The paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predator of pain inside her

-Indigo Girls

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Part 11: Solace

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Chikaru got up from her desk to answer the knock at her door, wondering if Kizuna and Remon had decided to take her up on her offer to help with their homework after all. To her surprise, though, it was Tamao she found standing in the hallway. "Good evening, Tamao-chan. Please come in."

"Thank you, Chikaru-sama," Tamao smiled somewhat wearily. "Nagisa-chan is having a chat with Shizuma-sama, so I thought I'd give her some space, and... I've been meaning to talk with you for a while now."

"Of course. Shall I make tea?"

"That would be lovely, thank you."

A few minutes later, the two girls knelt opposite one another at Chikaru's small tea table as she poured for both of them. "So what brings you here this evening? Hazuki-chan won't be here until much later -- she's with the kendo team at a tournament."

"I know. This is something I wanted to talk to you about specifically," Tamao replied, taking a sip of the tea to brace herself for the admission to come. "I've been meaning to bring this up for a few days now, but I never had the nerve."

"Do tell," Chikaru nodded, giving the younger girl a reassuring smile.

Tamao took a long, slow breath. "Last week, I had a very... vivid dream."

"Hmm, go on," Chikaru nodded, smiling more to herself now. She didn't need to think too hard on which day this would have been.

In spite of a quickly deepening blush, Tamao went on. "It was about you and Hazuki-chan. You were kneeling in front of one another, holding hands, and you were... you were... well, you weren't... wearing any clothes, and... even though I was watching you, it's like I wasn't really there."

Chikaru arched an eyebrow at this, remembering the event itself. While the nudity and the actual holding of hands were not quite accurate, she found it very interesting that Tamao had pictured the position the two of them had been in during the meditation.

"Then you leaned in toward one another and... started kissing, and..." tears began to well up in Tamao's eyes, so Chikaru put down her tea and hurried around to the other side of the table to hold her suddenly shaking hand.

"It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen," Tamao choked. "It was like you were both shining brighter than the sun, and even just watching you was enough to make me... to make my body..."

"I understand," Chikaru assured her, patting her hand. "I'm so sorry, Tamao-chan."

"Then afterward, I felt so... devastated. Like I was once again on the outside looking in on something wonderful that I could never be a part of. That I could never share what the two of you have, even though I know it's not like that between you. I don't know how else to describe it, Chikaru, I..."

Chikaru put her arms around Tamao as the younger girl began to weep profusely. "It was just a dream, Tamao-chan," she soothed, even though she had a feeling there was far more to it than that alone. She wondered if Tamao had any idea how often Chikaru had pondered how long it would be until she herself were the one on the outside looking in.

Once again, she found herself reminded that irony was alive and well on Astraea Hill.


The bus ride back from the tournament was far livelier than usual, the normally reserved members of the kendo team unable to fully contain their excitement at their almost unprecedented success.

Even Tsubomi herself reflected that this was the most she had smiled in ages, the recent memory of her own personal victory constantly forcing itself to the forefront of her consciousness. It was a new position for her to be in, that of the victor attempting to be appropriately humble, but it was one that she would certainly be happy to get used to.

Yaya, seated at the window seat next to her, seemed determined to keep prodding her excitement along, though, as she recounted several of Tsubomi's final matches, waving her arms in approximation of the younger girl's moves. "And then the way you came up with that swipe from the left while her guard was down? That was a thing of beauty! I swear, she never saw it coming!"

"It was a lucky shot," Tsubomi said modestly, even though she knew there was far more to it than that. She might never have known to take that shot without help, after all.

"You don't win your entire division with lucky shots, Tsubomi-chan," Yaya grinned, poking her in the ribs. "You were a monster today. I knew you had it in you!"

"Hey, you didn't do so badly yourself," Tsubomi insisted. Yaya would be the first to admit that she was a fair-to-middling kendouka at best, but even she had advanced three rounds in her own division, which was two more than she ever had before.

"Something in the air," Yaya shrugged. "It was St. Spica's day for sure."

