Grimmjow stood before the mirror. He squinted hard, trying bring back the image of who he used to be, trying to see past prominent collar bones and scars and thin hair.
"Who is that?"
He held the mirror between shackled hands, Kurotsuchi's yellow teeth glinted as he smiled.
"It's you."
"No it's not." Grimmjow shook his head, but the person in the frame did the same. He held it closer, then farther, trying to make sense of it. "That's not what I look like."
"It is now." A cruel hand came to his face, long nails trailing over his flesh and he watched them move to grip his chin in the mirror. "This is the face of the man I destroyed."
"No.."
"No matter how much you resist, this is still what you've become."
"No..." the mirror fell from weak hands, shattered like his own heart and soul. And that hand only gripped his face tighter when he felt them wet with tears.
"Grimmjow?"
He jolted back, seeing the still gaunt face in the mirror and turned away. He didn't intend to run directly into the teen, but when steadying hands came up to hold him he didn't resist.
"I forget." He whispered into the other's collar.
"What?"
"What I looked like before. I used to see a stranger when I looked in the mirror. But now it's the only face I know."
"Not forever, Grimmjow. We're getting there, I promise, you'll see yourself again."
A hard swallow, a ragged breath. Ichigo held him tighter.
"Rukia, come on in." He stepped aside but called into the living room. "Grimmjow, Rukia is here." he never got an answer, it was just an announcement, so Grimmjow knew.
"We're just about to eat, join us?" He offered to the soul reaper.
"Sure."
Orihime was in the kitchen, she and Ichigo had cooked up a more basic meal of vegetables and chicken strips. Rukia was surprised when he set four plate out, she hadn't been here to see Grimmjow for quite some time and last she'd seen Ichigo was force feeding him protein shakes.
"I'll got get him."
Ichigo got him from his room and they all sat. Orihime chatted about class, Ichigo complained about homework and exams coming up, Grimmjow sat in silence and ate away at his food. Rukia didn't know what to say. She didn't exactly want to talk about Soul Society in front of Grimmjow and wasn't sure what might upset him.
"Do you have much time off?" Ichigo asked her.
"No, just tonight. I just wanted to see how everyone was."
"How's Renji?"
"Fine I guess, but he has his hands full with training. He's a good leader in many ways but in others...he and my brother balanced each other well."
Rukia rarely spoke of Byakuya since his death at the hands of As Nodt. She and Renji had gotten their vengeance, but it would never be enough.
"They did." Ichigo agreed.
"How are you, Orihime? Have you seen any improvement lately?"
"Some." she spoke softly, betraying her disappointment in her progress.
"It will come." Rukia assured her.
They finished dinner. Grimmjow returned his room. Orihime said good night, and Ichigo and Rukia went to his room to ensure they wouldn't be overheard as he updated the lieutenant on Grimmjow's progress.
"I've heard him say Pantera a few times lately. Last night he had a nightmare and it's what he woke up screaming. Do you know anything about it?"
"No. Have you read those files in their entirety?"
"No."
"Well there you go." She opened the drawer in his desk where she knew he kept them. "Get at it."
"It's just so hard."
"Yes, but if you want to help-"
"I know."
"Good. Then I'll leave you to it."
"Rukia you just got here."
"It's a busy time in Soul Society."
"Why? What's going on?"
"Nothing for you to worry about. I'll see you later."
"Okay, bye."
He checked that Grimmjow was still in his room before spreading out the documents the kitchen table and beginning to read. It had been over a month since he'd touched them. He skimmed through looking for mention of Pantera.
There. Day 315 was the first mention of it, when Kurotsuchi was deciding on his next experiment.
Head Captain has given me the sword. He himself tried to decipher just how the prisoner managed to carve that incantation into his zanpakuto. I have asked him repeatedly but get no answers. The Head Captain has finally released Pantera to me to study. I feel like this could open up a whole knew avenue of torture. We shall start tonight.
