Disclaimer: -facepalm-

AN: So here I am. As awesome as ever XD Btw, if there are any Hetalia fans out there who've checked out 'A Series of Quite Fortunate Events', please vote on my poll whether I should continue with it ^^ And thank you to soulef who corrected my French. ^^ On with the show…

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 11: Meet the Wammys

Light POV

Well, of all the things that could have happened, that was possibly one of the worst. I had expected something to go wrong and the icy atmosphere was predictable, but that… that was something else entirely.

I shall have to remind L to speak in Italian next time; I am the only member of my family that would be able to understand, and it is one of his first languages. I wouldn't have thought someone with such a genius as his would have forgotten that the majority of the Japanese population could understand English. Even my little sister caught most of the conversation, and she's bottom of all her classes.

But I have to say, it somewhat livened up a rather awkward evening.

If only my father hadn't banned me from seeing L ever again.


"Oi, Light!"

Despite having cleared things up with Beyond, his voice still made me flinch. "Yes, B?"

My raven haired senpai strode over to where I was standing with a triumphant grin plastered on his face. "How are we today, Lightbulb?"

I gritted my teeth against the pun. "Actually, Beyond, you seem to have made my life somewhat worse in the past twenty four hours."

"Moi?" The innocence in his voice was ruined by the glint in his scarlet eyes.

"Yes, toi."

"Well, I apologise for any inconvenience I could have caused, but was it really that bad?"

"I think you'll find it was, B, as my father has banned me from seeing L ever again."

Beyond deadpanned. "Pft, what he doesn't know can't hurt him."

I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. My father was a detective, I could hardly keep it from him that I had brought a dead rat into my bedroom to dissect when I was seven years old – a disgusting concept now – so I felt that having a forbidden relationship would be somewhat difficult to pull off. But this was Beyond Birthday: criminal mastermind extraordinaire. With his help, I could probably pull off being a mass murderer right under everyone's noses. After all, I was an excellent actor.

"Well I know we'll be with each other at school, but he's going to be monitoring my every move elsewhere."

"Never fear, young one, for the great Lord Beyond Birthday has taken it upon his awesome self to make sure that these two desperate lovers shall live forever in the happy tranquillity of each other's company and screw each other's brains out to their hearts content."

"Subtle, B, subtle."

"I know I am." He grinned that insane grin that sent shivers down the spine of anyone who dared look upon it, eyes flashing wildly with the prospect of yet another thrilling endeavour into the taboo.

"Just please don't break any laws."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, please don't break any other laws. I suppose you've already doomed yourself, but there's no point adding stuff like rape to your extensive list of crimes."

The pout on his face was far too innocent for a torturer/murderer/all around arse hole.

"Aw, come on, rape's not my style… unless they're really special… or drunk… and then it's not even rape-"

"B, please!"

"Okay, okay, leave it to me, sweet-cheeks; you've got tutoring later, right?"

"…Yes." I was reluctant to answer the growing smirk that sparkled dangerously in the florescent lights.

"Tell that weirdo glasses kid that practically humps your leg and calls you 'God' whenever he sees you-"

"You mean Mikami?"

"Whatever. Tell him that you're staying at his tonight, get changed into something absolutely fabulous – but not dry clean only, because seriously, some of the shit on L's floor is rather questionable and I wouldn't want you getting your best clothes ruined if things got a bit steamy – and come here at the usual time, got it?"

I blinked, completely stumped as to what on earth was being planned, and quietly terrified that my life was spiralling out of my control and into that of a possible future axe-serial-killer.

"Good. Just leave the rest to me! Just call me the awesome cupid!"

With that, Beyond span on his heel and galloped away. I say galloped, for it was not unlike a frightened gazelle; he even had the nervous leg convulsions... maybe it was drugs hacking away at his system – which would explain a lot – or it could have been excitement at the prospect of doing something illegal… With him, I never could be sure.

I was left in the middle of the corridor with a dreadfully retarded look on my face. Swallowing the lump that had slowly developed in my throat throughout the duration of our conversation, I made my way into my next lesson, worryingly ignorant of what was about to unfold.


