Chapter Eleven: Yesterday's Memories

It wasn't that Squall Leonhart feared death anymore, only the moment that it became a reality. Maybe he felt there was so much left unfinished, this wasn't the life he was destined to live; for that reason this was not the death he was supposed to endure. Maybe death was supposed to occur in battle, maybe within the solitude of the years, but never by the cowardice of an unnamed, faceless assassin. That is what made this much more bitter - it was all the what could-have-beens, should-have-beens, those demons he lived with every day.

But this was how his future was written, and this was how it would end.

Though ironically, in some twisted fate, this was the death he deserved - cowardice, sudden, and most importantly, without a resolution. If he could just resign himself to those facts, maybe he would see the beautiful tragedy of his mortality.

"Squall, damn it look at me!"

The commander heard the words in his head... at most it was echoed sound void of meaning. He had to regain focus, if not for his own will, but for duty bound obligations towards his friends.

His friends…

Maybe he wasn't as alone as he had first believed; then someone should explain this empty cancer spreading throughout his body? Squall at least had to convince himself that his comrade was safe. Maybe Zell had been hit again, or maybe he had been hiding the full extent of the initial injury. God knew Squall would, if the places had been reversed..

The commander vividly recalled witnessing the bullet's damage. He could recall the seemingly endless blood flowing from Zell's wound. Had there really been that much blood or was it his mind trying to fill in an empty canvas? The commander wasn't positive what was real and what had been stored memories to other's pain. They were not his friends, they were nameless, faceless numbers – ironic giving the situation. He had been responsible for so much more than this; now the bloodstains on his clothes represented a piece of his own victim's mortality. His vision grew faint and reality was growing hazier with each moment that passed. But he could remember the blood covering him, covering Zell...

Squall Leonhart could never forget the blood. Ever.

"Zell you were hit..." he managed to rasp out, trying forcefully to deny the pain that was slowly numbing his mind and senses. "Zell... you're..."

"Yeah, I'll be fine," his friend interrupted, not out of rudeness, but with the urgency to tell him. Zell knew he had already told the commander this, but somehow Squall needed reassurance under the circumstances. The martial artist understood that his friend needed to know that he would be all right, that was just the type of person he was. The need wasn't as Balamb's Commander, or Zell's superior, but born only from the concern of a friendship that the martial artist valued like a cherished possession.

Zell, tried to smile through his fear. "It's just my shoulder, going hurt like a son of a bitch tomorrow man, but I'll manage."

"Yeah... I'm sure... you always do," Squall tried to laugh, though he found himself drowning in the taste of blood. Everything around him was growing more surreal. His eyes lost focus as the scene around him swirled in a heavenly glow. The bitter liquid was the only thing he could smell or taste, it overpowered his senses; the former knight felt like he was drowning beneath the metallic stench.

Squall Leonhart had felt lost desperateness only once before - the paralleled memories surfaced like a torrent storm surge. Time compression. Both were a state of confusion, a fleeting mental awareness that would soon escape him. Only this time, it was accompanied by the sharp sting of the bullet's unremitting grasp.

He had done a thousand things wrong in his life and each and every one seemed to magnify tenfold in his eyes. He could see them all, the pain, the suffering, the death, all the heartache he had caused, rather than endured.

"Tell her goodbye for me..."

There was no need for explanation, Zell knew exactly who he was talking about. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, this isn't how his friend's story was supposed to end. And he sure as hell wasn't going to let his commander, his friend, talk like this.

"No way man... you know how she gets. You're not-" Zell lost all composure letting his emotional barricade crumble to dust. He held his hand over Squall's wounds applying pressure. He ignored the blood flowing from his own wound; it was all a makeshift triage, where the doctor and the patient were one and the same.

"Squall, listen to me... I mean it. Damn it! You're not going to tell her goodbye, I'm not going to tell her goodbye for you... I won't. It's not goodbye!"

Zell continued, in vain, to cover Squall's seeping wound. The thick liquid began to pool within the crevices of his own fingers. Zell himself was feeling lightheaded, he didn't know if it was the blood loss from his arm, or the fear of losing his friend that kept him lucid. Whatever it was, it was a drive stemming from the fear of uncertainty.

Squall found himself lost in an ocean of memories, he couldn't tell what was what anymore; he could barely remember where he was. Hell, if you asked him what his name was - he couldn't be one hundred percent sure of that either. The only thing he knew was what he was leaving behind... the figure he saw when he closed his eyes, the memories and feelings he still harbored. Those were the memories that were the clearest, those where the ones he would hold onto until the final breath escaped his lungs. Maybe for one second he thought he wasn't alone, because as long as he held the memories, she would be there.

"Stay with me, Squall! Help will be here soon!"

The commander vaguely heard the voice register... he knew its familiarity, closeness. At the same time it sounded like a far off echo, almost unworldly. Was the voice in a far off room, or was he just dreaming? He couldn't remember. He couldn't hear anything anymore. Maybe that was good. He couldn't think for the life of him what he would want to hear right now. Who was he again?