"Something in the air," Tsubomi repeated, nodding slowly. It certainly felt that way: after the initial shock of the first round, the entire team had fought with confidence today. Tsubomi herself, while on one level feeling hopelessly outmatched in her final rounds, had been inspired as never before.

The source of that inspiration, as it happened, was currently sitting across the aisle from them, leaning back in her seat with eyes closed, listening to an mp3 player via earbuds. Hazuki had been there between each and every one of Tsubomi's matches, giving her incredibly accurate insight into her next opponent's strengths and weaknesses. Even as much as she'd felt on fire today, Tsubomi knew that she would probably have never gotten out of the second or third round without those critical pieces of advice from her older schoolmate.

Nor had Hazuki's advice been limited to her alone, as throughout the tournament several of them had briefly conferred with her prior to their matches. In fact, it was getting to the point that more of them were looking to Hazuki than the sensei, a detail which was no doubt going to make Hazuki's life interesting if it kept up at this rate.

All of which made that gut-punch in first round of the senior division that much more puzzling. Hazuki had given so many of them the answers, and had watched every match, pacing the gymnasium like a caged tiger while her eyes took in every detail of every fighter.

How in the world could she have been eliminated so quickly?

None of the expected reasons seemed to apply. Hazuki had not panicked against a live opponent; rather, she had appeared controlled and even dispassionate during her match. It did not appear to be a classic case of being a teacher and not a "do-er," because she had looked completely in her element the entire time. And yet, while even Tsubomi had seen several places where Hazuki could have scored easy points, she had not, for whatever reason, pressed her advantage against her clearly outclassed opponent. When the match had ended in a scoreless tie, the judges had given the nod to the other girl (as she had at least spent the majority of the time on the offensive), after which Hazuki did nothing more than bow graciously, give her opponent a smile, and leave the floor.

Afterward, in plain sight of the rest of the team, the sensei had quite vocally ripped Hazuki a new one, but none of this stopped the quiet fifth-year from being an active participant in the rest of the tournament. In spite of Hazuki not contributing a single point to their team score, Tsubomi had to wonder how well Spica would have fared without her.

Seemingly thinking along the same lines, Yaya leaned in and gave Tsubomi a mischievous smile. "It's also nice to have a real sensei for a change, isn't it?" she whispered.

Tsubomi nodded slowly, toying with the first-place medal that hung around her neck. She only hoped that the day's success was a harbinger of good things to come.


"Chikaru-sama, do you ever get tired of girls crying all over you?"

"Not when they're my friends," Chikaru said with a chuckle, planting a small kiss atop Tamao's head.

The Miator fifth-year gave the older girl a damp smile. "But everyone's your friend."

"Mmm, you'd be surprised, I think. But you, darling Tamao, are very dear to me indeed, so my shoulder is yours."

Tamao shifted comfortably against Chikaru, enjoying the affection in spite of herself. Only Chikaru would have listened to such an admission and within minutes had the both of them lying in bed, propped up by pillows, with Tamao held snugly in her arms. For someone who professed no attraction to women, she certainly seemed fearless about physical contact. ("And anyway," Chikaru had said, "I don't have a psychiatrist's couch, so this will have to do.")

"Feeling better?" Chikaru asked after a while.

"I think so," Tamao mumbled into that shoulder. "Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Of course."

At the risk of sounding like she was digging for praise, Tamao pressed on. "Why exactly am I dear to you, anyway?"

"What a ridiculous question," Chikaru smiled. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"I'm... I'm not part of your school, I'm not in any of your clubs, and now I'm... maybe trying to get in your way."

"Well, let's put a stop to that last thought right away, Tamao-chan. I know you have recent practice at being involved in a difficult love triangle, but that's not what this is."

When Tamao did not answer, Chikaru continued. "As for why you're dear to me? I suppose I could take the easy way out and say that Hazuki-chan is very fond of you, and thus by some form of commutative affection, I am as well, but that's far from the only reason."

Tamao could not help but giggle at the way Chikaru couched it like mathematics. "That's actually how Shizuma-sama and I first became close. We had Nagisa-chan in common."

