Author's Note: Another chapter. Enjoy, as usual, and if you have any questions, hit up my tumblr at soliloquy-siege.
I loved the fields behind the house most of all. They were the one place I could always count on to be left alone; my mother wouldn't be caught dead out here and my father and brothers were always too busy. I loved the silence that was only permeated by the sounds of the wind and the birds and the trees. I could think when I was out in the grass and not worry about being bothered by life. With my arms stretched behind me, supporting my tired body, my head was tilted back to watch the fluffy grey clouds wander across the darkening sky.
Lazy afternoons often found me out here, trying to wade through the newest murky sea of a situation I had put myself in. I could detach myself. Occasionally though, my thoughts drifted to cold hours spent alone, hidden in the grass, or stolen hours in broken cottages. My heart was so volatile and messy, sullied by its own lamentations and yearnings. I wished more than anything that I could step back into the past and try everything again.
I wished I could attempt, somehow, to mend the torn bond between my mother and I. There was nary a day when we had not fought, more so in the past months than any other time. I could feel each of us growing weary, constantly putting up a fight and needlessly defending against invisible enemies. The words we threw at one another may as well have been knives. The damage was done and we each had wounds that I didn't think even time could heal.
I would turn back the clock on myself, on the walls I'd built and the fortresses I'd hidden myself behind. I wished I were different – stronger. I kept telling myself that it would happen. I told myself that I'd grow and that I'd become the person I had always wanted to be. I wasn't entirely sure that was happening, or that it was ever going to.
The only thing in my whole world that I would never want to reverse was Brittany. Nothing could make me give up even a second of time I'd spent with her or a moment I'd spent watching her. The one thing I wouldn't change was the one thing that I feared was going to.
There was a small and sudden movement at my feet, bringing my attention to the rustling grass. I squinted in a vain attempt to determine the nature of the intruder as a pair of soft brown ears, first one, then another, appeared from behind the green stalks. I smiled and reached forward slowly so as not to scare the tiny thing.
"Have you so many problems as I, little rabbit?" I asked, feeling a mite silly for talking to an animal. He looked at me and twitched his nose inquisitively. I had seen any number of small animals on these hills, but I don't think any were quite so adorable as this one and he didn't seem skittish so skittish as them. I tentatively reached to pat him and he cowered from my hand, which I quickly retracted.
"Don't worry, I just want to pet you," I mumbled, frowning. The rabbit still hadn't moved, however, simply remaining in the same position with his wary eyes glued to me. He seemed just as confused as I was about life. A kindred spirit.
Even in my head I sounded stupid, so I rolled my eyes at myself and reached forward, this time more carefully, and managed to gently stroke the top of his head. He didn't seem to mind, perhaps having discovered that I did not in fact intend to harm him after all. My smile returned as the fluffy creature moved a little closer, his curiosity piqued and his fur standing the tiniest bit on end.
"What's the bet I'm just as scared as you right now?" I asked him, watching as he moved in an odd hop-walk toward my hand. His tiny nose wriggled as he sniffed it and decided it would be safe to nibble on. "Hey, if you're hungry look elsewhere. Sorry, but I don't have any… lettuce? Carrots? I don't even know what you eat."
Every time I spoke, his head turned upward to watch me closely. Perhaps he understood me but was unfortunate enough to lack the speech facilities that would allow him to tell me to be quiet and deal with things myself. I dared to reach for him again, this time petting his back. He arched up into my hand and I figured he enjoyed it. Once I was certain he wasn't going to eat my fingers with his surprisingly sharp little teeth, I wrapped my hands around his soft body and pulled him into my arms. He squirmed for a moment before calming down and snuggling against my chest. I could feel his tiny heart beating frantically but I think it was supposed to do that anyway, or at least I hoped so. He was so warm and cuddly and somehow made me feel less alone out among the expanses of the fields around me.
A wind had picked up from the south and carried the cold of the seas, chilling me as I sat in nothing but my dress. As I shivered, so did my new friend, his furry coat bristling in the cool air. I hugged him closer, hoping that the rain wouldn't come until I was well and truly indoors. Stroking his head absentmindedly, I was glad for the company and internally groaned about how sad that fact really was.
"Rabbits don't really have many problems, do they?" I asked, more to myself than the soft bundle in my arms. "I wish I were a rabbit. Don't quote me on that," I said quickly, having decided that I would rather not be a rabbit but perhaps a cat. They seemed to be the most spoilt creatures, waited on hand and foot (or paw and other paw), and I envied their lack of care about everything. Being a rabbit would still be would be too much work in my opinion, but at least they lacked the complicated and emotionally-taxing relationships that humans had developed for some inexplicable reason.
I sighed, blowing a stray strand of hair out of my face. "You need a name," I said, looking down on the nameless animal. For some reason I felt the need to give him an identity other than 'rabbit'. Maybe I would feel lest moronic if I was talking to something with a name. "How about…" My words trialled off and I tapped my chin in thought. "...Crusoe. You seem like a fearless adventurer. Well, fearless of my hand, anyway," I said, petting between his ears where he seemed to like it. He looked at me with the same look he'd been giving me the whole time, and I couldn't really tell whether it meant he liked me or not. He did appear to be quite happy, however, so I left him where he was.
Sighing, I laid myself back on the grass, the rabbit tucked into a ball on my stomach. I spread my arms behind my head, extending my legs and looking up at the greying sky once again. "What am I going to do, Crusoe?" I asked as if he could understand me. Well, how did anyone know that he didn't? His beady little eyes didn't change, but his quick breaths and warm fur were comforting against my middle. Perhaps he wouldn't be so bad as a confidant, considering he couldn't tell anyone anything I said.
