee was glad he didn't accidentally hit Karkat in the face. That'd be a storm.

"You wanna get some wicked eating going up and on?"

"What? Are you asking me if I'm hungry?"

"Yeah, bro."

"Why can't you just ask like a fucking normal non clown person does?"

Karkat proceeded to go on about how easy it is to just ask 'want to grab some lunch' and how maybe Gamzee was dropped on his head once and some other complicated stuff before Gamzee held up some money and said, "It's on me, motherfucker."

Karkat was silent before he begrudgingly muttered, "Yeah, let me get my phone." looking a little pissed off once again that Gamzee won.

Gamzee just smiled.