Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy
A/N - Dotted lines indicates character perspective change
A/N -Co written with Providence26
Chapter Eleven
It's been a month since we have been in New York, the hospital doesn't even compare to Seattle. I still haven't called Arizona but I have kept sending some pictures of our trip to her with only Sofia in it. Arizona continues to email regularly, just basic enquiries into our day and how we are, she has not mentioned the divorce papers, they are only short emails, more touching base than anything else. But still, I have not responded to some of her questions as I am trying to come to terms with everything. I have heard from Meredith, she let me know that Arizona has kept her word, she is still in therapy and started back to work part time after her suspension. I had been surprised to hear about the suspension, my heart broke for her a little when I heard about this, I knew it would have been painful for her to be away from her tiny humans. Meredith relayed that Derek has even come around to sit and talk with her, they were becoming friends as Arizona learned to open up and to be honest. She is still refusing to talk to Alex unless it is work related. It was nice emailing with Meredith, I never knew she really cared about anyone apart from Cristina, I guess being a mom has helped her come around. I have been keeping my promise of keeping an eye on Cristina too. Cris doesn't seem very happy here at all. The only one who seems happy would be Sofia. We cannot continue like this. I was off today and I know Cris will be home soon, I think we need to talk, reassess where we are. I will make some tacos for dinner, maybe after Sofia's bath we can talk over some wine and do some catching up with each other.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It has been a few weeks since Cris and I have spoken about being here. Neither of us are happy with the hospital. The doctors do not seem to be too friendly or the interns either for that matter. I haven't really made any friends nor has Cris. We are committed for another four months under our contract.
I was sitting in my office thinking about Arizona as she continued to email me. I know I need to make a decision about what I want to do. Infidelity is a hard one to come back from, the trust issue is the worst, of not knowing whether she would actually be working late or where she is, always wondering, second guessing if she is telling me the truth. Will I envision Arizona with her when we make love? It turns my stomach just thinking about it. I am going to call Arizona to see if I hear anything in her voice that tells me I shouldn't even consider another chance. God damn it! I hate that I still love her the way I do.
When I arrived home with Sofia I decided I would call Arizona before Cris returned.
After dinner and Sofia's bath I decided to make the call, actually hitting the buttons was another story. I sat there tossing my phone back and forth, knowing I just needed to step up to the plate. I dialed the number, my leg bounced up and down when it started to ring, then I heard, "Hello Callie."
As soon as I heard Arizona's voice I hung up the phone, my phone immediately starting ringing, I hit the ignore button as proceeded to shut my phone off. I just couldn't go through with it yet, I
wasn't as ready as I thought I might be. I put Sofia to bed, went to grab the bottle of wine and plopped down on the couch as tears rolled down my face and that was how Cristina found me.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have been sitting in front of my computer for what feels like hours now, trying to find a way to tell Callie that I am making progress, that I understand so much of my behavior. Today's session was brutal, I feel beaten and exposed, but this feeling came alongside revelations of deeply hidden motivations. Every time I discuss moments in my relationship with Callie I find myself internally cringing at my own behavior. Looking back, I am amazed that Callie took me back after the way I left her in the airport. I know we both have our faults, we have both failed in major ways, but I have never loved someone the way I love her. I am so deeply ashamed of what I have put her through. Her aborted phone call earlier gave me a hope that I hadn't lost my family for good.
It is from this dark place that I craft my latest email.
Dear Callie
I do not deserve a third chance from you. I have hurt and betrayed you too often to insult you by demanding one, by asking for your forgiveness.
That does not mean I don't want them.
If I thought for even half a second that you could forgive me, that we could move forward together, I would be down on my knees begging for that chance instantly.
I will be here anytime either of you need anything, the two of you are my girls, you will always be my girls.
I need you to know that I am sorry, so truly sorry for the way I have behaved since the crash, the ways I have pushed you away, belittled you, undermined any suggestions you have had. There are not words to describe to you how deeply ashamed I am of having broken my vows. It is hard for me to even look at myself in the mirror.
If you need to move on, if you cannot even entertain the idea of a future with me in it, then I will sign the papers.
But if there is even the smallest chance for us, the tiniest possibility that we can salvage what I have so systematically destroyed, then I humbly beg you to wait before filing the papers.
I need you to know that whatever I have done, I have never stopped loving you, even for a second.
Your Arizona
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The following morning I was awoken by smacks in the face from Sofia, wondering how she got into my bed I opened an eye to peek and saw Cristina standing in the doorway smiling. Sofia started yelling for me when she saw I was awake.
"Come on, Torres, coffee is on and I put some water and aspirin on your bedside table to take. Sofia and I are hungry, we're waiting for some breakfast."
"Alright Sofia, Mommy is getting up to feed us, Yang, come take Sofia for a minute so I can wash up."
"Here, take your coffee so you can get cooking, I am starving, Cal."