I breathed out and let go. "I'm in love." My heart swelled with the words. "With Brittany." I blushed as I said it aloud for the first time. It felt… nice. No, it felt better than nice. I felt suddenly warm all over at the thought of it, of her. It scared me, sure, but if there were anything in the world to be scared of I think I'd want it to be this. Knowing it felt incredible. Saying it was exhilarating, like I shouldn't have been but I was anyway. "So, so utterly in love, Crusoe. I sicken myself," I said half-heartedly, but the feeling of wonder didn't fade. "I miss her every second she's not here." I look down at him again, wondering how he could be so calm about all of this.
I began to wonder if perhaps I could bring Crusoe back to the house with me. If I tried, I could hide him from Mama. She definitely wouldn't approve of him, so the likelihood of actually keeping a pet was virtually non-existent. I didn't want to leave him here, though, not now that I had told him my deepest secret. He knew too much to be left to those prying for gossip.
I held onto him tightly as I stood, turning my back to the breeze and moving toward the house. Mama and the boys were out, so I'd have no trouble smuggling Crusoe in. The housekeeping staff had learned long ago not to question my actions, no matter how strange or unlawful they seemed. It was an understanding we'd had since I was a child and used to sneak into the barn and use the loft as a fort. Papa had always said that one day it'd come crashing down on me, the rotting wood weakened by decades of weather, and I'd have no one to blame but myself. The old thing had held up until I reached the age of eleven, at which point I fell through a particularly unsafe patch and into the hay below it. I'd still managed to blame it on the geese.
I passed the old barn as I made my way up the hill, brows furrowed in concentration as I tried not to drop Crusoe. He was wiggling a little, but I figured it was just impatience. I thought to grab a small bunch of grass for him to nibble on if I was to take him up to my bedroom. Reaching the front steps, I quickened my pace and hurried to the front porch. As my eyes trailed up from my feet, however, I noticed another figure standing by the large front door. I froze, caught for a moment, but I soon realised that I'd know that posture anywhere.
"Quinn? What're you doing here?" I asked as I tried to hide Crusoe in my arms. I didn't think I was having much success, so I angled myself away from her ever so slightly in an attempt to shield him from her view. She turned, startled, and gave me an odd look before rolling her eyes.
"Santana!" She sounded relieved. "I've been knocking for a minute straight. I was just about ready to leave," she said, exasperation colouring her tone. She looked pleased to see me nonetheless. "I came to see you, actually. I was beginning to think you'd disappeared. Not even a letter in rather a while."
I didn't move any closer, but an apologetic look crossed my face. "Sorry, I just… a lot of things have been happening recently." I sighed, deflating. I momentarily forgot the secrecy I was supposed to be maintaining regarding the rabbit in my hands, taking a step toward Quinn. She looked down to my arms, a look of shock on her delicate features. If her eyebrows went any higher, I was afraid they'd leave her face.
"What on Earth is that?" She asked, astonished. I looked down sheepishly, cuddling a squirming Crusoe closer to myself as if to protect him from her judgement. "And why are you holding a bunch of grass?" She looked about as confused as possible, and I realised I must have looked rather a sight.
"Shh," I quickly shushed her, taking a furtive look around me to make certain that no one had heard. "His name is Crusoe, and he's a rabbit, Quinn. I'd have thought that you of all people would know that," I said sarcastically.
She shook her head at me. "When did you get a rabbit?" She was still trying to process the information, clearly.
"About ten minutes ago. Now would you like to come inside, or shall I leave you out here to be struck dumb for a while longer?" I moved toward the door, sick of standing in the chill breeze and eager to put down Crusoe. "Would you be so kind?" I prompted her, gesturing to the door and then down to my occupied arms.
She pushed the door open, brown still furrowed as she let me pass through then did so herself. Closing the door behind herself, she turned to me with one raised eyebrow. "So I leave you for more than a week, and you begin collecting rabbits and naming them after fictional explorers. Are you sure you're all right, Santana?" Her hands were on her hips, a picture of motherly reprimands.
I simply grinned at her. "Perfectly fine. Well, if you fail to count the restrictions on my freedom and my ever-shorter lifetime as a single woman. Other than that, life's just peachy." I began to head upstairs, slowly as I was unable to haul the hem of my dress up and was therefore prone to tripping. Quinn was quick to fall into step beside me, following me down the hall to my room. I quickly set Crusoe down on the floor and laid the grass down next to him. Luckily for me, he seemed satisfied and I could stand to talk to Quinn.
She was still giving me that incredulous look, and I gave her one back that said, 'what of it?'.
"So, Q, what brings you to my humble abode?" I asked, eyes still on the small bundle of munching fluff at our feet. I lay back onto the bed, sprawling out and letting my back stretch itself. Quinn sat herself down beside me and I turned my head to see if she was in fact going to answer me.
She took a deep breath before speaking. "I'm to be married," she said in a rush. "There, I said it. I cannot believe it myself, so I'll give you a moment." She continued, avoiding my gaze. My mouth hung open as though I were of inferior intelligence and my mind spun.
"Married?" I asked dumbly. She just nodded her head and folded her hands in her lap.
"He's a lovely young man. Plenty of money and a wonderful house where the both of us will be living." The way she spoke sounded so clinical and resigned that my heart ached for her. "His name's Sam. He made his money all on his own, you know," she said, obviously trying to convince herself.
