Chapter 11: In the Arms of the Beast

"I am truly sorry…and I will miss you when you leave. I will regret hurting you for the rest of my life."

Byakuya turned away and took a step, then was stopped by the warmth of a trembling hand gripping his arm.

"Don't go."

Byakuya remained breathless and still as a second warm, calloused hand curved around his face, the fingers sinking into his wet hair and curling slightly. He dared not look at the face that moved in closer to him, the forehead that leaned against his, lips that sought his, the arms that wrapped around him and held him tightly in place.

"Sorry…" whispered Renji, his lips stopping just short of Byakuya's, "but you have this habit of disappearing, just when we're getting somewhere."

Byakuya blinked several times to clear the rain from his eyes.

"Getting somewhere?" he repeated, sounding dazed and, Renji thought, forlorn, "Renji, the only place we are getting…is farther away from each other. You need a heart I don't possess, words that I can't say…promises that I cannot make. I can barely breathe, let alone speak…and even if I could…I couldn't breathe those words you need so badly to hear! You said that you cannot be married to someone who doesn't love you…"

"That's right," the redhead said, still holding him tightly, "and I stand by that."

"Then, that means…"

"It means that you are going to have to say the words…eventually. But you have to say them when you're ready…not because I threatened to leave you."

"But any fool can see how being with me is painful to you…" Byakuya whispered, "And as we progress in our roles as samurai and Royal Guard Captain, it is only going to get more difficult. You already chafe under the rules of living within my clan, Renji. And the pressure you feel is going to get worse…and because I am responsible for making you conform, you will come to despise me."

Renji shook his head and touched his lips to the noble's.

"Nothing will make me despise you. Byakuya…despite what you said before, I know now that you look past my faults and you really see me. And now I know where to look to find you when I need to know what is in your heart."

He locked his eyes on the widened gray ones that watched him so warily.

"It's written right here," he went on, leaning forward to kiss one soft eyelid, then the other, "No matter what lies your lips tell…your eyes always tell me the truth. And for now, while your tongue is tied and you can't tell me what I need to hear, I will settle for that. Just don't give up. Don't walk away. Think about it. What other clan leader is going to love me? The others wouldn't just dislike me. They would hate me. They think I look odd…and they call me a beast. As difficult as you can be, I know you don't think of me like that. So…I think we have what it takes to be happy together. We just have to learn how."

Kami…I remember what happiness feels like. I remember love, even now that my heart is too numb to feel it…and when he speaks to me like this, he makes me long for them again! Renji…I don't know if I can…

The redhead's hands tightened on him again and he stared at Renji in surprise.

"I saw it," he confirmed, "You are afraid of this…of being this close to me. But you aren't running away from me again. I'm not going to let you!"

He's holding me so tightly now…that I would have to hurt him to escape. It is a matter of conviction now. Which impulse is stronger? Love? Or fear?

Lightning flashed and thunder sounded right on top of it. Cold wind whistled in the trees around them, making the branches groan and creak with stress. Renji's lips touched his again and a jolt of fear passed through him. He turned his head away, but doing so only bared the white skin of his throat and Renji's hot mouth fastened onto it, biting down…stroking heavily with his tongue and sucking the rain from his skin. His head snapped back and he started to say something, but the redhead's mouth found his and silenced him with a deep, forceful kiss. Heat rocketed through the noble's body, making him forget the rain as Renji's mouth plundered his…as he was pushed back against a sakura tree…as their hands began tearing their clothes away.

What is happening?

His legs gave way and he felt himself falling…and Renji fell with him. They splashed down on the muddy grass beneath the sakura tree, their hastily bared bodies still locked tightly against each other. Renji's fingers laced into his and pushed his hands down on either side of his head. His mouth attacked the noble's furiously, his tongue thrusting in between the noble's parted lips, and with heavy strokes and suction, taming Byakuya's tongue until it curled warmly around his. A quick kido spell left the noble's hands restrained on either side of his head and freed Renji's to begin a slow descent down the length of his body, running his hands over the smooth, pale curves and then following with that devilishly hot and skillful mouth. Byakuya's hands pulled against the kido that held them, but though he could have shattered it easily, he simply shifted and moaned incoherently, still resisting, but no longer trying to free himself. He gasped harshly as Renji's tongue invaded his navel, and lapped up the rain that had collected there, then traveled down the dark trail of fine hairs, his rough hands parting the noble's slender thighs and moving on to explore the soft sac…then sliding down further to his entrance and beginning to prepare him as his mouth claimed Byakuya's swollen arousal. He slid up and down the noble's length, sucking hard and stroking the long shaft heavily with a hungry tongue. Byakuya's body thrust upward eagerly into Renji's touches and his moans rose to where they could be heard above the howling wind and pounding rain. A blaze of warning appeared in the noble's dark eyes, then the kido exploded and Byakuya turned, dragging Renji onto his knees and climbing onto the redhead's lap, taking in his huge erection in a single, brutal thrust. He wasn't sure if he might have screamed in pain…or if it was just the stormy winds, bending the trees all around them.