316. Prisoner responded strongly to seeing his zanpakuto. Got more reaction out of him than I have seen for some time so carried on through the night. He seems to realize I have found a better way to get to him. This has deepened the depression he's been in. Extreme pain caused by experiments on sword, especially where he carved the incantation. I informed prisoner of some of the other experiments I am planning.
Prisoner stopped eating.
317. Conducted nineteen tests, details in system. Very interesting results. Prisoner distraught. It appears there is an intense sympathetic bond between the pair. However he marked his soul, it seemed to have bound him to it even more. Have began spiritual tests on the blade. Prisoner appears to be suffering from it. Still not eating, concerned his body will give out and I will have to take him to the Fourth.
318. Prisoner lost consciousness this morning but still refuses food. Force fed prisoner. After we left, he induced vomiting. Will have to give him intravenous if this continues.
319. Prisoner seems intent on starving himself to death. He will be moved to where he can be given intravenous tomorrow. Today, I told him I will not accept such behaviour and he must be punished. Used Pantera to cut him around his hollow space along with other punishment methods. Prisoner reacted as I desired.
320. Prisoner escaped while being moved. I wonder if this was his plan all along but I doubt he was capable of figuring it out. Have recovered him, administered antidote but damage was done. I fear he will now be taken from me, will spare no time in concluding active experiments.
Ichigo read it all. The horrors he put Grimmjow through ever second he had him in that week. Deaf and almost entirely blind, Grimmjow never had any warning as to what was about to happen to him. But everything happened to him. He cried, screamed, vomited, passed out but was forcibly roused each time.
And then Ichigo read what happened to Pantera.
He spent three days destroying Grimmjow's soul. He broke it into twelve pieces while Grimmjow finally did what Kurotsuchi had wanted all along: he begged him. He begged him to stop while he shattered his blade. He let Grimmjow feel the broken pieces. And then he destroyed those as well, each in their own way. He melted the first- burnt Grimmjow's hand as a way to tell him what he was going to do, then threw a shard into the flames equal to the heat of Hell.
He scalded Grimmjow with acid to let him know how he would destroy the next piece.
It went on and on, the torturous ways in which he destroyed Grimmjow's zanpakuto. And reduced him to his silent state.
Ichigo felt sick.
He jumped when his phone buzzed on the wood surface and quickly picked it up to stop it from ringing.
"Hello."
"Ah, Ichigo..."
"Orihime, what is it?" He could instantly tell something was wrong.
"Oh nothing serious really," this was never a good sign. "I was just being careless and stepped out in front of a biker."
"Oh no, Orihime, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. He took me to the hospital, but I...broke my ankle. I was hoping you could pick me up."
"Of course. I'll be right there."
He grabbed his coat, leaned into Grimmjow's room and explained where he was going and rushed out of the apartment.
He left the reports on the table.
24 months ago
"Kurosaki."
The teen jumped at the voice that was suddenly behind him. He'd been on watch, the others asleep behind him. Uryu, Chad and Orihime, their numbers had dwindled as the other Soul Reapers had left to investigate different leads. So many conflicting reports had come in and confused them, spreading their resources thin.
But now he turned to see the espada who had been gone for five weeks without a trace. Pantera dropped to the sands.
"I think...I need some help..." Ichigo caught him before he hit the ground. A moan of pain escaped him, then he choked on blood and passed out.
"ORIHIME!"
They had all be shocked by the extensive damage that became clear under the light of Orihime's glow. Chad stoked the fire and they beheld his torn body. There were layers of injuries, one hand and arm was destroyed, every bone looked broken. Gashes tore up his face, there were spiritual burns all over his body, and three punctures that were clearly from quincy arrows.
He came too long after Orihime had finished. Even when she'd undone the damage he still just needed to rest. When he did wake, he lurched up from the ground grabbed for his sword.
"Grimmjow." Ichigo came to his side, "You're safe."
He looked around him. They were under a large tent Urahara had left with them as some shield against the chill desert air, the fire kept them warm.
