It had been an hour since Olivia had left and ever since the house had been quiet. Amanda was asleep and Carisi was starting to get tired too while feeding Jesse. The adult was comfortably seated on his couch and the baby was laying in his arms.
The whole situation was starting to get to him. He couldn't understand; Declan had always seemed so fond of Amanda in his own way. Both officers worked well together. From what he knew, the seasoned detective had save Amanda's shield and had always been careful to let her put herself into harm's way. But now that he had a child with her, he could hurt her. He couldn't understand. Also, he had felt jealous when he had learned that Murphy was the father. Sonny hadn't realised it before, but he wanted to be Amanda's one and only. He wanted to be the father of Jesse wich also meant that he wanted to be with Amanda. He could finally tell what he felt for her; he loved her. Unfortunately, Amanda had to get hurt for him to realise it.
The more he thought about that night, the more he wanted to just go into Declan's holding cell and beat the reason out of him. It had always been the hard part of the job for him to understand the 'whys' of the perps. The man couldn't understand why they would hurt innocent people. Like most cops, he thought that cases involving children were the hardest.
Amanda's situation mostly got to him because it had come out of nowhere. No one expected this. Of course, he knew that assaults could happen at any time but, usually, when women are attacked by their boyfriend or husband it starts from a scratch and then it's escalating. Or at least, the 'boyfriend' doesn't just appear like that. As far as he knew, Declan wasn't even in town and Amanda was in good terms with him. Carisi had spent almost every evening with her since she started her maternity leave and he'd like to think that if she had had any kind of trouble with Jesse's father, she would have told him.
The detective was brought back from his thought by a scream coming from his bedroom. He quickly got up, trying to not startle the baby in his arms, and went to put her in the crib that he kept around for his niece. Once he had made sure that Jesse was safe in it, he headed to his bedroom. Hearing her mother's scream and losing Carisi's embrace made the infant start to sob. He walked faster and opened the door in one go not even waiting for Amanda to tell him to come in. The woman had stopped screaming and hadn't made a sound since. When he scanned the room, the worried man couldn't find her. He walked to his bathroom but when he tried to open the door, something, or someone perhaps, was blocking it.
"Amanda, are you okay?" he knew it was a stupid question but he had to ask.
"I'm fine. Where's Jesse? Is she okay?" she said coldly.
"She's in the crib. You scared her a little but she will be fine," he didn't know what to do. "Can you come out and join me and Jesse in the living room?"
"Give me a minute."
The man hesitated to walk away but at the end still went to take care of Jesse. If Amanda wasn't out of the bathroom in two minutes he would go see again. For now, he would let her have her privacy.
The man didn't have to go back, though. Amanda walked in not long after he had taken the baby in his arms again. Carisi quickly noticed that she was struggling to walk. "Where does it hurt?" he asked getting closer.
"I'm okay, you just pushed the door a little fast back there," she said giving him a small smile. She was truly in pain but hated to take medication; it gave her nausea and it made her sleep.
"I'm sorry, I was worried..."
"It's fine. Can I have my daughter back?" she said opening her arms.
"Of course, sit down, though. You got to be easy on your ribs."
Amanda didn't argue and it made Sonny aware of how exactly she was hurt. He put the baby in her mother's arms and straightened again. "Wait here I'll get you some painkiller."
"No!" she screamed. Everyone in the room, including Amanda, was startled by her tone. " I mean, I'll be fine. I don't need medication," the mother spoke in a softer tone trying to calm her baby.
The man didn't know what to say he didn't want to argue with her but he hated to see her in so much pain. So Carisi sat back down beside her but not too close. Just close enough to reach her with his hand if needed. He felt so helpless. Her pain was both physical and emotional and he could tell it. He had figured that she must have had a nightmare to scream like that but decided to push her about it. Maybe it would help her somehow, he thought. "What happened?"
"What are you talking about?" Amanda asked, knowing exactly what he meant. She had woken up screaming for dear life and had run to lock herself in the bathroom. Of course, he would be worried. She didn't want to talk about it. She hadn't talked about her nightmares after Patton had raped her, so why talk about it now? She didn't see the point.
"Amanda... Talk to me," he pleaded. "What if it helps?"
"And what if it doesn't?" she wasn't looking at him, only Jesse. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She knew he was only trying to help but she didn't believe in talking. Amanda had never been someone who talked about her issues. It would make her feel weak and the detective hated it.
"Amanda it's me, you know you can trust me. It will help I promise." At that moment, he only wanted to rip Declan's head off. Amanda had been almost an open book to him for the past month and now, thanks to Murphy, they were back at square one. Sonny couldn't tell what she was feeling or thinking. She had built the wall back up that he had just finished seeing through.
"I... I can't, Sonny, I'm sorry," she whispered still not looking at him.
"Why not?" he asked softly.
She didn't answer and only got up with Jesse in her arms. It took her everything not drop the sleeping baby. When Carisi saw her getting up he quickly got up himself, "What are you doing?"
She didn't say anything and just hid her face while she walked towards the crib. She carefully laid Jesse in it and got back up. She had hold herself up on the cradle to take her breath back. Once her breathing was under control she turned to Carisi who had followed her but stayed a bit behind.
As soon as he saw her face his shattered even more for Amanda. She was crying. He took a quick step towards her to give her some comfort but when he raised his arms to hug her, she flinched. "I'm sorry..." she quickly added between sobs, hating what she had just done.
"Don't be sorry, it's my fault," he felt terrible. She looked like she was scared of him. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you..." it was more a question than a statement.
"I know," she said and started to walk away. Carisi followed her and they soon found their selves standing in the kitchen. "I didn't want to wake Jesse if we were to talk," she specified to Sonny.
