I realized I'd made a mistake in the last chapter, the twins are two, not three :) I intend to write a ficlet describing what, and how, exactly, Antonin Dolohov died. Mostly for my friends Blev and Kati, and not really plot-important here, but it will be referenced. Anyway, enough of this babbling!
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You made me smile today
You spoke with many voices
We travelled miles today
Shared expressions voiceless
It has to end
Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you
~ Sia
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He had been in rather good spirits for the rest of the evening, at least in relative terms. He wasn't quite as stinging as he usually was with his fellows at the Ministry, and even refrained from insulting Bill Weasley more than twice, which left the younger man rather gob smacked. Severus Snape had simply swept into work, signed what papers needed signing, dropped by Rabastan's cell to let him know that his wife, children and nephew were still residing well with Miss Weasley, and then returned to his townhouse.
It was when he returned to those rooms, to the dark house he'd filled with books of dark magicks and dark objects, that the doubts finally had the power to surge through him full-force, leaving him staggering in his cold front parlor.
What in the hell DID he think he was doing?
Severus growled at his own inner voices, but they were old friends and thus, persistent. As he sank into the armchair by his fireplace, the barrage continued. She was too young. She was much, much too young.
But even as the thought passed through his mind, he knew that it was a weak excuse. Luna had turned twenty that summer, true, but he'd known for a long time that her spirit was far older, had known that since the moment she first took a seat in his classroom, nine years earlier. All he was doing by acknowledging her age was picking the most obvious, and least relevant of their differences.
She had children. Appealing, thankfully non-meddling children, but children nonetheless. Severus groaned, covering his face with his hands. Luna was divine and all good things that he was not, and he was quite sure that he would happily die to see that no harm ever came to her again. But where could anything further possibly go? Her children would grow to loathe the great bat, as all children inevitably did. And it would only be a matter of time before Severus' more obsessive tendencies toward affection manifested themselves, and then he would no doubt drive her away.
As he had done to Lily, his oldest and perhaps only friend…
No, this could not continue, that was certain, or so he told himself as he stared miserably into the cold fireplace. He may have adored her beyond all logical reason, may have wanted to keep her under his protective watch for all the rest of his miserable days, but she could not be his. Severus would not allow her to be, would not allow himself to hold her in his arms again. He would only corrupt her, as he did all things pure, or he would drive her away with his insufferable ways.
A smaller, softer voice gently reminded him that she'd never had a problem with his more exasperating traits before. He would not let himself listen to that voice, of course. Or if he did, he silenced it with the fact that Luna simply hadn't had time to realize what a monster he could truly be.
Severus was quite sure that he loved Luna, and as such, he would stay away.
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The following day found Luna at home, this time with a menagerie of visitors from The Burrow. As she and Ginny worked to set up wards around Luna's house, Orla sat on a blanket on the grass, big and pregnant, watching Claudette while the toddlers ran rampant all over the lawn. Orla's brother Quentin kept an eye on them, making sure they didn't wander into the woods or near the riverbanks. They made quite an idyllic picture, the lot of them. Oubliette, as the eldest, was leading Rodrigue, Rodmilla, and her cousin Arcturus in a rather wobbly game of duck-duck-goose, and got very exasperated when the two-year olds couldn't quite manage to remember the rules.
"They're so adorable," Ginny sighed, grinning as she watched Luna cast the warding spell she'd taught her. "You'd…well, you'd never guess, would you?"
"That one or both of their parents were Death Eaters?" Luna smiled also, pleased with her work, "No, you wouldn't." She was thinking especially of Arcturus, Bellatrix's son. He was a quiet little boy, but other than that, she couldn't possibly imagine a sweeter, more normal child, save perhaps her own son. But then, she was biased.
"I've been thinking," Ginny said slowly, moving on to the next corner of Luna's property. "I mean, there are a lot of kids out there now without parents, yeah?" Luna nodded, interested, and her best friend went on, "Well, I'm supposed to be this great war hero now, and everyone's expecting me to do all this important stuff, but that's not me, I'm not even all that sure I want to be up in front of people, like Bill. And I don't think I'll ever want kids of my own, I can't even fathom being with any bloke, not any more, I can see the path of my life and I just don't see it going there again, not after Harry, and what Tom did to…" She caught herself rambling, and shook her head. Luna didn't mind of course, they were used to each others' quirks, "What I'm saying is, I think I'd like to open up a home. A nice one, nothing mangy like those horror stories you used to hear about foster homes. I mean a real proper home, for kids who don't have parents, and maybe also the girls who were forced to…you know. What do you think?"