"You healed me." he looked to Orihime.
"You asked for our help." Ichigo prompted him, "do you remember?"
"No. How long?"
"Less than twenty four hours. You arrived outside, you were in pretty bad shape. What happened?"
"I found him."
This brought stunned silence.
"You what?"
"He's ready to strike again, on Soul Society."
"How do you know all this?"
"I was captured a while back. I tracked down their base about a week after I saw you last. Watched them, got some information, then got careless."
"They've had you for a month?"
"No, I escaped shortly after, got a uniform, blended in."
"So you've been pretending to be one of them?"
"For a while." He rose, shaking out the stiffness in his muscle, glancing out the entrance of the tent.
"Were you followed?"
"Probably not." But he seemed on edge.
"Grimmjow, what happened?"
"Nothing. All you need to know I got information."
"That's not true." Uryu spoke up. "We also need to know what information they got out of you."
Grimmjow's eyes narrowed, Orihime glanced at him in alarm.
"What does that mean?"
Uryu answered her, "All those wounds weren't just from a fight. They tortured him for information."
Shock over took the other two. Grimmjow attempted to maintain his confident demeanour but a twitch ran through his features and he diverted his eyes to the ground.
"It's true?" Ichigo asked.
"They got shit from me, but I over heard tons."
"Grimmjow, are you okay?"
He let out a monosyllabic chuckle. "Kid, like I keep telling you, you ain't a soldier, I am. I can hack it."
"So you fought your way out?"
"No, I fought my way in." He brought his gaze back to them. "Once I knew where he was, I made my move."
"And?"
"And one minute I'm fighting the King of the Vandenreich, next thing I'm waking it up in your little shaggin' shack."
Orihime blushed deeply, the boys ignored the comment in order to get the information they wanted.
"So where is he?"
Grimmjow met Ichigo's gaze.
"Come on Grimmjow, you obviously can't take him out by yourself, and you came here last night for a reason. You know you can trust me."
"Maybe. But you're still just a kid."
"The kid who took down Aizen."
"Not alone you didn't." Grimmjow's jaw clenched, and he looked like he might choke on his next words but he managed to get them out through half bared teeth. "You should probably call your friends."
Ichigo knew the battle must have been pretty rough if Grimmjow had finally admitted to needing the help of the Soul Reapers. But four weeks in their company must have taught him he couldn't do this alone.
"Okay." Ichigo pulled out his soul pager to make the call. The others started packing up camp. Grimmjow took a purchase on the rim of a sand dune and watched the night sky. Ichigo found him when they were ready, but crouch down next to him and looked at him sideways.
"Grimmjow, you seem shaken. What did they do to you?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Well, if you need to talk-"
"Listen kid," he stood up, "the day I need to cry on your shoulder, is the day I really need help."
Present
Ichigo pushed the door open while keeping an arm around Orihime. Crutches banged into the wall and he swore when he dropped them. He let them go so he could just pick Orihime up, it was the easiest thing and he moved to put her on the couch but froze when he saw Grimmjow.
"Oh shit."
He was at the table, there was a glass of water that looked like it had been dropped suddenly. Ichigo imagined the scenario: Grimmjow coming out to get a drink, turning, seeing the papers, maybe catching sight of his name, or recognizing the format of Kurotsuchi's notes. And then reading. Seeing those cold calculated word about what he'd done to him, never calling him by his name, always the prisoner or the subject. The bound pages looked bent, some torn, Ichigo had been gone for two hours, he could have relived much in that time.
But there he sat, hands knotted in his hair, just staring at the table, the book pushed to the side.
"Grimmjow."
A tremor ran through him. Ichigo moved quickly to the couch to deposit Orihime, terrified of the fallout of this. She too, looked horrified and didn't say a word as she was set down.
"Grimmjow talk to me."
"What do you want me to say?" He growled out dangerously.
