Chapter song: Oh That I had by Ruby Frost and Mt. Eden

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Entering the house, he's surprised, and confused, at the scene he walks into. He had come up with several different scenarios on what he would come home to, but his wife swaying to the music she has on while she cooks at the stove wasn't one of them. The atmosphere seems light, not tense like he thought it would be. Setting his laptop case down on the floor, he leans up against the wall, just watching her.

She is so lost in the music, and thinking about how the last two days have gone, that she doesn't hear him come in.

She woke up yesterday morning feeling like she could finally breathe again, and she wanted more than anything to feel that way every day.

She thought back to when they had made love. The emotions she had felt during and after were so intense that she could feel them in her bones. What made it even more powerful, was that she knew he had felt it too.

When she woke up this morning, she felt just as light as she did the morning before. As she showered, she thought back to how they had spent dinner as a family, and how two mornings in a row her husband had awakened her to kiss her goodbye before he left for work. Something had changed in him; something for the better. It made her wish that they could just continue on with their lives like the last two and a half years never happened. But, deep down she knew that they would never be able to survive if they ignored all of their problems.

When she had gotten out of the shower, she finally felt confident enough to face everything she had been hiding from. She had even called and spoke with her therapist about everything she was feeling, which helped her realize that she had already accepted his affair. The only thing left for her to do was to move forward by opening herself up and forgiving him.

She knows tonight won't be easy, but she can't help but feel optimistic about what the future holds for them.

As she turns the temperature down on the stew, she startles a bit as she feels warm arms wrap around her torso, but relaxes when familiar lips whisper in her ear.

"Hey...Do you need help with anything?"

Turning around in his arms, she smiles and shakes her head no. Smiling back at her, he dips his head down and kisses her before breaking away to change out of his work clothes.

During dinner, there seems to be a silent understanding between the two of them as they keep conversation light; both just wanting to enjoy this one last dinner together before everything changes again.

As their bowls begin to empty and the bread is almost finished, it begins to get quiet around the table. Both are apprehensive about what lies ahead, knowing that once the last bite is eaten, they can no longer go on pretending that their problems don't exist.

Neither talks as they clear the table. They work together at a slow pace, biding time before they have to face this impending moment in their marriage.

As she wipes down the same counter she's been cleaning for the last several minutes, she tries to clear her mind and calm down her nerves by watching the waves crash into the shore through the large picture window in the dining room. But, as soon as she hears him start the dishwasher behind her, her nerves spike and her heart rate picks up. She wishes there was some kind of button she could press to fast forward through all of this.

Turning around, he notices that his wife is frozen in place, and the towel she was wiping the counter with is now fisted in her hand. Taking a deep breath, he walks up behind her and gently removes it from her grasp, tossing it next to the sink. Grabbing her arm softly, he turns her around and brings her into him, holding her close. She presses her face into his chest, breathing him in, as she wraps her arms around his waist, holding onto him tightly. Both of them are just trying to hold on for a few moments longer.

She's the first to pull back, and as she does he loosens his arms from around her slightly, not wanting to lose contact just yet. She looks up at him and sees that he's trying to be strong by giving her a small smile, but she can see the worry in his eyes. As she gives him the same small smile in return, he loosens his hold completely from her and grabs her hand, guiding them into the living room.

Sitting on the couch, they don't sit as close as they had just a couple of nights ago; they are sitting far enough away to give each other space, but close enough to be comfortable.

Turning a little to the side, just enough to face her, he's the first to break the silence. "I'm not sure where to start or how we should do this... I-"

"I know about the affair...," she interrupts him quietly. Grabbing the throw pillow that sits between them to hug to her chest, she starts to explain, "A few months ago, I found a receipt in one of your pockets while doing the laundry, and there was only one item bought on there… We haven't used those in years," she adds in a whisper that holds no emotion, trying to keep herself from breaking down right away.

He already knows how she had found out from reading her journal, but before he can respond, she continues, dejectedly, "There's just been one woman…right?"

She's unable to look at him as she waits for him to answer, choosing instead to stare at the space between them as she hugs the pillow tighter. She has only suspected one, but that could just be because that's what she has wanted to believe. She doesn't know how she'll feel if there's been more.

After what seems like a lifetime, but has probably been only seconds, she hears him answer, "Yes," in a
quiet voice of his own, only his is filled with shame. Tears immediately spring from her eyes, unable to keep them in any longer, and fall quickly down her face. She had prepped herself for his confirmation, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry," he says in a strained voice, while reaching over and wiping the tears from her face.

