Thank you for the reviews and follows. It is very much appreciated.
I admit I struggled with the chapter. I've re-written it 3 times and I'm still not 100% with it but if I don't post it then I'll keep tinkering with it, maybe even re-write it again and I won't be able to get on with where this is going.
Laura's flat was not what he was expecting although he wasn't sure what he had expected. It was homely. It was open plan but each space had a different colour scheme which made it feel like they were separate. The living room was lilac with a feature wall of black covered with flicks of paint to make it look like stars. The kitchen was white with a feature wall of lime covered by hand painted gold swirls. He caught a look at her bedroom it was white with the wall behind the bed a deep Navy blue. It was clean but there was clutter everywhere. Books on just about every surface. There were a lot of framed paintings which didn't seem to be of anything they were just colours with thick black lines separating each section. Her living room had a black L-shaped sofa. There were bean bags and foot rest dotted around. Her desk was in the living room. A simple metal frame with a glass top facing the starry wall with a laptop and several thick files piled up to the height of the desk next to it.
"You haven't got a TV." It had struck him as very odd.
"It's in the bedroom… Go on look I know you're dying to." She stated pottering about in the kitchen.
The TV was on the wall with a set of massive speakers either side of a glass fronted cabinet filled with DVD's on one side and CD's on the other. He didn't recognise half the albums and some of the DVD's were in foreign languages. He looked around at the room, there was a walk-in wardrobe to the side and a door to what he assumed was an en suite. There were more drawings on the wall, there was another desk under the window covered in bottles, paint brushes, various boxes of art materials and three A3 bound sketch pads and 8 or so A4 sketch pads lying in a pile on the floor. There was another open on the desk. He walked over. Laura was the artist. They were her paintings on the walls.
"Done snooping?" She asked holding out a steaming mug of sweet tea.
"I didn't know that you paint."
"Despite how much time we've spent together, you don't know very much about me. Which is how it's meant to be." He followed her into the living room.
"Should I lie down on the couch?" He joked feeling nervous for some reason.
"You can sit on my couch Ste." She said rolling her eyes. He sat down, placing his mug on a small wooden coaster on top of a pile of books to the side of the sofa.
"Where do you want to start?" He asked unsure. He had wanted somewhere different but now he was there he missed familiar surroundings.
"Stealing my lines." She smiled and he relaxed a little. She sat on one of the foot stools facing him.
He needed a pointer, so way of knowing what he was meant to be talking about. She always told him to just talk and see where that lead but this wasn't like then.
"How about we work out what triggered your 'step back'."
"I told you he rejected me." He didn't want to talk about it now he was faced with it. He wasn't on the come down, he wasn't bleeding, and he wasn't breaking into pieces so he didn't want to go back to feeling that way.
"So your reaction is to go and get high as a kite because some bloke rejects you. It wasn't about that."
"Really? Then why don't you enlighten me then."
"You're going through a rough patch."
"Rough patch? My life has been one long rough patch or did you forget?"
"Ste don't…" She sighed.
"Don't what? Come on you've got all the answers tell me."
"Don't get aggressive because you're feeling threatened. I'm not a threat to you. I'm not going to use what I know against you because I wouldn't. I would never do that."
"Oh because you're so much better than me is that it?"
"Ste."
"What?" He snapped.
"I don't think I'm better than you."
"You think you're so sorted."
"Will you just stop it? Seriously stop throwing shit at me because you're terrified of what I'm going to say."
"I'm not scared." He was. He was scared out of his mind.
She sat back and shook her head, sighing.
"You're scared that I'll say something and you'll realise its true and it'll hurt so you're trying to get in the first hit. You're trying to push me away, you're trying to make me get angry so you have an excuse to walk out that door and go on another bender. Because that's all your waiting for, one excuse to fall back into the pit because it's so much easier there than fighting for what you want but you and I both know that you won't be able to stay there because for one you don't want to be there, two you've been there and already got out because you hated it and three you couldn't bare to lose your children."
"Don't bring them into this." He felt calmer though.
"They're part of your life. And you're a good father. Now can we sort this out or are you going to go and see your dealer?"
"I don't have to listen to you. This is my life. You don't get to tell me what to do. You sit in that chair and give me the 'I know you' act but you don't know me. You don't know anything. You don't know what's like."