"Yes, but now she loves you for your own sake, not just as Nagisa's roommate. Just like you're far more to me than just Hazuki-chan's friend. You're a brilliant student, a gifted writer, and an admirable young woman who would have made a damned fine Etoile. Wise beyond your years, incredibly loyal, and willing to put the happiness of others above your own. A touch obsessive, but I'm hardly one to cast stones at you for that." On the last word, she gently tweaked Tamao's nose.

"You're too nice," Tamao blushed. "I don't deserve all that."

"Nonsense. You deserve more. And if your goal is to try to find more with Hazuki-chan, you'll have my blessing."

Letting out a slow sigh, Tamao returned to the root issue. "But how could I ever have what you and she have?"

Chikaru let out a low growl of what Tamao hoped was amused frustration, then adjusted herself so she could meet the other girl's eyes. "Tamao-chan, I'm only going to go through this once, so pay close attention. You keep saying that you and she could never have what she and I have. Let me be clear when I tell you that this is completely, fully, one hundred percent true."

Even as Tamao's heart sank with these words, Chikaru went on. "What Hazuki-chan and I have is incredibly rare, even to the point of being unique. In a very real sense, it took divine intervention for us to meet, and to become what we are. We have things in common that I simply can't explain, but the short form is that we're literally soul-sisters. So no, you and she simply cannot have the same relationship that she and I have."

Here, Chikaru cupped Tamao's face with one warm hand. "Now, level with me, Tamao-chan. Is this real? Do you think you might be falling for her?"

Confronted with those eyes, at first Tamao could only nod. After a pause, she licked her lips and spoke. "Yes. I think I might be."

"Then it's okay, Tamao-chan. You may think that what you saw in your dream was the most beautiful thing ever, but you can have something beautiful too, whatever it turns out to be."


Nagisa smiled at the laptop screen, wondering if the webcam was picking up the extent of her blush. "You say the sweetest things, Shizuma."

"Deservedly so," Shizuma's image winked from the display. "So tell me, sweetheart, what are your plans for the weekend?"

"Oh, same old boring Shizuma-less life on Astraea Hill," Nagisa sighed melodramatically. "Tamao-chan is trying to convince me to go to some sort of t'ai chi lesson Hazuki-chan will be teaching tomorrow morning."

"Is that so? Hmm, I think you should go: I have a feeling you'll enjoy it. In its own way, it's a lot like dancing."

"Really?" Nagisa asked, surprised at her girlfriend's words. "I'm no athlete, though. Do you think I could keep up?"

"I think you're wonderfully fit, thank you," Shizuma winked again. "And besides, a little extra flexibility can only be a good thing, not to mention stamina, right?"

"Hmm, I suppose you're right," Nagisa smiled, but it deepened into a grin as she had a wicked thought. "Oh! And earlier this week we had a self-defense class, so watch out! The next time you come at me, I might end up pinning you down!"

Shizuma's eyes went wide. "Promise?"


Feeling utterly defeated by their science homework, Kizuna and Remon marched down the first-floor hallway to Chikaru's room, hoping to enlist their president's aid before lights-out.

"Do you really think we should bother her?" Remon hissed. "We have all weekend. What if she's with Hazuki-senpai?"

"You forget," Kizuna said, waggling one finger at her roommate, "that Hazuki-senpai is away with the kendo team today."

"Can you call it forgetting if I never knew it in the first place?"

"And anyway, she offered to help, remember?" She stopped short at their destination, knocked twice, and then without waiting for an answer opened the unlocked door. "Oh, Chikaru-onee-samaaaAAAA!"

Remon piled in behind her, wondering what could have caused Kizuna's greeting to turn into that cry of shock. Her jaw dropped as she looked over her friend's shoulder to see Chikaru cuddled in bed with... Tamao?!

Coming to her senses first, Remon grabbed Kizuna's shoulder and pulled her back outside. "Don't mind us; we were just leaving!" she smiled at the room's two occupants, then fumbled for the knob and pulled the door closed. For a while, the two stood there staring fixedly at the opposite wall, neither willing to break the silence.

"Um," Kizuna said at last.

"I'm sure it was nothing," Remon nodded, quickly deciding that denial was the best course of action.

