Chapter 11: Snow Holiday

A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. This is unbeta'd so apologies for any & all mistakes. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!

-Edward POV-

In the month since arriving home I have done nothing.

After Jasper picked Alice and I up we drove home in silence. I could hear in Jasper's thoughts how much he was suffering from my mood. I was suffering from heartbreak worse than any he had ever felt. Alice's pain and guilt added to his burden and it was so bad he couldn't even attempt to manipulate our mood.

Hearing my own emotions in Jasper's mind served to make me sadder. It reminded me again that I hadn't known Bella's thoughts and maybe if I had I would have known that it wasn't her that was in love with me. It was me needing her to love me. I wouldn't have hoped.

When we arrived back at the house everyone hugged me and told me how much they missed me. No-one commented on my crimson eyes. No one mentioned Bella. Not out loud. But all I could hear from a few miles out of the house was their concern for me and for her. Alice had explained what happened to Jasper before he left to pick us up. Jasper had explained to everyone else. They knew I was shattered and Bella was gone. I remained stoic through the greeting but didn't utter one word.

After everyone had said hello I pushed past them and walked to my room. I opened the door, stepped inside, pulled the door shut behind me and leaned against it breathing deep. I sat with my back against the door for five days straight without moving. I didn't want to touch a thing. Bella's smell was on every surface in the room and I didn't want to disturb it. So I sat in silence staring at everything that used to belong to me. It didn't anymore. Everything in this room. Everything I am, belongs to Bella now. Even though she doesn't want it.

I blocked out the thoughts of my family, until they turned towards Bella. Whenever anyone thought of her, I greedily turned my attention to them taking in every detail about their memory of her, their thoughts.

On the sixth day since being home Bella's scent was starting to fade. I could no longer smell it from my position so I moved. I turned on the stereo, cranking it up as loudly as I dared. I turned it onto repeat. I wanted to listen to whatever Bella had been listening to when she was last here. I didn't actually listen to the music. I didn't care what it was. I just wanted a connection to Bella. I knew it wasn't healthy. I knew my family were worried about it.

I moved onto the couch, curling up into a ball on it. I could smell Bella again from here, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before her scent faded.

And that's where I stayed for the next three weeks. Occasionally I would hear the door open but I would never acknowledge my visitors. I never even shifted my eyes in the direction of the door. I just stared at the wall. The CD had been played so much it was skipping constantly, but I couldn't care enough about it to make myself move.

I was so thirsty my throat burned. It was a constant ache. But I welcomed the pain. At least it was a feeling. It was something that I could use to prove to myself that Bella hadn't killed me when she left.

I heard the door open again. I ignored it like usual. Except this time I saw Alice filter into my periphery. I felt my eyes flick involuntarily to her and she seemed to take this as permission to stay. She knelt near my face and stoked my hair. "Edward, you need to hunt."

I shook my head.

"I don't know what Bella is doing," she said. I knew she was lying, she had regular visions of Bella surrounded by snow. I knew that because I treasured these visions. Seeing Bella walking in a field of white, brilliant rainbows reflecting from every inch of exposed skin over the snow and back again. She probably knew I knew she was lying but she was trying to make me feel better. "But wherever she is, she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself over her."

I shrugged. I couldn't see how Bella would care one way or the other and the pain of that cut through my being.

Alice clenched her fist in my hair and rested her head on top of it. "Please, Edward," She begged. "This is killing us all."

I didn't want to hurt my family. But I couldn't move. Bella's scent was so faint in this room now I had to concentrate to find it. If I left now I might not be able to find it again. It was my last remaining link to her.

No it wasn't. There was one other place where she had stamped her presence. Where we both had. Alice stood back, she had seen that I was about to move. I was out the window almost before I finished the thought. I ran straight towards the stream. As I was running I was assaulted by a scent which made the burn in my throat rip through me. I didn't know if it was human or animal. At the moment I was beyond thirsty and it wouldn't matter. It would be hot and wet and it would douse at least some of the flame.

I found the source of the scent in a tree close to where I first picked it up. I took down the lion down in one leap, and I drained it while I ran. I couldn't stop. Not when I had my destination so firm in my mind. I dropped the lion once I felt its heart stop beating.

Once I reached the stream I knew I had made a terrible mistake. This wasn't the place where I experienced heaven. I had done such an efficient job ripping out the roses that day no trace was left of them except a few decaying vines. This place held no beauty any more. This place held no love.

I threw myself onto the ground pressing my fingers into the dirt and gripping it tight. My hands compressed the dirt into tight balls of clay. I dropped them and started the process again. Then I pressed my face into the grass and curled my knees up underneath me. I screamed at the ground and pounded my fists into the earth. Pouring all of my anger and sorrow into the ground. Punishing it for not staying exactly how it was. Bella's presence should have been stamped so completely over this place. It should not be allowed to change. Ever.

I sobbed for hours before rolling onto my back and clawing my face. It was then that I noticed Alice standing a distance away, watching me with concern in her eyes. Once she saw that I realised she was there she closed some of the distance between us.

"Feeling better?" She asked.

Was I? I didn't really think so. I shook my head. "I don't know if I ever will."

I saw and heard the relief that flooded through her mind. Six little words seemed to have confirmed to her that although I might never be truly all right again I would at least be able to function. She took a few more steps closer, still worried about making a move that might send me running. "I don't want you to leave again, Edward."

I nodded, "I know."

"None of them do. They love you Edward. They want you to stay with us. But they do understand."

I nodded, "I know."

She closed the last of the distance between us and knelt next to me, staring into my face. "I know you won't be happy again, but please stay."

I nodded.

She stood and held out a hand to me, helping me from the ground. We walked back to the house at human speed. Her thoughts whirled as visions of the future settled as my decision to stay at home was firmed.