"My Dad was a drug dealer, a major one." He stared at her. She never told him about herself. She always kept the sessions about him.
"I grew up around thugs, violence and drugs. My mother died when I was 13, I sat at her bedside while I watched the life drain out of her. I fought to become my Dad's right hand because I wanted to be around him and if I wasn't part of that world there would always be that block between us. I became a thug. I had people hurt on my orders. I dealt drugs to anyone who had the money. I was a fucking bitch to everyone because I had to be. Show no weakness because that way no one could get to me." He found himself sitting down, captivated in horror.
"I met Sean in a club. He was there with his uni mates and I was there to knee cap the owner of the club for kicking out our dealers earlier in the night. I saw him and I thought, Jesus the things I could do to that. He bought me a drink while my guys put a man in hospital. Somehow we ended up seeing each other, it worked." She shrugged. "He proposed while we sat at a bus stop eating chips while it pissed down with rain. I wanted to be with him and the rest of it didn't matter so I cut ties with my Dad and everyone and I thought that I'd left it all behind because I knew I couldn't have both. But I should have known that it couldn't last." She shook her head and smiled sadly before taking a deep breath.
"The guy that I had put in hospital, he got brain damage. His son came after me. He was going to kill me but Sean stepped in. Got a knife in the gut for his trouble. See when you asked me if I wished it had been me, I do. I wish it because it's what I deserve. It was me that caused all that. It was my fault that the man I loved died." She looked down at her hands before looking him straight in the eye.
"I went on the biggest drug binge. I took anything and everything I could get my hands on. I ended up overdosing. I found myself on the floor of my flat covered in vomit with my heart beating so slowly I thought that it was going to give out and I have never been so scared in all my life. I lay there and I realised that that wasn't how I wanted to end my life. So when I didn't die, I cold turkey'd myself in my flat. I was a full blown addict and I only realised when I'm clawed the skin off my arms and legs because I needed something so badly but I didn't give in because I knew Sean wouldn't want me to. I picked myself up, decided I wanted to do something with my life. Joey, this lad that used to deal for my Dad went into rehab and he asked me to visit him. I went and I saw what the councillors did and I realised that that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people so it wouldn't be so hard for them. I thought I was good at it too, so good I thought that I could fix everyone I worked with." She rolled her eyes and shook her head again.
"Emily was a 15 year old prostitute she had been abused all her life until she had run onto the streets I worked with her and I thought we were getting there, thought that I had fixed her but I went in one day and she had hung herself. I had a relapse, a bad one and it was only when I woke up in hospital that I realised that I couldn't stay clean for Sean, for the memory of the man I loved who I got killed and I couldn't use Emily as an excuse for my relapse because the truth was that I chose to take those drugs. I went through counselling. And I learned that I could only stay clean for me and that I couldn't use Sean or Emily or my mum or my dad as an excuse because it was all on me, it was my choice." She paused and opened her arms out. A gesture which he read to say 'go on judge me'.
He thought about everything she said. About everything she had been though. He knew that she understood. He had known that when he had first met her and nothing she had done had ever suggested to him that she was judging him and now he understood why. She had been where he had been. She had put herself there just as he knew he had. She hadn't been able to cope just as he hadn't been able to cope so she had gone to drugs as a way out of the pain just as he had.
Brendan wasn't dead though. But she had always told him that it didn't matter because he was still separated from his lover. Death or a thousand miles, it should feel different but it didn't because it meant the same thing except for that he had hope. Hope that one day Brendan would get out and they'd get what they had had back. But he was terrified of being alone until then because he knew that it might not happen. That anything could happen to Brendan on the inside, anything could happen to him on the outside. They might not ever get a second chance, a third… He couldn't keep track of how many chances they had had. How many times something had gone wrong.
"You say you're in control of your life, that you make the choices and you do. How you deal with everything you have been through is up to you but you can't use it as an excuse every time things go wrong and you can't keep thinking that getting in the first hit is going to protect you because if you keep thinking that everything good in your life is going to turn to shit then it will because you'll make it turn to shit just to prove you were right."
He was sabotaging himself. He knew he was because he felt so guilty for living his life that he didn't want anything good to happen to him. He only let good things happen for other people. Tony, Amy the kids, but then he'd do anything for them, anything to make sure they were happy and healthy.