Byakuya's mouth found Renji's again as their bodies thrust heatedly against each other. The redhead's hands curved around the noble's slender hips, clenching and pulling to urge him on as Byakuya's body rose and fell on his. He thrust upward hard, finding the pleasure center inside Byakuya and making the noble shudder and cling to him, hard cries escaping him as his pleasure peaked and hot seed pulsed onto their skin, only to be washed away again by the rain that still poured down on them. Renji grabbed the noble's face and fed him hard, deep kisses as he thrust upward one last time, and filled Byakuya with beautiful throbs of blinding heat. The noble collapsed onto his shoulder, still holding on tightly, with Renji's cock still buried inside him. He wasn't sure how long they remained in that place with their bodies locked together, but at some point, Renji shifted and their hands found their clothes. As it was dark and likely too stormy for them to be seen, they carried their clothes and walked naked in the rain down the forest trail and back through the gardens into Kuchiki Manor. They paused on the walkway outside Byakuya's bedroom doors, gazing at each other through dripping lengths of their hair.

"I would like it if you would join me for a hot shower," Byakuya said, a blush rising suddenly on his cheeks.

Renji grinned and followed him into his bedroom, then shut the doors behind them. He turned to follow the noble to the shower, but was very suddenly brought down onto Byakuya's bedroom floor and spread out on the fine rug in the middle of the floor.

"I thought we were going to warm up in the shower," Renji said, smiling.

Byakuya met his eyes for a moment, considering, used a burst of kido to start a fire in the fireplace, then returned to Renji's side and moved around him so that the dancing firelight fell and flickered on the redhead's golden tanned skin. Byakuya's eyes raked his body with undisguised hunger, following the black tattoos over the length and breadth of his body and making him blush furiously.

"Are you only going to look?" Renji asked finally.

"Patience, Renji," the noble said quietly, "I fully intend for this to be a thorough exploration."

He leaned over the redhead, bringing searching fingertips to the tattoos over his eyebrows, then following them with a trailing tongue. He worked his way slowly down one side of the tattooed throat, then the other, smiling at the way the redhead's eyes had glazed over and he seemed to have become entranced as the noble's touches on his body deepened.

"Shit…that feels…so good…you…touching them like that. I didn't know…it could feel so good…just to have them touched…" Renji moaned.

"The firelight makes it look like they are moving," Byakuya said, sliding his tongue down a long, jagged line, then resting his head on the redhead's softened abdomen and tracing several more lines with his fingers.

He paused for a moment, lifting and turning his head, then looking down at Renji's lower abdomen. He hesitated for a moment, staring, then slowly lowered his head, searching out the location beneath which the reiatsu cluster rested, and offering their unborn child a very gentle kiss that left Renji teary eyed. He rested his face in that place, closing his eyes as Captain Unohana's words returned to him.

I do not want you to be mindful of your reasons for risking and dying. I want you to be in touch with those things that will make you want to live. To overcome the limits of this situation…the pressures on your body, you must connect with your desires…the ones that drive you to rise above the situation. Duty and honor will take you as far as dying, but desire and ambition will drive you to survive this. I will again advise against you attempting this…but if you are determined, then do not move forward until your resolve to survive is at its strongest.

He could feel the soft hum of life beneath his cheek and thought he might be beginning to understand what she had meant. His hand slid down to his own abdomen…and with his mind quieted and his body at rest, he could already feel the forces of his essence and Renji's binding themselves together…the flare of reiatsu created anew and waiting to grow and be released into the world.

This…is reason enough to live…this beautiful family we are making. If only…

"What are you thinking?" Renji asked softly, "The look on your face is…really beautiful."

"We are…going to be a family," Byakuya whispered.

Renji reached down and slipped his fingers beneath the noble's chin, bringing Byakuya's eyes back to his.

"Yes…we are going be a family. Byakuya, you and I both know what it was like to grow up without our parents. To think that we will be there for our children…"

Byakuya caught his breath sharply and blinked back sudden tears. Renji frowned with concern.

"What is it? Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry…"

"You didn't say anything wrong," Byakuya assured him, forcing down the heady emotion that had threatened to overwhelm him, "I simply…overreacted."

"Yeah?" said Renji, "Well things are kinda haywire right now. But we'll be okay. We…and our kids…are going to be fine."