"Married?" I said again. I had somehow envisioned the both of us staying unmarried and free forever. It was all very well to have marriage threatened, but now it was actually happening to Quinn? I'd subconsciously denied that this day would ever come. I'd not even guessed at it in in the past weeks. It sent a sudden jolt of fear through me – could my own unwilling betrothal be just as unexpected? I shuddered and turned my attention back to the blonde beside me. "You're not pulling my leg, are you?" She didn't even bother replying. "Well shit."
"For once I agree with you, Santana," she groaned.
"I'll admit, I never really believed that this would happen. Do you know what I mean?"
She nodded and lay back next to me. "I have no more than a month before the wedding. And what a wedding it's set to be, let me tell you." I wouldn't have expected any less from the Fabrays; they were some of the most traditional and extravagant people I had ever met. I disliked her mother and I despised her father. "I wasn't quite sure what to do once it was arranged. How does one spend their last days as a relatively free woman?"
I raised my eyebrows at her, as if to dare her to do something reckless. But it was Quinn, after all, and there was no chance of that. The most reckless thing she could think to do was skip church. "Drink, party, disregard chores, and then drink a little more," I suggested. "The drinking will help you forget that you hate disregarding chores, but once you're married you'll never be free of them," I tried to explain my plan. She didn't look convinced.
She tried to turn the attention from herself and onto me. "Did not you mention earlier that your own days as an unmarried woman were limited? Care to elaborate?" Her deflection worked, as I suddenly tensed up.
"Mama is relentless. She will no doubt bring home suitor after suitor, and has sworn not to stop until I accept an offer." I cringed, that caged feeling creeping back up my body. "But I don't want to get married. I never have, and especially not now that I've som—"I stopped short, my words choking off as I realised what I had been about to say. Quinn looked at me quizzically before her eyes lit up in that epiphany sort of way.
"No. No you didn't. Not possible," she breathed. A smile was creeping onto her face and I hated it. "You've someone else, don't you? And you, of all people," she looked just as stunned as she had been by Crusoe, but I was even more embarrassed and flustered this time. I turned my face from her so she wouldn't see my panic. "I don't believe it."
"Then don't, because that's not what I was going to say, Quinn," I tried, my desperate damage control seemingly ineffective.
"Come Santana, you can trust me. Who is it? Is he handsome?" I felt heat rising in my cheeks at her questions and I sat up quickly under the premise of searching for Crusoe. He was settled on the rug by the fire, quite content. I cursed myself for my idiot tongue and turned my back to Quinn.
"Stop, will you?" I said, not quite achieving the forceful tone I'd wanted to. "There's no man." I wasn't lying, either. Thank God for equivocation.
"How did you meet?" She pressed on, undeterred by my unwillingness to speak. Once she'd caught the scent of a secret, she wouldn't stop until she'd hunted it down. And she'd never stood for me keeping things from her. We were close enough that I trusted her with anything – anything except this.
Despite everything, my mind filled with images from that night, the first time I ever laid eyes upon Brittany. Only now, the memories were more beautiful, tinted by untameable feelings and stolen kisses.
Quinn's voice was quieter next she spoke. "You're in love, Santana," she breathed, awed. My heart raced and my instincts were just as fast.
"Stop, Quinn. I've told you, I'm in love with no man." Somehow I remained truthful, not wanting to say that I wasn't in love. It didn't feel fair to lie about it, not to Brittany nor to myself. She didn't even know, but I felt as though if I said it I would be betraying us. It was silly and I scowled at myself.
She eyed me sceptically for a minute before speaking again. "What a shame that is," she finally said, her eyes darting between my fiddling hands and my face. She knew something was wrong. Hell, she knew I was lying. I was a fool.
"And I don't want to be," I added for good measure, trying to patch up the tear I'd created in the atmosphere. "It only makes things harder." I ignored the truth of my statement. "But Quinn, if this man's everything you say he is, then I suppose I'm happy for you. I can't help but feel that you'll be happy in time." I moved back to her, taking her hands and covering them with my own. She smiled at me and pulled me into a hug, which I returned fiercely. I missed Quinn. I did. I wasn't sure what had happened to us; there was a time when every other day was spent together. It didn't mean I cared for her any less. I didn't know what it meant.
"One more thing," she said softly as she pulled back. I looked at her expectantly; I was ready for anything she could throw at me considering today's events. "The house is in London." Her admission silenced me and we stared at one another for a while. I wasn't sure what to say.
"That's great, really Quinn. You're moving up in the world," I said, trying to sound as supportive as possible but inside feeling like I was losing the one friend I could count on in every way it was possible to lose someone. "I'm happy for you as long as you're happy for you," I assured her. And I would be. There was nothing more I could do.
"Thank you so much, Santana," she said, the slightest hint of tears in her wavering voice. She pulled me into another hug and when she let go, moved over to the fire and wiped her eyes. "And for the record, Crusoe is adorable. However, I think he'll need to do some more exploring to live up to his name," she laughed. I picked him up and held him out to her, offering her a turn to hold him. She shook her head and backed away. "Goodness, no, I couldn't hold him. Who knows where that thing's been?"
I shrugged, making a 'who cares' face, and snuggled him closer before putting him back down on the rug. Quinn looked at me, a heavy tiredness in her eyes. "I should go," she said. "My parents are expecting me. Do promise to visit, S," she demanded, and I nodded because I knew that I would. If Quinn needed me, I'd be there as soon as I could be.