"Well, they did still have their clothes on, I guess."

"Right, right. Just a warm, friendly hug."

"In bed."

Remon gave Kizuna a sideways glare. "We have those."

"Yeah, but they're not always friendly..." Kizuna smirked.


"Do you think they'll say anything?" Tamao asked, looking mortified by the intrusion.

"No, they're good at keeping secrets," Chikaru giggled. "Well, some of them, anyway. They keep mine, and I keep theirs."

"Are you going to tell them that nothing's actually happening between us?"

"Mmm, maybe," Chikaru winked. "We can let them wonder a little bit first."

Smiling, but still looking embarrassed, Tamao laid her head back on Chikaru's shoulder. "Oh, well. It's not like it would be a bad thing."

"Hmm?"

Tamao hesitated a moment before she elaborated. "To have the rumor mill match me with you. That's a rumor I could live with."

"My dear Tamao-chan, are you flirting with me?" Chikaru laughed.

The younger girl flushed for a moment, and Chikaru wondered if she felt caught in the act. "No, of course not, but... you must have some idea of how many girls have had crushes on you over the years. I doubt I'm the only one who ever saw you in a dream. I think that's why it's so hard to believe there's nothing romantic going on with you and Hazuki-chan."

"What part of Not Attracted To Girls is confusing to you?" Chikaru teased. "Or is it the entire concept?"

"No, seriously, I think you might be the most admired girl in the school, and you don't even ride horses or wear an Etoile necklace. You should have the best of everything."

"I'm flattered, Tamao-chan, but so should you. You deserve to be loved, and to have the chance to share that incredible heart of yours with someone who'll cherish it as the gift it is."

"You deserve that too," Tamao whispered, "and... forgive me, Chikaru, but I can't understand why you don't have those things."

"Plenty of time for that later," Chikaru said, waving it off with as much nonchalance as she could manage.

"Will there be?" Tamao asked, her voice still barely a whisper. "When does Chikaru-sama get to be loved?"

"Why do you ask that, Tamao-chan?" Chikaru said quietly, suddenly wondering how much the girl actually knew.

Tamao did not reply, and for a moment, Chikaru found herself instinctively reaching out with her Souma, as she would with Hazuki, to try to read the other girl's mood. Unfortunately, she could all but feel her energy bounce back, as though striking a wall. Closing her eyes and slipping quickly into a semi-meditative state, Chikaru tried again, hoping for the impossible: that her energy would be allowed ingress, and would find an echo of itself within Tamao's shell. The dream described earlier had actually given Chikaru a flicker of hope that maybe, somehow, Tamao might have a touch of her own Souma that was reacting to theirs in some way.

However, her energy stayed firmly on her side of the "fence." Tamao was as human as anyone else, and as unsurprising as this was, Chikaru was still disappointed, for all of their sakes. The growing relationship between the three of them was complicated enough as it was without taking their respective mortality into account.

"Tell me more about Hazuki-chan," Tamao said, her voice suddenly sleepy.

"What would you like to know?"

"Well... she's different, isn't she?"

Chikaru arched her eyebrows. Souma or not, Tamao had always been perceptive, and she was more than proving so tonight. Probably the all-seeing eyes of the poet at work. "Go on."

"You know... different. I mean, we're all fish out of water in one way or another, but she's not like anyone else in the school. It's like she doesn't belong here, somehow, and yet here she is."

"Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea," Chikaru laughed quietly. "But that's not for me to talk about. She has an amazing story, but it's hers to tell."

"Is it a sad story?" Tamao asked, trying to stifle a yawn.

"Some of it is, but certainly not all. After all, it brought her here."


As it was well after curfew when the bus returned to Astraea Hill, the kendo team was dropped off at the Spican sports complex, where the resident students were to be escorted back to the gated area around the dormitory while those who lived off-campus waited for rides from friends and family.

Before everyone could scatter, however, the sensei gave them a curt congratulatory speech for their overwhelming victory, praising the individual medalists from each division by name. However, rather than leave it at that, she went on to add her disappointment in those who lacked the focus or drive to excel to their fullest potential, and warned them that more was expected of them if they wished to continue to represent St. Spica.