"Hai," agreed the noble, turning Renji onto his stomach and attacking the lovely black markings that meandered down the length of his back.

He traced their path slowly with fingers and then with his mouth. By the time he reached the ones that decorated the redhead's buttocks and thighs, Renji was making low, intense sounds of arousal. The noble finished addressing the enchanting markings and settled onto Renji's back, nudging his thighs apart and biting down on a muscular shoulder, distracting the redhead as he slowly pushed into his entrance. Renji pushed his upper body off the floor as Byakuya began thrusting, taking his time and letting his mouth explore Renji's throat. Renji turned his head to recapture Byakuya's mouth, and the two exchanged deep, powerful kisses as the noble's hand found Renji's length and teased it with long, languid strokes until the sounds coming out of him sounded suspiciously like low growls of pleasure. He kissed Renji harder and thrust in faster, shifting slightly to strike the pleasure center inside his red-haired lover. Renji's body convulsed and he loosed a howl of pleasure as his release spilled out onto Byakuya's hand. He gave a long, contented groan as Byakuya tightened his body against the redhead's strong back and emptied himself into Renji's body.

Byakuya rested his head on a pillow of soft, red hair, his slender body still joined with Renji's and stretched out along the redhead's back. He nuzzled Renji's back and sighed contentedly. Renji chuckled softly beneath him.

"What do you find so amusing?" asked the noble.

"I was just wondering," said Renji, "You're not going to disappear like you did on our wedding night, ne?"

"No," Byakuya assured him, "I have no intention of leaving now. We have moved beyond the point where I could run from my fate. I have no choice but to embrace it now."

Renji turned a brown eye to study him for a moment.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"No…it isn't," Byakuya said, stroking the long, tumbled red strands lovingly, "I just see the difficulty ahead of us and I am wary."

Renji turned and lifted himself onto his knees and Byakuya released him and knelt beside him.

"I think we'll be all right now," Renji said, kissing him, "as long as we stick together."

"Yes…" Byakuya agreed, closing his eyes for a moment.

"So…" Renji went on, "You want to take that hot shower now?"

Byakuya nodded and followed Renji into the bathroom, where they stepped in under the falling water together. Byakuya tilted his head back, letting the water run through his long black hair and down his body as Renji wrapped his arms around the noble from behind. The noble tensed for a moment, the heavy reality of what he had done by attempting to conceive again gripping his mind and sending a shiver through him.

It seems like a cold action, keeping it from him like this…but he values my life too much. By having this child, I will free him from needing to bond with another after I am gone. He is only required to father the samurai heir. Once I give him that child, he is free of obligation. And he will have our children to comfort him…

"Byakuya," Renji said, cutting into the noble's thoughts, "I've been wondering about something. Why was I sent away from my parents? Why weren't they allowed to raise me?"

"Hmmm…I was told that it was because Akabuke died and Tama and Katsuro had to assume their posts…but as part of your preparation, you had to be raised outside the spirit dimension. Tama and Katsuro had some amount of control over where you were sent…and they chose Inuzuri because had you been raised within a noble family, your unique status might have been discovered somehow. In addition, you had to be made very strong of body and heart. The difficult life you endured gave you that strength."

Renji gave a soft sigh of relief.

"So…we won't have to send our kids away?" he asked.

"No. Our children will grow up here at Kuchiki Manor. There will be dangers associated with the samurai heir being known from birth, but we…"

He broke off, realizing what was likely to happen if he died giving birth.

"We…will be here to see that the heirs are both protected."

Renji has special status. My family will have no choice but to allow him to remain here and to see to the training of our children. That is a comfort, but…

"Why do you keep doing that?" Renji asked, sliding a hand down Byakuya's spine and pulling him closer, "You keep tensing your body."

Byakuya sighed and let himself relax against Renji.

"Are you worried that you made a mistake, making love with me like that?"

Never…I wouldn't change a thing about our joining…out in the pouring rain…water sliding down our bodies, draining away our fears…lightning breaking through the darkness and the rumble of thunder penetrating everything…it was…perfect…

"I have no regrets."

I will make sure that this time while we gather our power, while our heirs grow inside us is enough to carry you through what lies ahead. There will be so many challenges…but you are strong, Renji. And unlike me, you will have someone to make sure that you do not lose yourself as you take on your role as King's Samurai. You won't break down and conform as I did. I will show you the way to protect yourself, even as your world transforms around you. I only hope there is enough time before…

"I love you."

