AN: Hey everyone! It's been forever, I know and I am terribly sorry! At first it was the whole, 'IDK what to write for the next chapter' thing, then it was, 'oooh I like this idea, but it seems kinda stupid' then it was, 'GAH! I really have no idea what to write for this stinking chapter!' until finally it turned into full blown writers block...and oh how I loath writers block...worse than the plauge (and that's saying something!)
Needless to say, mixed with the ever present writers block, life also got super hectic and out of wack, so yea. I know its a lame, overused excuse, but it's the truth!
Anyways, here is your chapter, I hope you enjoy it and please lend me your thoughts. I know it's a stretch asking for reviews since this story has been untouched for months, but, hey, I really would like to hear what you guys think.
Note: This entire chapter is from Katara's Point of View!
So please, enjoy!
So many dormant feelings stirred when I pressed my lips to his. At that moment, I was no longer Anaya, the brave orphaned waterbender turned assassin who had been sent to protect the Fire Lord. No, at that exact moment, I was Katara once more. I was hungry for his love, craving the warmth of his touch, desiring the softness of his breath against my flesh. I was that love struck child, so foolish and naïve, craving nothing but his affections. At that moment, it was as if nothing had ever changed between us. And for those few first blissful moments, it was as if things had truly worked out and all was as it should be.
But something deep within me took hold of my flustered heart, forcing its erratic beating to simmer into a deadpanned tempo. My eyes once closed in the throes of passion, slid open, locking solely on the closed lids that hid that penetrable golden gaze. For years this was all I had ever dreamt of, to be here in this exact moment…but as myself, not as a false guise. I was no longer that fourteen year old child who had fallen clumsily in love with an enemy turned friend. I was a woman of twenty one years, I should know by now that this, this isn't right, let alone productive.
Ashamed I slowly pulled away, the taste of cinnamon and sandalwood lingered on my parted lips. I watched from my position on the bed as his eyes focused on me, confusion swirling in golden pools. For the briefest moment I cursed myself for withdrawing, and yet, I felt assured that it was the right thing to do. Zuko couldn't love me, at least not this version of me.
"I'm suddenly very exhausted," I muttered my excuse softly, not wanting to divulge my real reasons, "besides," slowly I shifted to one side of the bed, slipping from under his body, "you have the meeting with the Earth King's representatives in the morning."
A soft growl escaped his lips as he fell over on his side, his gaze boring into my own. For a moment he just ran his eyes over my face, confusion ever present by the crease of his brow and the frown on his lips. If he wished to argue or canter what had just occurred, he kept silent, not daring to say a word to me about the situation. Hopefully, he would slip into slumber and tomorrow will be here sooner rather than later.
With a quick snap of his fingers, the room was cast into darkness, the sudden absence of his warmth caressing my body ever evident. Sighing I turned on my side, pulling the sheets up over and around me, trying to create a cocoon of sorts to keep my barely covered body warm. It was then that I felt something smoldering press up against my back, heat seeping through my thin silk robe. A heavy weight stretched across my side and pressed against the flat of my stomach, pulling me closer to the source of the heat. I couldn't bite back a soft chuckle as I felt his head rest near mine. I could feel his breath tickling the back of my exposed neck. We were spooning. Lovely.
"Good night Zuko," I whispered, my hand instinctively covering his as it rested on my stomach.
Half muttering, his response made my heart drop, "Good night Katara."
It had been at least an hour after he had fallen asleep that I found myself still wide awake. During which time I had turned in his embrace, our faces mere inches apart. I ran his last sentence in my head, over and over again, trying to wrap my mind around it. He had called by my name, my real name, perhaps unbeknownst to him, but he called me Katara. A small amount of something bubbled in the pit of my stomach. Did this mean that he thought of me often? I know getting my hopes up on a few words mumbled under the influence of sleep deprivation didn't mean too much, but the very thought of my name leaving his lips…it made my heart flutter.
I felt foolish yet again, thinking of such things only stirred the most dormant of demons and lately, it's been the demons of my past that I've been trying to avoid. Subconsciously throughout the whole hour I had been chewing vigorously at my lower lip, mulling over everything.