Hazuki tried not to take this personally, but since the sensei had delivered this entire section of the speech while staring right at her, it was hard not to.

Later, as the small horde made its way back to the dormitory, Yaya sidled up to Hazuki. "Are you okay, Hazuki-senpai?"

"I'm fine, actually," Hazuki nodded, not sure how much she was willing to say to Yaya after the outburst from a few nights ago.

Yaya looked back over her shoulder toward Spica and let out a snort. "Swept the medals in every division, and she's got to find something to bitch about. Ah, well. Even goddesses get to have their off-nights, right? I'm sure you'll be kicking plenty of ass next time."

"We'll see," Hazuki shrugged, pasting on an amiable smile.

Nothing more was said until they arrived at the dormitory itself, at which time Yaya, seeing Hazuki heading toward the Lulim wing, gave her a broad wink. "Get some sleep, willya?"

"Ehh, we'll see," Hazuki said again.

Before she could get halfway down the hall, though, she heard soft, quick footfalls behind her, and she turned to see Tsubomi hurrying to catch up with her. "Hazuki-senpai?"

"Yes, Tsubomi-san?"

The pink-haired second-year looked away for a moment, her hand absently reaching for the medal she still wore. "Thank you, Hazuki-senpai. I never would have won this without your help today."

"That's kind of you to say," Hazuki nodded. "And it was my pleasure to watch you."

Tsubomi managed to smile and grimace at the same time, and seemed to be agonizing over the next words. "Why did you throw your match?" she finally blurted out, looking ashamed at having said it. "I mean, you could have beaten that girl. You could have beaten all of them."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Hazuki said quietly, giving Tsubomi the tiniest hint of a smile. "Congratulations on your win, Tsubomi-san. I daresay it won't be your last."

After a few nods and a few more abortive attempts at articulating her point further, Tsubomi finally turned and headed back to the Spica wing. Hazuki watched her go for a moment, then continued on to Chikaru's room. She found the door unlocked, as Chikaru had said it would be, and quietly let herself in.

To her surprise, she found Chikaru lying back in bed against a stack of pillows, a sleeping Tamao cuddled against her. Chikaru gave Hazuki a warm smile and a finger to her lips. "Shh."

Hazuki set her equipment bag down, kicked off her shoes, and padded to the side of the bed. "Tell me," she said, returning Chikaru's smile, "should I be jealous or titillated?"

"I'll leave that to you, my samurai. How was the tournament?"

"A clean sweep for Spica in all divisions."

"And for you?"

"Bounced out in the first round."

Chikaru raised an eyebrow. "So you decided, then?"

Hazuki nodded slowly in reply. "It wasn't until I was actually there that I knew what I had to do."

"I hope it doesn't complicate things with the sensei," Chikaru grimaced.

"I don't think it's possible for me to care less if it does," Hazuki shrugged. "But on to more pleasant topics, what exactly is Tamao doing in your bed?"

"Sleeping."

"Okay, I suppose I walked into that one."

"She needed to talk," Chikaru smiled. "She's starting to ask some interesting questions, too."

"Interesting in what way?"

"Questions about what you and I have. About who you are, and why you seem so different from anyone else on this hill."

Hazuki let out a slow breath. It had only been a matter of time, really. Their conversations, both over tea and elsewhere, had been growing steadily more comfortable, and more personal in nature. So far she had managed to dodge telling Tamao too many details of her past, but she wasn't going to be able to get away with it much longer: not if she wanted to keep the girl's trust.

"What are you going to tell her?" Chikaru asked, reading her mind as usual.

"I'm not sure yet."

"You know I'll back you up on whatever you decide to say. My secrets are yours, and I'll trust her if you will."

"Thank you. I'll have to play it by ear, I think."

Slowly, so as to not awaken Tamao, Hazuki eased herself down to sit on the edge of the bed, so that Tamao was between them. Chikaru reached out a hand to grasp hers, allowing their energy to effortlessly join once again. "So should I head back to my room and let you two rest?" Hazuki asked.

Chikaru grinned. "There's room."


Next: Secrets