I was to learn quickly that Beyond Birthday had kidnapped before. Whether it was the way Mikami seemed to disappear without a trace from the pavement in front of me in the time it took for me to glance behind at a passing cyclist, or the skilful sweep of his hand over my face, or the generous amounts of Chloroform that invaded my windpipe that alerted me to this fact, it is undeniable.

The basics of his plan were explained to me while I was still in a muggy haze from waking up on the Wammy's house hall floor. I had been kidnapped and brought here and my parents still thought I was spending the night at Mikami's. His parents, I was assured, would remain silent about the truth of the situation for fear of losing their son forever.

This information barely entered my dozing brain and I still had no idea where Mikami was at this point. Somewhere in my conscience, a tiny voice of concern rang out, but I quickly doused it, remembering just how little I cared for his fate.

I opened my eyes into a bright light. This was quickly blocked from my view as two large grey orbs swathed my vision.

Something about them was familiar, and I looked deeper to find what I knew was there. What I had been searching for every morning and basking in whenever the sunlight flooded through the windows of our class room. That tiny spark of life that feigned indifference but revealed so much intelligence and creativity…

But all I found was flat boredom. A dull barrier to the outside world that betrayed no emotion, and I knew that these weren't L's eyes that I was staring up into.

"Well done, Beyond, you have succeeded in retrieving the target alive. For a second there, I thought we were going to have to explain to L why his boyfriend was lying dead in the middle of the hall."

I vaguely recognised the voice, but from where I wasn't sure, so I remained motionless, searching for anything that would give away L or B's presence. As he had been addressed in the stranger's monologue, I presumed that the red-eyed psychopath was there, but it was yet more voices I could not place that I heard next.

"Aw, B, you could've at least roughed him up a bit!" This one was louder than the first, despite being further away, and I could sense all of the emotions flowing freely out of his words.

"And what exactly would that have achieved?" The one above me spoke again, his voice matching those eyes perfectly. The lifeless tone hiding his true thoughts from the world, his unblinking expression calm and collected.

"It would have achieved more than your mother did last night! Way!"

"Mihael, you know as well as I do that none of us have mothers, so would you please refrain from using such childish, inappropriate come-backs because you are too stupid to form real arguments backed up by wit and purpose."

"Pwned." Another voice drifted over to my ears, seemingly uninterested. My anxiety was growing by the second. I had no idea who these people were, and one of them seemed intent on my destruction.

"S-shut up, Matt!

"Is that the best you could think of? Come now, Mello, use a little imagination!" At last, someone I knew. I had never been so relieved to hear that maniacal laughter in all my life.

"Stay out of this, B, it's between me and albino boy over there!" The second, stronger voice screeched. "Speaking of whom, I think we better find L a new boy toy, Neary-baby has got his eye on this one."

I was still quite disconcerted by the proximity of this 'Neary-baby' and strained my head backwards against the rough carpet to find where Beyond was standing.

"Look at him: he's eying him up like a brand new robot toy."

"Fair point. Lay off him a bit, Near, the poor boy's gonna be traumatised." I could hear B, but my sight wouldn't reach far enough back and all I could see was a tobacco yellow-tinted ceiling.

"Yeah, anyone'd be traumatised waking up to that ugly face."

"At least I'm not so insecure about myself as to lash out at everyone I envy with curt little remarks that hold no substance."

There was a silence that was only broken by a strangled stutter.

"Clutching at straws, Mihael, clutching at straws."

I felt a weight being lifted from my torso as a streak of black and white raced past my vision.

"Calm down, you two, we have a guest in the house."

I was finally free to sit up and the first thing I saw was an irate blonde with his lips curled up into a startling snarl and one fist raised, straddling a small mass of white fluff.

"Scheisskopf! I'll rip your bloody albino teeth out, you fucking sheep!"

There were two things I learnt from this experience: One – Wammy's boys were brilliant multi-linguists due to the fact that they all came from different countries. Two – never, ever get on the wrong side of an angry, hormonal blonde, especially this angry, hormonal blonde.