"I will," I promised, and she headed out the door with me following. "I'll see you soon, all right?" I said as we reached the front entrance. She smiled and left, beginning her walk back to town. I watched her go for a minute before turning back inside and to my room where I found Crusoe sniffing around the legs of my stool. I settled myself by the fireplace with a book and watched him hop around the room inquisitively.
I must have lost track of time, because what seemed not an hour later there was a knock on my door. "Yes?" I called, looking up from my book. The door opened and Peter's head poked around the corner, his eyes searching until they found me.
"Tana, there's a letter for you," he said, holding out a lavender coloured envelope to me as he moved into the room. I took it, trying to keep his attention as I realised that Crusoe was in fact still roaming the room.
'Thank you, Pete. Any idea who it's from?" I asked, turning the envelope over. There was no return address. He cleared his throat.
"That was the other thing. I saw Lady Pierce in the village today," he said, pausing to gauge my reaction. I tried not to let anything show on my face; I prayed that it worked. "She asked me to give that letter to you. Enjoy," he said, already leaving the room. I was left rather surprised and a little worried.
I looked down to the envelope, noticing the curly script that formed my name on the front in neat lettering. I felt the tingles inside of me in anticipation of her letter. I hadn't spoken to her in person for a few days because my mother had been rather serious about her rules. I was ready to run away for real this time, but I knew I'd never do it without Brittany. I carefully unsealed the wax stamp, into which was pressed a unicorn's head, and slipped out a piece of paper. It smelled like her perfume, but I was beginning to wonder if she even used perfume or if it was indeed her natural scent. I didn't care, because it evoked feelings only she could within me. I knew it was ridiculous, but my heart was a force to be reckoned with so I paid my rational mind no heed as I impatiently opened the letter, my eyes drawn to the top of the page where she addressed me in her fluid writing.
Dearest Santana,
I know that we've not been able to see one another for the past few days, and I miss you terribly. I missed you the moment you left and it's only become worse with each passing day. Your brother told me what happened; I feel so guilty for letting things fall this way. You're quite honestly all I think about and it should scare me, but it doesn't. You're the strongest, bravest person I've ever met and I know that you'll find a way out of the situation. I promise to do anything I can to help and ensure that I can keep you. I can't lose you, Santana, not now that I have you. For now, our clandestine meetings will have to suffice.
Meet me by the gate of Marchess the morn after you receive this letter. Until then, remember that whenever you should think of me, I am undoubtedly thinking of you too.
With all my heart,
Brittany
I had to squeeze my eyes closed to prevent any unwanted tears from escaping past my eyelashes. I held the paper close to my heart, my thoughts miles away, and sighed with a weight that I felt was dragging me down into a depression. I felt shackled, as though there was no escape from the place I had found myself in. Every thought, every movement, became a chore that made me want to stop thinking and moving. But I knew none of that mattered because everything paled in significance to her. I knew she'd keep her promises, and I'd keep mine.
I wasn't sure what she had planned, but I would have gone even if she'd told me to meet her in a pit crawling with snakes. I felt a soft nudge at my side and looked down to see Crusoe curled up against me. His eyes were closed and he looked about as content as I felt worried. He was sleeping like a… well, I suppose like a rabbit. I gave him a soft pat before looking over the letter again.
She'd formed each letter so carefully, each stroke practised and refined. I she'd misspelled a few words, but I forgave her that because the meaning was so much more important. My heart fluttered as I read over 'with all my heart'. I dared to believe for a moment that she might love me too, the way I was in love with her.
I was suddenly anticipating tomorrow with an excitement that I hadn't felt since last we met. The past few days had dragged on endlessly with not a single thing to do save for wander outside and read. I'd begun to teach myself German on the off chance that my mother would attempt to betrothe me to a man from the continent. Berlin was quite a capital, if you asked her. Scheiße.
I got up, careful not to wake Crusoe, and grabbed a pillow from the bed to bring back to the rug by the fire. I lay down by him again; his tiny was body tucked against mine, this time comfortably as I let the heat from the coals warm me. I felt the drowsiness that had been following me around for the last few days overcome me, and I succumbed to some much-needed sleep.
I woke with a start a while later, a tapping on my shoulder pulling me from my dreamy haze. Peter's head was hovering over me, an amused glint in his eyes.
"Tired?" He asked, his tone mocking but still concerned. I must have looked a right mess, curled up on the floor, with a rabbit nonetheless. Oh, fuck. I quickly looked down to where he had been curled into my side earlier, but His Fluffiness wasn't there. I was relieved and panicked all at once until I spotted him hiding just under the bed thanks to my vantage point. Thank goodness you've a brain, Crusoe. Stay there. He just wiggled his nose at me again.
By the time I was finished mentally speaking with a rabbit, my brother looked even more amused than he had been earlier.
"I did warn Mama that you'd go stir crazy. It would seem that it's beginning already," he quipped and I swatted at him, hauling myself up from the carpet to check the now dwindling fire.
"Is there a reason you woke me up?" I asked, a little on edge. Naps were wonderful until you woke up.
"Yes," he answered, a tad less humorous. "Dinner will be served soon. Mama sent me to fetch you. Ten minutes, all right? I'll see you down there." My eyes kept flicking between him and the creature under my bed, wondering if perhaps it would be best to let Peter know. Maybe he could help, because I wasn't sure what I'd gotten myself into, exactly.
"Pete, uh—" I began, but I couldn't say anything more. "Thank you. I shall see you downstairs." I placed my hand on his arm briefly before he nodded at me and left the room again. I turned to crouch down beside the bed in search of Crusoe.
