Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.
She sits on her bed, her back against the backboard, her knees curled to her chest, and her arms wrapped around her rocking form, whimpering.
Her lights are out, her room dark except for the glow of the moon coming through the open window, the curtains framing it swaying slightly with the soft breeze. Her college roommate is still asleep in the bed across the room, oblivious of her friend's troubles and happy in her sleep. She keeps her mewls as quiet as possible, so as not to wake her.
Since her Shiro's death anniversary, this has become routine for her every night. It reminds her of the broken shell she had been soon after his actual death. But this time, it is not her weakness that is to blame, but the frailty of another.
Her flesh still remembers every inch that was touched by him, when he had broken her trust with that awful admittance of craving more than their once innocent friendship. Her mind remembers every word spoken and exchanged between them, yet her foolish emotions leave her feeling wretched, for slapping him, for rejecting him and his touch, for thoughtlessly breaking his heart.
She cannot bring herself to forget any detail of the scene, which means that the gut wrenching expression on his face will not leave her memories. It haunts her constantly. She remembers the way his entire face had scrunched up in pain, his eyes displaying nothing but turmoil and betrayal as those words had stumbled out, accidental but truthful.
'B-but...I still love Shiro!'
Her own face twists in regret as she remembers once again, and another pathetic whimper escapes her lips. Soon, she is rubbing her arms with her hand, as if to warm herself up – or to cleanse herself of him. The last thought sends an ache through her. Their disastrous last encounter is no reason to suddenly view him as the devil incarnate.
She knows she must answer him at some point. Leaving those words as their last encounter and avoiding him for the rest of her life is hardly a reasonable solution to the problem. But she wishes it is, because this new step in their friendship – though it is a friendship no longer – brings about a topic she has tried hard to bury for so long.
After Shiro passed away, her only outlet to her emotions had been Toushiro. The thought that he had been in just as much pain as her had been a relief, although a guilty one. Their visits to their guidance counselor had been a solace, because they had had a chance to simply forget their pain for a moment, to focus on Rukia instead, and to find someone who understood their emptiness.
After they had graduated high school, they had no longer had a guidance counselor like her to turn to. Well, they had, seeing as how she had set Rukia and her brother up on a forced blind date which led to many sparks, but neither she nor Toushiro had been willing to give up their pride to seek her out without the excuse of it being mandatory by the school staff.
And so, rather than face her feelings any longer, she had buried herself in schoolwork. She had focused too much on her lessons, refusing all invitations by her roommate to parties or any type of social gatherings, choosing instead to use her free time to seek out her professors and get extra lessons.
It had come as no surprise to her worried family members, who understood her behavior as mirroring her refusal to face her tears after the death of her mother. Though Yuzu had called many times to invite her out, and her father insisted she join him for dinner every night, she had always reused if she ever felt they would use the time to confront her.
So what she had liked most about spending time with Toushiro had been that he did not push her into discussing the one they had lost. He had been in pain too, and so he had locked everything away, like her. Being with him had been like taking a break from emotions.
That feeling no longer exists. Because now, simply thinking of him brings forth so many emotions that even three hundred piles of homework could not help her forget him.
'Damn you, Toushiro.'
There is really only one major problem: Shiro. There is no way she can forget him so easily, so how does Toushiro expect her to actually turn away from everything they had had together? To cheat on him and betray the trust they had shared, and with his younger brother, no less? There is no way she can.
Being with the younger brother would only ever be a recount of her time with the elder. She knows she will always compare them, always wonder whether this is what Shiro would have wanted, or whether he would have rather she stayed her distance from his sibling. It will be unfair to both to begin any relationship, and just so soon after the death of her Shiro.
So why does she feel that she owes Toushiro an answer? Why does she keep reminding herself that one year had already passed, that Shiro is gone and she needs to move on?
Needless to say, it is a long time before her hectic mind allows her to sleep once again, but she drifts off well after one in the morning.
When the sunrise arrives, she awakens with it, her head spinning from the loss of sleep. Her roommate is already gone for her early morning class, her bed made and her school belongings gone.
She thanks her lucky stars for this good fortune. She really does not want to pretend to be alright.
As she drags herself into the bathroom, she runs her hand through her unruly hair. As she yawns, she catches sight of herself in the full length mirror and groans. She looks awful, with her hair looking like a bird's next and the bags under her eyes making her look like a raccoon. Was this the face Shiro had fallen in love with?
Definitely not. This is the face Toushiro had spurned.
'Damn you, Toushiro,' she thinks for a second time that morning as she steps into the shower.
After she has fixed herself to look like a human being rather than an animal that roots through trash, she shuffles into the kitchen. Her roommate is nice enough to have left her some breakfast. A little sticky shaped like red lips is hanging on the plastic wrapped plate.
