Chapter 10 - Commander of Hedgehogs

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"ENJOY THOSE RULE34 PICTURES OF ERZA AS LONG AS YOU CAN, CAUSE YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO NEW JERSEY."

He looked up to me with an ambiguous stare, the confusion in his face was apparent due to my 'special' move.

"K-K-Kamui!" (AN: Author's Note - Minipa, Please review subscribe and send me pictures of your bobs and vagene. THINK OF COMBO BREAKER)

In his jimmily rustled state, Jellal could do nothing as the portal closed around him, the blue-haired pervert vanishing without a trace.

Now it is time.


I could only imagine the looks on their faces when they find out Jellal disappeared.

Or maybe not, I mean he was being sort of a cunt with that slavery thing…

Regardless of their feelings, I'm sure they will be very surprised.

Anyways, time to GOO!

Lettuce leaf! Get it? Let us leave? Yeah I totally ripped that one off the internet by the way - just like all of my political opinions *ahem Liberals.

Now, which direction was Fairy Tail again? Don't really feel like using the SJW book of getting-offended; it's better off if I just find my own way.

Might as well explore the shithole.

I mean, there's got to be some interesting things right? Mashima world built pretty much jack diddly squat - even in Fiore. They didn't even talk about the other countries of Ishgar until the movie 'dragon cry.' Whatever I find though, I'm sure it will be dank as fuck.

What should I ride on this this time?

Should I ride on your mom? Nah, won't fit in the air. I feel like flying a Fiat Multipla so might as well try that.

Get me a flying fiat!

The ugliest abomination the human race has ever called an automobile descended upon me, its wheels glittering with atrocity as the windows reflected humanity's sins into my eyes. The hood was an unholy combination of metals; truly the most heinous personification of all that is horrible.

You know what they say! Beauty is on the inside! By they I mean ugly people.

So I get into the car, and realize that it was manual. Oh shit, I can't drive manual, I'm literally a faggot.

Instruction manuals please.

A tiny little book plopped on my hands; instead of an explanation on how to drive manual however, the entire book was empty except for the title page, which said 'fucking casual.'

Figures.

Whatever, I'll just start it.

As the car began moving, I drove it straight forward and plunged it off the cliff.

'…'

I fell straight into the water at terminal velocity and my car exploded into a million pieces. Seriously, what did you expect was going to happen? I mean I did fly, I just flew downward.


As I made it to land, I stumbled across a weird looking forest.

Wait, what about the water, how did I get past it?

Easy, I rode on a ship made of overused jokes and reposted memes that were never even funny the 1st time. Just kidding, I summoned the powers of Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze Senju Uchiha and made a bridge from all the girls in his harem. All of them pretty much willingly obliged when they heard they could be of help to their 'Naruto-kun.' They need Jesus.

Pretty sure I need Jesus.

Anyways, wit al the power of a bed grammer stoy, I SHALL CONTINU!

Tell me to my face you can read a story that sounds like that sentence and put 'OMG UPDATTE MY DICK IS HARD AS FUCK FOR YOUR LACK OF LETTERS' in the reviews.

As I walked into the forest, I noticed an overwhelming presence of unfamiliar territory all around. It felt as if, hundreds of eyes were all watching me. At least I hope so, I can't even get a single pair of eyes to look at my dog face back in real life.

*Cluck

What?

*Cluck *Cluck

Is somebody clicking their tongue?

*Cluck *Cluck *Cluck *Cluck *Cluck

Okay, whoever is doing that is getting real bloody close. And frankly, I'm not interested in finding out… They could be dogs, trap listeners who can't understand anything other than unintelligible rabble in music then proceed to constantly call it lit, or EVEN *Extreme shudder, AMERICAN FEMINISTS. OH NO… wait, I identify as a helicopter they can't do shit.

*Cluck

With one final click, one deeper than the rest, all the sounds simply stopped. The silence was deafening until I heard a loud rustle to the bushes in front.

Out of all the things, this was something I did NOT expect. What appeared to be some sort of giant yellow hedgehog was standing in front of me. It had the most autistic look on its face since the time of COD players. Some sort of sickly sweet smile that promised pain to all who dared to offend it was there for all to see. Weirdly, it had the words 'Gaztons The Commander' written on its stomach.

Right away, hundreds of smaller rustles resounded from all around me. With them, smaller red and blue versions of the magnificent beast came storming into the forest clearing. All with similar looks on their faces.

"Um…*cluck?"

I have no idea why the fuck I just did that.

"Hi-"

"Do you know da wae?" One of the red hedgehogs questioned.

"The fuck is 'da wae', it sounds like some sort crack-"

"HE DOES NOT KNOW DA WAE"

Oh shit.

"SPIT ON HIM, MY BRUDDAHS."

Wait no. KAMUI PLEASE.