"Crusoe? Come here," I beckoned, reaching under the bed and dragging him out. He just twitched his ears and looked straight ahead.
"I'm sorry, bud. I just don't think the rest of the people who live here'd receive you so well as I have. For God's sake; I don't even know what brief moment of brainlessness made me bring you inside. You'll just have to keep hiding, okay? I promise to take you outside every day." I petted his head and placed him back on the floorboards and he merely moved back to his place by the fire. I stoked it for him and placed another log on before heading downstairs.
Dinner had become a rather unpleasant affair for the lot of us since the night that my mother had given me the ultimatum. Tensions had risen and you could have cut the thick air with the huge carving knife sitting before me.
Papa always tried to start a conversation, but somehow it always managed to terminate once it reached a topic concerning either Mama or myself. She liked to pretend that I didn't exist, that somehow I wasn't her daughter unless I was to become a wife as well. It was horrid and I hated that she was doing this; not only because I wanted to escape marriage but also because I wanted to piece back together whatever dregs of our relationship were left. I only had one mother, but the role was wasted on her as things stood. She didn't look at me when I was looking at her, but I could feel her eyes whenever my attention was elsewhere.
My thoughts returned frequently to the letter that I had tucked into the front of my dress seeing as I was pocket-less. I didn't dare leave it lying around to be found by snooping persons, namely the lesser of my brothers. Her words brought a smile to my face and I wished to feel again what it was to have her pressed against me. Was it so wrong to crave her nearness?
A light blush settled upon my cheeks and I thanked whoever was up there for my darker complexion.
"So, Santana," my father started, clearing his throat, obviously as sick of the tense atmosphere around us as I was. I looked up from my dinner where I had been desperately trying to cut through a particularly tough section of meat. Ruddy stubborn pig. I decided to push it aside and gave my attention to the head of the table.
Papa continued. "I was speaking to Lord Fabray earlier. I hear that Quinn is to be married." I almost coughed up my dinner, having temporarily forgotten that rather large titbit. My Mama's eyes darted to me at my reaction. Of all the things to have a conversation about, this is what he brings up? I thought bitterly.
"So I heard," I said nonchalantly. I'd give Mama nothing more.
"I wonder how long before the rest of your friends find themselves married too?" Mama chipped in. I looked back down at my plate. I could feel the meaning behind her statement. How long before you'll be married?
I head a whisper of 'what friends' from down Morys' end of the table but decidedly ignored him. Pete was giving me worried looks as I silently fumed.
"I think I'm finished here," I said curtly as I stood. I left the room and went to collapse in a heap on the lounge, burying my face in the cushions I found there.
"Santana," I heard from nearby, "you really must consider what I've said." It was Mama again. I was not in the mood to deal with her; I simply wanted to sleep away the hours 'til I could see Brittany.
I groaned into the plush fabric, unwilling to give her my time or my emotions. However, she was as persistent as ever. "Santana. Please look at me and hear what I have to say." I could feel her unmoving presence and decided that the only way this was ever going to end was if I were to do what she asked. Not everything she asked, however. Once I was at least sitting up but still refusing to meet her eye, she began her speech.
"I realise that you may consider what I've done harsher than is necessary," she said carefully. I eyed her with an incredulous look on my face, as if to say, Really? You don't say. She rolled her eyes in that infamous Lopez way and continued. "But what you need to understand that your father and I do have your best interests at heart and always have." I was so unprepared to accept an apology in this form. "You might roll your eyes and even ignore all of this, but I need you to hear me. I just want you to… we just want you to be safe. We all do. I know your brothers care too. Your security is at stake here, and if you don't find yourself a stable life before it's too late then I don't know what I'll do."
Her eyes were pleading and I felt something inside of me tugging, hurting me in ways I didn't know I could still be hurt. I thought I'd cut those ties so long ago that I was scared to find there was still something buried inside me that had wanted nothing but motherly concern for all these years.
I looked back out to the darkness outside so that I wouldn't have to meet her eyes again. Nothing she said would make me any happier about any of this, but something in me wanted to believe what she was saying. It made me feel weak, but if ever there were a day that things were to change between us for the better, perhaps I wouldn't mind that weakness. Until then, my heart was as corrupt as hers for even thinking such things.
"I don't want to hear it, Mama. I don't' want your help. My life should be none of your concern, not now that I'm old enough to make choices on my own." I growled.
"I know, Santana. But what you don't understand here is that it's my duty as a mother to make sure you're safe and happy." I wheeled on her, ready to explode with the resentment that was bottled up inside of me.
"What do you know about motherly duties? You don't give a shit whether I'm happy or not! Admit it, Mama. You want me gone. You want me out because I'm not the daughter you wanted. Well I've news for you. I'm the only one you've got, but you've certainly botched up somewhere, now haven't you?" I felt the hate in my voice, but my eyes weren't full of the same loathing. They were heartbroken.
"Don't say such things!" Her voice was raised and her expression mirrored mine. "I've done nothing but love you and you repay me with this? You can't live like this forever, Santana. You have to realise that someday, and it'll be soon, life will come flying at you and you'll have nothing to fall back on when it knocks you down. I worry for you. You have to see that, please," she said sadly. My heart ached to believe what she was saying, to believe that she cared. But I was scarred from years of battle and the feelings got stuck in my throat, left to boil in my core. All that slipped forth was hostility.