~ Enjoy, Karin-chan! ~
She scrunches her nose in distaste at her roommate's choice in stationary, but seats herself at the table and scarfs down the food, anyway. It is dead silent in the dorm, most students in the area having left for early morning classes like her roommate, and others still sleeping in. In all honestly, it is rather lonely.
"How unexpected," she says aloud to herself, chuckling grimly. "An actual peaceful and quiet room with a Kurosaki in it."
But the observation is actually grave. She knows this is what she is now. A dead and empty shell. She has been silent and unresponsive for months already, and it has only gotten worse since the graveyard visit.
The graveyard visit. As the memory suddenly replays in her mind again at the reminder, she feels herself lose any hope for an appetite. Shoving the plate away, she leans back in her chair. Placing her hands over her eyes and sighing deeply.
She knows she cannot put it off forever, but what can she say to him now? There does not seem to be any word out there that will fix the words she had thrown at him after his confession. And she really does not want to try.
'So, what now, Karin?' she asks herself. That's another thing she has taken to doing lately – speaking with herself rather than attempting any sort of conversation or company.
Is that the problem, then? She is too closed off now? Perhaps it is the loneliness that is driving her into being this way. When she had been with Shiro – and Toushiro too, she begrudgingly admits – there had been no loneliness, because there had never been dullness. She had been her regular, exuberant self in those days. She doesn't like that she is changing. She refuses to admit that she already has changed.
With a groan, she hoists herself up, heading towards her closet to dress herself. For what, she does not know. It's not as if suddenly realizing this occurring change in her has caused some sort of great epiphany. In fact, she feels rather indifferent to it, as if she had realized it long ago – perhaps after her mother died – but had buried herself in work to avoid facing it.
Soon after her boyfriend's death, her clothing choice changed. Unconsciously, she always dresses some way in something black and white – the color of mourning, and the color of his hair, respectively. Today, she slips on black jeans, and ties her hair with a white hair tie. And like always, she does not even think about it as she does so, though this time it is because her mind is only on one thing.
All she knows right now is she does not want to be alone, unlike earlier this morning. It does not seem appealing in the least. But she's also unsure of who to turn to. Her sister and father are out of the question, seeing as how she has been avoiding them for fear of confrontation. And her usual choice, Toushiro, is only worse.
The idea of turning to her roommate is laughable. The two get along well, but the girl is fickle with her relationships, and so her advice will only mirror that.
Who else is there? It saddens her to think that there is no one she can turn to now, in her time of need. A year ago, Shiro would have been the first person to pop into her mind. Yuzu, probably second. Third would have been Toushiro, and her father dead last.
But fourth...
The idea comes to her in a rush, and suddenly, she is flying across her room, throwing on clothes in a frenzy. How could she not have thought of this before? The apartment is only a few blocks away, yet she has not visited in such a long time that she had forgotten about it.
A pang hits her at that realization. How awful of her. In her own selfishness and grief, she has been turning away people she has loved and been supported by for so long.
'I'll fix that today.' She is determined.
But when she stands at the front door, her hand poised to knock, she hesitates, unsure of how to proceed with this unexpected, spur of the moment visit. She is sure she will not be turned away, but...
'It's so early in the morning,' she says to herself, making an excuse to avoid knocking. 'Everyone's asleep. Dumb mistake, Karin.'
She is about to happily walk away when a muffled voice comes from the inside.
"If you want the newspaper so freaking badly, why can't you just get it?"
The door swings open, and a disgruntled person reaches down to grab the periodical lying on the patio. When he straightens, she is staring at him, unsure of what to say.
"Karin?" In any other situation, she would have found her brother's shocked face comical, and so she forces a laugh in an attempt to sound nonchalant.
"Well, seeing as how me and Yuzu are fraternal twins, who else could it be, Ichi-nii?" she teases, half-heartedly.
It takes Ichigo only a few moments to compose himself before he smirks. She envies his ability to appear collected so easily when it is taking every ounce of her willpower to keep up a sarcastic front.
"Come on in," he offers happily, and moves aside to allow her entry.
"Wow, it's really clean in here," she notes, taking in the organized rooms and sparkling furniture. She turns to her brother with a smirk on her face – it is a little easier when she is so close to his protective warmth. "You sure you're a guy?"
He rolls his eyes at her.
"Not my work. Rukia gets the credit for it."
"Someone say my name? Oh, hey, Karin."
"Rukia-nee," she greets her with a nod. Inside, though, she feels disappointed at this unexpected addition to her plan. She had wanted a day with her older brother.
"You come for a visit?"
"Yeah." Rukia eyes her carefully with narrowed eyes, taking in her forced smile.
"...Do you want me to leave?"
"N-no. It's fine." She is definitely an excellent guidance counselor, able to pick up on emotions so easily.
"Why would you have to leave if she's here?" her brother asks, confused and as dense as always. Rukia rolls her eyes.