Luna smiled, repeating the spell again, not speaking until she was done. There was a time, six months ago, when Ginny hadn't been able to speak to her at all, and Luna herself hadn't really known what to say. Now they were helping each other out, and it was wonderful. "I think it is a grand idea," Luna said with enthusiasm, "We want these children to grow up loved, otherwise…well, otherwise, we are just the people who killed their parents, aren't we?" She sighed, looking up at her house, "And the girls…well," She swallowed, thinking of Media. Her old dorm mate, the only one of them who'd been kind to her in school, had been married off to Luna's father in law…who raped and murdered her. "I think I'd want to help you, if you like."
"I'd love that," Ginny smiled at her friend, a real, genuine smile, and Luna smiled back. Behind them, the children were giggling and laughing.
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"Oooh," Orla called out, pointing, "I think we've got company!"
Ginny and Luna looked the way she pointed, down the road that led to The Burrow. A small group was walking towards them, and Luna recognized them right away. One was Hestia Jones, her son Charlie strapped to her back. At her side was her daughter Megan and a little bit behind them walked another girl, a little taller than Megan but just as brilliantly red-headed, willowy and carrying another small boy. It took Luna a moment before she recognized the girl as Bianca Dunstan…the last young wife of Antonin Dolohov, before he was captured. She was younger even than Orla…
"We thought you'd be here!" Hestia called out, waving. "We dropped by The Burrow first, but nobody was home. You could've left a note, Miss Chosen One."
"I wouldn't be me if I wasn't horrendously reckless!" Ginny beamed in reply, hugging Megan when she came close. Bianca hung back from the rest, though the little boy in her arms squirmed to be let down.
"Hullo, Bianca," Luna said softly, and the girl started slightly, looking at Luna with large eyes for a moment, before blinking.
"Oh, hullo Luna," She said softly, letting her burden down at last. The little red-headed boy hovered near her legs, looking up at the other adults shyly. He looked about Oubliette's age. "This is Andrei. He is my stepson now. Is he not a darling thing? He's my boy-doll!" Bianca said driftily, not unlike the manner in which Luna spoke as a young girl, but this tone held the undercurrent of true mental damage. Luna felt her heart break for the girl. "I'll take him to meet the others!" She took Andrei's hand and led him over to where the children were playing, while Luna and Ginny both looked at Hestia at the same time, their eyes full of questions.
"We don't think she'll ever recover," Hestia said softly, reaching up to take off Charlie's carrier, so she could let him play as well, "At least not fully. Antonin did a number on her, mentally and physically. We're just happy she's as stable as she is."
"It's my fault," Megan whispered, watching Charlie run off to play with the rest of the brood.
"Don't say that," Ginny said sharply, before Hestia had a chance to. Megan shook her head.
"Okay so, I didn't do anything." She amended, crossing her arms, "But I'm still the reason he got all obsessed with redheads, right? He kept marrying and murdering replacements, all because he couldn't find me!"
"Not. Your. Fault." Hestia said plainly, pulling her daughter along with her as she made her way to where Orla sat on the grass. "You didn't make him a sadistic bastard, he always was one."
"And now he's dead." Ginny said flatly, sitting down cross-legged on the edge of the blanket, "So we don't need to worry anymore."
"Who's dead?" Orla asked, looking up, "Well, other than…lots of people?"
"Antonin Dolohov," Luna murmured. Orla swallowed, her eyes on the grinning, red-headed boy who was tumbling about on the grass, while his young stepmother giggled like a little girl.
"Ah," She whispered.
"So," Hestia said briskly, scooting over to Orla's side, "How's the expectant mother today, eh?" She proceeded to take out her wand and check Orla's vitals, asking her questions, while Luna and Ginny looked back toward Megan.
"Who's Bianca staying with?" Ginny asked.
"Us, for now," Megan replied, laughing a little bit, "Ironic, isn't it? But it's weird. Even with him gone, it's like I want to protect her from him. Both of them," She swallowed, "Merlin, I mean, can you imagine how he might have raised that kid?" She shuddered.
"How's Zach?" Luna asked, softly. Megan shut her eyes for a minute.
"He won't talk to me," She replied, "He won't tell me what happened…and sometimes I want to know, so . But most of the time I don't."