Shaking him off, and wiping the tears off herself, she asks, "It's not someone I know, is it?"

He balls his hands tightly into fists, trying to keep himself from comforting her like he wants to as he answers her remorsefully, "No... I used to work with her when we first moved here," and before she gets the chance to ask, he continues, "but, nothing happened between us until about six months ago."
Nodding her head, she asks the next question she's wanted to know the answer to for the past two days. "Is it over?"

"Yes..."

"When was the last time you…?" She can't finish the rest of the question; it hurts to even think about it, let alone say it out loud.

"A few weeks ago… Before the spring semester ended," he answers quietly.

A little surprised and relieved at his answer, she doesn't ask her next question right away. She thinks back to the last few weeks and is surprised that she didn't notice the change herself; his sporadic, nightly showers, the one change in his behavior that had tipped her off in the first place, had been absent for about the same time. She'd always had trouble sleeping, but it was on those nights, the nights where he would head straight for the shower when he got home, that she had trouble sleeping the most. She usually spent those nights walking alone on the beach after he had gone to sleep, unable to lie next to him knowing that it wasn't her who he wanted to be sharing a bed with.

Bringing herself back into the present, she asks in a choked whisper, "Why?"

He closes his eyes, and swallows thickly, wondering to himself how he's supposed to answer a question that he himself doesn't know the answer to. "I don't know… I've asked myself that same question over and over, and I can't- I don't," he stops himself, taking in a deep breath before he quietly continues, shaking his head, "What I've done… no answer seems good enough…there's no excuse for it.
I wish I had a better answer for you, but I don't… I was stupid and selfish. I had it in my head that you weren't in love me anymore because it seemed like you were never happy with anything I tried to do for you. I know, now, that all you needed was me, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been. Besides the affair... it's the one thing I regret the most," he adds, trailing off in a whisper.

Letting his answer sink in, she sits there silently playing with a loose string on the pillow, as he sits next to her watching more tears fall from her eyes, desperately wanting to wipe them away.

The more she thinks about his answer, the more she realizes she'll never be satisfied with what he has to say about it. He's right; any excuse or reasons for his infidelity will never matter. Even though she has already accepted his affair, she doesn't know how to forgive him. She knows that she doesn't want to divorce him; it makes her sick to even think about it, but she knows that they can't survive in a marriage without trust. She's hoping the marriage counselor her therapist had suggested can help them through it.

She's brought out of her musings when she sees the box of tissues from the bathroom in her line of vision. Looking up, she sees her husband sitting in front of her on the coffee table, holding them out for her along with a bottle of water. She didn't even notice he had gotten up from the couch.
Taking a couple tissues from the box and then grabbing the water he had offered, she thanks him in a broken whisper, hoarse from crying.

"You're welcome," he says, setting the tissue box down next to him on the coffee table.

After taking a few much needed sips of water, she clears her throat before quietly saying, "I don't think-," she stops herself, shaking her head as she corrects herself, "No...I know we can't do this on our own. If we're ever going to get through this, we need someone to help us. I have a number for a marriage counselor that we can go to... that is, if you want to-"

"Of course," he agrees immediately, "I think it'd be best." He's thankful that she suggested it, having no idea where to go from here.

After giving him a nod, she goes back to playing with the loose string on the pillow as she tries to build up the courage to say what she has to say next. He's not the only one who has been keeping secrets, and she knows she needs to tell him everything that she's been hiding from him.

Cradling his head in his hands, he grows frustrated with himself, knowing that he has to hurt her again before the night is over. He still needs to tell her that he's been reading her journal, but he's not sure how to bring it up.

Just as he's about to just blurt it out, she gives him an opening.

"There are some things I need to tell you," she starts, but then pauses, taking in a deep breath before she continues, "I've been seeing a therapist-"

"I know..."

"What?" she asks, as she quickly looks up at him, clearly confused.

Taking his a deep breath of his own and letting it out slowly, he looks at her, ashamed, and says, "I've been reading your journal... I saw it on your nightstand one night, and I thought it was just a book at first, but when I realized what it was I took it into my office and started reading it. I know I shouldn't have but... I just-," he stops abruptly, letting out a huff of air, trying to find the words to express why he read it without making it seem like it was her fault.