Somehow he didn't matter, because there were strong feelings still there. Pictures, memories. Her. He wasn't alone... he had her

"Damn it listen to me, Squall!"

God that faint voice annoying, he just wanted to sleep. He felt that if he could just sleep, everything would seem right – he felt as if he would belong somewhere. But somehow this damned echoing voice kept him from his dreams... why the hell didn't it just shut up?

The voice made him think, he didn't want to think. Was it male, female... human? Was it her? The one he was vaguely picturing. Rinoa. That was the name. No, it wasn't her. She wasn't there, where was she? Somehow he didn't feel right, she should be here...

"Where's Rin...?" Squall tried to manage. Through the moment of clarity, he was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

"Squall... she's not..."

He knew that didn't sound right, it didn't feel right. She had to be. God she had to be... he forced his eyes open, even if it was the last thing he would will himself to do. He looked up to his comrade, his friend, and realized... she really wasn't there. It all came back for a moment, and he wished to God it hadn't. But this was his last chance, and something inside of him knew that. Maybe he had been a coward before, hell, for most of his life, at least when it came to anything personal. The mask he wore in battle was far from the façade he wore in life.

If the fallen knight had to choke out the words drowning beneath his own blood - he would. Maybe it was more for his own shattered delusions than anything. Maybe in his last few moments he was still being the selfish bastard he had come to believe he was; he closed his eyes willing the right words to come.

In those final moments, he always believed that he would see a barrage of images flooding his mind, see everything from his life pass before his eyes - a kaleidoscope of memories. But there was nothing, no images, no family moments in his mind, nothing but a lifetime of regret and a feeling that took more life from him than any manmade bullet could steal.

"Tell her... I love her... I'm..." he gasped. His eyelids fluttered shut, fighting against the darkness he was desperately losing to. "Her... goodbye."


Outside a light mist of rain blanketed the evening sky, inside it was warm and inviting, but Rinoa could still feel a chill running through her veins. The bistro was quaint, with red and white traditional checkered table clothes. Real fabric she had noted, not the vinyl covered imitations used in a lot of restaurants. Under the right circumstances this place could be considered romantic, but 'these' were not those circumstances, and she just thought of it as nuisance. It wasn't as if the company she had was unbearable, in fact Zone could be quite endearing. It was just she had rather be home, or at the office, or anywhere that didn't include polite conversation.

Rinoa had dreaded going since her call at lunch. Honestly, her anxiety was rather unfounded. She had every right, she was going with her best friend, and most of all - it was a much deserved break from work. Still, she found the task daunting and looked at it as such – a task. Nothing more, nothing less. A few hours earlier she had contemplated this evening so much, that it actually made her physically ill. She hadn't felt well the last few hours, in fact, downright awful. She even had to lie down momentarily, as her body and will felt completely drained. Barely making it over to her sofa before she collapsed, she had to shoo Angelo down - the canine begrudgingly yielded her spot.

The young sorceress must have fallen asleep, as she woke up about an hour later feeling rather refreshed. She chalked the whole incident up to nerves, again nerves about what she didn't comprehend. Finally she went back to her desk, trying to remember exactly where she had left off – basically anything to take her mind away from her life at the moment. It hadn't been more than another thirty minutes when Zone arrived from the train station, and as promised, forced her to go out for late dinner.

Not even bothering to change from her work clothes, she left with him; it was just a simple dinner after all – not a date. While she wasn't dressed up, the young woman still fit in perfectly with the semi-casual atmosphere. Walking into the restaurant, all she could think was how out of place she felt anymore. Rinoa Heartilly used to be one who rarely felt that way, even in the most uncomfortable situations.

So tonight she had made the resolve to smile and joke, to laugh and tease. To any bystander she was that young teenager with a carefree spirit. Yet the stark reality was, under the layers she was lost within herself, especially tonight. Even now she found herself absorbed in her own thoughts and was trying to desperately regain her balance.

She noticed that Zone was giving her a blank stare, which did not surprise her. She hadn't been the greatest company tonight and he was trying so hard. She forced a smile and reached for her glass of wine. At least the food and drink had been excellent; she could definitely give him credit on his choice in restaurants. Just as she set her glass back to the table a loud hollow 'pop' filled the room. While most of the other patrons ignored, or merely glanced, at the sound of a Champagne bottle being uncorked, Rinoa nearly jumped from her seat. For a second, all she could hear was the sound of gunfire. She had to convince herself that the sound was nothing beyond a bottle of alcohol.

"A little tense there, aren't we?" Zone laughed at his companion's harsh reaction. He placed his hand on her wrist as reassurance. "This night is supposed to be fun and relaxing… you look neither like the definition of fun or relaxed."

"It just sounded… for a second I just thought-"

Rinoa feigned a tiny smile as her heartbeat continued racing through her chest cavity. It was just a damn cork; she should just dismiss it as such. Yet somehow, her mind lingered on the sound just a little too long; she couldn't shake a ghastly sensation. Her hand inadvertently clutched the material of her blouse, nearly ripping the seam from the fabric. As she realized what she was doing, she relaxed her fingers - again trying to regain control in a situation that had been forgotten by time. For a moment, her mind could have sworn she was in the midst of a battlefield. She felt an overwhelming sensation of being lost and confused. But she wasn't fighting a war; she was sitting in Timber looking at the remains of her spaghetti dinner.