They didn't say anything at that, Luna just put an arm around the other girl and they watched the little children playing for a while. Oubby was bossing Arcturus and Rodrigue around, but they didn't seem to mind. The former was used to such things when it came to his cousin, and the latter simply thought the sun rose and set with the little girl. Charlie, meanwhile, was teaching Rodmilla how to hunt for toads in the tall grass. As for Andrei, he eventually left his stepmother watching clouds on her back, toddling over to where Claudette lay in her bunting, studying the infant intently. "Baby," He proclaimed solemnly.
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Luna did not hear from Severus for a week, though in the past month, that had not been unusual. He'd been extremely busy at the ministry, while she had been busy rebuilding her home, but she had thought, now that everything had calmed down somewhat and especially after their rather heated tryst, she would hear more from him. But a week passed, and not a word. Luna rationalized that things were still hectic at the ministry, but even so, it was not like him to not send her a note, asking after her well-being.
During that week, she helped Ginny hunt down a suitable building for her proposed family shelter in the mostly deserted streets of London. They found a large old stone affair in what had once been a very posh muggle neighborhood, not too far from the settled areas in and around Diagon Alley. With a little help from her brother, Ginny soon found herself the owner of the place, and right away she and Luna began cleaning it up, warding it, and getting it ready for multiple residents, most with small children. It would take some time, but before the week was over and another had begun, Ginny had more people interested than she had room for, and she had to claim the empty house next door as well.
Halfway through that second week, Luna sent Severus a letter. It was a simple note, asking after his well-being, work, and when she might see him again. By the end of the week, she'd heard nothing back, and was contemplating a visit to his ministry offices, when Orla went into labor.
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"He's beautiful," Were the first words out of Orla's mouth, when her son was placed in her arms. Antoine Lestrange had ceased his squalling, and now snuggled against his mother, seeking warmth and dinner. Orla giggled, even in her exhausted and rumpled state. She looked up at Hestia, her midwife, hopefully, "When can we see Bast?"
"Not until you're a bit better," Hestia laughed, "You gave birth ten minutes ago!"
"He only has a week…" Orla murmured, looking down at her newborn son. Beside her, Luna took her friend's hand, giving it a squeeze.
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Mostly due to the fact that the young mother wouldn't give them any peace, Hestia and Luna brought Orla to the ministry the very next day. The older woman had healed Orla as best she could in so short a time, but still insisted on a wheelchair for much of the journey. Orla didn't mind at all, in fact she wanted to stay as close to the ministry holding cells as possible for Rabastan's last week, before he was shut away in Azkaban for ten years. She wanted him to have as many memories as possible of his new son.
Luna held Oubliette's hand for most of the trip through the levels of the Ministry For Magic, until they reached the holding cell where Rabastan was living, not far from the court room. Then she kept back, watching as a guard led Hestia, Orla, Antoine and Oubliette inside. She stayed long enough to see the bright look that came over Rabastan's haggard face at the sight of his family, before the door closed on them. Luna knew they'd be in there for some time, and so she made her way back to the lifts. She had a visit of her own to make.
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Severus was holed away in his dark office, reviewing the details of the latest census. His office was a mirror of his house, his old classroom, his teacher's quarters…wherever he spent most of his time, the place took on the dark features of its master. Old books and dim lighting and at least the basic potions at his ready disposal. It was not unlike how he was with people, or so he thought. Sooner or later, if they spent too much time in his presence, they either became like him or were repelled entirely.
On his desk was the note Luna had sent to him, held flat by an empty bottle of wine, one he'd drained not too long after reading her delicate, even script. Severus hadn't factored that in to the equation, when he'd resolved to keep his distance, that she would seek him out. It was such a foreign thought, a beautiful young thing actively seeking him out. It had taken him by surprise, and he wondered how her could have been so foolish as to think this would be easy. Indeed, even as he thought this, she was blindsiding him again.
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He was standing in front of his desk, leaning on his hands against the rough wood, when there was a light rapping on his door. "Enter," He said dully, fully expecting some young aide of Bill Weasley's, come to gather some parchment or another. Instead, Severus turned to see the object of his torment slipping through the door, all white and lightness where the room was black. She had a small smile on her face, and he felt his throat go dry.
"You are not an easy man to track down," She hummed, gliding toward his desk. Severus froze, standing straight and trying his hardest to exert some amount of control over his thoughts. As usual, her presence made it extremely difficult, and he still did not know why.