"No reason. Now go make us some coffee."
He scowls, but stocks over to the kitchen. Karin raises her eyebrows at the display, and Rukia cannot help but laugh.
"Yes, I have him whipped," she answers the unasked question. "Let's go sit in the living room. No use standing around here all morning" And so the two seat themselves across from each other at the coffee table, listening to the sounds of the orange top rummaging through the cupboards in the kitchen.
"Really, Karin," Rukia tries again. "If you really want to talk to him alone, I don't mind leaving." The young college student takes a deep breath and smiles a little more genuinely.
"It's fine, Rukia-nee. It's nothing big – I was just a little lonely and I haven't visited in a while."
Her brother's girlfriend purses her lips, but nods and, thankfully, drops the subject.
"So...how are things with you, Karin?"
"Fine."
"That's good..."
"Yeah..."
"Anything ne -"
"Toushiro told me he likes me!" Karin immediately claps a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide in shock at her sudden outburst – she had not planned on saying anything of the sort. Rukia looks at her in surprise.
"Hitsugaya Toushiro?" Wordlessly, the Kurosaki nods, her hand still over her mouth.
"And I take it this is a bad thing?"
"Of course it's bad!"
"Because you don't feel the same way," she states rather than asks, and she sees the hesitation.
"Yes," Karin says firmly, a little too late. She ventures another guess.
"Or is it because of your old boyfriend?" There is no answer this time. She sighs, eyeing Karin's terrified features.
"You know, when I first started dating your brother, I felt the same way."
Karin purses her lips, understanding that Rukia is again using her usual tactic to guide her by telling her own story.
"You were worried that you were cheating on his non-existent older brother?" she asks, incredulously. Rukia rolls her eyes.
"No. But I did worry that I was betraying Kaien. I kept wondering whether two years was a long enough time to mourn, and whether I was allowed to move on just yet. And along came your brother, though you came first. Despite our chemistry, I couldn't help but wonder if I was replacing Kaien, using your brother as an outlet to my feelings or a way to remember and bring back my former fiancé."
"Of course I wasn't," she adds hastily, catching the dark look on the sister of her boyfriend, "but the doubt stayed for a long time. I knew I was being unfair to myself and to him. And to Kaien's family, who I had promised that I would love him forever."
"And yet you managed to move on," Karin notes. Rukia smiles warmly.
"Yes. It took a long time, but I realized that the two were completely different from each other, and perhaps that was what helped keep me sane, helped me realize that it was okay to be with Ichigo. They aren't the same person, no matter how much they look alike."
And it feels like she is suddenly directly addressing Karin's problem, which causes the confused woman to shift uncomfortably in her seat.
The truth is, she knows that the two are different. Their similarities end with their shared hair color and likeness in name. While Shiro had been gentler, kinder, and more innocent and childish, Toushiro is closed off, quiet, and awkward with his feelings. A little more like her.
Which is why it is such an amazing accomplishment for him to have admitted his feelings.
She groans quietly, running a hand through her hair and gritting her teeth in frustration. She remembers the arguments she had shared with herself just this morning, the uncertainty and the gut wrenching guilt, and then she pictures the happiness that her brother and his new girlfriend share together, all these years after the death of her old lover.
So now she knows that a happy ending is possible, that moving on is acceptable, no matter how long it may take, and that there is someone out there who is more miserable than she is, and it is all her fault.
She knows what she has to do.
"I'll see you around, Rukia-nee!"
"Karin, where are you going?!" she hears Rukia call after her as she suddenly springs form the sofa. But she does not explain herself as she races out of the room, a door slam remaining the only answer to the question.
"What's wrong with Karin?" Ichigo asks as he hurriedly enters the room at the sound of the slam, worry etched onto his face. Rukia shrugs, mirroring his expression, though she knows the exact answer.
"I don't know, but she looked like she was in a big rush."
And she is.
She races down the street, her mind only vaguely reminding her to take a left, then a right, then another right. Soon, she arrives at the bustling city center, where honking cars and drivers screaming profanities surround her.
She does not even stop running as she sticks two fingers in her mouth and lets out an ear-splitting whistle meant to be used only on soccer fields.
She ignores the pedestrians who stare at her or send dirty looks, preoccupied only with the many cabs that respond to her whistle by parking next to the sidewalk, and then jumps into the nearest one.
She sticks her hand into her coat pocket, pulls out a wallet, and begins to roughly rummage through the contents, the bills all looking the same to her. After an irritated search, she finally pulls out some cash, and practically throws it at the cab driver.
"Shibuya District," she orders. "Please make it quick."
The driver grumbles at her, though she pays no mind to his words. As the cab pulls onto the road, she leans back in her chair, and stares out the window, deep in thought. Her thumb is in her mouth, her teeth biting down on the nail, and her brow is creased in thought.