Closing his eyes briefly, he bows his head down and says quietly, "We've grown apart so much in these last couple of years that I just wanted to know who you were again... When I saw that the first entry mentioned that you've been seeing a therapist, I couldn't stop myself from reading the rest... The more I read, the more I hated myself for the way I've made you feel on a daily basis. I've been so selfish, that I never even noticed that you were so depressed... I could have lost you," saying the last part in an anguished whisper as his eyes meet hers.

She looks away from him, resting her chin on the pillow, as she tries to figure out how this makes her feel. The selfish part of her feels a sense of calm that she won't have to go through telling him herself, while the logical part of her is angry that he invaded her privacy. She also has the feeling of unease run through her that she's unable to figure out before her husband's pleas interrupt her thoughts.

"Please, tell me what you're thinking..."

"Honestly? I'm not sure," she says, as she shakes her head before continuing, "I feel pissed off, but also relieved and... I don't know."

Now it's his turn to be confused; he can understand why his wife would be pissed off, but what he can't figure out is why she would feel relieved.

Luckily, his confusion doesn't last long as she starts to tearfully explain, "I, um... I never really wanted you to find out about what I tried to do last week. I'm embarrassed that I could be so careless with my own life, but I knew that I had to tell you if we were going to start being honest with each other," she pauses to wipe her face with another tissue and lets out a humorless laugh as she continues, "I even thought about letting you read my journal so I didn't have to tell you myself."

He's not sure how to respond to that. He thinks about her explanation and her reluctance to want to tell him, and it sets him on edge. As softly as he can, he asks, "You'd tell me if you were ever to feel that way again, right?"

She looks up at him and nods her head slowly. The look he has in his eyes reminds her of the same look he had the night of his nightmare. She realizes she never did get to ask him what it was about, and she starts to debate with herself whether or not she should ask, but her curiosity gets the best of her.

"I know this is off subject, but a thought just came to me and it had me wondering...What was that, um... nightmare you had the other night about?"

Even though she really isn't that off subject, he's still surprised that she's asking about it right now. He was hoping she never would. How's he supposed to tell his wife who, just a week ago, tried to kill herself that he had a dream he had found her dead?

When he doesn't answer her right away, she adds, "You don't have to tell me if-"

"No, no...It's fine. It was just the same night I found your journal, and I... I don't know, it must've messed with my head or something... I can't even remember all of it, but the one part that sticks out the most is that I felt what it was really like to lose you," he pauses as images from the dream resurface, and swallows thickly before continuing in a whisper, "I don't ever want to feel that way again."

Looking up at her, he notices she looks confused. After a couple minutes of silence, he asks if she's alright.

Ignoring his question, she looks up at him, confusion still masked on her face, and asks, "Um... You found my journal on Tuesday?"

Confused by her question, he quietly replies, "Yeah..."

"Oh... I just thought- nevermind," she says with a shake of her head, "I don't even know where I'm going with this." Looking at the clock above the mantel, she adds, "It's getting late... we should probably call it a night."

He's taken back by her change in demeanor; he can physically see her closing up on him.

As she starts to stand from the couch, he stands up in front of her, and holds out his hand to help her up. She takes it and stands, thanking him as she starts to walk towards the stairs. Tugging her hand that he's still holding, he stops her from walking any further, bringing her back to him. After she turns around and looks up at him, he quietly pleads with her, "Please don't shut me out..."

Averting her eyes to his chest, she softly says, "I'm not trying to... This has just been a lot to take in for one night," stepping back, and letting go of his hand, she briefly looks back up at him as she says, "I just need some time to process it all."

Sensing she needs her space right now, he watches her as she disappears up the stairs instead of following her up right away. As he walks around the house turning off all of the lights and making sure the doors are locked, he can't help but worry about how fast she had closed up on him. He understands that she needs to think about everything, but if they're going to make this work, she needs to be open with him and tell him what she's feeling. He doesn't want to fall back into that same pattern they had been in before, and he'll try his hardest for that not to happen again.

Making his way into the bedroom, he sees that she's already asleep. The fact that she's back to sleeping as far away from his side of the bed as possible, isn't lost on him, but he ignores it. Climbing into bed next to her, he scoots all the way over to her side of the bed, wrapping his arm around her and bringing her back to his chest. He can feel all the tension leave his body as he holds her like he's wanted to do all night.

Kissing her on her head, and then her shoulder, he whispers that he loves her before laying his head on her pillow and falling fast asleep, too exhausted to worry anymore about what tomorrow will bring.

A/N: Special thanks goes to my pre reader, Crackylu, and to my beta, Allison Cullen