For the next hour I tried to sleep, I had tossed and turned, but to no avail. Sleep was being elusive and there was no point in continuing the charade of lying here with a man that obviously wouldn't miss the warmth of my body or not. Even mentioning that to myself caused a small pang of hurt to course through me. Of course he would notice my absence, but not enough to stir from a much needed slumber.
Fumbling my way out of his bed, I made sure my sash was fastened securely around my waist, tucking the robe around my form in a more appropriate manner. With a soft sigh, I slowly padded across the room, my fingers gingerly grazing the knob of the door. Risking one last glance over my shoulder, I slid through the doorway, leaving a slumbering Zuko behind.
With the slow depressant walk of a woman who had nothing, I kept my head down as I walked through the empty corridors of the west wing, my mind reeling on many things. In the matter of moments everything I strived to gain, everything that I had bottled away and kept locked up from the world seemed to suddenly overwhelm me in ways that I dare not reencounter. It was depressing somewhat, to know that I could never return to my life as Katara. I had hurt so many people, my friends, my family. I had turned my back on them and the world when I was needed most and all for what?
Because my heart was broken by a childish crush?
But deep down, even I knew the love I had for Zuko was anything but childish. And some say that it was the reason I had disappeared in the first place. Which I won't lie to myself. Part of our break up accounted for my actions, but another part of my disappearing act was by the lack thoughtfulness on my father's part, the absence of support from my friends and the growing agitation that seemed to dwell within me. I was hurt and angry and at the time, disappearing seemed to be the only option I had left.
It would be a lie if I said I did not miss my friends and family, or the life I once shared with them all. But it would also be a lie if I were to say that I didn't like the lifestyle and the friends I have now. I envy both paths, but I know I cannot have them both. It is either one or the other and I've always found myself warring against myself trying to determine what path was right for me.
As I continued down the hall a door creaked open across the way from me and instantly my senses kicked in. My eyes bore into the darkness of the room, only a small amount of light filtered in from a window and I could make out dust particles dancing around it the lit air. Shifting my gaze from either end of the hall, I approached apprehensively towards the room, my fingers itching with anticipation. As I entered though, all sensations of hostility dissolved and I found myself surrounded by a familiar air. With courage enough to face even the most dangerous of enemies, I stalked towards the windows, ripping the curtains apart and forcing the glass frames open, allowing the pure moonlight to seep into the room.
Dust, everywhere there was dust coating the surfaces of every chair and bedpost. Even the old porcelain water basin was coated with inches of dust. No one had entered this room in years. I felt my heart wrench as I came across an elegant mirror, its reflective surface marred by a thick coating of grime. But it wasn't the filth that covered the mirror that made my heart ache, it was the thick, bold cracks that emitted from the core, stretching out like snakes across the glass.
My fingers ran along the grooves, the cuts seemed so fresh, yet I knew it had been years ago when this incident occurred. With a swipe of my hand, I removed a portion of the dirt from the mirror that stood adjacent to my face, seeing my shattered reflection in each of the shards. I could feel the anguish and the betrayal seeping from each crack and yet, I pondered on who had done this and why. As I stood, gazing at the remnants of my old room, I noticed that everything had been left exactly as I had left it. In fact, even the note I had left Zuko the night of my departure remained unfolded on the bed table. It was a mausoleum.
Curiously, I approached the letter, my eyes scanning my hurried handwriting and I could tell, not only because I was the one who had wrote it in the first place, that I was gravely shaken by the misfortunes that had steered our relationship into the ground. It was with a soft smile of pity that I read over my note that I had written almost four years ago. My handwriting seemed like it belonged to a child.
Zuko,
These past few years that you have blessed me with have been beyond expectation. We've overcome so much together and yet, when all seemed like things were finally turning in our favor, reality set in.
Ever since your coronation and the public announcement was made that we were in fact a couple, people have been trying to separate us. Fire cannot exist where there is water and water cannot exist where there is fire. Our elements are natural opposites, enemies in every way and people believe that we simply cannot survive together, if our natural elements try to destroy the one another.
Writing this letter to you, without even giving you a proper goodbye is tearing me apart, but this is something that has to be done. I cannot tell you the reasoning behind my departure, only know this, your council is finally getting what they have so long strived for.