We entered the house through the back door. Alice gently rubbed my back to let me know she was there for me. I walked into the living room, shooting something that was as close to a smile as my face could manage at the rest of my family. Then I stalked over and sat on the couch. Everyone gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder before going back to their own tasks.

I couldn't promise I would be happy, I couldn't promise anything more than to be present. But I would stay. I was ready now.

*****

-Bella POV-

I hurtled myself forward from forest to forest always heading north. I swam through deep freezing lakes and streams. I ran. I ran for a week without stopping. I didn't know where I was going I just knew I need to go. I needed to get away from people. I couldn't allow myself to be subjected to the petty whims of other people.

I knew I was no longer in the US. It was getting colder, not that the temperature affected me but it meant I was getting into the more remote areas of the world. That was good. Here I could be my own person. I could work out what I wanted.

When I finally stopped running I was surrounded by white. There were no people or buildings or roads around for miles and miles. I walked openly in the daylight. The sun wasn't as bright here but the snow bounced it around so it would have been blinding if I was human it made my skin shimmer and I liked the sight. Now I knew I was alone I laid down on the snow.

The silence here was almost deafening in its absoluteness. I knew I had found the place I needed to be right now. I closed my eyes and allowed my desires to come to the surface. But all I could think of was Edward. I knew he needed to be loved, so I had loved him. But I was away from him now. I didn't need to feel that way anymore. I knew the only reason I did was because I had allowed myself to believe it so completely. I hadn't known about this ridiculous talent.

But what exactly was my talent? Alice seemed to know something about it but I couldn't go back there. Her desire for me to stay would make it hard to leave. I knew how much she wished for Edward and I to be together and with the family. I felt peoples desires. I could see them. Part of me felt compelled to fulfil those desires. Those wishes.

Be careful what you wish for.

The thought came to me randomly. If I could detect peoples wishes, that didn't mean I had to follow them. Now that I knew what I could do I could use it to help people...or hurt them. After all I had used the desires of those men in the bar to punish them, I just hadn't known it at the time.

Being alone with my thoughts wasn't helping me so I silenced them. I turned off every thought, every process and just existed. I lay there for three weeks with random thoughts popping up and each time I shut them down just as quickly. I couldn't understand why most of these thoughts were of Edward. Eventually I started to get a little thirsty, it was an uncomfortable fire in the back of my throat. I needed to move soon, to feed.

I stood and shook the snow that covered me off. I would hunt. I ran for miles, there was a smell nearby, not quite as appetising as humans but it would do to quench the thirst. I found a wolf pack and threw myself at them. I downed and drained two of them and let the others go.

I realised being alone wasn't helping me. I still didn't know what I wanted. I was still overtaken with feelings of what Edward wanted and what Alice wanted. To go to their house, to live with them. As a Cullen. As Edward's mate. But why did their needs hold such sway over me after three weeks by myself. I just couldn't understand it. I ran back south, back towards civilisation. After a few days of running I found myself in Anchorage in Alaska. It was day when I hit the town but the sun was covered by thick clouds so there wasn't any major risk of being detected.

I walked down the streets and started to panic. I had nothing. No change of clothes, no money, no ID. How could I function in the human world without these basics. I didn't even know where to go to get these basics. I couldn't even rent a room. I sat down on a park bench in a covered BBQ area. I put my head on my arms and cursed myself for being so stupid and coming back. I should have stayed up in my snow covered wonderland where it was so quiet I could hear every thought.

After a few hours I got the feeling of eyes staring at me. A few minutes later and someone patted me gently on the back.

"Bella?" A soft voice asked. The tones and infliction revealed that it was another vampire. I turned around, startled, because I didn't recognise the voice and yet they knew my name.

The vampire who stood before me was tall and statuesque. Her strawberry-blonde hair was set in a gorgeous mass of curls. But the thing that stood out to me immediately were her eyes. They were golden-brown. Like the Cullen's. She smiled warmly at me, "I'm Tanya."

I sat staring at her. I couldn't understand where she had come from or who she was. Or even whether she was a threat. Although if she was a threat she had the perfect opportunity to attack while I was distracted.

"Alice called me after she got a vision of you here. She thought you might need to talk."

"You know Alice?"

"The Cullens are like...family to us I guess you could say. They are the only other ones of our kind who share our lifestyle choice." She laughed, "Well parts of it anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"They're vegetarians too. But my sisters and I live a bit more wildly then they do." She paused, I could sense her need to help out Alice, she wanted to do it right. "See they're all paired up...for the most part," She avoided my eye when saying that. I knew who she was talking about. "My sisters and I...aren't. We enjoy the company of men. Many men." She raised her eyebrow at me.

I nodded, I understood what she was saying.

"Did you want to come back to our place, it's in Denali - a little way from here, we can talk more. If nothing else we might be able to give you clothes and some money until you can get yourself back on your feet."

What happened next was strange. I could see her need for me to accept. I could feel it with every part of me but I didn't have the urge to follow it that I did when I was with Edward or Alice. I could just as easily say no to Tanya as say yes. It must be because I know about my talent now.

"There is someone there who might be able to help you with your talent." She said in an urge to sway me. She must have felt my confusion but she'd misinterpreted it. I was happy to go with her, as she said at very least I could get some more clothes. I was just confused why I didn't feel compelled to go with her like I had before.

"It's alright, I want to come."

Tanya beamed at me. "That's great."

She led me to a car that was waiting at the edge of the park. She pulled open the back door and waited for me to climb in. She went around the other side. There were already two people in the car. Tanya turned to me once she was in the seat, "Bella. This is Irina and Kate."

They both smiled broadly and uttered hellos. I couldn't help but feel comfortable, which was strange considering I was in a car with three strange vampires who were driving me god knows where. But they were also a link to the Cullens.