Unfortunately, I quickly became aware of the fact that it is rather easy to get on the wrong side of this particular specimen.

"Is anyone going to tell me what the fuck is going on?"

And with that, my life was doomed as I met two bright blue eyes glistening with rage.

"Stay out of our business, you poncy Japanese twat! I'm busy!"

I had obviously directed my question at the wrong person, so I turned to Beyond, who was chuckling away quite happily at the bottom of a flight of stairs. At least, I presumed there were stairs under there, and not just a large pile of dirty laundry, food containers, maps and cardboard boxes that they had thoughtfully set a banister against to access the higher floor. Had it only been two and a half days since I was last here? If they can make that much mess in that amount of time, I'm screwed...

B appeared to have turned his full attention on me again, still sitting what now seemed to be vulnerably next to the two fighting teenagers.

"Indeed, we must show at least a little decorum, what would Roger think?" The whole hall seemed to explode in laughter, all sharing a private joke, one which I was miffed – to say the least – about being excluded from.

"Family, assemble!" B clapped his hands and the world seemed to whirl around me. Flashes of black, white, yellow and red rushed in and out of my vision until the picture before me settled into four extremely… different looking teenage boys standing in a line across the door I recognised from my last visit. I stood, taking in the array of clothing, stances and expressions.

Before I could gain my bearings, the one I had previously angered stepped forward with a rather flamboyant bow and a dangerous glare fixed on his face. "Good day to you, Reisigbündel, my name is Mihael Keehl, otherwise known as Mello." He raised a pointed finger and jabbed at my chest. "And don't you forget it!" I chose not to engage in his threatening eye contact, in favour of evaluating his attire.

Black leather.

Very tight black leather that left little to the imagination.

He was a good two inches shorter than me, and judging from his immature behaviour, he must have been in the last year of Middle School at most, but he was dressed like a hooker.

Quite an appealing hooker – if you were into that sort of thing – but a hooker nonetheless. He had a lithe figure with pronounced hipbones, and the contrast of the shiny black material against his pale skin gave the impression that he would have been more suited to a private strip club in LA than a Japanese suburb.

"L-Light Yagami, pleased to meet y-"

"Yes, yes, we know who you are, dumbass."

I was taken aback by his discourtesy and gave Beyond a pointed look of disgust, which was met by a devilish grin in response.

"Now, now, Mello, let the others say their piece."

With a huff, the blonde backed into line.

"Yeah whatever, I'm Matt, or Mail Jeevas or whatever the hell you want to call me, pleased to meet you and all that bullshit, now can I please get back to my DS?"

I nearly missed the words that came from a decidedly bored looking red head wearing a black and white striped long sleeved shirt who glared at the wall to his right and twiddled his leather gloved thumbs. What is it with this household and leather?

The image of the floor of one of the bedrooms I looked into the other day flickered into my mind's eye and I gritted my teeth to quench it. That must have been Mello's…

By the time my attention returned to the red head, Matt, he was reaching into a door that branched off from the hall to my right. When he returned, he shifted a pair of orange goggles over his eyes from where they had been dangling about his neck and had his nose firmly pointed at the small screen of a games console. Before long, weak electronic noises: beeps and tiny explosions were being emitted from it.

A quiet cough alerted my attention to the remaining boy in the line, the one who had been leering at me as I awoke. He had white hair which he twirled a lock of with one finger and white skin, which blended with his white shirt and pale jeans. He looked like a ghost.

"I am Nate River. You may call me Near. I apologise for my brothers' behaviour, they are somewhat immature."

"Says the fucking pussy that still plays with toys!" I was to also quickly learn that there was some sort of sibling rivalry between Mello and Near. "Why don't you go fuck a Barbie doll? Oh wait, sorry, I meant Action Man, Tunte."

"I hardly think that the abuse of sexuality is a valid argument in your case, Mihael."

"Hey, at least I admit I'm gay and don't just pretend I'm not interested in anyone and sneak off into a dark corner to get kicks from yaoi manga."

"Pwned." I was beginning to think that that was the only word Matt was willing to say without looking like he was being forced to do so.