Amanda still had tears falling down her face and you could tell by her voice that she had a lump in her throat. Once it was started she could never stop her it, she had to wait until it was over.
Once again, Carisi tried to get closer to hug her. This time, he walked slowly towards her and carefully put his arms around her. Amanda rested her head on his chest and let it all out.
It was the first time that Amanda would cry this much in front of someone. She didn't know if it wasn't Carisi that was there at this moment if it would feel this shooting but she was glad he was there. "Thank you," she mumbled on his chest.
"You're welcome but for what?" he asked putting his chin on her head and drawing random patterns on her back with his hands.
"Being here."
"You don't have to thank me for that, I want to be here for you. I need to be here for you." He kissed the top of her head and rested his chin back.
"He came back..." she mumbled again.
"What?" he wasn't following. He leaned backwards to have a better look at her face.
"In my dream, he was back and... he was hurting you and Jesse and... and I couldn't do anything." Amanda's tears had stopped but now they were back in full force.
"Oh, sweetheart," he kissed her forehead, " he won't get out of jail I promise."
"You don't know that, he could post bail. You can't promise me that."
"You're right but even if it happens, I will protect you and Jesse," he looked Amanda straight in the eyes. He needed to make her feel safe again. "Why don't go try to sleep some more, maybe it will ease the pain? I'm sure standing isn't too fun for you."
"I'm..." she was cut off by Carisi.
"Not fine. Amanda, you are white as a sheet,"
"Alright..." in reality, every part of her body hurt and her head was making her dizzy. "But I don't wanna sleep, every time I close my eyes, I see him..." she sounded childlike.
"I'll be there with you," he took her hand and lead her to his bedroom. They didn't talk the whole way to the room, not that it was a long distance but still. Amanda was lost deep in her thought and Sonny was only concentring on her small hand in his. He had never noticed how small her hands were until now and wondered how she could shoot a gun that good with those small hands. He knew that her hands shouldn't change anything on her ability to fire a weapon but still... it impressed him.
He was brought back from his thoughts when he lost Amanda's hand. She had stopped dead in her track. "What's wrong?"
"Don't hurt her, please, I'll do anything!" the mother said coming closer to Sonny. "Please, stay away from my baby girl and I'll do anything!" That's when she grabbed his neck and kissed him.
The tall detective didn't really understand what was happening until the small woman talked about her daughter. She was having a flashback from to other night. He didn't really know what to do. Yes, he wanted to kiss her but it wasn't like that that he would have imagined their first kiss. He took a step back to separate himself from her, "Amanda, it's me, Carisi..."
He waited for her to come back from her dark memories but she only took a step forwards. Amanda started to push him backwards and they soon ended up in Carisi's room. When the man felt the bed against the back of his knees, he tried to take a step to the side to fall onto it. Amanda grabbed him, though, and she was already falling. He lost his balance and fell on top of her. He didn't even have the time to time to process what had happened that she was screaming and trying to get out from underneath him, "Wait, I can't! Stop! You're hurting me!"
Sonny got up as fast as he could without touching her and tried to catch her attention, " Amanda! You're safe, Declan isn't here. It's just me, Carisi."
Carisi didn't want to touch her but she wasn't listening. Amanda was scary to see. She had her eyes wide open, tears threatening to fall, and she was tossing on the bed trying to fight invisible demons. "Amanda!" he tried again. It didn't work, though, and he was starting to worry that she would hurt herself. The detective decided that he had to stop her before it happened. He got on the side of the bed and quickly grabbed her arms so he wouldn't get hit while trying to call for her once again, "Amanda, it's me Carisi."
When he saw that it hadn't worked, he sat down on the bed with her arms secured, lifted her up to the height of his chest and put his arms around her to still her. Lifting her had been easy, she was very light for an adult, but she was strong and she started to fight him. "Let me go! You're hurting me!" she said kicking in the air. Carisi heard a cry coming from outside the room. Amanda had woken up Jesse.
The blond's back was tightly pressed against his chest and he was holding her from behind. Hearing her scream made him wonder if he wasn't really hurting her and he felt bad. What she said next, though, made him understand that she wasn't talking about him, "Why are you doing this to me, Declan? You're hurting me!"
"Sweetheart, it's me, Sonny," he spoke softly to her right ear. Slowly she stopped fighting and the man didn't waste time to ease his grip on her. He felt like he could break her if he held her too tight. He kept his arms around her, though, just in case. After a few moment, he started to worry. She hadn't moved an inch. "Amanda?"
Sonny let out a sigh of relief when he felt her shaking; she was alive. Not long after that, he felt tears on his arms.
"I'm so sorry," she cried.
"Shhh, it's okay. You're okay," he said rocking them back and forth.
They stayed like that for a few minutes but after that Amanda became aware of her daughter's cries. She tried to get up but her... she didn't know what he was anymore... her 'more than friend' carefully laid her down on the bed.
"I've got her, just try to sleep. You need to rest," he completely let go of her and put a blanket over her. After making sure, she wasn't to get back up, he made his way back to Jesse.
Sonny took the infant in his arms and softly spoke to her, "I know your mom scared you, she scared me too. But she's fine now."
It didn't take long for Jesse to fall back to sleep so he put her back in the crib and went to check up on Amanda.
When he entered the room Amanda was already asleep. She was laying in the middle of the bed without a pillow. He knew that she was hurt enough already and that she didn't need a torticollis on top of that. So, he picked her up in the bridal style and put her laid her back down on the right place. He laid on his side next to her and watched her sleep. It was past five o'clock and he was starting to get hungry since had hardly eaten anything since that crazy night. He got lost in looking t her sleeping, though, and he soon drifted off to sleep too.
*** Should I continue? Hoped you liked it and please let me know what you thought!***