I took the aspirins with some water before I headed for the shower. I stood there letting the hot water run over my tired body thinking about what it is that I really want. After getting dressed for the day I headed out to make some breakfast.
I fed Sofia while Cris and I ate in silence, I was hoping she didn't bring up last night, but I was hoping in vain.
"So, Torres, are you going to tell me what all of last night was about?"
"Umm, I don't know really, I was at work thinking about Arizona, I know I need to make a decision on what I want. I hate it here that's for sure. Arizona said she wants to be Sofia's Momma, that she is getting help and is in a better place now. I thought I would call her, but when I heard her voice I just hung up. I'm afraid that I cannot or will never trust her, Cris. She never said she wanted me back or that she loves me, but she also has never mentioned the divorce papers either."
"Cal, it won't be easy but if you are going to try you have to give one hundred percent. You need to let her tell you her side, even when it hurts, perhaps especially when it hurts. Process it so you can move on with or without her. But don't give either of you false hope, that is the only advice I have for you. Your heart will tell you what to do."
While Cris played with Sofia I pulled my laptop out to check my email. I saw one from Arizona and read it. I looked at the date and time she sent it, it was right after I tried to call her. I need to do this, Cris is right, I need to make a decision about Arizona. We cannot have our lives in limbo. Sofia keeps asking for her Momma, I make sure she looks at pictures of Arizona while talking about her Momma, so Sofia doesn't forget.
I sat there tossing my phone back and forth, knowing I just needed to step up to the plate.
"Torres, make the call, see what she has to say then make a decision." I dialed the number, my leg bounced up and down when it started to ring, then I heard, "Callie, Callie are you there."
"Um, yeah, Arizona, it's me."
"I am so glad you called, are you alright? Is Sofia okay?"
"Slow down, Arizona, we're fine, Sofia is good, adjusting to daycare here. She just had her breakfast and is playing with Cristina." I didn't know how to start so I became quiet.
"Callie, are you there?"
"Yeah, I am here."
"Where are you? No one will tell me anything."
"We are in New York at Presbyterian Hospital."
"Wow, I guess you needed to get as far away as possible, huh?"
"At the time, yes."
"Can I talk with Sofia do you think?"
"Sure in a minute, I want to ask you something first, if that is okay?"
"Anything, Callie."
"Arizona are you still in therapy?"
"Yes."
"Are you still seeing her? Or anyone else since we left?"
"Oh God, no Callie, I have no interest in that." I let go of the deep breath I had been holding, I know Arizona heard, she paused before continuing, "I am so sorry for hurting you, I have never once stopped loving you through all this."
I knew what I wanted to really ask but didn't have nerve to yet.
"Alright, I will put you on speaker phone to Sofia now."
"You're on speaker now Arizona and Cris is here also."
"Hi Sofia, its Momma."
"Momma, Momma," Sofia was yelling looking all over for her.
"Sofia, look at the phone and listen to Momma."
When Arizona finished I heard her crying and took her off speaker phone, "Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I miss her Callie, and I miss you, I need to see her and hold her, please?" Arizona begged.
"Listen, I need to go, I will be in touch soon, maybe we could Skype? This way you could see her."
"Of course, whatever you want I will do, Callie, thank you so much for calling, you made my day."
We hung up on a good note but I still never received some of the answers that I am looking for. I decided it would be easier if I emailed Arizona, then when, and if, she responds positively, a phone call will be next. I waited a few days before putting my thoughts into an email for Arizona.
"So Torres, how did it go with Robbins?"
"As well as it could I guess. She is still getting help with everything, she seems to be in a better place, she became emotional once I took her off speaker phone. She is missing Sofia terribly it seems, but I didn't get all my questions answered either."
"Email her Cal, keep the lines open."
Dear Arizona,
I was glad to hear you're still in therapy and getting the help that you need. I have read your email from a few nights ago. I am so hurt with you that you chose to break your vows. I can forgive you for most of your behavior since the crash, because I believe after talking with Yang, and yes we discussed it all, that I could have a much better understanding of what you went through. I am not saying that I agree with the way it was done but I understand.
I am angry at myself for not seeing more of the signs or maybe I just couldn't bring myself to acknowledge them, so I know I am at fault as well. I want to give you one more chance, I really, really do, because I have never stopped loving you either. You left me over the kid issue, then left for Africa and now you've broken your vows. I don't know if I can ever trust you again.
I want to, God knows I want to, but I am scared to death to let you back in. I told you that when you came back from Africa. This time, most of my heart is shattered and I am not so sure it can be fully repaired, I am angry that you are the one responsible for it.
I don't have all the answers, but I would like to work through our marriage problems with you and see if we can still be a family. It will take a lot of hard work from both of us to make this work. We must communicate, be open to each other over everything, even if it hurts us. Let's set up a phone call in a couple of days to talk and we can make a decision from there about what we both want. No matter what happens, you are Sofia's momma.
Callie
