(I own only plot.)
A/N: Well, here's your next chapter. Enjoy. (P.S. Everything in brackets and italics (italics) are Amber's thoughts.)
Trigger warning: Self-harm. This is T for a reason.
*Amber's POV*
I stood alone in her room. Mr Sweet had given me some time off school as long as I did the work my friends brought in. I could still smell Trudy's perfume. I just couldn't feel her presence. It was hurting me to know that the one person I'd been sure I loved had killed herself. She was doing so well. She'd been happy. Or maybe she was hurting this whole time and I never knew. This is how self-absorbed I am. I was so focused on me that I didn't see that she was tipping over the edge and now she's gone. It'd been utter torture when the others had found out, because they were only concerned about food and the house. I mean, really! Someone who I thought we'd all loved more than anyone else in the world had just died and the only thing they cared about was food! I felt my heart shatter again and I sank to my knees, right next to where she'd died. Tears flowed freely. Since I'd cried so much, I didn't bother with makeup today. (Why bother hiding the ugliness you know is in there?) "Amber?"
I sobbed in response. Jasper knew how bad it was for me, but he didn't have the same understanding that Trudy did. He came in and I knew he'd sat next to me. I felt him wrap his arm around my shoulders. I choked out "I'm sorry... I didn't know she'd... She'd do that..."
"It isn't your fault. It was always obvious that she wasn't happy. It was always just a matter of time until she couldn't take it. She was a good woman and she only wanted you and your friends to be happy."
"Then why did she have to die? It's not fair, if it should have been anyone, it should have been me! She was nothing but good!" I was choking now, only wanting to join Trudy.
"I know she was a good woman. And because she was a good woman, she wouldn't want you to blame yourself or wish yourself dead. She loved you." I could feel Jasper's pain radiating from him and I just knew that it was hurting him to talk about her. He'd so clearly loved her. "She told me to look after you. She wouldn't have said that if she didn't love you. She wants you to live."
(She wanted me to be happy. Why wouldn't she stay with us? I wanted her to get married to Jasper and grow old with him...) "Why would she do that, Jasper? Why wouldn't she stay with us?"
"I don't know, Amber. It's a mystery. But what I do know is that she didn't want to live any more. And that isn't okay, because something was clearly hurting her. But she held on for you. I caught her contemplating it once. She was strong enough to hold on. She knew that she was loved. She died knowing she was loved. Even though she took her own life, she still died happily."
I looked up at him to see tears in his eyes. "Would you have married her?"
He looked at me in misery for a moment, then said "Yeah. I would have. I loved everything about her. She was the universe to me."
I snuggled close to him, knowing he knew that it hurt. "I wish she could be here. Why did she run?"
"I don't know. I wish I'd stopped her." I felt his sob before I heard it. I knew it was hurting him more to think of what he and Trudy would have had. He loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone, I know he did. "It's so surreal, that she isn't here. I keep hoping I'll hear her sweet voice and the pattering of her perfect little feet and then she'll just walk in, unharmed, alive and well. Then there's nothing and it's reinforced that my beautiful little Trudy's gone and I'll... I'll never... Never see that beautiful little face again..."
I hugged him. It must hurt so much to lose the one you love. "Jasper, I'm sorry. She wouldn't like to think that she'd hurt you."
"I know she wouldn't, kid. But still, it doesn't feel too nice. Hopefully, you'll never have to know what it's like to lose the one person you want to grow old with."
I felt awful for this poor man. He loved Trudy even now. Her funeral was close and I knew he'd be hurting.
I watched as the morticians lay Trudy in her coffin. She looked so little, so helpless, so defenceless. I could hardly stand to see her like that. How could we ever let her be buried? How could we put her in the ground when she was always so scared of constriction and dark places? She would never have been able to cope. But Jasper had insisted on burial and I understood why. He could go and sit by her grave and talk to her remains. He would be able to know that, for a short while at least, she would be whole and peacefully lay in the ground. "Was she close to you?" A mortician asked me, but because I was looking at the body of the kindest woman I'd ever known, I was lost for a moment.