She could see the concern in Zone's eyes. Here he had tried so hard, and she was doing what she normally did. Somehow she managed to ruin every situation with little or no effort involved.

"All right Zone, you found out the truth… I have a horrible phobia of Champagne bottles."

"Rin, sweetie, you don't have to do this. You don't owe me any explanations. I know the hell you went through. The sound scared you - that is understandable. Nobody is blaming you – nobody can blame you."

"Thank you Zone, I-" she trailed off, softly wiping her mouth with a napkin. Maybe he really didn't need a reason.

"Rinoa," he interrupted, knowing his friend a little too well at times. "No more explanations, all right? You don't have to explain yourself to me. You shouldn't ever feel like you have to apologize for being yourself. I've known you for years now, trust me, you have nothing to be sorry for."

She sat slightly uncomfortable at his words, yet not sure exactly why. He was right though, she always felt the need to explain every move she made or apologize if something went awry. Maybe she had walked on eggshells too long back in Garden. With Squall, she always felt as if she would say or do the wrong thing, thereby pushing him away. Ironic in trying so hard not to, she managed to accomplish just the opposite.

Words rarely failed Rinoa, but right now, she couldn't think of another thing to say to Zone. Not that he expected a reply, but still it would have been polite on some level. She just needed to step away from the situation, if only for a few minutes.

"I need to go to the ladies room. I'll be back in just a moment." She politely announced, before getting up and dismissing herself from the table.

This time she was able to smile sincerely toward her best friend. It was true, she hadn't been out in so long and just being in another setting made for a break, even if she denied she needed one. It wasn't an expensive restaurant, but it was extremely charming. That was one thing that remained true about Timber, it seemed just about any place accepted how and who you were. Then again, her view on life could have been slightly jaded before.

She made her way through the tables to the ladies washroom. Truthfully, Rinoa didn't have to use the bathroom, she just needed a moment to gather herself. A break from what she didn't know…life?

She found herself staring at her reflection, looking back at her was a stranger in her eyes. But she tried tonight at least. She fixed a few strands of hair, although it was all cosmetic and she truly didn't care. Inhaling, she took a deep breath, as her heart rate had finally settled from the cork incident. And if she honestly stopped and thought about this night, she was actually starting to enjoy herself, although she still felt a tad awkward.

"Rin."

For the second time that evening, she found herself startled by a sound. Up until a second before, she thought she had been the only one in the small restroom. It had frightened her so much, that in the process, she managed to drop her handbag on the floor. For the time being, she decided to let the contents of her purse rest, looking around for whoever called her name.

"Hello?" She questioned a little more than hesitant. It certainly didn't look like anyone was in either of the two stalls, and she was positive she would have noticed another person in the small sitting area. "Is… is someone here?"

There was no response and she believed that the paranoia of the earlier incident was still fresh in her mind. She laughed to herself, more a fear reflex than humor. Leaning down to gather her belongings, she tried once again to calm frayed nerves. Not too many items had fallen, a tube of lipstick, an ink pen, and a small notepad. She reached for the notebook last; as her hand brushed against the paper, she noticed it had inadvertently opened to a page outlining Watt's travel itinerary. The young sorceress smiled at his predicament as she stood from a kneeling position. She knew that he was not enjoying himself there in Dollet, and she was certainly glad that he had volunteered to go in the first place. The last three things she would want to deal with in her life were politics, her father, and…

"Squall?" she said the name with a mixture of panic and confusion. Why hadn't it registered until now? The voice she heard softly whispering her name sounded just like… it couldn't be possible. She looked around the restroom again with greater resolve. Rinoa even checked the mobile phone in her purse to make sure it hadn't been switched to on. Maybe he had tried to call… all right, she didn't believe that would happen. But she would swear to heaven and hell that was his voice. Finally leaving the restroom, she was now more visibly shaken than when she entered. It only took a few steps before Zone caught up with her, obvious to her distress.

"Rinoa, you all right? Honey, you don't look so good."

"I um… I…" she fumbled. She couldn't tell Zone what she had heard or thought she heard. He would think she was borderline insane. Well, at least slightly crazier than he already believed her to be on a daily basis. Also she didn't want to mention it because of the glaring fact that Zone despised Squall. If she broke down and told him, he would just become angry, as he tended to do whenever the commander's name came up.

"I'm fine…" she lied. Again she smiled and finally relaxed herself to her own self delusions. "Come on, let's get out of here. It looks like it stopped raining outside, and I could really use some fresh air. You know… after it rains I feel like everything will be all right. It's like a new start or something… So, let's say you accompany me home and we enjoy the walk together."

He smiled and gently escorted her from the building. Little did she know, her life would forever change in the midst of rain soaked evening.