"Mama, you've never been that to me. You left me to a governess and you sent me to bed every night without so much as a 'sweet dreams'. I cannot even remember the last time you told me you loved me. You never gave me that. So you know what? You don't get to make these decisions for me! Marriage doesn't give you love; love should give marriage if anything." My heart was running at full bore and my head was pounding with the fire of anger, anger that was surging through my veins and obliterating every rational thought.
"I love you, Santana, I do. I always have. Hear what I'm saying, sweetie. I tried so hard, Santana," she implored me to believe her.
I closed my eyes briefly before turning my icy gaze on her. "I hate you Mama. With every fibre of my being. And I won't stop until you show me that I don't have to." I felt something turn inside of me as the words left my mouth, laced with a venom even I didn't know I possessed. Mama's hand came slowly up to her mouth and her eyes went wide. She stepped back from me and I saw movement by the doorway out of the corner of my eye, but nothing in that moment could tear my eyes from the tear that slipped down Mama's pale cheek. Another followed it, and another. Her tears dropped from her desolate eyes, which didn't leave mine once.
There's something infinitely sad and terrifying about seeing your mother cry. Never in my whole life had I seen a single tear fall from her cold eyes until that moment, and I never, ever wanted to see it again. My heart ripped in two as I watched all hope drain from her eyes in liquid trails. The part of me that had wanted to believe her so badly now had no doubt that every word she had spoken was truth. I felt sick. So I did the only thing I knew how to do – I ran.
I didn't dare look back. I flew up the stairs and flung my door open, my eyes scanning quickly for the bundle of fluff that was my only unwitting ally. I picked him up from the rug where he was still resting as though nothing had happened. My eyes pricked with the salty sting of tears but none fell. Crusoe tucked into me, I rushed back downstairs and out into the night.
The sky was black, not a single star visible behind the layer of clouds. The tiniest sliver of moonlight was peeking out and I used it to see what little I could as I ran across the fields. Crusoe was shaking and I only held him tighter. I ran until my legs wouldn't move any further, collapsing carefully so I wouldn't hurt the furry ball in my arms. The wind had stung my eyes, making them watery and painful. My hair fell around my shoulders messily and my breathing was heavy. I waited for everything to stop spinning before letting a single tear drop onto Crusoe's pelt. He was shivering and I regretted bringing him out.
"I'm so sorry," I cried into his fur, not quite sure to whom I was speaking. I was stupid. I was cruel and cold. But worst of all, I was a coward; a coward who wouldn't look fear in the eye and who wouldn't let people see the love trapped in her heart, no matter how much she wanted to.
It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't seem to get out of. There was no way I could go back inside now; I was too ashamed to face any of my family. As my anger dissipated, all that was left was a gaping hole, an emptiness. I didn't know how late it was, but it could only be a few hours before Brittany would be at the gate. I wasn't sure what time of morning she had meant but if I waited there then she would come eventually. I would stay up until she came and saved me from myself.
Using the tiny bit of light that was available to me, I traversed the dark fields back up to the well lit house but bypassed it in favour of the drive. I made certain to stay in the shadows so no one would see me and come out to get me. The last thing I wanted was another confrontation.
I wanted Brittany to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay, but she wasn't here. Mama didn't want her here. If only things had never become so complicated, and she was merely someone that Mama wished I'd see more of, a social stepping-stone unequalled in Devonshire. I had never thought of her as so and I didn't wish anyone would ever think so little of Brittany, but it was better than what Mama thought of us now. A distraction, I thought bitterly of Mama's words. Well, it was certainly one most welcome.
I made it all the way to the gate without so much as tripping, rather a record in my state. I had managed to stop by the gardens on the way and picked a few carrots for Crusoe because surely he wanted more than grass to eat. If I couldn't be happy, then at least he could. I wondered if all animals were so easily swayed into companionship and compliance. I didn't think so; I'd had enough experiences with the wilder side of nature to know that Crusoe was different. For that I was thankful. Having someone who'd stay by me without asking questions was rather nice, even if it was a rabbit.
I slid down against one of the large pillars that supported the gate on either side, curling my knees up to my chest. Crusoe was snuggled against me for warmth and I gave him one of the carrots, which he began nibbling at right away.
I looked up into the black sky with tears in my eyes. "How did things get to be this bad, Crusoe?" I asked, despondent. I was so far away, up in the sky and beyond the clouds in search of the elusive stars beyond. The dark sea seethed above me with no answers, only more questions. I was about ready to give up.
As the time passed, my eyes became heavier and heavier, but I had to stay awake. I had to see Brittany as soon as possible and hide in case anyone came looking for me. I doubted they would until morning, though.
There came a time when I couldn't tell if the darkness was around me or whether my eyes were closed. Crusoe had long since gone quiet and I hadn't moved for what felt like eternity. Every part of me was tired, and when I told myself to stay awake my eyes just closed themselves again.
Just a half hour, I conceded. Then I'll wake up again and wait. Nodding in agreement with myself, I let myself slip into sleep for the second time that day.
A soft touch pressed against my forehead, then again on my cheek. It was pulling at the edges of my consciousness, my mind languidly awakening from its exhaustion as it registered the sensation somewhere deep inside. Another gentle pressure, this time at the corner of my mouth as I tried to drag my heavy eyelids open, slowly letting the light in. I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the sleepy feeling.
"Good morning," came a soft voice from in front of me. At that, a warm, contented smile grew on my lips. Opening my eyes fully once more, I focused on her.