"The ministry offices do tend to be a bit of a labyrinth," He said coolly, and for a moment, confusion crossed Luna's face as she took in his tone. Severus cleared his throat, "I heard news of young Mrs. Lestrange. No doubt you are here with her?"
"Yes," Luna said slowly, her eyes searching his face. "They are having their family hours, so I sought you out." Taking in his expressionless state, a frown creased her forehead, "I've neither seen nor heard from you in two weeks, Severus…" She crossed her arms, her stance firm though her eyes had softened, vulnerable and curious. An ache started to form in Severus' chest at that look, one that threatened to break his façade. He contemplated some half-hearted excuse for a few moments, before tossing that train of thought aside. She always saw through his excuses, and he did not wish to lie to her. Not to Luna.
"I thought it best," Severus turned away from her, once again resting his hands on his desk, his fingers brushing her letter, "To put some distance between the two of us."
"Oh you did, then?" Luna tilted her head to the side, more amused and still rather lost, as opposed to annoyed, "I do understand that perhaps…perhaps I moved things along a bit too quickly," She blushed, Severus could hear it in her voice, and he winced at how badly he wanted to turn and see that appealing color stain her cheeks, "But did it not cross your mind that perhaps I might wish to have a say in such matters? You could have spoken to me, not…"
"You are not seeing me clearly enough!" Severus cut her off, all but shouting at the wall behind his desk. Behind him, Luna was suddenly very still, her eyes wide. After a moment, she took two steps forward and rested a hand on his shoulder, biting her lip when he flinched.
"I mean that I cannot pursue this." He said after another long moment, his voice a perfectly calm, cool sound. "Though my regard for you is no small thing, we are most clearly not compatible." Luna recoiled, pulling her hand away as if his shoulder had burnt her. Severus knew it was not so much the words he was saying, it was his tone. She could discount his words easily enough, but he'd never spoken to her this way before. He could have been reading a bank statement for all the passion his words held. "I shall continue to keep careful watch after your family's well-being, as that regard is so persistent, but from now on it must be from afar, Mrs. Nott."
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Luna winced, her eyes downcast. For a moment, one long, dreadful moment he'd almost convinced her that this was that easy for him. But then she glanced upwards, at the man in front of her, his back towards her, and she shook her head. "Look at me."
Her dreamy voice had cracked. Against his better judgment, instead acting on some primal instinct that wanted to prevent anything from harming her, from causing her to weep, Severus spun around to face her. Luna's eyes were swimming and her face was set with such a look of hurt, he could have hexed himself. His façade broke down completely. "Luna, I…"
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" She begged of him, resting her hands on his chest. Severus tried to back away from her, only to be trapped in place by his desk. "To me? And how in this or any universe are we incompatible?"
"I would destroy you," He found himself whispering, his face somber and unguarded under her pleading gaze, "All that I adore in you would be slowly blackened, in my presence." He swallowed, shutting his eyes against the tenderness he saw bleeding from hers, "I would hold you jealously to me, you would recoil, and eventually flee, your heart grown bitter to me. That is the way of things."
"You know me better than that," Luna whispered in reply, but Severus only shook his head.
"Give me time," He joked, bitterly and without humor, "I destroy even the longest and most faithful companionships, given enough time."
"So is that it?" She glared, her voice suddenly sharp. Severus was taken aback, his dark eyes widening in surprise. Certainly, she had always been resilient, but scolding? He'd never known her to be that at all. "The man who told me to be strong, who inspired me to not let grief or darkness take me under, is now dooming himself to loneliness before I've even had the chance to love him properly?" He was still shocked silent, both at her sudden uncharacteristic show of anger and now at her choice of words, and so she went on, "Yes you can be cold, and distant, and gloomy as all hell. But you are also thoughtful, attentive, passionate," She swallowed, her anger fading as quickly as it had sparked, "A wee bit maddening too, which is always a wonderful trait in a man…"
"I am cruel!" Severus finally found the will to shout, more at the quiet voice in his head than at Luna, the voice that urged him toward her, that loved her all the more for seeing such things in himself. "Is that really the sort of man you want near your children? Oh they are indifferent babes now, but when they are older, will they not despise the great old bat skulking after their mother, as schoolchildren despised him for years?"