"ACCHHH - PTOO," "AAACCHKKKK - PTTOOEY," "PTOO"…

OH GOD IT'S IN MY FUCKING EYES.

WHY IS KAMUI NOT WORKING

What the actual fuck was this place? Jesus Christ if Fiore had this tribe of whatever the fuck, that means they were in Mashima's world building notes. Oh for those of you OC writers that means notes of your magic and shit that you write before the actual story. NOW YOU KNOW.

"YES I KNOW DA WAE!" My desperate shouts seemed to halt all the spitting, fortunately only some actually got onto me otherwise I would have killed myself.

All the smaller hedgehogs looked up to their 'leader?' before looking back at me.

"Do not spit, we must pray for dis one." The monstrous yellow creature turned abruptly before running into the forest with its arms flailing behind its back.

Well shit, what the fuck is da wae ehniwae?

Following the beast of mental illness, I ended up in a clearing with a temple-like structure decorated with hundreds of carvings resembling their species.

I sincerely hope I am not getting sacrificed…TO THE LORD AND SAVIOUR DONALD TRUMP.

As we arrived to the a platform, Gaztons turned towards me, where even more of the hedgehogs were behind.

"This is a sacred ritual in Uganda that will bring good harvests. We must not make mistakes or there will be no good raids, understood?"

"Sureee?

Oh no.

"ahhhhhhhhHHhhhHhhhHHHhHHH-" a weird chant resounded all across the temple, its pitch slowly getting higher and higher.

OH NO.

"ahhHHHHhHHHHhhhHHHHHHhHHhHHH-" more and more of the hedgehogs joined in, its pitch getting higher still.

O H N O.

"AHHHHhHHHHHHHHhhHHHHHHHHHHHH-" what seemed like some sort of autistic cacophony blasted my ears; my IQ slowly getting lower and lower.

"I C-CAN'T…S-STAND IT!" There was nothing I could do, I feel as if my ability to teleport and use my powers were completely sapped by this satanic chanting.

KAMUI JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.

With a swirling vortex, I was gone.


As I came to, I realized I was underneath some sort of large oak tree.

Holy hell, that was a doozy! Fuck hedgehogs man.

"Where the fuck am I?" I need some alcohol.

Vodka please.

A nice big 1L bottle of Ciroc appeared in front of me. With no hesitation, I popped its cap off prepared to down its contents.

Oh wait, I need to dump Jellal at Fairy Tail first.

Standing up, I looked around the area to figure out where I was; conveniently, it was in Magnolia.

Easy peezy lemon squeezy hehe xd lmao :)

Okay that was gay as fuck, sorry.

As I teleported to the guild, I peaked through the windows to see if Erza was actually in there. The familiar tuft of red hair accompanied by a steel plate body and plate skirt answered my question.

Hehe.

Kamui, take Jellal out, oh and do it - bondage style.

A swirling vortex combined with golden portals came to life in front, and with it, the familiar blue-haired dick cheese dropped onto the floor.

"Sup m8." I greeted nonchalantly.

"MMmmMMM-MMmM." Despite the angry mage's effort, he could only make muffling sounds and flop around like he's having a seizure.

Yeah I ship Jerza, take my tide pods away and force me to just survive and not live in this endless existential torment why don't you.

This was the only way, in canon, Jellal was some depressed snowflake drunk on guilt and Erza was like fuck your feelings just fuck me.

Giving an evil look to the bound mage just around the corner, I knocked on the door and called out.

"HEY! MENSTRATION HEAD, REMEMBER ME? YEAH YOU DO, KILL YOURSELF PLEASE."

Almost instantaneously, frantic foot steps clattered loudly as the sounds approached the doors.

The door opened with such force that you could practically hear the animosity.

Of course, I ran around the corner just in time for her to begin chase.

This should set up canon nicely.

I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and wrote 'Enjoy - Minipa,' before making my way to where I hid Jellal.

Patting the piece of paper on the still struggling mage's head, I hid behind a nearby stack of random garbage.

Wait what are these papers? 'Kai's Dragon Slayer Chronicles?' No wonder its in the garbage…WAIT I JUST TOUCHED IT.

As soon as Erza turned, she made the most shocking face known to man, her face and hair was no longer distinguishable from one another as she immediately picked up my little present and ran into the sunset.

"MMMMFMMMFMFMFMF," terrified blue eyes met mine as my victim disappeared into the distance.

Well shit. Anyways, time for Vodka.

Glugluglugluglug…

In seconds, I downed the entire bottle of Slavic goodness.

*Plop

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Chapter 10 Done! Next Chapter: 3-Year Drunken Hiatus

Make sure you guys check out my other stories!

Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!

[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]

[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]

[Chef Ramsay]

[A God's Redemption]

[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]

Minipa, out!