"Good morning," I replied fondly, nothing but the woman sitting before me even beginning to cross my mind. Brittany leaned in again, this time placing a tender, careful kiss on my lips. I breathed in sharply, remembering her taste and how she felt against me. I leaned into her as she pulled back, bringing my hand up to cup the side of her face. She turned her head to press her lips against my palm and I stroked my thumb along her cheek. We sat like that for a moment, just watching one another. Her eyes were so beautiful. "What a lovely way to be woken up," I said, the exhaustion and pain washing out of my body. As long as she was here, everything would be okay.
"Mmm, what a lovely way to wake someone up," she countered, her eyes shining happily. "If you don't mind my asking, though, why were you asleep out here?" She asked. I hesitated, the events of the previous night still achingly real. I cast my eyes down from her face, not wanting to spoil this moment. I just wanted her, without all the drama and the hurt.
"I was waiting for you," I said lazily by way of explanation, and she gave me a look that told me she'd accepted the half-hearted answer I'd given her. My knees were still curled up to my chest and I unfurled them into the grass, stretching my stiff muscles. I looked back up and she was simply watching me, an unreadably soft expression on her face. "What is it?" I asked.
"I missed you," she said, the truth evident in her admission. I wondered how long she had been here, waiting for me to wake up. I cursed myself for not having had the determination to stay awake.
Brittany took my hand and held it to her lips. "Not as much as I missed you," I teased quietly, watching as she raised an eyebrow in challenge. I smiled wider and leaned in to press an affectionate kiss against her cheek as she had done to me, trailing my mouth along her jaw until I reached her mouth. She captured my lips in a searing kiss that said 'I miss you' louder than any words could have. I brought my hands up to her face and leaned my body further over hers, pushing her back ever so slightly. I barely broke the kiss to breathe, sharing the air with her as I did so. Her arms wound around my middle and any regard for where we were or what we were doing flew right out the metaphorical window.
The more I had of her, the more I wanted. I felt like we'd been doing this for a lifetime and I'd known her even longer. It felt so right.
"My new favourite thing to do," she whispered against my mouth, smiling into the kiss.
I shook my head for her to be quiet, making sure she knew what I wanted by pressing my lips back against her own. Gradually, she moved further and further backwards until her back was against the ground and my front was almost fully pressed against her own. My skin was flushed and my head was spinning wonderfully.
The kiss became slower before she broke it off and opened her eyes to gaze up at me, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. I leaned into her touch and she gently kissed the tip of my nose. Our breathing returned to normal; well, as normal as possible considering I was lying on top of her. I felt my cheeks heat at the thought, but if she didn't mind then neither did I. She was as soft and warm as I remembered, if not more so in contrast to the itchy grass.
In that moment, more than any other, I wanted to tell her that I loved her. I willed the words from my mouth, but I just couldn't say them. My cowardice crippled me into silence. So many times in the past few days had my mind tried to convince my heart that the whole thing was some sort of foolish infatuation, and that in a few weeks I'd be bored. I refused to believe that, no matter how much safer it may have been for the both of us. No one had ever gotten anywhere by being safe, I reminded myself. And I had oh-so-many places I still wanted to go, every one of them with her.
"You do realise that now you're here, I can never let you leave," I said seriously. I knew for a fact that parting from her now would most likely cause me physical pain but I was hoping against hope that she'd stay, for whatever reason. Perhaps I could make one up.
"I'd never wish to," she answered. She pressed a chaste kiss to my lips and I leaned my forehead against hers, our breaths mingling in the barely-existent space between our mouths.
I moved so I was instead lying by her side, my arm over her waist and my head in the crook of her shoulder. She pulled me close and the grass rose up around us, a shield against anything that might dare oppose us. There was a rustling somewhere nearby and my head shot up. My heart immediately began racing at the thought of someone else having seen and heard any of what had passed between us. I saw no one, however, it did little to slow my pulse until I felt a soft nudge on my hand.
"Crusoe," I sighed, placing a hand over my heart. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath then picked up the small rabbit and scratched between his ears. "You scared the living daylights out of me," I scolded him.
A look of light confusion passed over Brittany's face before her eyes lit up and she looked at me questioningly, as though asking permission. I nodded and smiled and she stroked down his back a couple of times.
"You have a rabbit?" She asked, obviously pleasantly surprised.
"I suppose I do, now. His name is Crusoe. Like the adventurer." He hopped out of my hands and sniffed around in the grass a little. "He seems to like me. Well, he probably he likes the luxury of life in my room." I wondered after all why he was staying here and not bounding off somewhere to be with his little rabbit friends.
"Just don't let Tubbington see him. He likes to bring me gifts. They're not very nice and we don't want Crusoe ending up as one of those gifts." She scrunched up her nose and I lay back down in the grass beside her.
She copied my position and we said nothing for a while. Crusoe was nibbling quietly on whatever he could find buried in the grass.
Brittany's soft voice broke the silence. "Did I ever tell you that Constance is going to have a baby?" She asked. I felt as though there was more to the question, but I just nodded after taking a second to place Constance as her older sister. She watched the clouds a moment more before continuing. "She's sick, San. What if the baby's sick too?" She sounded so worried and hurt that I turned onto my side to face her. She turned her head to look at me and I tried my best not to crumble at her expression. My mind jumped back to an image of an ill looking Duchess with a letter in hand.
"I'm sure they'll both be alright, Britt. Time and care is all it takes to get better." I hoped that what I was saying would be true. I had worked out that despite their different personalities, Brittany very much admired her sister. "There's nothing more for you to do than love her, Brittany. She'll need that; the baby too." She nodded in acceptance of my advice and let her eyelids flutter shut.