"Yes, you've always been a bat," Luna shot back evenly, even as some ridiculous part of her thrilled at the implications of his words. That if he was granted her, he'd keep her for years. "I'd be pleased for them to have such a strong-willed soul in their midst. One who would protect them, even if he was not of a parental disposition." He meant to protest again, but the gentle pressure of her hands on his chest silenced him, "Yes you are often harsh, and have done the dark deeds required of you, but for the last twenty years, were they not for the cause of good?" She pleaded, and he was under her spell utterly, "When have you ever been willfully cruel?"
He did not even realize that she'd gently pulled the words from his mouth, not until just after they'd fallen, "The last time I loved another."
Luna's eyes widened, and Severus felt he could willingly drown in their pale depths. She was shocked, he could see, but she did not move away. If anything, she inched even closer to him, the hem of her robe brushing against his shoes. "Tell me," She whispered, and under her spell as he was, Severus could not refuse.
"She was my dearest and only companion, as a child," He murmured, shutting his eyes. We chose…different paths. She married another. I went along a dark, and purist way. The wrong way," Severus swallowed, "The Dark Lord meant to kill her family. I begged that she be spared. I cared not for her child, or her husband. When he would make no such promise I…" Here he paused, knowing that Luna would put the pieces together, yet unable to stop himself from telling her, "I went to Dumbledore. I begged him to protect her. He scolded me for my cruelty," One corner of his lip turned upwards, remembering the obsessive pleading of his younger self, "And so I asked for all three of their lives. He protected them." Severus opened his eyes, looking down at Luna, whose lips had parted, her expression pained. "Until he could no longer. The girl I loved…died for her son. A son I, in turn, protected for as long as I could. A son who died in battle, three years ago."
"Harry…" Luna whispered, and Severus nodded. "Harry's mother, Lily…" She bit her lip, and Severus looked down, away from her, away from the hands that once more pressed against his chest.
"So you see, Luna Lovegood," He murmured, "For as much as I care for you, I would not see you so ruined…"
"Rubbish," She gasped, and his gaze flew back to her face. Her eyes were full of tears, but she was looking at him, steadily, "I don't know what sort of man you were then. But you said it yourself: You went the wrong way." Luna moved her hands from his chest to either side of his face, brushing back his hair as she did. He in turn looked on her with shock, "But you came back. Because you loved her, you came back. You protected Harry, and even after he was gone, you, you took care of us," The tears were spilling over now, and Severus still stood, transfixed, "Perhaps you will always be of a dark spirit, but nothing in you is cruel. If that were true, you wouldn't have protected the survivors of the war. You wouldn't have fought on our side. You," She swallowed her tears, laughing now, "You wouldn't have picked me up and carried me out of the cold on Christmas Eve."
"Luna," He began in a whisper, his voice brimming with apology, but she kept right on going.
"No, I don't want to hear another word out of you on the subject," She whispered back, standing on her toes, still holding his face in her slim hands, "I love you, whether you like it or not, and I'm not going to let the man who loves me back keep himself from me."
His arguments died on his lips then, suddenly unable to fathom why he thought he could keep himself from her. Severus did the only thing that seemed proper then, bending down to meet her waiting mouth with his own, sliding his arms around her and kissing her with all the passion he'd been holding at bay, pulling her off of her feet. His hands tangled in her hair, her hands clutched his robes, and it was some time before either saw fit to come up for air.
"Say you trust me," She asked, breathlessly, her breath mingling with his. Severus nodded slowly, reaching up to brush her long pale hair back from her face with long, clever fingers.
"I shall attempt to keep my self-loathing at bay," He replied, with a rather wry smirk, "Though I am now not quite sure why I thought my venture to stay away from you would be any sort of success…"
"You were the one who told me, once," Luna reminded him, looking down, playing with the many black buttons of his jacket, trying her best to imitate his dour tone, "That you 'pitied the poor fool who could ever manage to keep himself apart from me'." She grinned up at him, "That was you, wasn't it?"
Severus scowled. "I do not sound like that." He paused, and then a sigh, "Yes. That was me."
"I thought so," Luna leaned upwards, catching his lips again. Severus knew that soon he would make some comment about the utter gracelessness of snogging in a public building, and later she would have to leave with her party, and soon this moment must end, to be picked up at a later date. But for a few long minutes, he let himself get lost in the prolonged moment, the prolonged ecstasy of being under her spell. This lovely, infuriating slip of a young woman who loved him for the bitter old bat that he was.
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Author's Notes: :D More to come! I shall put a link to the soundtrack in my profile, for those who like such things! I cannot write without the proper music, it feeds the muse.