"You're in pain, you're scared and you're pushing everyone away because you don't think you can take another hit right now and that's fine Ste, but don't ever think that it won't get better because you've already proven to yourself that you can get your life back and you've shown me you want to keep what you have. You are strong Ste and you can do this. Don't use anyone as an excuse when you fall off the wagon because you were waiting for an excuse. You chose to fall off."
He looked down and bit his lip before looking back up. Knowing that she was right. He had chosen to use excuses instead of taking responsibility for his actions. It was so much easier to blame everyone else and use excuses.
"What got nothing to say?" She asked. He didn't blame her for expecting him to give her shit but he couldn't. She had confessed to him. Trusted him with a dark past. She had trusted him just like he had trusted her but now it felt cleaner somehow.
"I… I am scared. I'm scared that I'll feel like this forever, but I want to feel this way because if I don't then I have to admit that it's over. That as long as I feel this way I'm not forgetting him or forgetting what we had. If I stop feeling this way then it's over isn't it? I still love him. I miss him. I want him here with me. And if I start… If I start going out with someone I'll letting go of part of what we had because I'd had to. I'd have to loosen the grip. I went with other people in the past. I did it in the past to hurt him. I went with other people to prove a point, to show him that I didn't need him. I was so angry at him for not being who I needed him to be. For not being able to admit who he was for me. For punching me. For making me feel like nothing. But he was always there then. Even when we weren't together he was there looking out for me. Even when I was being a bastard to him. But then he changed and all that stuff, I let it go as much as I could because I had to so that we could be together and I wanted that more than I wanted to be angry with him… I don't want to let him go but he let me go. And I know that he was letting me go for the right reasons but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like he's sacrificing himself for me and I don't deserve that. I'm not worth that. He sacrificed his freedom for his sister but… He sacrificed his happiness for me. And I can't take that. I can't take it that he's in a cell, tortured by all that shit and I'm not there. I should be there with him. He should be here with me. I need him here with me so I can do this. I just… I fucking really need him and I can't have him and it's tearing me apart. I'd give up everything, everything to be with him again just once, just a few minutes, a few fucking seconds to just hold him, kiss him and tell him that I love him but he won't let me because he knows that if he lets me see him I won't be able to stop, that he won't be able to stop because this thing between us, it's more than either of us and…" He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "But I can't live like this. I've tried. I can't keep being angry with him, I'm so tired of it but at least if I'm angry or acting out because of him. He's still part of my life. But all the stuff he said to me, all the stuff he did to me it just runs through my head making me doubt if he ever felt the way I do. I'm scared that with all that time on his hands he'll remember me the way I am, the stubborn brat who chucked everything because of my pride. That he'll stop loving me, that if he ever does get out he won't come and get me. He'll leave me where I am because he won't want me anymore. I'm scared that if he does come for me and he sees that I have a life that he'll think that I don't need him anymore. That I don't love him anymore and he'll leave without even talking to me, just leave me to my life and I can't… I can't... But I'm so fucking lonely." He thought he had the tears under control but he didn't. Laura wrapped her arms around him and he clung to her long after the tears had past.
He woke up on a sofa, face mashed into a cushion with a blanket covering him. He was confused for a moment then realised he was in Laura's flat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time it was almost half nine.
There was a note on the coffee table.
Ste,
Left you to sleep because you needed it. I've got a meeting in Chester. I left the spare set of keys so you can lock up because I know you have to go to work. You can give me them back later.
Laura.
He had to get back to the flat and get changed for his shift. He walked back through the village. He looked at the deli, it had been his it wasn't anymore.
He walked in.
"Walk of shame?" John-Paul asked throwing him off balance.
"Er no. Doug can I have a word?"
"Sure." Making no effort to move from behind the counter.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been a complete twat to be around. I don't want to lose you as a friend and I'm sorry that I've been pushing you away."
"A night in the bed of a good looking man does wonders." He was trying to build a bridge and John-Paul was trying to make him lose his temper.
"Oh just fuck off would you?"
"That didn't last long." He gritted his teeth because he didn't want to let John-Paul win.
"Look, I'm sorry alright. And for your information I spent the night at Laura's."
"Is everything ok?" Doug asked immediately.
"Yeah just needed to sort some stuff out. I better go."