Now that she is finally seated and on her way, she has time to think some more. And she wishes she doesn't. As she watches buildings and people blur by the cab window, uncertainty fills her mind.
Is this the right thing to do? She suddenly feels like she is moving so fast with this decision. When she had left Ichi-nii's house, she had felt that she had sorted out her feelings. But now she is unsure of exactly what she wants to say. What can she say? She should have thought of this before blindly rushing from the house.
She has stomped on his heart, without even considering his side of the argument. She regrets it now, of course, but she is unsure of how to tell him this. She has never been good with talking of her feelings, and adding his feelings to the conversation will only make this more uncomfortable for her. It is only a small relief to know that he will be just as awkward as her.
"Hey, girlie. You gonna get out or what? I got other customers to get to, ya know."
Her time to think has run out. She slips out of her seat, mumbling a "thanks," and wanders through the district, still lost in thought but aware of her destination.
It is only when she arrives at a large building with a sign that says Tokai University set up outside that she realizes a major problem.
'No girls allowed in the boys' dorm,' she remembers, slapping her forehead with her palm. How could she have forgotten? This rule has caused the two of them much annoyance in the past, as they have always needed to plan their meeting locations carefully, so as not to break any rules. She sighs, her shoulders heaving and then dropping low. 'Only one thing to do now.'
And so she sneaks in...and gets caught in the next two minutes.
"Hey, it's a girl!"
"What's a woman doing here?"
"Should we tell someone?"
"A female! The campus' rulebook strictly prohibits the presence of a female within the boys' dormitories -"
"What the hell are you telling us for, Szayel? We know that already. If you're that against it, go tell her!"
"Right."
But she does not stick around long enough for this Szayel character to catch her, simply booking it down the hallway, dodging shocked college boys.
"Someone catch her!"
"What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that rules are rules!"
"Rules are meant to be broken!"
This is met with cheers of agreement and cries of indignation. All around her are supporters and opponents of her infiltration, and they are all so busy arguing with one another that they let her slip by.
She finally arrives outside a wooden door marked with gold colored numbers hanging on it, reading 10. She begins knocking profusely.
"Toushiro, open up. Hey, open the damn door!"
"What?!"
Immediately following his crabby and sleepy voice, his door is wrenched open from the inside.
"Who's the – Karin?"
"Let me in?" she asks, fighting a grin at his shocked and vulnerable face. He simply stands there until they hear voices getting closer to their hallway. She becomes urgent. "Come on, Toush. If they find me, I'll get kicked out."
He wordlessly moves aside, allowing her entry, and then closes the door behind her quietly.
"Hey, where'd she go?"
"Maybe she's in Hitsugaya's room? He's the only one down this hall."
"No way, idiot. What girl would visit him? She has to have gone down to the next hallway."
She sighs in relief as the voices and shuffling get quieter once they move away.
"That was close. We're lucky you're such an antisocial prick."
He scowls at her, his arms folded across his chest and his body leaning against the closed door as she seats herself on one of his couches. She grins at the familiar face as she looks around.
"Nice place you got here."
"Thank you," he answers politely, but his eyes are calculating.
'Probably wondering what the hell I'm doing there,' she admits, begrudgingly. 'He always did like getting straight to the point.'
"So..." she begins, awkwardly. He cocks his head to the side.
"So?"
She sighs, realizing there is no beating around the bush in this situation.
"Would you mind if we...talk for a bit?"
Yay, I'm finally back! This one shows Karin's feelings after Shiro's death (it's the longest one so far - 4,000 words), and the next one will be the last chapter. It's kind of exciting - I'm finally going to complete the very first story I ever posted on this site! I've already started the next chapter, though I only have the ending written out (I think I've got things bacwards, huh?).
Before I end this chapter, I wanted to make sure there is no confusion on character profiles. From the very beginning, I've had an Important Info section on my profile for this story, which I am going to delete after this story is completed. I've tried to subtly incorporate these facts into the chapters, since it would ruin the flow to outrightly say, "She is 16 years old at this time," but in case some of you are still unclear and don't want to go to my profile, here's what it says:
.. ღ .. Toushiro, Jyuushiro, and Karin attend the same school - Karakura High School. Karin and Toushiro are in the same grade, but not the same class, while Jyuushiro is their senior by two years.
.. ღ .. Toushiro and Karin are both 16 during the chapters written at the time Jyuushiro is still alive; Jyuushiro is going on 18 at this time.
.. ღ .. Toushiro and Karin are both going on 18+ during the chapters written in the time period after Jyuushiro's death, and are about to graduate high school; Jyuushiro is 20 at the time of his death.
.. ღ .. Karin and Jyuushiro know each other for two years; they are just friends for one year, and then date each other for one year before his death.
Hope that clears up everything!