"How is it that you know everything?" She asked, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
I laughed and gave her a skeptical look. "Everything is a broad term," I said.
"That would be why I used it," she countered, her gaze not leaving mine once as she reached between us to find my hand. She closed both of her own around it. "Do you ever wish you could know the future?" She asked, her tone soft and thoughtful. The sudden shift in subject caught me a little of guard.
"See the future? I don't know that I'd want that. I prefer to worry about the now when it's the now and the future when it becomes the now. But to change the past is something I wish for every day," I answered seriously, hoping she would see my reasoning. She hadn't yet looked back up at me.
"Would you change this?" My eyes widened in realization of what she might have thought I meant. I was quick to place my other hand on top her hers and move closer to her.
"Never, Brittany. I would never change this. Do not even begin to think that I would want this any other way, no matter what seems easier or better for either of us." I pulled her chin up to look at me. She had to know I was speaking more honestly than I had in a long time. "Do you understand what you've given me? I've never… I've never felt so close to anyone as I do to you." I felt my skin heat up, but hoped she wouldn't see my blush. Feelings had never been the easiest of subjects for me to broach; in fact, I'd have said it was the hardest. But she deserved to know.
"Not ever?" She asked, almost unbelieving.
"Not ever," I confirmed, swallowing my fears. "I don't know why, and I don't really care why, but I… I—" I stopped short as she pressed a kiss to my cheek, then to the corner of my lips.
"I know, San," she whispered. I never quite knew exactly what she meant when she said that, but it was nonetheless comforting. She was my safety. After a while, she decided to speak again. "Are you as scared as I am right now?" I processed her question before lifting my gaze back her hers.
"How scared is that?" She thought again and answered.
"Rather a lot." She squeezed my hand, which she was still holding tightly, and looked at me almost apologetically at her confession,
"Then yes, Britt. I am probably just as terrified, if not more so, than you are right now." I nodded in a business like manner and she giggled.
As her laughter died down I could feel the seriousness creeping back in. "I suppose we should talk about—" She began, but I placed a finger over her lips in panic before she could go any further.
"Not now," I pleaded. "Let us have this. Just this without needing to make it fit into any boxes. Please," I said, watching her eyes soften and feeling her arm around my waist, pulling me closer to her.
"Not now," she agreed, but I could feel that there were things left unsaid that she wanted to say. There were things that needed to be said, but I wasn't sure that I was ready to say them or to hear them.
I didn't know what this was and there would be questions I couldn't answer. I threw it all in the too hard basket, but I knew that if I kept doing that then eventually that basket would become too hard for me to lift all at once. I didn't want to name this. I didn't want to give it rules and a place. I just wanted us.
"Thank you," I whispered against her collarbone, tucked into her. I could almost hear the sigh that I knew was waiting inside her, but she said nothing more. Her hand moved up and down my back soothingly and I felt myself wanting to sleep again. I wasn't going to let that happen, as wonderful as it sounded.
"Would you come inside with me? I need…" I trailed off as I realized that I hadn't told Brittany anything. She didn't need to know. I wouldn't put my problems onto her if I could help it.
"Need what?" She asked, curious.
You. I shook my head lightly and extricated myself from her hold. I held out my hand to her and she took it, pulling herself up form the grass and brushing her dress off. "I want you to stay. Mama won't concern herself with me today, so we'll be fine." I said no more on the matter, and neither did she. We fell into step beside one another once I had Crusoe safely tucked under my arm.
We managed to make our way inside and up to my room. Brittany busied herself with Crusoe, whom she seemed to have taken a liking to. "I'll be back in a moment, all right?" I said, slipping out the door without waiting for an answer.
I went to find Peter, and sure enough, there he was, surrounded my papers in his study. I knocked softly on the door and he motioned for me to enter.
"What is it, Santana?" His tone was brisk and I was surprised by the fact that he didn't look up from his work.
I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times before moving back toward the door. "I—I just wanted to tell you that…" I said, not really sure what I wanted to say anymore. I wasn't sure whether he was upset with work or upset with me. There was a good chance that it was the latter. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you," I said. He made no move to reply as I left the room, the door clicking shut behind me.
"Please don't hate me, Peter," I whispered between swallowing back my tears. I found Harrietta and told her that I'd best not be disturbed today. I was tired and intended on resting. She made no mention of anything but simply nodded and went back to wiping the piano of dust.
I felt a shiver run down my spine at the cold air that seemed to follow me about the house. I walked slowly back to my room, trying to pinpoint exactly when things had become so bad as this.
Brittany was still on the rug with Crusoe, but stood as soon as she saw me entering the room. I looked up at her and she was immediately concerned. "Santana? Is everything okay?" She asked tentatively.
"I don't think it is," I finally admitted. It felt terrible to say it aloud, and even worse to have to say it to Brittany. Everything was not all right, and I wasn't certain it was going to be. I pulled her to me and kissed her fervently, trying to hold onto the one person I knew I still had left. Even then, for how long? A single tear slipped down my cheek as I pulled her closer with a hand on each side of her face. She seemed startled but soon was returning the kiss with just as much impatience and urgency as I was. I needed to know that she was here and that she would stay here. "Don't go," I whispered.
She frowned and said, "I won't." Nothing in that moment could have stopped me from giving her anything and everything she wanted. I didn't even know what she wanted but I'd have given it. I felt everything slip away into such insignificance that I almost missed the click of the latch on my door.