I recently learned of Lady Mai's return to the palace and I want you to know that you have my blessings. She is a wonderful woman, elegant and graceful, wise beyond her years and she is trained the ways of Fire Nation politics and etiquette. She will be a wonderful wife and an even more wonderful Fire Lady. She will win the hearts of your council when I could not and she will have the strength and the support of the people whereas I did not.
Your relationship with Lady Mai will be far less strained and will require minimal fighting, if any with the old men of council and parliament. Whereas our relationship required day to day battles most resulted in the destruction of many ornate tapestries and the firing of several members of your council.
It has been brought to my attention that our relationship has put much pressure on you and has left people questioning you as a leader. This is something I never desired. Nor will I allow it to continue. I will not stand in the way of you and your throne, Zuko. I cannot. So please, do not beg of me to do so. And if you read this and think that I never was, then you were far more blinded by our relationship than I.
I wish peace to your troubled heart and wish you and Lady Mai the best of luck in the years that follow. I would be glad to write saying that I would visit often or be present at more of the worldly faction meetings, but I cannot and will not. For it would be too much to bear.
I love you, Zuko. Even though I am pulling myself from the equation, please know that of all things, I love you more than anything and that is why I am doing this. My love for you is great and will transcend lifetimes, but I cannot be the cause of the unrest in your nation and I will not, by La I will not allow you to give everything you've strived so hard to achieve, up. I will not be selfish, no matter how much I wish to be.
So, with all that said, I bid you farewell and wish you many prosperous years, for both you and Lady Mai.
With all my love,
Katara
It was so hard to relive that moment, I could see my seventeen year old self weeping over the parchment as I sat hunched over writing this letter. I remember every tear that was shed, every new start I would make until I finally settled on this letter. La knows how many times I had to restart, how many failures I had made in trying to convey my message without seeming entirely broken.
But the moment was short lived when I heard someone enter the room behind me, their voice was barely an audible whisper, "You aren't suppose to be in here," I turned to see the outline of a man standing in the doorway, the light from the hall casting a shadow over his face.
"I'm sorry," I muttered, stepping away from the small bed table, making my way over towards the door, "the door was open and curiosity got the better of me," I admitted softly.
A soft chuckle emitted from the shadowed man, his golden gaze was all I could make out as I inched closer, "Curiosity is what killed the komodo chicken you know," his voice was familiar, and as he entered the room with a small vase, I pondered on who he could be.
"What is that?" I asked abruptly as he approached the small bed table that I had just abandoned.
For a moment he was silent, placing the vase down with careful precision, before turning to me, allowing me to see the contents. A brilliant, lone blue ocean lily leaned against the mouth of the vase, it's peddles were flaked in white speckles and I felt my breath leave my lungs.
"The Fire Lord ordered years ago that every Rìyàorì we are to replace the Ocean Lily with a freshly cut one, to keep her memory alive in this place," it was then as he stepped out of the shadows of the room, did I realize who the servant was.
"Kito?" I asked softly. I hadn't seen him since I rescued him my first official day here in the Fire Nation Royal Palace.
He chuckled, escorting me out of the room silently, "No, Master Katara of the Southern Water Tribe," my brow arched incredulously as I watched him lock the door behind him, "but yes, it is nice to see you as well," he bowed his head to me gracefully.
"So this room, it once belonged to Master Katara?" I asked, trying to keep suspicions low.
He nodded his head slowly as we began to walk away from the sealed room, "Indeed. It belonged to her when she lived here," he paused briefly, "though, I hate to admit it, but, it feels…uncomfortable to enter her room when she is no longer present."
I was curious, "Why do you say that?"
For a moment he was silent, his gaze shifted to the floor as we continued our pace, "It's just that…Master Katara has been gone for several years, disappeared even. To me, her room here feels like a tomb and it's hard for our master to let go of the past."
"Why does he have a fresh ocean lily placed in her room every week?"
He smiled softly, turning his golden gaze to my own, "Isn't it obvious?" I shook my head lightly, watching as his smile turned into a soft, playful smirk, "He hasn't gotten over her yet."
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