"Reckless fool! Stop saying that to me! You know I cannot say it back…"

"I love you," Renji said, putting his hands on Byakuya's face and forcing their eyes to meet, "I love you…"

Byakuya felt the impact of a hundred shattering blows on his heart as the redhead began kissing his way down the noble's body, touching every inch of lovely pale flesh and whispered the same three words after every soft kiss. Byakuya backed away, only to find himself trapped against the shower wall, water splashing on his skin and Renji's mouth honoring him with those tender kisses and affectionate words until he felt his heart breaking inside. Finally, he could endure it no more.

"Stop saying that! Stop!" he hissed, "Don't you realize that you're only setting yourself up to be hurt? I don't deserve you…and I will only hurt you if you don't maintain a safe distance from me. Open your eyes and see just how dangerous I am to you!"

Renji stared at him, wide-eyed for several long minutes, then cleared his throat softly and slipped his arms around the noble again.

"You forget who I am," the redhead said, pressing his lips to the shell of an ear, "I grew up in the Rukongai, where hearts get eaten alive and bodies get broken every minute of every day. You can't hurt me more than growing up there did…no matter what you do. And you can't push me away anymore. So shut up and let me tell you what I feel for you. Whether or not I say it aloud, it's in my heart and I'm going to feel it. And so will you. Even if you don't say the words…I know you love me too. Everything about you right now screams that it's true. And it doesn't matter whether you say the words or not. Saying the words won't make the love disappear…and if we do lose each other…the memory of those words will help us get through. So if it hurts you too much, you don't have to say anything. Just stop trying to keep me from telling you…"

He stared into the dark, spellbound eyes.

"I love you…"

Byakuya opened his mouth to object, but the words refused to come.

"I love you…"

He tried to pull away, but Renji's arms remained locked around him.

"I love you…"

The air escaped his lungs in a strangled sob and his legs gave way. Renji simply dropped down with him and kept holding him and saying those same words. He said them until the tension went out of Byakuya's body and he simply leaned into Renji, resting his head wearily on the redhead's shoulder and staring at the falling water. He said them until Byakuya could breath normally again and he began drifting off to the sound of that beautiful, relentless phrase. He said it until the water cooled and began to feel like rain. Finally, the words stopped.

Byakuya took a shallow breath and lifted his eyes to meet the warm brown ones that were staring lovingly down at him. Renji smiled and kissed him on the frowning lips.

"Can I say I love you without it hurting you now?" the redhead asked softly.

Byakuya nodded sleepily, a pale finger lifting to trace Renji's lips.

"Good…because I love you…and I will never stop telling you that. And now that you're used to hearing it, I don't have to worry that it will hurt you anymore to hear it."

He lifted himself and pulled the exhausted noble to his feet. They left the shower, dried off and dressed in soft silk yukatas, then fell into bed.

"I don't know about you," yawned Renji, "but I'm exhausted. I can't think of anything I want more than to wrap myself around you and sleep for a week."

"We have to be up early to train."

"Damn! I knew you'd say that!"

Renji laughed softly.

"What?" queried the noble, eyeing him curiously.

"I'll keep those annoying attendants from getting me up before dawn again…"

"How?"

Byakuya stared in surprise as Renji's eyes glowed red and his body shimmered and slowly shifted into his lovely tiger form.

"Abarai!" Byakuya hissed furiously, "You'll scare them out of their wits! Change back at once!"

"No way. I am getting up when I'm damn good and ready…and neither you nor those pesky Kuchiki cousins are going to make me!"

"Renji, so help me, I'll…!"

He broke off as he was gathered into the red tiger's strong paws and a long pink tongue ran up the length of his throat.

"Quiet…or I might just bite," Renji warned him.

"Do not lick me, Abarai! That's…"

The pink tongue extended and ran up the side of his face.

"Renji, stop!"

The red tiger yawned widely and licked the noble's cheek affectionately, ignoring Byakuya's objections, then settled with his face buried in the noble's shoulder.

"Renji…one of your fangs is poking me…"

"That's not a fang…"

"Shut up, baka! I meant on my shoulder!"

"Mmmmm, sorry."

"Renji…let me go and change back now."

The tiger growled warningly.

"Stupid brute!" snapped the noble, relaxing again, "You don't listen to a thing I say! What if you dream I am some large quarry you've captured to eat?"

The red beast made a deep, contented sound somewhere between a purr and a growl.

"You'd better hope I don't…"

Byakuya gave a disgusted sigh and closed his eyes. He waited quietly letting his fingers run over the tiger's velvety fur and stroking the hidden claws as Renji relaxed in sleep. He turned his head and nuzzled against the soft muzzle, then sighed and relaxed. He waited longer…until Renji's breathing was soft and even…and all he could hear was the sound of the rain falling outside.

"I love you too," he whispered finally, kissing the beast on the nose and settling back into his paws.

A few moments later, the big cat's lips curved slowly upward.