After a few seconds of awkward silence in which Mello and Matt shared a triumphant smirk and Near silently stared at the blonde, B clapped his hands together again and grabbed everyone's attention.

"I'm so glad everyone's getting along so well! Princess, would you like a drink?" I could've smacked Beyond right there and then, had there not been three of his brothers ready to assist him and one of them looking ready to fight me without provocation anyway. And the fact that I was piss scared of B alone to begin with…

"Princess? Ha!" As I had feared, Mello had latched onto the degrading nickname and in that moment I loathed the scarlet-eyed raven with every fibre of my being.

Now you've started something, you bloody idiot…


"So, princess, what makes you think you're good enough for our Lawli, then?"

I inwardly cringed at the interrogation I was facing.

We had relocated to the living room – not that anyone was capable of living in the pig-sty that looked out onto the busy road outside – and I was currently sitting opposite the four Wammys and being stared down by each of them. B with an evil grin dancing on the edges of his lips, Near with a flat intensity, Mello with a glare that would have had me wetting myself had I been alone with the leather-clad teenager and Matt glancing up from his game at me every so often with a cynical expression; although it was hard to tell when his eyes were veiled by the orange glass of his goggles.

"What do you mean; what makes me think I'm good enough? I'm Light Yagami." That should have been obvious. I, Prince of perfection, with my devilishly good looks and faultless exam scores. Unfortunately, I had momentarily forgotten that these were the Wammys. Unbeaten at every single subject and – as much as I hated to admit it – all naturally gorgeous in a quirky way. I loathed them as much as admired them for being able to look like super models without seeming to lift a finger and fly through school as if the answers came to them in the wind as soon as they laid eyes on the papers.

"I mean, you're an obnoxious brat who doesn't deserve to lick the shit off L's shoes, so what makes you think we're gonna let you court him with your superficial 'I'm-so-awesome-I'd-fuck-myself-if-it-were-possible' crap."

I think it was safe to say that Mello hadn't warmed to me.

Beyond wasn't helping the matter either, merely sniggering when his younger brother made an especially cutting stab at my ego.

"Mihael, I think it would be best to calm down and think of how L feels." Near seemed to be the only sane – ish – one present. He remained balanced and composed throughout, the polar opposite of the fiery blonde beside him.

"I say we test him." Matt hadn't said much during our little interview, but when he did offer his input, I decided I preferred his silence.

B, however, seemed to be lapping it up. His smirk broadened at the red-head's words and his scarlet eyes seemed to flame, similar, yet somehow managing to be completely different to the way which Mello's azure orbs seemed to flash with an icy look of cold, sadistic pleasure at the same time.

"I agree, mein Liebling."

I was prepared. I readied my mind for whatever they threw at me. I wasn't number one student in Japan – current company excluded – for no reason. Maths equations, scientific proofs, biological facts, anything their brilliant minds could conjure up, I could beat away with my equally skilled intellect.

"Translation!"

Fuck. I'm doomed.

Of all the subjects in the world, they had to choose the one that they all had a ridiculous advantage over me in. There was no way in hell they were going to give me nice, simple sentences that I was likely to know, they were scheming little devils who would most probably toss colloquial phrases and words that only insiders would have the need to know at me.

"Ready, princess?"

I hated the way Mello's lips curled upwards, revealing a row of glistening white teeth in a similar fashion to Beyond Birthday's 'I am now going to do something utterly delightful to your body, unfortunately, that delight will be felt by me alone and will most probably cause you a lot of pain' look.

"Let's start with something simple, shall we? A warm up or sorts: Ich schwöre, Offizier, dachte ich, er war achtzehn."

I searched my brain for all the German I had ever cared to learn. I… swear? Officer… I thought… he was eighteen…

"I swear, Officer, I thought he was eighteen."

My cheeks flushed slightly as what I had just said registered in my mind.

"Gut! Gut! Now then, Matty?"

Said boy smiled from ear to ear, crinkling his freckled cheeks into two dimples. " Il semble que j'ai un gode coince* dans le trou du cul."