"Girmmjow, I only had those because I thought it would help to understand what your were going through."
"Did it?"
"I'll never understand."
"He broke my soul, Ichigo."
"I know."
"And he...the things he did to me, and then-" his voice failed him but not for sorrow, despair, but anger. "The way he writes about me.."
"He's a horrible person."
"He's the devil." Grimmjow rose, his chair smacking back against the kitchen counter. Only now did Ichigo see the streak of tears he couldn't hear in his voice. But this was all different, this was hostile, rage-driven emotion. "And he treated me like he wrote about me. He took my strength from me. He took my body from me. He took my dignity, my pride, my control, my mind. But it was never enough! Never! So he took my soul!" he smashed a hand backward into the dish rack. Plates smashed, glasses shattered.
"GRIMMJOW!" Ichigo move to control him but the other held out a hand to stop him, pushing himself flat to the fridge as if in fear of Ichigo.
"Don't touch me!"
"Grimmjow please."
"He's a soul reaper. He's one of you. A CAPTAIN!"
"Grimmjow it's me."
"I know..."
"Then you know I'm going to help you, get you through this."
"Get me through this." He swiped the book off the table, the pages thick between his bleeding fingers. He and Ichigo circled the table as if they were about to battle one another. Ichigo just wanted to reach him, afraid of what he might do. But he shook that manual at Ichigo. "You think you can help me get over this." He slammed it back down on the table and came to a stop by the sink again. Ichigo kept moving.
"Don't, Ichigo. Don't come near me."
"Why? What's changed?"
"What's changed?" He smiled in a way that scared Ichigo worse than any tears. "What's changed is that I can see it all, now. There were things that I couldn't quite remember...things I think my mind just sort of, hid away because I couldn't cope, but now..." He took a long breath, and some of that rage faltered as horrors unseen played out before his waking eyes... "I can see like it's happening...I can feel it all..."
"Grimmjow."
"And he couldn't even use my name."
He put his hands back to grip the sink like he might fall over. But that wash of despair became eclipsed by anger again as his knuckle turned white. "HE DIDN'T EVEN USE MY NAME!"
His foot flew into the table, it skidded back over the tile. Ichigo hollered when the chair slammed into his knee from another strike. Every shred of pent up anger was coming out of Grimmjow. He put his fist through a vase, threw the coffee pot on the floor, and then fell with his back to the fridge again, hands clutching his head. Blood dripped down between his fingers, he'd cut his bare feet on broken dishes, but he seemed oblivious to any outward injuries.
"Grimmjow." Ichigo reached out a hand.
"I said don't touch me."
"You're bleeding."
"Did you read it, all of it?"
"No, just parts. Let me help you."
"You can't. Nobody can."
"Don't say that."
"Don't you get it?" Enraged eyes met him. "I gave up! I tried, I tried for so long not to give him what he wanted. I tried not to scream, I tried not to beg, I tried to keep cursing him, I tried to kill myself. He mutilated me, humiliated me, made me feel like I was an animal! And then tore my soul apart and tortured it for what felt like an eternity! HE WON!"
Ichigo moved to take hold of him, afraid he would hurt himself worse. Grimmjow fought his touch. He screamed to be let go, but hysteria was taking over, and the most violent of sobs shook him, he continued to scream into Ichigo's chest, raw emotion ripping out of him. They sank to the floor as Grimmjow became overwhelmed. Ichigo knelt, ever holding him, the white tile stained red around them. Orihime watched on, her mouth covered by her hands. And it didn't stop. The damn that had been broken refused to let up until his exhausted body could take no more and he went limp in Ichigo's arms.
Ichigo looked up to her and held her gaze for one second before bursting into tears himself.
Not a very holidy-happy chapter, lol, but I thought I should get one out while I could because I really don't know when I will be able to update again due to Christmas plans. So I will continue after the holidays, but for now, Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas to you all! And So pumped to have hit 100 reviews already, so if you get a chance I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks so much,
Riza.