"Any time you need to talk Ste I'm here."
"Thanks, I'll see you later."
He walked quickly home to get changed he rattled around the flat listening to the silence. He picked up a note pad from the side and started to write.
Dear Brendan…
He scribbled it out and tried again.
Brendan,
There was so much to say. So much he wanted to say. So many things that he should tell him. Even more that he shouldn't.
You thought I'd be alright without you, that I could live without you.
He knew where that was going. Guilt trip a man in prison? With only concrete for company. He shook his head and scrunched up the paper.
I love you. Always have since… so long. Possibly not the first time we met because knocking me out wasn't the best introduction.
That wasn't right. Remind him of the violence of their relationship.
I don't know what you saw in me. A council estate rat, a chancer. Blackmailer. I guess it was that I was only blackmailing you for the sake of my kids. I suppose it was pity.
It was never pity. They had never been about pity. Never. They had been about acceptance. He had accepted Brendan and Brendan had accepted him. Acceptance that neither of them were exactly pin up's as examples of good men but they were trying their best. Trying to get through, trying to get through their pasts and become something better, someone better.
You had me at our first kiss.
He had been scared out of his mind but he had wanted Brendan even if Brendan didn't want him. He wanted him so he had gone for it. He remembered the fear, the excitement. He remembered the rejection, the panic. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn't gone for it. He smiled somehow he didn't think it would matter. They would have found a way.
I didn't always like you.
He had never hated him, come close but he hadn't. He'd been scared of him. But even when the beatings had been at their worst he had never hated him. Would have been so much easier if he had.
I can't remember what it was like without you in my head.
Brendan wasn't in control of him. He had controlled his actions for a time but he had never really been in control of his feelings.
He remembered Dublin and how happy he had been. How they had finally made it. Finally gotten to where they wanted to be together on the bridge. For all their struggles they had gotten to a place where they could be together. He remember what it felt like when Brendan confessed he loved him and this time they were equals. There was no control, no fear. Just two men finally getting what they had wanted for so long.
He started again.
Brendan,
I'll never find anyone who understands me the way you do.
I'll never find anyone who I love as much as you.
But I can't live on hope. I can't live hoping that one day you'll walk through the day and we'll be able to pick up where we left off even if it's all I want. I have to let go of that hope and that doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore because that's just not true. I love you but I can't live my life alone. I'm not giving up on us, on you. I just can't be happy alone. I need someone in my life and that doesn't mean that I'll take anyone, not anymore.
And I'm not replacing you because no one could ever replace you. I have to stop being angry at you because I know you were doing what you had to for someone you love, that doesn't mean that I can forgive you for choosing her over me. But you would have taken a bullet for me, I suppose it was just her turn, you had to take the bullet for her. I wish things were different but I can't wish my life away.
I need to be a good Dad and the person I am right now isn't a good Dad. I do things that could end up hurting my kids and you know that I would do anything to stop that happening.
I need to let go, but that doesn't mean I'm letting go. I… I know now that it's not the same. I realise that now.
I'm living my life and you'll always be a part of my life, I'm not forgetting you. I'm not because I couldn't. I can't forget what we had, what we could have had but I can't keep waiting for it to happen because it's not going to is it. Not for a long time, if at all.
I love you Brendan and as soon as you get out I want you to find me. I want you to come and see me because there is nothing that you could do, nothing that could happen that would ever make me not want you.
I'm just doing what I have to do to get through this because if I let this hurt this way, if I keep feeling this way I'll never be the person that I want to be for my kids. I'll never be what I want to be.
I'm sorry that I have to do this. I'm sorry I'm not stronger, that I can't live my life alone and be happy. But I can't do that, it's not who I am.
This is my last letter to you, not that you read them anyway. I have sent my last visitors request, no that you let me visit.
Please be safe and please don't let being in there change you. Remember you are a good man.
I love you
Ste.
He placed it in an envelope and wrote the address he had memorised with the addition of Please read this, for me on the back. He posted it on the way to work.
Authors note: Right time to come clean. I had another few chapters planned out for this but I've realised that my pacing is off. The next chapter is going to get through what those would have covered but it's going to move the story on quite a bit... If you're sticking with this, thank you for staying with me, the payoff is coming. Seven years is good enough to serve for murder isn't it?