The innocent image was shattered as I pieced together what he said. I seem to have… something… something in my arse? I have a… something… stuck up my arse… hole?

"I seem to have… something stuck up my arse hole?"

"Un gode. You have un gode stuck up your arse hole."

"I don't know what that is."

Beyond was spluttering away in my peripheral vision, the others all knew the answer, and it killed me to admit there was something I didn't know.

"A dildo."

"Oh." I had presumed it was something along those perverted lines.

"So translate the whole sentence."

"What?"

Matt's innocuous smile turned into a lop-sided smirk. "Now that you know the individual words, say the sentence."

Once again, my face flushed with colour and I coughed into my hand slightly. "I seem to have a… dildo stuck up my arse hole."

Their laughter beat down on me. I was being utterly humiliated and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

"Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ." B blurted out.

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ." He repeated, slightly slower this time.

I wished he had chosen Italian, that was one of my favourite languages. But alas, fate had not looked kindly upon me in that moment, and Beyond was a malicious bastard.

Luckily, I had started learning Russian after hearing that L was fluent in it when I had first met him. Unfortunately, I had quickly found it to be incredibly difficult, and slowed my study as the years went on, so my knowledge of it was quite basic.

I heard the word 'mother'… and… 'shower'? I think… Something about my mother in the shower… What? Sometimes I… my mother in the shower?

"Sometimes I… something… my mother in the shower?"

I received a small nod and a hum from the raven. "I'm impressed, I didn't think you'd get that much."

I raised my nose a few centimetres in victory, but I was quickly humbled by Mello's questioning eyebrow raise. "The only thing you achieve from doing that is having your nasal hair viewed."

I take good care of my nasal hair. It shouldn't be visible.

"Anyway, you give up on the sentence?"

"Um…" I wracked my brains but found no translation for the mystery couple of words Beyond had said. "I give up."

"I wank over."

I could've face palmed. How did I not guess it was going to be that?

"So go on then."

I gritted my teeth. "Sometimes, I wank over my mother in the shower."

The only thing I wanted to do in that moment was crawl under a rock and hide from the world forever, but I feared if I didn't humour them, I would not make it out of this place alive.

"And now, we've left the best till last!" Mello's eyes widened and almost sang out in glee. "Light Yagami, prepare to be completely humiliated!"

As if I haven't been enough already…

Matt patted the table for a drum roll.

"Neary-baby, take it away!"

The small albino cleared his throat and some part of me was aching curious to find out where he was from.

"Fyrirgefðu, ég er ekki svona hallandi, ég vil frekar mikið heitt maður kynlíf með mörgum frænkur mínar, kannski þú gætir tekið þátt í einhvern tíma? Því meira sem merrier."

...Well, that was unexpected.

I hadn't the faintest idea what he had just said. Hell, I didn't even know what language that was.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know what that means?"

Three faces lit up in triumphant grins and for the first time since meeting him, I saw Near smile. It was tiny, barely noticeable, but it was there.

"Nice one, Schaf! Put it there!" Mello stretched out an open hand to Near, obviously awaiting a high-five, and the white-haired boy reluctantly lifted his parallel, the look on his face remaining indifferent, but when observed closer, a small twitch of his lips gave him away. He wanted Mello to like him.

I was glad that the two could get along, even a little bit – and at my expense. But when Near reached forward to meet his palm, he dodged and slapped him across the cheek.

In that moment, I decided that I hated Mihael Keehl.

Still laughing, said blonde turned to Matt and winked. The gamer seemed to be sharing an amused look with him, one that had nothing to do with the dejected looking boy sitting beside them.

"So, what language was that?"

Near answered, still rubbing his cheek. "Icelandic."

"Oh." No wonder I couldn't decipher it. "So what did it mean?"

"Here."

He grabbed a nearby pencil and a page torn from a notebook that were previously hidden by all the other rubbish littering the table we were sitting at. He scribbled something down and slid it across to me.

This recaptured Mello and Matt's attention and the four boys followed the note with their eyes.

Somewhat unnerved by the sneaky glanced between the blonde and the red head, I looked down at what was written.

And proceeded to screw it up.

"Say it." Near said.