"Yes. To both of us." I got out, before I choked up and looked at Trudy again. She looked so peaceful, like she was asleep and would wake at any moment. But she was too stiff to look alive. I crouched beside her coffin and held her hand. She was so cold, which tore into my soul a little more, because I'd always known Trudy to have warm, rough, hardened and chafed dry hands, not icy cold, soft, moisturised and marble-smooth hands. Her eyes had been closed, though, because it must be a bit creepy to have a dead person watching you. I wished she could just grab my hand and reassure me, then it hurt me again as I realised that she'd never be able to do that again.
Jasper came and sat next to me. "She looks so helplessly little..."
"I know. She used to have so much fire and determination, you'd never see her as this. She was so tough. Nobody could have ever pictured her so small and still. It's not right." I sighed, then realised that this was death. Taking the way Trudy is and changing it. The way Trudy was. Our sweet-natured, kind-hearted, selfless Trudy is... To was.
"She would never have let any of the kids die. Can't say as I thank her for that because those miscreants are horrible. But she was a decent woman and plenty of people liked her. God rest her little soul." Victor concluded.
Jasper was called up next. I felt horrible for him, he looked exhausted and like he would cry. "Trudy Rehman was a lot of things. She was a selfless woman, a wonderful, spirited person who gave off her own special glow. She spread light and happiness no matter where she was. She loved so unconditionally and was loved in return. She would give everything she had and more. She was a miracle all of her own. She was a lovely woman and it was a privilege to have known her as I did. She had a beautiful soul and it would have been an honour to have kept her for the rest of her life. She should have grown to be an old woman, but that was taken from her by the ghosts of her past. She was a sweet, sensitive woman and she will live on in our hearts until our dying days. May the beautiful being rest in peace."
There wasn't a dry eye in the room. It was torture to Jasper to talk about our lovely Trudy and I understood his pain. It wouldn't be any easier for me. I was called and allowed to speak for her. "Trudy was the most important person I ever knew. She was shadowed darkly by a torturous past, but she held her shadows back. She gave the world the love she deserved and she wanted nothing more than to watch everyone else be happy. She was kind, she was gentle, she was a wonderful woman who acted as a mother to us like we were her own. She didn't deserve the end she got. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't cope any more. Trudy was a soft-hearted woman and she would have done anything to keep us happy. She just couldn't handle her emotions. She could have been standing here in just a month's time, a bride. But she was unable to handle herself any more and that was okay. She deserved so much better, but her example will lead us. She will be our guiding light as the angel we know her to be. She's soft, kind and warm and she will be happy now. Let her rest in peace."
Trudy was buried not long later. Watching her coffin being lowered into the ground made the finality so real. Jasper whispered "We were talking once, her and me, just after we got engaged. She said that one day, after our wedding, we would have a child. And she told me... That she'd name it Rosalee Amber Mae if it was girl... And Charles Fabian James if it was a boy..." He cleared his throat quietly, before continuing "She told me that she would love to have children... She was so excited... It was horrible to know that she'd run away."
I lay in my bed that night, all alone. Jasper was staying in Fabian's room. I walked into Trudy's room and picked up her knife. Not a bloodstain on it. I examined it. (This is the weapon that claimed her life. She used this to kill herself. Should I be touching it? No. Should I use it? No. Am I going to? Not if Trudy wouldn't like it.) Before I could stop myself, I cut my wrist and felt blood start to trickle. I did it again until it ripped in. (You went too far, Millington. You've really done it now.) I collapsed on the ground and heard feet rushing toward me. I heard voices say my name, but one rang out above the others. "Amber! Why?"
I looked up. Trudy was kneeling beside me, crying. She looked upset. "I'm here now, Trudy..." The world went black.
And that's this chapter. I hope that this was good enough and I will try to update quickly. Until next time, hugs for everyone! C. xx