"No!"

"Say it."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be hilarious, that's why!" Mello rolled his eyes.

I had no other choice; he looked ready to disembowel me. So taking a deep breath, I read the translation out loud.

"I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins. Maybe you could join sometime? The more the merrier."

And then the world exploded.

Each laugh, each scoff, each shuddering breath they drew pierced my heart. Not only did I have to undergo the humiliation of not knowing something, but I also had to say those disgusting things out loud. But I was a fool to think it could get any worse.

Mello and Matt shared another amused look and the blonde lowered his chin and glared at me through his eyelashes, grin still firmly pulling the edges of his lips upwards.

Matt leaned up and whispered something in B's ear. I caught the occasional word in French and was immediately suspicious. My apprehension spiked when both Beyond's eyes and smile grew.

Near smiled again.

"So, Light?" Mello leant backwards and spread his arms over Matt and Near's shoulders. "You got loads of Facebook friends, I presume. I mean, a popular guy like you, everyone would wanna be a follower of the almighty Light Yagami, gorgeous hunk of genius man meat that you are."

I nodded, ignoring the sarcasm pouring out of his voice in waves.

There was a knowing silence, only interrupted by the occasional sound from an electrical device in Matt's hands; I hadn't even noticed when his DS had been replaced.

Then his bored voice sounded. "Ore-sama is God one two three?"

I froze.

"Really Light? I would have thought someone as intelligent as you would have a more creative password. Or a quote from 'Lollypop Luxury'."

It didn't register in my head that I had no idea what that was. The only thing I could think was shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit…

How the hell did he get my password?

"Fuck me~ I'm a celebrity~ Can't take your eyes off me~ I make you wanna fuck me just to get somewhere~" Mello's singing induced a new wave of laughter to erupt from the Wammys.

"I wonder what they'll all think of your delightful confessions." Matt lifted the contraption in his hands so that the screen was in my face. Before my vision was covered, though, I saw the tiny black microphone attached.

It took a couple of seconds for my eyes to adjust to the bright white pixels so close, but when they did I wished I hadn't seen. At least then I could live in blissful ignorance of what was about to ruin my image, and consequently my life.

There, on my Facebook wall, were three MP3 files. I didn't need to hear them to know what they were, but Matt seemed to think that I hadn't suffered enough already and pressed 'play' on the first one.

"I seem to have a… dildo stuck up my arse hole."

And the next one.

"Sometimes I wank over my mother in the shower."

And the next one.

"I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins. Maybe you could join in sometime? The more the merrier."

Some part of me clung to the hope that people would realise this was a set up. I mean, come on, who would say that and be recorded without having been forced to?

But that hope quickly died with the realisation that all of my 'friends' were retarded.

Shit.

Translations:

Scheisskopf = Shit head. (Spelt right this time ^^)

Reisigbündel = Faggot

Tunte = Fag

Mein Liebling = my dear/favourite/sweet/you get the idea… :P

Ich schwöre, Offizier, dachte ich, er war achtzehn = I swear, Officer, I thought he was eighteen.

Gut = good

Il semble que j'ai un gode coince (* Sorry, guys, I can't get an accent on here :() dans le trou du cul. = I seem to have a dildo stuck up my arse hole (Oh, Matty 8D)

Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ. = Sometimes I wank over my mother in the shower.

IFyrirgefðu, ég er ekki svona hallandi, ég vil frekar mikið heitt maður kynlíf með mörgum frænkur mínar, kannski þú gætir tekið þátt í einhvern tíma? Því meira sem merrier. = I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins, maybe you could join in sometime? The more the merrier.

Schaf = sheep

AN: All of the lovely phrases courtesy of Google Translator. (Except Scheisskopf, that's a personal favourite of mine :P) I apologise for any mistakes made. I don't know why, but I've always seen Near as Icelandic. Sorry about the lack of L in this chapter, he's back in the next one. And just to warn you all, you may need to have your nose-tissues at the ready for some citrusy goodness! 8D

Reviews make me happy. Happiness makes me write. Writing produces lovely, succulent lemons. ^^